peanutinpa

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I am 18 months out on February 20th.
I have done well - I lost 220 pounds.  Still, those food demons are creeping back into my head.  I want to eat and eat alot of stuff that I know is not good for me.   Somedays, I think that maybe it would be best to go on shakes/fluids for a few days to get back to basics but eventually the stress of the day catches up and I eat.......and I eat crap.  It doesn't have to be in the house. If it is not there, I go get it.  I know I am worth this battle of weight/health and living a life that I want to live.  I mean I don't hurt physically at all anymore.  I have talked to a therapist about this but in the end, only I can sort out the demons in my head that makes me go to food for comfort.  Today is day 2 of drinking the shakes and fluids. I will throw some yogurt and cottage cheese in there as well.  I need to find my "groove" again.  I don't want the honeymoon period to be over.   Will it be this way forever?  I am tired of the weight struggle.  I need to get in the mindset that this battle is a minute by minute/hourly/daily struggle.  I will get there....I just need to remember what is important.

As I sit here in a quiet house this morning on the first day of 2011, I wanted to write my thoughts, hopes and promises that I want to give to myself in 2011.
I promise to be more aware of the food that I eat and to exercise more, even if it is a walk around the block.
I promise to remember to tell those that I love that "I love them" daily....for that part every moment that I have.
I promise to learn to love myself again after hating myself all those years.
I promise to learn that "I matter" and not to put myself second anymore.
I promise to laugh more and appreciate more and pray more.
I promise to work harder, save more (at least be more aware of what I am spending) and be more productive in my daily life.
I promise to live a life that I have not had for so long because of morbid obesity.
I promise to be thankful for all that I have - health, family, happiness, home,  job and faith.
Happy New Year!

November 4, 2010 – Lately, well since I hit maintenance, my eating has been TERRIBLE. I admit that I was not 100% compliant prior to going on maintenance, but for me being bad was eating one cookie. I did not want cake or pie. I did not want to eat and eat and eat. I never would have thought in a MILLION years to go to Burger King, McDonalds or Wendy’s but I have to admit, I ate a spicy chicken sandwich (minus the bread) from there with some fries. Dr. Soriano told me on September 8, 2010 that I was on maintenance and to maintain the weight I was at. He said that he didn’t want me to lose any more and that he was pleased with where I was. Anyway, ever since that day, I have lost it. I would say that I am compliant about 60% of the time but the other 40% is a GOD AWFUL MESS! So, the question is….”Why am I sabotaging myself?” I know what to eat. I know what to do. I know the basics and still I eat things that I am supposed to stay clear of.   I love my new body. I love the mobility of it. I love my knees and body not aching. I weigh every morning but if I am going to shove crap down my throat, why bother? I am a stress eater. I know I am a stress eater. I find that I want to eat most at work or when there is something screwy going on at home. I don’t know what I can do to stop this, well I do but I don’t do it. It is almost like I want to fail and I don’t, I truly don’t.  I don’t want to go back to weighing almost 400 pounds that I once was.  My issues are psychological. I am realizing that I can no longer blame the world for my life problems. I have made them myself. I do not want to fail myself in this surgery. One day at a time. I will keep telling myself that and get back on track. Say a prayer all for me.

I feel like I cannot shove enough food inside of me. I don't feel upset, so I can't say that it is emotional eating but I know that there is no way that I can be hungry and I still eat and eat....until I am stuffed.  I did great all day, I came home from work and made myself some ham and cheese which was pretty good, then a tortilla pizza which was ok and then some rice pops...totaling 400 cals, 45 protein and 12 fats....still, I want more and more...how can that be?  Something is eating at me and I have to get out of the habit of going to food.  I am terrified of going back to the "old ways".  I do not want to be 400 pounds again but I am eating like there is no tomorrow.  What am I doing to myself? Why does it seem like I am sabatoging myself?
I need to step back and think...that is why I am writing this. I am hoping that once I see what I am doing to myself in writing, I will stop.  Like I said, I do not want to go back to being heavy...ever....

