shawna W.

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well, i know i have been in therapy for a long time, but i never admitted i was an emotional eater. my therapist kept saying bored is an emotion. so on so forth. the other day i had a break down in my car as i was driving to pick up my Chinese food order...for earlier my husband and i had a small spat/talk. and i was upset. and i thought to myself after i got the food....wow..i am an emotional eater not just when i am bored. and i opened my mind up to to see when i eat; bored, happy, sad, lazy, "not paying attention", etc. i skipped on recording my food for about 12 days on MFP. and i decided to record for that day after everything i ate to see how much i was eating because to be honest...i gained 14 pounds back. ugh. anyway here are my shameful stats for the day.

calories,carbs,fat,protein,sugar

see what i mean by shameful. i know it is...now i am wondering have i eaten like this the last 12 days!?!?! i know i didn't eat to that extreme, but i know i at probably roughly 3,000... anyway i started recording again 3 days ago. my goal is 1,000-1,200 a day and i have been getting there its about 1,400 a day, i cant go from one extreme to another in a snap. also allow 1 "cheat day" a week. why did i put that in quotes. well because its going to be a moderated cheat day, not a gun-ho splurge. like yesterday was my cheat day (my husbands and i always have 1 date a week) instead of 1,400 i at 1,800 which isn't too bad. also i started exercising!!!! not much cause i don't want to make my disease flare up too much. but a simple walk around the block and 2 minutes of crunches/sit ups (i did 103!!! go me!) and my husband is doing the simple things with me also because he has a foot injury. and i am going to start my yoga again.

so now for the surprising moment. i was laying in bed and my hubby and i were talking he says..why don't we get the boflex tred climber? i was like i would love too!!! i want that machine so bad, i have been thinking about it for a couple months. but i told him i want that to be my small goal machine. he said why. i said because the max weight is 300 pounds...i am 340 i want to get to 280 before getting it so i know i don't break the machine. i said can we get it when i do depending if our financial standing is good? he said yes :) i love that man!

sorry for this being rambley and long. when i am sick, i make less sense than i do normally.

~Shawna w.

since December 10 2012 i have been dealing with denial. im trying to get an appeal together and right now im kind of melancholy. but im trying to keep a positive attitude about it all because in the end i know i will have the surgery. weather the appeal gets approved or me having to do 6 months all over again. i just feel like i have wasted a year a bit because i had school and jobs on hold for this and im now at a stand still there are so many things i could be doing im not. because i need to know if this surgery is happening or not. anyway sorry for the little bit of a rant. but ill update again when i have any word.

~shawna

 i just want to vent a little of what i am thinking.

at first was thinking I’ll never: drink soda, eat bread, eat pasta, etc. I have read these posts for quite a while at first I got upset at so many people indulging. But then I thought after a few posts, what am I thinking we are still human, just with rearranged insides. We will get cravings again! We will eat the wrong things. I saw my mom go through this surgery; it’s been almost 13 years. She was maintaining all these years, but decided to kick in gear again. She has lost over 200 pounds and now is losing more . She had this surgery before all these new "rules" the drinking protein shakes and such. Yes she takes a multivitamin but nothing else. She has eaten bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, pizza, fries, and potato chips, had soda, ate candy once in a while. But she still has maintained. She is my role model for this surgery because she gets cravings, but it’s all about moderation! I am not going to do these things right out of surgery, but who knows when. Never is a very long time. Especially since I am only 20 (going on 21 in March) that’s another 60 or so years of saying I’ll never be having these things again is crazy! I am lucky I have started therapy back in May and have been working on my emotions and eating. Also my husband started joining me to work on us and he can be part of the transforming process of what surgery will do. There a lot of rules for surgery I will follow. I want to follow the plan to the T or as best I can for results that last for many years. But anyway my point is if these things will be introduced back into my life after surgery. It’s going to be moderation, moderation and some more moderation.

answered 370 true and false questions and then questions with the psych eval person. i felt like those questions were someone with schizophrenia. are there voices in your head, so you see things others don't. etc.

anyway when i got to the part when it was with the person at the end of the test i had to read words which got very hard and she was giggling. a professional giggling and i asked her why she said you make so many facial expressions and some are just so funny. and i laughed too cause i get told that a lot. so least i made her job humorous.

we'll see what happens

~shawna

so i think i totally just scared myself. i had a 6 month diet and i had one month where i had a different doctor than normal and i am scared they wont count that month and i have to start over! but then again they wouldn't have given me the approval to see the surgeon if it didnt...i think...wow brain why..

anyway so i got a multivitamin their soooo good i actually cant wait to take them every day! it like a treat! and i also got liquid iron. you may think it would taste horrid. actually it not!! i did not mind it, it had kind of a fruit flavor. it said to mix with water or juice to prevent staining. i mixed it and i drank it no problem. it only cost $5.67 from the store (pharmacy might have to order it for you, not a prescription) and it lasts for 96 days. 1 pint, 1 teaspoon a day. so when i get my gastric bypass i will just add it in my water in the after noon away from my calcium of course. and sublingual B12 doesn't taste like anything so it doesn't bug me either. :)

side note: my second part of my psych exam is on the 26th! hopefully i'll be on better behavior since i was sick and grouchy last time.

anyway just wanted to inform you all

~shawna

wow i have never had a problem with my blood work i was always great! but i got them and i have low B12 and borderline iron? :/ hm interesting!

i went to the nutritionist and she was a very nice lad she must have been maybe 120 pounds, asked her if she ever been over and she goes well i am very active....i mean i wish right haha. anyway i think i knew more than she did....i said i been researching it for so long and she said wow you have researching it longer than i have had this job. flag 1. she says you can eat scrambled eggs in soft food stage. thw RN that works directly with my surgeon said no scrambled eggs. and i was a chatter box because i was sharing every bit of information i knew added onto hers. its funny the people in the class were asking me for suggestions and information on it instead of her. LOL! but i said i am in no way a doctor or professional but here are my opinions, basically.  buy she sounded like she knew a lot but i am just following my DRs guidelines.

anyhow. thats my update i need sleep i have an appointment tomorrow. therapy not anything for the surgery but still good for the mind and soul.

