pattyg

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Well - whatever is not done - is going to have to wait! It is late Sunday night and I had a busy day getting everything prepared. Went shopping to stock up for my family the next couple weeks. Got all the laundry and yard work done. Wrote letters to the family and talked with Mom about what to expect! I think she is WAY more nervous than I am. I feel so much at peace and I am SO ready for this! I know it will be successful and will be my start at a new life. Here is what I am taking to the hospital - I will let you know what I actually USED when I return! ha-ha

Chapstick
Slippers and easy to get on socks (didn't use - hospital provided)
Pillow
robe (didn't use - just used a second gown in back. Had to many wires!)
Personal hygiene items (soap, shampoo, brush)
Loose clothes and undies (wearing loose clothes there - taking extra undies)
Wet wipes/pre-moistened Kleenex (didn't use - hospital provided)
Antibiotic gel (didn't use)
Back scratcher (didn't use - guess I did not itch as much as some)
Picture of my kids
Insurance card
a little bit of money (didn't use any)
phone numbers for my angel to call
WLS for dummies book (didn't use - but gave to visitors to read!)
Cell Phone
Pen/journal to jot feelings down to update profile with (didn't use - did not feel up to it!)
portable fan (A MUST - used CONSITANTLY)
camera
Program issued binder with all my notes/info in it

Tomorrow I am going to work in the morning. I just have a couple things to get done before I take off and it will help pass the day. In the afternoon I have some people to see to talk about things and make sure we are good! Tomorrow night starts the bowel prep and Lisa my angel will be coming in to spend the evening with me. I also want to take some time for myself to re-read all the words of encouragement I have been sent and to just pray and meditate for a bit before hitting the hay for the night.

WOW - it is hard to believe in that just 48 hours - I will be a POST OP!!

My pre-op testing went Great. The most painful part was writing that check for my out of pocket expenses! I really did not even have any MEDICAL testing - as it has all been done. I will have some blood work Tuesday morning - but other than that I am ready!

Pre-op testing was just seeing the surgeon to go over things. I had to complete a knowledge assessment quiz, sign a jillion forms, tour the hospital and pre-register. Pretty simple - but lots of waiting around.

Today is a heavy protein day and tomorrow is clear liquids. Then report at 5:30 AM on Tuesday and start my new life. I had a feeling of extreme peace come over me lately. I KNOW this is the start of a new life for me - I KNOW God will protect me and watch over me and I KNOW I am going to come through this procedure fine and be on my way to a healthier life come Tuesday.

I also have come to realize that all the trials and all the events over the last year have lead me to THIS time and place. The struggles, the feelings of hopelessness, all the times I thought this would never happen - were just tests of strengths. Tests that I passed and now I am finally getting my reward for that. For whatever reason God had it in his plan that NOW is my time. And I am going to take this opportunity and make him proud.

Well today is a big day. Pre-op day. Have to meet with the surgeon this morning to go over everything. Then over to the hospital for a tour and see the floor where I will be. Also pay them my out of pocket (yuck). But It is ALL worth it. When I think of how much I have spent in diet pills, contraptions, special food, etc...

I am almost kind of "numb" right now. It is so close, but yet still seems so far. It is like there are SO many thoughts and emotions running through my head - that I can not concentrate on one, so I just tune them all out! haha. Not sure if that is making any sense to anyone - but oh well. I guess I should head off to work and then off to the surgeon. I will update when I return!!!

So I finally start telling other people over the last couple days. Not that I did not want others to know - but I did not want to do it too early. It all seems so unreal to me still. I just keep waiting for someone to come wake me up and say "haha - just kidding!"

I got this card today from a good friend of mine who I told a couple days ago! it was so moving to me - I just wanted to keep it here to remember.


GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU ...
It shall be well with you! No matter how
much your enemies try, they will not
succeed. You have been destined to make it.
And you shall surely achieve all your goals.
From now on, all your agonies
will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be
incoming in abundance. Today God has
confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains
because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you.
He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY.
He will never let you down.
I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked
me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said,
Father, please protect and bless my friend in her journey... God smiled and answered...request granted.

