shrinkingangel

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Obviously I have not been working my program very well. I need to do better - and I am definitely getting back on course. But I don't think that is enough. To just say 'oh - I've been screwing up and now I'm gonna get back on the right track'. For me - I have to analyze the 'why' of having gotten off the right track in the first place...and asking myself why did I screw up? And of course taking a moment out to be very, very grateful that the pounds have come back very slowly and that I do not have tons of ground to recover.

So - why? Lots of reasons - depends on the day and time you ask me. But the simplest truth of it all is that I've had several health issues - some self inflicted - others just seemed to be bad luck. Everything from colds and flu to terrible bouts of vertigo with lots of nausea and dizziness. Got lax on the meds and vitamins in particular. Was too sick, tired, dizzy to do much of anything much less even think the word exercise. Then you add in the emotional stress - LOTS of that going around. No relief on any front - work was and is extremely stressful, home is an energy ball that is constantly bouncing between controlled chaos and various folks having various fits which seem to get under my skin and multiply until I feel like I am literally vibrating with other people's mostly negative or at the least very dramatic emotions. And I just sort of shut down on the inside - stopped thinking as much as possible and dropped down into a sort of pit of 'ick' where the goal was to simply get thru the day so I could crawl into bed exhausted and start over the next day.

Food has always been by 'go to'. When life gets crazy - see above - food is a comfort. From thinking about it, watching it on TV shows, shopping for it, preparing it, and of course eating it. In fact to this day empty cupboards make me very uncomfortable and fearful (yeah I've been thru some rough times when I was young and broke and trying to raise a family) of course memories of my own childhood where sometimes empty and sometimes full cupboards were still equally off limits are in there too. But my point is - full cupboards - and the act of filling them and frequently perusing them has always been a comfort to me. Then of course I got the VSG - so what does a full cabinet do for me now? What about shopping? My 'woobie' has been taken from me! Oh sure - you can stock up on 'goodies' that are on the 'yes' list - healthy stuff - but that didn't seem to do a dang thing for helping me beat back the emotional morass or physical pain I've been in.

Then sugar - found out that it does not make me sick! And that it tastes sooo good! And I started eating candy. Funny - candy was never a real 'go to' for me in the past - but lately whoo boy have I been in love with it. Then before you know it I've gone and purchased (are you ready for this?) one of those Baby Cakes machines to make little tiny cakes on a stick that you dip in candy and decorate! And I justified it by saying that the two bite treat was perfect for me. Yeah - I really believed myself too. So of course I made several batches and shared them with the family - and we all enjoyed.

But guess what? None of the above has made me feel one bit better? Oh the vertigo was taken care of - and having my eyes checked has helped with the headache and blurriness. But as far as emotionally - all the above has managed to do is add guilt to my already mixed up, bruised, and battered feelings.

So - I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. And I absolutely refuse to have gone thru nearly dying (yeah - literally) only to gain back the weight. Today I got back out my food journal which I've been mostly out of touch with since early July - and I am beginning again with the basics. Recording what I eat and drink and do. I know I've not had half the water I should have been having - and have not gotten in enough protein either - and obviously NO exercise. So today I will do my best to get in the water and extra protein and every day I will work my program. I will do this. I will continue to shrink! My goal is 175 and I have got a ways to go...but not as far as I used to have...and I will get there!!

They say the hardest part of any journey is the first step. I'm not sure that I agree with that. I think for me the hardest part of the journey is to remain committed! To keep myself pumped up - keep the eye on the ball - etc. I've been on a reduced carb for a good month and yesterday began the more strict pre-op diet of practically no carbs. I've never been a big meat eater in the past. I enjoy it - but my favorites were the sides - the mashed potatoes, casseroles, creamy bad for you goodies! I've been able to do a lot of research and found many recipes I will be trying as well as of course stocking up on protein shakes and Atkins bars for the OMG moments. :-) 

The holidays have always been huge for me. And of course the food was a very big part. I love to bake and am famous for making tons of cookies and giving trays of assorted cookies away as gifts. The folks at work as well as my family are not very happy about the timing of this as they really want their holiday sweets and treats! It shouldn't have surprised me (but I was honestly surprised) at how many folks told me to just make them and bring them in - that I don't have to eat them! I laughed and looked them straight in the eye and said emphatically if I make them I will eat them - therefore I am not baking this year. More than one person tried to change my mind. It sort of got me angry and a little disappointed in them. But I figure they just don't understand and I am not going to convince them. The only person needing to be convinced here is me - and not only am I convinced - I am committed!!

Originally I had wanted my surgery before Thanksgiving - but that didn't work out - so it is almost a week before Christmas instead. Not perfect timing - but I am making the best of it. Instead of thinking about the sweets I will be missing - I am looking forward to how sweet it will feel to drop a dress size this year instead of pushing the seams after too much holiday eating!

I know there is still some confusion on the group because there was duplication while I was trying to create this. I apologize for any inconvenience or frustration you experienced while I fumbled my way thru setting this up. Glad you have made it here and hope this group will be a busy one meeting everyone's needs and expectations. I am the 'leader' of this group because I created it - I am by no means an 'expert' on how it all works. I see a blog feature, chat feature, and discussion feature. I am not sure which shows where. So FYI - this was written as a BLOG.
:-)
Looking forward to hearing from everyone.
~ ShrinkingAngel

I have never blogged before in my life. But I am absolutely dedicated to making life changes that will give me better health and wellness and to using all the tools available to help me in my journey. So - I am blogging.

Key points - my highest weight was 287 (just 13 lbs. away from the big 3) - that was the day I attended the seminar.
My current weight is 277 - thanks to 'practicing' and being in 'training' using some of the tips and info. I am researching. I wear a size 24 and have been told I carry my weight well. I look more curvy than round and actually like the way I look - plus my husband loves my body as is. I'm gonna miss all the sexy and beautiful clothes & lingerie he has stocked my closet with. However, I have lots of health issues and pain - as well as not being able to do the things I want to do - that say I NEED to lose this weight - to SURVIVE!

It seems like the process has taken so very long already! From the first seminar through all the appointments and tests. Between the reading and research and attending my appointments as well as joining a support group here where I work and of course all the talking with friends and family it feels like weight loss surgery has taken over my life. And the past two weeks has been streams of folks asking if I have a date yet. They are trying to plan various things (as am I) and having a firm date would be a help. But no date yet.

Just as I was getting super antsy I got a very nice phone call from my psyche physician today saying he has given me clearance and the approvals have been sent electronically to my weight management center (WMC). He was very cool and very supportive saying he was confident that I was mentally and emotionally prepared for the surgery and lifestyle changes to come, and that he knew I would be successful in meeting my weight loss goals. That felt soooo good! :-)

Of course I called the WMC to let them know and they will be calling me with my surgeon appointment shortly. I am really starting to get excited now.

Well - that's it for the first blog.
:-)