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I'm very excited! I have now lost more than 100 pounds and I feel pretty much like a million bucks. I love my new outlook. i am healthy and this surgery has meant everthing to me. I have no regrets. i wish I could be healthier in my mind about how i look and the loose skin, but i know it's not unhealthy flab, just skin. that is a mind trip though.

i can sit now and look down and actualy see my hoo-hoo! i love that. i hated being so disconnected from my sexuality for so long. i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. i don't eat sugar, but i do "cheat" when i have not eaten a whole lot, which is minimal. i don't drink and i don't smoke. i am most proud o running. i run 5 miles at a time. i can't do it everday, but i wish i could. i am also pretty proud of my strong arms. i dont over-inflate my ego about this stuff, it's just that these are things i couldn't do before now.

i do have struggles with insomnia. i think partly it is because i love coffee way too much, though i'e switched to decaf at night. but it could also be all the extra energy i have. i just don't NEED to sleep as much. i am now in therapy for body issues, though, but this is stuff I think i needed to work on long before gastric bypass even - it's helping me a lot. i do have twinges of anxiety. i think the social adjustments are probably to blame. know who your friends are... because one thing this surgery will unexpectedly teach you is who your friends ain't.

i am a size 5/6 now. i don't stress about being a size 2,3,4 because honestly, that's just not my thing. i prefer to knwo i can do a pull-up and i can run run run...

i have a boyriend who also runs. he does half marathons and is British. hehe! he and i both love music and we often joke about going on tour in an old gypsy caravan & performing variety show acts. he's a total cat man, while i am a chihuahua girl. he has seen me through some really difficult times over the last 4 months and it has brought us so much closer. i can't wait until he is in my life all the time.

i'm still updating my youtube channel though with less frequency. it's true that once you lose this weight, you are so busy enjoying life and all your newfound shopping and running that obesity help seems to take a back seat. i wish i was more active here sometimes, but i tend to be pretty heavy handed with opinions... which can get me into trouble.

i eat a lot of chicken and oatmeal, salads and grilled chicken breast with salsa. i also eat cheese & for the most pat stay completely away from sugar, ice cream, fast food and anything laden with fat or grease. i can't eat chips really, ecept baked ones, or i'll dump- and dumping makes me feel awful. so i guess that's a good thing.

i wish more than anything i could have a tummy tuck, but i am going to wait to even consider that until i am a few years out. when i stand my tumy is not too bad and even better if i wear a tight shirt. but when i sit, it's a little poochy. oh well. you can see from my pictures i look prety tiny and i am fine with it. most people walk past me now without knowing me.

i LOVE THAT.

and of course, there is all kindsof silly attention from men who would have otherwise overlookd me a year ago. pfft. i am beyond all that though. i have the attention of a gorgeous little british man who spoils me rotten and would do anything for me - so who really cares? the best thing about learning who i am and developing my new outlook has got to be how i can take care of ME though. when i met my boyfriend, i realized i loved him beause he enhanced an already independent life i was leading. i don't need him, nor does he need me- but we like how we taste as a couple! flavor enhanced! haha.

i love you guys. keep up the good fight!
you can always email me [paperballet at gmail dot com] if i am not around.

Kelly-

now a new life of maintenance!

i am So tired everyday. i can't stand this much longer. also, i gained a whole pound. i am NOT EATING much at al... it sucks. i wanna be healthy. i feel like i am unhealthy and going to get worse. it sucks. man, i am not having a good week. :(

stats:

starting BMI - 43.3
current BMI - 32

starting body fat% - 50
current body fat% - 39

weight - down 47 pounds since surgery
weight - down 68 since pre-op

starting pants size: 24
current pants size: 14

starting shirt size: 24/26 [XXXL, 3XL]
current shirt size: 14/16 [L/XL]

waist - down 6 inches
thighs - down 5 inches [per thigh]
chest - down 10 inches
hips - down 9 inches
biceps - down 2 inches
ankles - down 1 inch each ankle

shoe size -down 1.5 sizes [from a 9.5 to an 8]

pre-op weight: 260 -------[Jan 17, 2011]
Day of surgery: 239 ------[Apri 19, 2011]
Current weight: 192 ------[July 17, 2011]

before 250s?



