poodlelover

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Not much time to chat this morning as I need to get ready for work. Life seems to be catching up with me. So much going on with my daughter 18 and she knows EVERYTHING! UGH! School starts soon for the girls. Bryan got a job actually they called him back from a previous job. We are both excited for this. Lost some wt since coming back to OH w/the help of my friends on OH and some receipes I found on thworldaccordingtogetface's web blog.

Well short and sweet. Work calls. both jobs.

I had a week of indulgence. I REALLY SCREWED UP! I didn't stop myself and made Gowd awful choices. I've spent time and money to get back on track only to allow myself to make poor choices and not stop myself. For what? I can't even tell you as I really don't know myself.

My problem? I think a lot of my problem is I don't know how to put meals together. I went shopping w/my boyfriend at EarthFare and found that I didn't know how to put healthy meals together for me to eat. I found a lot of healthy foods to eat but didn't have the slighest idea how to make meals out of them. My boyfriend pointed that out to me. Every time I found something that looked good or I knew I liked my comment was..."that would be good to snack on" or "I could take that in my lunch for...(my protein or veggie or snack)" That's when I realized I can't put meals together...Never have been able to do so.  What an eye opener!  I can make shakes, I can make pudding, I can make sandwiches but I can't seem to think of things to put w/them to make meals out of them.  I like convience. Time saving. Crockpot cooking, snacking. Is this a reflection of how I was brought up? Maybe. I do remember when growing up and going to visit family my mom would come home and take us to McDonalds or Wendys or any other fast food resturant for dinner. We would have food in the house but it was up to us to make is as my mom was a single mother working from 6a.m to 7pm and had little time to make meals. When she did my sister and I would turn our noses. So I grew up not really knowing how to put meals together not from my mom's lack of trying to teach us but from my lack of will and energy...I was and still am lazy. REALIZIATION HERE!

Time to change. How? That's the question. Search for recipes that are quick and easy first and then expand. I am REALLY going to NEED HELP!

IF YOU ARE READING THIS HELP ME SAVE MYSELF FROM DISTRUCTION.

 I lost total control today at the montly employee pot luck. I ate almost everything served and didn't portion control nor did I even consider what I was eating until I had gone though it. I was doing good at breakfast and up till then but I lost it when I seen the decilous food and smelled it. I know I still have dinner but I don't want to even think about that right now I'm so upset w/myself.

I can't say for sure what happened. I was so excited about talking w/a life coach the previous night and ready to take on the world. I even started on the home work of my goals for the week that night.  However, I woke up the next morning and it's like I couldn't get enough to eat or drink!  Every thing I passed I had to have a bite.  I did decide if I was going to take a bite or drink it was going to be healthy so i did pass up the candy and birthday cakes and ate the protein bar instead but...I just kept eating. I bought some new protein shake mix and I had to have some of it.  No I was not hungry just had that NEED to have it.  I know that even though it's "healthy" or "good for me" I can still over eat/drink and cause myself just as much harm as if I had that cheeseburger.  I hope to do better today.

After listening to a tele-class I began my Sunday with good ententions but by the end of the day I was eating carbs till my head exploded and I'm sure my pouch did too.  I'm so upset with myself!  I got the munchies all day!  I began my day w/a protein shake, 3 hrs later I ate a peanut butter sandwich using flat bread (Earthgrains), had my water in between, but I began to loose the battle around lunch time and it went down hill from there. Potato chips, popcorn, more chips, ate infront of the t.v. I did nothing but lay around all day yesterday.  I had my shopping list ready to go shopping but had to wait till pay day I thought that by making a shopping list it would help me but it didn't.  I am ashamed to say I was lazy! I thought about going to the gym but I knew from past experiences they would be packed (they usually are on the weekends) and would have to wait a long time for different equipment to become open to use.

