Paula E.
How do you begin your story??? It seems like years of heart ache and hell with the battle of the bulge...
I guess I have always battled my weight at different levels but the hardest part has been the last 15 years. It started when I gained weight while being pregnant. I weighed 136 lbs when I got pregnant and weighed 206 lbs when I was about to give birth to my oldest son. I remember having my son and weighing 185 lbs and being so depressed that I had 50 more pounds to lose... That was the beginning of my horrible depression and circle of hell. Being 21 years old and having a bad body image before having my son was my biggest enemy... I probably had post partnum depression but was never treated for it... The more depressed I became the more I ate... I then gained even more weight than when I had my son. Life was unmanageable. I went to Weight Watchers more times than I can count and never had any real success. I would lose about 10 lbs and play with the same weight for literally months. I joined Jenny Craig and spent a ton of money to eat dehydrated, disgusting food and literally lost 2 lbs in 6 weeks... I went to my primary doctor, pleading for help-asking to see a nutritionist or any suggestions because nothing seemed to be working. And all he could say to help was "Obese people should not be wearing those kind of shoes..." This is how my luck ran for years...
Fast forward to 5 years ago...I was determined to lose weight. I overcame my depression with medication and therapy and was really in a good place to lose weight. I became extremely dedicated, motivated, and recognized how I could have been sabotaging myself earlier. I joined WW again and began going to Curves 3x's a week. After 36 weeks, I was still playing with the same 10 lbs and left completely disgusted. At the time, a friend of mine went to have the gastric bypass and I thought...Wow, good for you but I am too afraid to die.
Approximately, 1 year later my mother went in for the gastric bypass and she had some big issues with the breathing tube. This scared the hell out of me and I thought. "My kids would rather have a fat mother than no mother..." Also, a small part of me wanted to lose the weight on my own. I am always in control of most things in my life and saw myself as a failure because I was unable to lose the weight on my own. I decided to go to LA Weight Loss. I lost over 40 lbs and then plateaued for over 5 months. I was happy I lost the weight and wanted to lose more but I would rather stay the same than gain. I continued to go LA and was being weighed 2-3 times a week. I suddenly started gaining the weight back slowly. I immediately called my doctor (different than 5 years ago) and spoke with him about what could be happening. He assured me that I should be happy with my weight loss and not to worry...Well, all the weight came back and more...My highest weight ever recorded was 263!!! I only say this number out loud because I will NEVER weigh that again and it reminds me of how bad it could be. So, I gave up and figured, I have tried everything what's the point.
In August 2005, I went on a family vacation with my husband and 3 children. We were going on a nice, relaxing, walk through some waterfalls in NH. Well, I was walking up this hill and literally thought I was going to have a heart attack. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel it through my chest; I could barely breathe. When I reached the top I had to sit for 20 minutes to calm down. This really scared me and this is when Irealized that I could actually die from being fat. This is when I no longer thought about losing weight to be a certain size or have some magic number on the scale... It was all about feeling healthy and wanting to enjoy simple things in life with my children. There are so many things I've wanted to do and couldn't because it was physically impossible when you are over 250 lbs...
This is when I contacted the Weight Center at UMASS and started the program. Their program is very comprehensive and time consuming. It took me approximately 1 year from the time I called and went through all the program requirements before I had surgery. Here it is 5 months after surgery and I weigh 85 pounds less than I did and every day is a blessing. I have no real "weight loss goal". I have realized that it is better for me not to be fixated on a number. Once I was able to get under 200 pounds, I felt like the sky was the limit and I was in a whole new world from over 15 years. So...I weigh myself 2-3 times a week, I don't really keep track with the exact weight loss except for every couple of weeks. I have been setting small, weird goals like: I wanted to weigh less than my husband. I wanted to go from a 4 hook bra to a 2 hook bra... Lasagna straps for bra straps to spaghetti straps... :-) Every small goal has been accomplished and I am just enjoying each stage that I am on. I am determined to be happy where my body is comfortable being. I don't want to be fixated on some unattainable image... I only know that I have never felt better and this is the best thing I could have ever done for myself.
