sexycrazypatty

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Well I go to the support group meetings that are here once a month. It is rough because I am 25 and most people that are there are 40 plus. They all started skinny and got fat then had surgery. As Fat people the were insecure or something. Finally when they lost weight they got to feeling sexy and things like that. I feel like at those meetings that I cannot relate to them when they talk. I was coceited and thought i was super sexy fat. Since I have had surgery I feel ugly. I hate my scars. I have had a c-section and my gall blatter out also all with in a year of each other. To me scars are ugly and now find my stomach ugly. They tell me my mind set will change but I am not so sure. I didnt have the surgery because how I looked I was the bomb fat. I had surgery so I could be around for my baby in the future, so i could run and play with him. Not because I was tired of being fat and that is why I dont relate to the ladies in the meetings. Oh well

I went through with the surgery and had it on the 19Th. I was out of the hospital on the 21st and had to stay in the area until the 21st to see my doctor since i am 150 miles away. He told me I am on a journey to a new life and all that jazz and sent me home. I went to my parents house because my son was there and it was horrible. I was in SOOOO much pain. They gave me a pain patch but the adhesive I was allergic to and caused blisters on my skin. The liquid Lora-tab they gave me made me try to vomit. So I had nothing but to choke it down or deal with it. To top it off my son didn't even want me. I would try to sit with him and he would crawl away. I cried it was a traumatic experience that all I had wanted for days was him and he did not want me. I dealt with it.

On wed the 25Th I couldn't hold anything but water and wasn't getting much of it. I had horrible diarrhea and tons of dry heaves over and over making the pain worse. My mom called my doc because I refused I didn't want to be back in a hospital. Then low and behold I was sent back to Wichita Falls and admitted into the hospital. When I was told I had to head back I almost had a panic attack. I didn't want to be in the hospital again. I don't like people telling me when to eat sleep walk and everything else.

So anyway at the hospital since i was unable to hold anything and the other pain meds were not working out for me they put me back on a delotted shot for pain. When they looked at my stomach at first glance they thought infection. Luckily it was just irritated and draining. I was dehydrated very bad and actually had some sort of infection because I was on rocephin, but it wasn't in my incision thank god. Still had showers TWice  day. After I was re-hydrated and able to get around better I was doing good. I was told many times I would go home the next day. Then the next day would come and I was still sitting there. I even had to have nurses watch me eat to make sure I was taking small enough bites.I felt like such a child.

Right now I am home I got to come home today march 1st. I am super happy to be home and to be with my son. The surgery I hate right now. I seriously do. I have so many restrictions. Its not the food I can deal with it. My restrictions I don't like are not being able to pick up my son or bend over to grab him. Instead I have my little sister here and she has to jump up to do all my duties because I cant move fast enough. I hate it. I don't feel like a mom. I know that in like 4 months or so maybe even 2 months that I will be like I made the smartest decision of my life. I KNOW THAT! But right now I feel like I made a huge mistake. I probably wouldn't do it again if i could go back in time. Later on though I am sure that mind set will change. But right now I HATE IT!!

I am sitting here across the street from the rathgerber house while my husband is in the kitchen eating. Wishing I could eat. Seems like its been so long since I have had a chili dog and it sounds good. I am scared and everytime I turn around I am shedding tears because I am so scared. I dont know what I am doing I keep telling him to take me home I dont want this anymore.  I cant help but think Oh God What Do I Think I Am Doing. I have always been fat I am not sure I want to change that anymore. I want to be healthy but I still want to be me. I am so confused.

I have been having these weird feelings lately and I feel so angry all the time now. I yell at my husband, I yell and fight with my sisters. I am not angry towards my son or neices or nephew. Not even my lil sis who is pregnant. Just everyone else in my family. I feel frustrated, anxious, nauseated, scared, and angry. All at the same time. I cant help but wonder, Is this normal? I dont think it is but I dont know. I have lost the 50 lbs and going in for surgery under 400 now.  I have taken my son out to my moms house because we leave for Wichita Falls tomorrow. I also start my liquid pre op tomorrow. God I am scared to death.

Well I am down to six days to go and now I'm getting sick. Isn't that how it goes though. I have had a hell of a stressful week too.  drive outta town for my sons check up with his surgeon and then he winds up sick. So I take him to the hospital and he gets admitted for rotovirus. I wasn't eating or anything at the hospital. He has horrible diaper rash and poops every few minutes. I am running low on diapers and rash cream. They said the diarrhea can last up to 2 weeks. All I can think is that poor baby and there is nothing I can give him or anything to make him better. They said the rotovirus has no antibiotic your body fights it out on its own.

