rabutner

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so i had a really bad weekend foodwise...not portion sizes, so much as foods that were rich, and fatty...I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much, except that maybe because I have been busting my butt at the gym, and then I turn around and eat crap!!!  WTH is wrong with me!?!?  I know that there is no point is beating myself up about it, but I need to figure this out.  I KNOW what I need to be doing, and part of my problem is eating with my family...I truly think I am going to have to stop doing that.  They tend to eat a lot of heavy foods, rich, cream sauces, pastas, potatoes, etc.  I need to stick to proteins, fruits and veggies, whole grains, etc...I'm thinking I might sign up for weight watchers, maybe get some guidance???  I dunno...shrug...just more money going out, but I guess it's worth it if it gets me back on track and in a downward direction with my weight

I have had a great first week back to the gym.  My trainer is fantastic and her focus with her clients is strengthening the core.  Yesterday she had me doing pushups, medicine ball work, kettle bells, and 3 other weight training exercises.  I am nice and sore today, but not in pain which is good.  I am energized, and upbeat, and really looking forward to my work out tomorrow.  And I actually find myself WANTING to take my dog out on walks now!!  Not just cuz she needs it, but because I want to do it!!  Gotta keep them short thanks to my ankle limitations, but we make it around the block twice before it starts to hurt!!!  Do that a few times a day and that's pretty good!!  Then the gym and weights are every other day for 30 minutes.  

Well...I bit the bullet yesterday, despite my fears of reinjuring my ankle, I fear gaining more weight back more, so I signed up at the gym, and do my first session with a trainers guidance today!!!  She is going to take me through an entire cardio workout utilizing weights only!!  And as we all know, weight training helps build muscle which burns fat, and boosts your metabolism, and increases weight loss!!  I'm super excited to lose the weight I've gained, and also to be in better shape at 155 than I was the last time!!!  After my workout, I have a massage, so I will be nice and relaxed and tired tonight!!!  :D  OH...and my trainer has me doing a food log that she is tracking, not that I'm a horrible eater, but I do have my moments, so this will definitely have me thinking twice about what I eat every day...hehehe  I need the accountability!!!

It's really interesting to me, I am now enrolled in college working towards my criminal justice degree and due to circumstances beyond my control this semester I am taking all online classes, and am taking classes that really have nothing to do with my degree, but that are extremely interesting!!!  I have 2 different nutrition classes and a psychology class plus algebra (which does count).  In the process of doing the reading for the nutrition and psychology classes I am learning a lot about how the body works, how the brain works and what parts of the brain affect what parts of the body, how many fat cells a normal person has vs an obese person...When I first started the semester, I was laid up with a broken/sprained ankle and completely immobile and one of my fears was that during the time that I couldn't do anything that I was going to gain the 15 pounds I had just spent 6 months losing!!!!  But because of my first nutrition class I changed up what and how much I was eating and managed to keep my weight gain to a minimum!!  I am off crutches now and am making baby steps towards getting back to what I usually like to do as far as my physical activity levels go.  I am taking short walks, and am looking very forward to getting back to doing my running, and dancing and weight lifting.  I am only 14 weeks out from my injury, and my therapist said to give it another couple of weeks before I attempt going back to the gym since walking Pikes Place set me back pretty badly this week!!  

My friend Mimi, who is also a bypass patient (she had hers 12 weeks after me) is also struggling, but is winning her battle and I am soooo proud of her!!!  She had the activity level down already, and has stepped it up with a 3 mile walk every morning regardless of what the weather is doing that morning, she does zumba, and then all her regular activities with her kids, and her job.  And she is on weight watchers because her downfall was that she wasn't eating properly.  I have the diet down, and just need to step up the activity levels when I can and I will see the drop happen.  I sooooo want to get back to 159!!!  And I know I can do it...I did it once, I'll do it again!!!!!!

I absolutely cannot believe that I again let this site go for over a year without posting anything!!  I am almost at 8 years and am ashamed to admit that I have gained over half of what I had lost back.  And unfortunately what I have discovered is that our amazing bodies acclimate to the lowered calories, so even though I eat insanely healthy, I am in the same position now 8 years post-op that I was pre-op and that is that I have to bust my ass to lost weight.  