And I am not sure how I feel about it. I have 10 pounds to go before I hit goal. I am disappointed in a lot of ways that I am not at goal yet. I should feel good that I am down 190 pounds but I don’t. Well, I should say I do and I don’t. I am not sure that it makes any sense. I am starting to say the “I can have just one cookie and end up eating four or five”. I have done that twice now since last Friday. 2 months ago, I NEVER would have looked at a cookie twice. Sometimes I think I am sabotaging myself. Why would I do that? After yesterday and the cookies, I promised myself that I would get back down to basics. Today is a new day and so far, so good.  I am going to take this journey, second by second, minute by minute and day by day.  I promised myself one year ago this Friday (August 20^th) that it was a new beginning for me and I am renewing that promise to myself today. I am learning to love myself again because I deserve to be loved. For a long time I didn’t believe that but I am….I am worth it. Now, just to stay away from those cookies and carbs, lol.

So, I know that this might not be the place to vent this, but I have to get this out of my system.
My son, who is 25, bought his first new car today. It is a beautiful 2010 dodge challenger.  He went and got the car which I gave him $2000 for a down payment for. His brother gave him $500.  Without us, he had no money for a down payment. SO, he gets the car and where does he go? To his father's house...and took his father and the woman that he left the family for on a car ride in his new car.....the car that I gave him the money to buy.  I am so hurt.  He doesn't think I have a right to be.  I don't want to ride in the car. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to be around him.  I am so pissed.  Do I have a right to feel this way?

I am officially half the person that I once was.  I was as high as 370 pounds last May when I walked into my surgeon's office.
I did want to thank everybody here on the boards who have helped me by just posting.  I have learned so much from all the people here.  I love reading the food posts of what everybody is eating. It has some great ideas.  Nikki, Pam T., Nessa and all of ladies are great role models for me.  Last Friday, I had emergency surgery due to a bowel obstruction.  I knew exactly what it was when I had the pain. It didn't make it less painful (lol), but I knew what I had to do at that time.  So thank you everybody.  I feel like I have lost the 190 pounds with you....which in reality,I have.

Just got home from the hospital today from having a bowel obstruction.  At first I thought it was gas pain, but nothing I did seemed to help it. My fiancee took me/made me go to the emergency room  where they ran tests.  By Friday early evening, I was in the OR getting the bowel fixed. I want to thank Dr. Miehlan and Temple Hospital for all they did for me.  I never want to hurt like that again.  Next time, I will go right away and not second guess all that I have learned here on the board.  Looking back, I can't beleive that I was going "wait and see" if the pain got better.  I just wanted to thank all those people who helped me, made me go to the hospital and to Dr. Meihlan and Temple for saving my life.  I especially want to thank God for all of my blessings......THANK YOU!

there are days (especially when the weight doesn't seem to be coming off) that get depressing. I still want to turn to food.  I am realizing that I have a food addiction.  I will always have a food addiction and I wish I didn't.  I keep telling myself to keep plugging along and eat the right things and that with exercise, the weight will come off.  I am hoping for that at least.

I come to OH to get some hope that my goal will become reality and that one day I will be a "maintenance baby".   People that I have never met have become my heroes and mentors.  The people on OH have helped me more than they will ever know.  I am grateful for all that they have done. I am forever grateful to Dr. Soriano for this gift he gave to me.  Now, all I have to hope for is a "cleaning/organizational/frugality fairy".....or hit the lottery, lol.

On Friday, I had my 9.5 month check up with the surgeon.  I left feeling pretty good about where I was and where I am going.   So far, I am down 176 pounds and I feel pretty good about that most of the time.  There are days though that I don't feel good about it. I am doing all of the things that I am supposed to be doing...keeping track of my food intake, walking, drinking the water but still it is hard to allow myself to beleive that I will ever get to goal.  Dr. Soriano told me that he would like to see me lose another 20 pounds which I think that would be a pretty good goal. I can't help but wonder though if I will ever get there.