~shawna

i tried to quite bad habits before surgery. i quit soda, junk food, sugars etc. what the heck it seems after my last appt on my 6 month diet, i slowly let loose! also been struggling with the calorie thing i think that is where i am having a a hard  time so i think im taking it out on food. i been drinking soda (not as often but i so i need to stop!) i been indulging on junk food, i just cant get enough!! i don't know why!!! i mean i hate donuts...what have i eaten 10 of? DONUTS! ugh!! and chips. and fried food. i think this is my head hunger getting the best of me and trying to say goodbye. i am not saying goodbye to food, i am just trying to hang out with a better crowd of food. right now i am hanging with the wrong crowd, the food addict crowd. tomorrow i am getting back on track. i think its because i looked at it as a diet, not a lifestyle. i need to see this is a LIFESTYLE!! and will be for now on. i don't want to be 1 year out or hell even 10 years out and sabotaging what i worked so hard on. i need to be completely honest to my self and to my journal. i vow to get back on track! tomorrow i really will have baked chicken! and no soda just water (flavored)! my husband hates saying no to me when it comes to food but he done it. i am an addict so of course i get around it and convince myself oh no one more of this and that....come on shawna get to freaking together! do you know what you about to do to your body? do you know the risks? do you want to be that 1/3 regain statistic (unless preggo then it doesn't count cause of course your going to gain weight haha) huh do ya. i need some tough love!!! no more sabotaging shawna!!! no matter what don't have a last meal before surgery! (sorry kind of a motivational speech to me at the end sorry if it looks like i am crazy)

i need to get back on track for real. i mean...why do this is i am just going to be rude to myself and hubby and ruin it. then there is no point. i may be having this surgery in a month or two. i need to clean up my act. i just feel so guilty about it. and i know it hurts my husband to see me this way, indulged and then be upset for it and i pushed him to the point where he doesn't even say anything anymore when i eat something bad...i think he just gave up because i convinced myself it just one more. he told me he is worried about the surgery because of this. he was feeling confident in it before but the way he has seen me lately he is losing a little faith in my will power and ablilities....i feel i am not only letting my self down, i am letting him down. i don't blame him. we as humans can only support what we think one is capable of. i have shown i was and now am not. we had a discussion a while back where he said "don't you hate it when people say you cant do something, i thought you were stronger than junk food. and were stubborn enough for it." this made me cry for hours.... at first i thought he was being very mean... but now that i think about it. he is right, i am stronger than junk food and i will prove people wrong and show them i have the will power. and will stand strong in the end. and even when i get pregnant i will stick to healthy foods. i know people get the baby gives cravings, but i wont have French fries "because the baby wants them." i don't want to just be healthy, sexy and alive. i want to be able to count on myself for good choices. it would be selfish to Brandon (hubby) through this, my family and myself through something i would just ruin in the end......waste of their time, money and support. and when i do something else drastic one day...they will probably just shrug it off like yeah...right she is capable of ruining something that rearranged her guts...

anyway sorry long rant and rambling but that is how i roll. i just needed to get this off my chest. i was bugging me. well good night and tomorrow is a new day for me. a healthier and un-sabotaging me. :)

~shawna

next Monday i have a nutritionist appointment at 9:30 am and next week i start therapy with my husband :D he is going to be included so he can get into this gastric process too(even though i talk a lot about and show him pictures of how i may look 'flabby wise') so he doesn't just go through the motions and we can work together. as i change we both can change. what makes me really happy is that i didn't have to twist his arm. i asked him when i started therapy if he would go with me he automatically said yes, he would go with me. my therapist wanted to wait till i got my surgery date. i don't have that yet but i know it might be in a month or two so we're starting early. but i am glad he is being a such a  good support system! i am lucky to have him, even if he is a pain in the ass, but i am one too so it balances! hahaha

anyway ill let you guys know on Monday how it went.

~shawna

so since i had my 6 month pre op diet done they figure im going to be having surgery with in the next month or two!!!! that sooo exciting!! anyway events that happened today. i was on time being to the BUILDING but i ran into a lady on the elevator and we were just talking and she said she had the surgery herself and was giving me tip and such. she was so sweet!!! i liked her. she gave me her number and said call anytime. okay now i am late to my APPOINTMENT. what...it just dawned on me...i gave the wrong time i was there at 9:45 and my appt was at 10. lol oh man am i a blonde or what!! well ya see i am a little scatter brain haha. anyway so now that you witnessed that. i got in and had to do a breathing test thing where it searches for this bacteria in the esophagus and stomach. it was negative. yay! but the stuff i had to drink gave me heartburn badly! also they said it take like a sweet tart. it did if it were also butt flavored. then i wait and another nurse comes in and talks about my information with me. then the third comes in and talks to me about nutrition and such and what going to happen. nothing i haven't heard or read. but its still  good repeat since you want to focus your mind on those changes instead of brushing it off. and then i got my labs done and now i am done home and eating. i was starved!

peace

shawna