When I sit here and think about certain foods that I eat now I realize that there are things in my diet that I couldn't and wouldn't eat for the first 3 years!!  For example, RICE, or anything fried, my excuse is oh it's tempura, it's not as bad...YES IT IS!!  CARBONATED BEVERAGES....omg I can't believe I did this to myself!!!  All those years of battling only to conquer, and now to be battling again.  I keep telling my angel who is also struggling, "back to basics girl, back to basics"  Go back and read the information they gave us.  Cut the rice, fried foods, soda's, beers, any kinds of desserts which I'm really okay about, and DAMMIT NO SNACKING!!!!!!!  AHHHH!!!!  I know this stuff!!  How did I let myself stray??  I was down to 160 and am now at 235 again...and with my injury, I can't yet work out intensely, only slow, short walks for a bit yet.  SIGH....I am back here because I need the encouragement, I need the accountability, I need a place to go vent when I have bad days, and a place to report my successes!!!

It was such a battle today to get up and get my ass to the gym, BUT...I did!  I got there, stretched, and started my run, and even THAT was a struggle for the entire 2 miles...I almost quit at 25 minutes but said no...you've got 10 minutes left, just DO IT!!  so i changed the music on my mp3 player to something loud and fast and ran until i was done!!!  WOOOO HOOOO!!!

so i did it!!  i got my butt up and was at the gym at 5am when they opened, i did my 2.5 miles and got to work only a few minutes late!!! 

Met with the girls last night to discuss the camping trip and got everything settled there, me and kellie are gonna go jogging since we're the only ones who jog, and the other girls wanna go hiking, Kellie heard what i plan on bringing for food and she was like i want what you're having...lol  it's gonna be a fun weekend.  Tori is gonna have a complete blast and it turns out she will be the only dog going, but that's all good!!

Okay so I met with the plastic surgeon today and here is what he said.  Because of the weight that I've GAINED I need to get below 200 again before he submits the paperwork to insurance to ensure it being approved.  If he submits it now it will either get completely denied despite the rashes, or they will only approve to remove the lower part of my stomach and not the full abdomino-plasty.  He STRONGLY suggested I get back into going to support groups and the nutritiional support meetings.  We scheduled me another appointment for July 14th to re-evaluate my progress and see how far i've dropped.  Right now I'm at 218, and have already lost 12 pounds so I'm on my way already!  I've changed my diet dramatically, and am now working on reducing my portion sizes back to what they should be, and i'm running 2.5 miles a day, and taking my dog for walks on top of it, so it SHOULD come off fairly quickly.  I still can't believe I let a man get ahold of my head like that!!  UGH...oh well I'm stronger for it now!!

I have days where one minute I feel like I'm gonna just cry, and the next i'm irrationally angry.  It's taken me a while to admit that maybe I'm depressed and maybe I need help again.  I started back to therapy on Tuesday and guess what?  I'm now on Zoloft..all my symptoms the anger, the tears, the impatience, lack of tolerance, compulsive eating, ALL OF IT are directly related to my being depressed... time to take back control of my life, time to let go of the things that are directly contributing to my depression and move on with my life.  The trick is figuring out how to let go, why does letting go hurt so much?  I've let go before and never looked back, why is this time different???  Maybe it's cuz I was made to feel like I couldn't live my life without this?  I've lost my self esteem, self respect, self love and my strength and dammit I WANT IT BACK!!!    I've gone back to the gym and started watching what I eat and this morning noticed that my jeans after having been washed and dried were a little loose!  This is a good thing, it means I'm on the right track finally.  I worked SO GOD DAMN HARD and went thru so fucking much and to have gained 65 of the 110 pounds I lost back PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF!!!  I hate myself over it, I look in the mirror and am thoroughly disgusted by what I see.  I hate going out anymore cuz I feel like a big fat cow, yet oddly enough I still get hit on??  What is THAT??

so a friend of mine and i were talking about this website the other day and decided that we really needed to get back to the basics...support, diet, everything.  i had my surgery may 14, 2003 and went from 267 to 158, but i lost sight of things i forgot the basics, and i started letting little things creep in here and there.  i added beer to my repertoire, and that is when the pounds started creeping up on me.  then i met and started dating a man whose eating habits i picked up, and then when we broke up i ate for comfort trying to avoid the depression i was in.  let me just say that this journey changed my life in a lot of ways.  and the people that have come in and out of my life in the last six years have changed my life as well, some good some bad. 

i started back to the gym, and am cutting the beer out, and getting back to the basics of this whole thing.  i'm starting back to counseling this week which i know i need, i went thru it a couple years ago and it really helped me. 

with the love and support i have in my life, i can't not succeed, and more importantly, i need to succeed for me, i feel like i've failed and i went thru a lot to get to what i got to, and i am not ok with failing at this...