I'm just a sad speciman for this surgery.  I know today is a new day but there is all those temptations out there lurking and waiting for me to give in and just take the easy way out.  My alarm went off at 4a.m. this morning and I pushed the cancel button because I wanted to sleep. I should have gone to the gym instead.  I should try to go after work but I can't. Part one of my pay day is today and I NEED groceries in the house. My kids NEED the food in the house.

My goal this week?  Get in 2 if not more days in the gym, work on my water/fluid intake w/o caffeine, drink/eat more protein!

I've been bad this week. Started off OK but went down hill from there. I had Monday off for the holiday so I slept in and still got paid!  I love this idea...LOL I got up on Tuesday (4a.m.) and worked out my upper body at the gym felt great but...I was so sore the following 2 days I didn't go back. I'm scheduled to return tomorrow.  Any way I don't get paid until next weeks so I've been trying to use what I have in the house just eat smaller portions of it. Hard to do when it's mostly carbs! Not to mention I work in fast food for a second job.  Well I broke down. I had 3 medium pieces of BBQ Chicken pizza. I also ate the chicken off of a pizza that was made incorrectly so it was a crew pizza instead. I also bought home a lava cake but I didn't eat it. I didn't meet my water for today. I've had a lot of protein today but i didn't work out so what was the use of having the protein?  Ah well. Sleep calls as 4 a.m. comes around quickly.  Good night all.

I would have to say that over all my week has been a roller coaster.  Emotional to say the least.  Dealing w/so many things in my life continues to plague me.  Mostly money.  How am I going to eat healthy, be a roll modele for my girls and help the eat healthy, and pay my bills?  Got paid on Thursday and by that night after paying my bills, I went shopping w/the intention of only spending $25.00.  Didn't happen. I spent close to $100.00 so I've not put my account into the negative and will run up an overdraft of $36.00 per wk that it's not covered which will take 2 wks as that is how often I get paid by both jobs.  I would love for the pay checks to fall on oposing wks but they both fall on the same wk.  Doesn't matter since i don't make much at my second job any way.  My manager at my second job is so wonderful and he understands how bad things are for many people so he hires almost anyone who needs a job this of course in turn decreases the hours others can get so hence low pay checks.  At least we all have jobs I can say that.  He is willing to work you as much as he can if you want to work and are willing to work hard...no slackers!

I got up twice this week to go to the gym.  Better than in the past year when I've not been to the gym at all.  I found out thou that my gym buddy (exhusband) will not be going any longer due to getting a second job himself.  So now I have to find another gym buddy to help keep me accountable and keep me company.

Another problem I'm now facing is embarrising GAS!  Ugh!  Since eating more healthier I've had gas and it stews in my gut causing pain and then it makes LOUD noises not to mention when it has to come out well you know how bathrooms are the echo even so much as a whisper is 3x's louder than it is.  I got some gas x in hopes that this will help reduce the production of this embarrising condition.  This actually makes me think I'm hunger when I'm not because I had just eaten recently but I carry the gas all day long as soon as I put anything in my mouth.  Doesn't matter if  it's water, coffee, juice. Nothing!  It's there ALL  the time...Laugh if you want it's fine I find myself laughing too but truly it's is embarrasing.

I do find that I don't have as much trouble getting in the water as I thought I would.  I didn't realize that I drink a lot of water at both jobs.  I guess because at one job I'm on the phone 8 hrs a day constiantly talking and the other I'm constantly around hot ovens.

I did feel hungry a lot between eating meals this week.  I've been tracking my intake in a food journal and trying to watch where my downfalls are so I can work on them in the coming wks/year.

I have lost 5lbs 2oz this wk but I attribute that to water wt.  My clothes doesn't fit any differently at this time.  I know given time and hard work they will begin to feel looser and better.