A week and a Day. WOW. It seems so surreal to me. My boss is on vacation this week, so I will not see him again until after surgery. We talked Friday and he wished me luck, told me to take it easy and make sure I was ready before I pushed coming back. That was nice and did make me feel a bit more secure. I have only been at this job about 4 months and I love it, so I do not want to jeopardize things. He has been very supportive so far though!

We went out on the boat with my brother and his wife and kids yesterday. I had a bit of trouble getting up the ladder and back onto the boat. I kept imagining myself NEXT year - healthier, able to ski maybe (now my knees won't let me! haha). We did a bit of shopping to and I almost bought a "goal" outfit - a beautiful little black dress. I have always wanted that essential black dress - you know that one! I saw a gorgeous one and I was going to buy a 14, because that would be my ultimate goal size. But I could not let myself do it. I just have other expenses right now and could not see spending that kind of money on something I am not sure will ever fit (or maybe even be to BIG - imagine THAT concept!!).

This week I really need to focus on getting prepared, getting the house in order and set up my area in the living room. I also need to pack my bag, make some food to have on hand when I get home and tend to final arrangements for my kids and the dogs the couple days I am gone. And of course spend hours reading profiles!

Well two weeks to go. Two weeks from right now I will be a loser. Settled in my room - already up and walking and on my way to a better, healthier me. A strange calm has come over me for some reason lately. I am sure the nerves will start back up again closer to the date, but for now I am at peace with this and Know it is my time. I am so ready.

So many thoughts run through my mind - especially when I talk or think of things several months away, like the holidays - or my next birthday (march) or next summer. I just try to picture myself in those settings and it is really hard. it has been SO long that I was of a "normal" size that I have no idea what it is like. I just get a warm and happy feeling, not really a clear picture of it. I can not wait for this time next year when I can post my before and after shots and finally see the real me.

Well - all the major hurdles have been crossed. I was quite worried about what my out of pocket would be and where I would come up with it and it all worked itself out yesterday - so in 19 days I will be a LOSER!!

I have been spending LOTS of time reading profiles and looking at before and after pictures. Some people have had just the most AMAZING journeys! It is just SO hard to imagine myself not obese. Funny thing is - sometimes I look at pictures and think - wow, she looks great - if only I can look like that! Then I notice that their current weight is about what I am now! (yes, I am a lightweight! haha) But they have STILL come so far and just have a beautiful glow of happiness.

I have been doing a lot of praying and positive thinking and I have a peace in my heart. I know that this is my time and life will finally begin for me. Thanks to everyone who has supported me and given me so much support and encouragement to keep pressing on. God has lead me to this moment and this time and given me the wings to fly. I will not let him down.

This week has been playing heck with my emotions. I read a LOT of profiles and I am glad to know it is normal. I go back and forth between - OMG, what if I die and OMG, I am going to be a loser! I just truly can not believe this is happening. I have waited So long and here we are - just 3 short weeks away from the beginning of my new life.

I had a visit with my PCP today and she is really excited for me to. Her and her staff did SO much to make this a reality, and I am truly grateful to them. She and I talked about things and she put some things in perspective for me.

Next stop - final preop meeting with nutritionist, then final preop meeting with surgeon and on to my Big day.

Happy Independence Day! At the beginning of this year when I knew things were not going to happen with my old insurance company - I had planned to be in today and on the operating table tomorrow for my RNY. Funny how God works in mysterious ways - huh??

Speaking of - I was in church Sunday by myself (my parents have my kids in Chicago this weekend) and I really got a chance to listen to the sermon. It was great. Really hit me hard that God's will be done - whatever his will may be. I Truly believe now that THIS is my time! Not last year, not early this year - but NOW, for whatever reason. Sure I am nervous and scared, but it is all happening so fast now. In just 29 short days I will be POST-OP!!!

I have spent quite a bit of today making my goals. Something I did before but on one frustrating day not to long ago -I trashed EVERYTHING I had regarding this surgery because it did not seem like a possibility.

We also had a "party" for a girl at work with pizza and cake. For some reason I was SO self conscious today. thought everyone was watching me eat and I just could not get comfortable in my chair. I looked around and saw all these skinny girls in their pretty shoes and dresses and here I am in a big old frock trying to cover every piece of skin I possibly can. I can finally let myself dream that eventually that could be me. Why not - I deserve it!!