When we got out I felt horrible. I was freezing but had no fever. coughing but no sore throat or runny nose. I was also dizzy and had a bad headache. So I went to the walk-in clinic and the stupid nurse practitioner kept saying I had the flu. So she checked my nose with one of those swab things and it hurt. When it came back negative for the flu. They then ran my blood to check for dehydration and other stuff. It came back normal too. They were stopped in their tracks. They gave me something for nausea and said if i get worse go to the er. I am just glad I have tricare cause if I would have paid for that I would have been pissed.

So now I am sitting at home. My mom took my son so they could care for him while i am not feeling well. When I go to Wichita falls for surgery if I am sick I don't think they will do it. I look at it like this if I am sick and they don't do it. I am not having it done. I have followed all their rules now for 6 weeks. Their diet I have done. I have lost the weight. 40 lbs last month. And 10 more this month. I will be damned if they say I am sick and cant have it. My Husband is mad telling me not to be like that but its my choice. That's what I have decided. Maybe its stupid to have come so far and quit. I know it is but I don't care. If it gets to that point that will be my choice.

Here lately it seems as if days are getting way longer. I know it my nerves getting ready for this surgery. Some of my family has sorta made me feel bad because i broke my diet to have a last early valentines dinner with my husband. He Has to work evenings and has weekend duty the weekend before Valentines. Then My surgery is 5 days after Valentines and that just wouldnt work. So this was the only time we had. Since this past month I havent ate anything but one salad a day and my protien drinks I wasn't able to eat much anyway. I had like 5 bite of pasta, a small salad, and a peice of their bread. Of course that night I had a slice of BBQ pizza too! But still I will lose it all and then some.Which put me at only losing a pound in this last week.

So I am still 15 lbs away with 14 days to go. I also wasnt able to exercise because it froze over tuesday and wed then thursday I was attacked by a pit bull. She bit the back of my thigh and then drug my pants made me fall to the ground and attacked my feet since i was in flip flops. Made it a little hard to walk. I am sure I will make it no problem though. I can walk good now just hurts some but I deal with the pain. My hubby is being more understanding. Seems like some of my sisters are not. The one who had it before is trying to tell me what i will like and won't like and is trying to compare me to her. I keep saying we like differnt things plus I see the wrong choices she has made and I hopfully know not to make some of those same mistakes.

I have like a mini vacation coming up. We found out my little sister was pregnant. She lives 2 hours from me in Fort Worth. Since My son has two appointments next week I am able to spend mon-fri with her to help her get the medicaid wic and things she needs. It's hard because now her pregnant emotions are way high and shes acting like I am going to die under the knife. I try explain but it does no good. I just tell her those emotions get worse lol. I wanted to be pregnant with her so she didnt go it alone like I did but I told her I want surgery before another baby and she understood.  She might even go to wichita falls with me for surgery. shes a good support person.

Well I am off to bed so I don't get tempted to take a bite of the cheese cake I made for my hubby.  I must love him to make things for him I can't eat LOL.

Well I am Patricia and I am scheduled for Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass on February 19, 2009. I met with Dr Warnock on January 2nd weighing 445lbs. My BMI was like a 72 or something. I was just going for a consultation and by the end I was put on a diet to help shrink my liver and then they put in the request to my insurance which is Tricare Prime. It was obviously approved because of my super morbid obesity. I knew it would be approved and that i would wait 3 days for the complete approval, since tricare only has 3 business days to approve or deny a referral. Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right choice and am I making it for the right reasons.

I say that because I have an 8 month old baby who went through hell at his birth and fought so hard to make it. I want to fight hard to be here for him. I think how it will make things easier for my husband and my life in general will become easier. Then I wonder and ask myself "will I be like my sister when she had hers???" She told everyone it was for her children too. But when she lost 50lbs she left her husband and became very promiscuous. At one point in time her some was two and told her that she was not his mom that i was because I took care of him so often. She would go to the bar and get drunk all the time and pretty much that first year wasted her life. She did everything the doctors said not to do. Will I do that???

I never ever thought of my weight as a handicap. I really don't have health problems yet. I am mobile. I am pretty. I have tons of pictures taken of me and have lots of self confidence. I feel like being fat even if its really fat has made me who I am. If I lose my fat will I lose myself??? Will I go from being gorgeous fat to being super ugly like star Jones??? Will I fail??? I don't know. I know I need it to save my life so I can spend it with my son who fought so hard to make it. What if i become someone I am not. What if I become some hypocrite. What if I become a self centered conceited bitch??? I don't know. I just don't know.