I'm depressed today.  It's early in the morning and I've just got paid.  Did my bills and paid what I had to however now I only have $70.00 left after paying them.  I still have to have gas, food, and repair my van.  I just feel like crying!  I work 2 jobs and can't see where the blasted money is going!  I was so excited to get this check in hopes of being able to purchase some protien drinks, sugar-free items, low fat items however I don't even have it.  My kids comes first so I will purchase items they can eat and try to do it sensabily.  I will try to get ground ckn/turkey meat, no salt added veggies, no/low sugar added canned fruit but we will see.  That's a lot for my budget.  I even went w/o paying for one of my bills.  I'm in a downward spiral.  I was also going to decrease my hours at my second job but that can't happen now. UGH!  Thing is?  I only have 1 credit card...yes it's maxed out but it was maxed out before the divorce and I took it while he took the other cards so I got the better part of that.  I've been slowly paying it down and not using it again there just seems like no light at the end of the tunnel.  I didn't even work out today.  I don't have time now as I have to work both jobs today and by the time I get home I will be too tired both mentally and physically.  I just so SICK of this CRAP!!!  Not only all that I have a debt collector "knocking on my door" for a foreclosure I had in FL. My ex and I purchased our first home however due to some unforeseen circumstances we could not keep up on the home since moving to TN.  It was too much to pay for rent here and 2 mortagues in FL.  I just mmmm I'm tired.

On a lighter note I have decided that I'm going to try Click protien powder and Optium Nutrition protien powder.  Plus I got all my water in and then some yesterday!  I had a lot of food at work to choos from but all of it was not good for me however I don't have any choices at this time on what I eat but I did choose to eat less from the choices I had.  I know peanut butter is not so good for me however I did buy it before I got back on track so I am not going to waste my money and not eat it but I didn't have any bread so I had it off the spoon which saved me on carbs.  All the bread that I had was white.

I was at work last night and wanted to eat so badly (I work in pizza for a second job) so instead of making any pizza or any thing else we carry I took some of the better items ckn, onions, mushrooms & a slice of pravlone cheese and made me a little portion for dinner. A bit dry but all the sauces we have are VERY high in fat and calories.

I've found some soy milk that I really like!  Soy Slender sweetened w/Splenda!  Decilious!  I drink a lot of coffee (I know bad caffine) but none the less I can't stop so instead of 1/2 & 1/2 or creamer I put soy milk in it.  I even tried the Blue Diamond unsweetened Almond milk vanilla flavor to "cream" my coffee and I have to say it's great!  I use Splenda to sweeten my coffee so the unsweetened soy milk works fine!

I've also began to keep track of my food/drink intake.  This is a very big eye opener!  I do this for several reasons.  1) I don't have constant access to the food tracker on here so I am able to update my food/drink intake when I get time at home. 2) Helps me watch what I'm eating and when I'm most vulnaberal so I can adjust what I'm eating in the future. 3) I'm held accountable as I share this w/my co-workers, family, friends, anyone who will listen.

Ok so I've gotten up at 4a.m. and did my work out.  I walked 35 minutes on the treadmill and walked 1.2 miles. I also did something similar to the elicptical for 10minutes before that.  I've gotten in 20oz of water so far.  I've drank 4 cups of coffee (yes caffine not good but I have to give this up in time) w/Soy Slender as the creamer. MMM that is really good BTW!  I've found that I like to drink a 1/2 a glass before bed for my "chocolate" craving.  It's delicious!

Now I'm running behind for getting ready for work because so many people have responded to some of my posts and e-mails I like to respond back personally.  Though this might have to change in the very near future.  I love all the support I get here on OH.

Ok so my first intentions didn't work out so well.  I am going to try again.  I've made a commentment to get up at 4 a.m. and go to the gym.  I've gained 50 lbs back since having my surgery 6 yrs ago.  I've been though so much that I've let myself go.  I've been though a divorce, working 2 jobs, rasing 2 teenage girls, and I have a boyfriend.  I'm VERY short on funds, and even shorter on time BUT I have to do this!  Since putting on my 50lbs I've been out of breath just walking, can't fit into any of my "skinny" clothes (this is expensive having to by new bigger clothes) not to mention my own mental wellbeing.  So if you are reading this and is willing to help me over come myself please do not be afraid to drop me a line of support, encouragement, or any suggestions you may have.