Sharyn

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I have spent so much time working, working, trying to get my business going, and trying to scratch out a social life that I have not been on here much. I miss my friends and miss "meeting" newbies. I've always been jealous of the closeness a lot of people on the boards have, and now I feel even more removed. Why is any of this an issue? I need the support. I'm not working out, not taking all of my vitamins, not supplementing my protein, eating WAY too many carbs, gaining weight, and am FAT. I'm tired of rollercoasters, but I keep getting on the damn line. I've got to find a way to recommit myself. It's going to take energy, but I'm just all out right now. If anyone as any spare strength, I sure could use it!!

1/26/07........................Well, I was supposed to have a date this afternoon. However, I was stood up. It wasn't anyone I had met before, but it still hurts. I have the heavy, anxiety-like feeling in my chest. He lives in Dayton which is just an hour away. He had to go back to sign some tax documents and said he would return. However, he did not come back and didn't even bother to call. So here I sit, once again - alone, the odd man out, left behind - as usual. I was having such a good day. I had a Dr's appt for my pap, yuck, but it was a great visit. My doctor said how good I looked and that she liked my new sassy hair. She even asked me to talk to one of her other patients and hugged me on her way out. It kills me to be so HIGH one moment and thencrashing the next. But I suppose that's what happens when you really don't know who you are or where you fit in.

1/22/07.................................................................................I've never been into blog's, but thought that I might give it a try. I'm not going to start with the story of how I got fat - I'll save that from my intro one day. I'll just start with how I'm feeling today - and try to go forward................................................... I have always wondered how I can be in a room full of people, but still feel alone and lonely. The lonlier I feel, the more I seem to isolate myself. I guess my real struggle is - I can no longer hide from the factors that made me fat to begin with. I have about 20-25 lbs to loose. Then what? Will that make me happy? Or will I decide that I need to loose more. Even the 20-25 is more than I was supposed to loose. I am only 5 lbs above not only my surgeon's goal, but my PCP's goal for me too. But that's not good enough. The more I obses about my weight, weight loss, and exercise, the less I have to focus on the problems. So am I scared? You bet. If I don't tackle my issues, I'll either end up sick or fat again. I can not go back to being fat again. It's my biggest fear. I know I won't survive if I have to do it again.............................................................................. Sorry - I know this is confusing, but I just needed to get some things out that are weighing me down.