scaredeesquirrel

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Back on track food-wise.  Not doing so well otherwise.  Maybe some changes are in order.  Nuff said. 

I went to a cook out today.  Did my protein shake thing in the morning.  Then ate more than I should have all day long.  Not as bad as I did before the surgery, but enough to feel restriction in the form of hiccups and a little pain.  Eating too fast, and eating too much.  My plan for tomorrow is only shakes to brake the feeling I have of getting impulsive with my eating.  It seems that if I have choices about what I eat, I get anxious about it.  I'm just a little anxious.  It felt like I was living in a candy box or something.  I was able to turn some stuff down.  Didn't really want them, which, in the case of a Carvell Ice Cream Cake is nothing short of a miracle.  So, I guess it wasn't a total failure.  Buuut, when it came to deviled eggs etc, I was in a struggle that I didn't do so well with.  I'm just feeling a bit...jittery.  I have had a couple of bad weeks emotionally, so I imagine that has something to do with this.    It ain't over yet as far as my stress goes for at least the next week.  And to top it off, I had lost a couple.  Then got it back.  All of which the sane person in me knows is normal.  But the anxious person I am at the moment is struggling with that demon.  Feels like the old days when the fluctuation thing was an invitation (by me) to just go nuts with food.  So, I'm writing this to get it out of my system I guess.  Let's see if going back on the shakes brings me back to earth.  Man, this whole "head" part of the food thing is quite a beast.  And I guess that beast will always be there...just need to keep it at bay.  Tomorrow's another day.  Now if I can just get through next week without going down the tubes with stress, maybe I'll be better at this...For now..holding on with my fingernails. 

At least the scale didn't look like a gain today.  It's been fluctuating a bit.  I'd reaaaalllly like it to start to move though.  I have not been misbehaving.  Been trying to log everything.  I think I feel restriction?  My take on it is that after I eat I actually feel full, so that must be it.  Almost seems like restriction is too strong a word in a way.  It's more like correction or something.  To me restriction  implies pain or discomfort.  I am full though. Well that's it.  Today's goal:  eat at scheduled times +- one hour and nothing that isn't planned outside of that time-frame. 

 Aargh.  I've been having way too much fun at work lately.  Pretty much every day for the past couple of weeks I have been "putting out fires".  And I'm kinda sick of it.  Right now, I'm just trying to calm myself so that I can compose some sort of rational, not raving mad, thing to say to virtually all of my staff tomorrow.  I have to get my filter out and make sure that I sound professional even though I want to go into a raging fit.  And of course, I have hit the plateau that I knew was coming, which doesn't help much.  And, I don't think I'm feeling a lot of restriction, although I suppose it could be because I'm eating right? Guess if I don't push it, maybe I won't feel it.  Sooooo, I had a measured out amount of chocolate cheerios.  (Don't buy them, they taste too good)  At least I measured and recorded them.  It's not news to me that when I get stressed I reach for food, but it clearly is my demon.  And so, I'm wrestling that demon.  So far I'm winning, but it's one heck of a fight.  Let's hope tomorrow will be at least a little better.  

Not that it's all bad, mind you.  I showed up for my first fill thinking I was early.  NOT.  Actually nearly a half hour late.   Wrote the time wrong or got it confused with the nutrition appointment time from last week.  So, my lovely surgeon took me no questions asked.  He owed me anyway cause he left me in the exam room for an hour last time.  Paybacks are Hell.

So the fill went fine.  Got 5 cc's put in.  For some reason I didn't think he would put that much in for the first time, but  I'm glad that he did.  Sooooo, I've been a little stressed  for the past few days.  Even the boss has asked if I need a few days off...duh?  I get annoyed with people who won't do their own work, and with people who  don't seem to be able to get out of the "I can't" attitude.  Drives me nuts.  It's too long to go into, but suffice it to say that my patience is wearing a bit thin. Been putting out too many fires on my own I  guess.  I'm the dinosaur on the unit, so sometimes it gets a bit dicey for me when I feel like the young'uns get a little whiney.  I have a different mentality than everyone else cause I'm a boomer.  And I'm out numbered.  Also was in the military a lot of years ago and though I would definitely not be called strict by anyone, sometimes I just want to scream, "can you just do it?  The whole time you are trying to find out how not to do it, you could have done it!!"  Goes for the big boss too.  I like her, but we have a very different  style.  She thinks inside the box and I can't  even find the box.
Then I get home to find out that my son-in-law is being a jerk to my grandson, so that REALLY set me off.   It's one of those things that is out of my control to some degree, but I'm about an inch from going over there and taking my grandson home with me.  Nothing physical.  Just being a jerk.  When he's like this, I really have a hard time liking him much.  He's bipolar which makes it a bit tough.  For some reason my daughter has a knack for picking out damaged goods to marry.  First one was a real piece of work.  This one...just depends on which cycle we're in.

So, where is this going, you might ask?  My first impulse is to reach for food.  Just had this fill done and now I want food.  It's my head talking and for a little while it has been actually shouting to me.  This would have been a non-stop binge tonite it weren't for band.  As it was, I munched on a couple handfuls of cheerios until my brain stopped me from going to that dark place filled with assorted food items that don't even taste good!  If I hadn't stopped, I guess my stomach would have eventually stopped me :)

Tomorrow will be different day, I know.  I just hope that different means better.  I could use some betters!  
Well, that's my cathartic note for the day.  Now, I'm going to go upstairs and read some recipes to see if I can create something other than a good protein shake!

To all who cared to read, thanks for putting up with me!

Not that I'm complaining, really.  I knew it was too good to be true when I magically lost like 2.5 pounds overnight the other day.  So made the adjustment to the ticker today to keep it honest.  My stomach seems to have re-awakened and I'm actually getting hungry a bit, and not feeling so full.  Guess that swelling had to go down sometime!  So now the work begins.  The head-work.  This is where I have to put the mindful eating into practice.  I knew it was coming....!  
Yesterday was my grandson's birthday.  I have never seen so many carbohydrates gathered in one location.  Damn those M&Ms!!!  Little bite sized morsels that definitely melt in your mouth.  I made it through, but I wouldn't say unscathed.  Not enough to do real harm, but was really struggling with those M&M's (and that blue frosting..and that stuff's yukkiy).  
And today, I got a reality jolt.  My husband took a picture of me and sent it to me and my father (which I was not happy about).  Probably my most accurate before picture to date...and it's 12 pounds less than the real before.  I'm going to put it on here to keep me grounded.....
So...it's back to protein, lotsa water, ground up tasty green beans etc.  Mindful eating..mindful eating...mindful eating.... 

 Two days to go, and it's almost feeling real.  Thanks to all who have checked in and offered support.  Much appreciated!  I've been working a lot in order to minimize my vacation time use.  At this point I think my only chance for a decent rest will be delivered by my anesthesiologist!  
Still a bit scared about blowing it all for some dumb reason.  I bought my post op liquid stuff the other day.  Feels kind of weird to know that I won't be chewing on much of anything for about a month.  I've begun to develop a taste for my Flinstone's Chewables, and I bought a large size of Benefiber to keep it handy.  I have a friend who had RNY a few weeks ago who related to me her story of terrible constipation that nearly drove her to the ER.  I don't think I want to do that..!
Haven't told anyone at work, but am now having to tell people that I will be out for a few days.  They want to know what I'm going to be up to.  So far, I have successfully dodged the question.
I hope they let me sleep in on Thursday!  (late surgery)  I hate to get up early!

I'm almost done with my head tweak book.  Am looking to get another book about eating after surgery, written by my nutritionist.  Also actually going to ask my husband to take a before picture.  I'm sure he has a few already because I always refused to look at any of them.  I think doing the picture will be a smart move for me.  Keep me focused, keep me in reality. 

Soooo.  I'm about a month away now.  See the anesthesiologist on Monday.  Tick tick tick.  I'm looking forward to having this done, but I'm really afraid I'll blow it.  I'm working hard at the head tweak.  And that is not-so-suprisingly hard.  I get it.  But it really is going to take a consistent effort to maintain the life-long results I want.  The center of it all is to maintain focus.  I think that is the base of it all, and the work is built upon it.
Commitment has to be to the head.  If I don't get the head part the rest of it won't stick.