current: 190s

i am down to 194 today. i played "fashion show" with myself, my iphone and my mirror when i had insomnia tonight! my friend gave me some awesome clothes and i cannot believe how CLOSE i am to fitting into a size 12. i am doing fabulous in that arena. the SIzES just keep melting off. sometimes when i weigh myself and i have a big loss week, like this week was 6 pounds [!!!!!] i am just in tears on that scale. i know it's silly, but i just thought it might not work for me. and here it is WORKING and i feel so amazing. i can do more than three "events" in a weekend now. i swim with friends. i walk. i go out and have dinner. i shop! it's a wonderful life.

i love my new pink hair. it gives me confidence like my tattoos do. i am not sure why, it's not really about standing out. i think it's about not being afraid of facing joy and color and my humanity! i wear a lot of color now. yellow... pink, stripes! who would have thunk it? a fat girl in stripes? haha.

i have a good couple of friends who are weight loss surgery "survivors" and it's so nice to be able to text someone and go "GIRL... now how did you do this?!" and to have a friend who writes me back and says "oh just WAIT..." haha. it's so awesome. i love that about the community. we all go through something nobody else understands and i derive GREAT strength from it. [whoo. my nails are so long right now it's hard to type! my little sublingual i take [b12 and biotin] i think make my hair and nails grow something crazy.]

i have had some issues with being tired this week, but i managed to be outside in 102 degree heat setting up my booth for my art on the town square... and PLUS work it from 4-8:40pm in that heat without freaking dying! that was so great. now, i am not gonna lie, heat makes me crazy at first, but after i was out there, i settled down. my body got into a groove and i started to relax and i think that helped. for many years my blood pressure would get so high when i was hot, that i think now i just psych myself out about it. i am learning to LET GO of the old me. it's difficult, but i know i can overcome!

my arms have some flippy flappy underneath, but i am going to start swimming again when the doc says it's okay... i know that will tighten it all up. i am not sure about my loose thighs. haha! they are hilarious. but you know, i am not going to shy away from my shorty shorts and my cute panties over some loose skin. hell, it's just me around here and i am the ONLY one looking at my naked self. so what right??

my daughter hugged me and said "mom, now we make a complete hug" the other day, and i cried. she is such a good kid. there is a kanye west song i love, but she asks me to change it because of the F-word in it. haha. i dunno how i raised a good girl, but i sure did!

i am trying to keep it simple and be healthy. i will admit i don't eat like i should. not junk food, but just, not eating. i keep thinking my appetite will slowly come back, but right now, i am eating less than ever. i am lucky to eat one meal a day. i do supplement and i am honestly doing all my vitamins and i still MOVE, but i am tired more than i should be. if i were eating more, i know that wouldn't be an issue as much.

i have not allowed myself a trip to Victoria's Secret, but i think it is in my future. when i am below my lowest weight [179] that i can remember in my adult life... maybe that will be a good reward! i do need new panties though!! but VS is kinda spendy and i am an artist, by choice [so no complaints] but it's not a wealthy man's game. at least not yet!

i am excited for myself right now. i looked in the mirror tonight and i said "girl, you are looking good and don't let anyone take this away from you... not even YOURSELF!" a friend told me tonight in an email that she has learned to celebrate happiness and joy, not be defined by sadness and pain. i loved that. it's so true. i think of all my little demons inside and out, the struggle to DEFINE myself as a happy, funny, intelligent and creative woman is by FAR the biggest lifelong goal i foresee.

i wish you all nothing but health and happiness.

my confidence is materializing and i am overjoyed with how good it feels to finally say "i am WORTH it."

this surgery made me lose a lot, and FAST... so right now i think my goal is to accept that i *am* worth it, i *am* strong and i do NOT have to fail just because my stupid brain thinks self-sabotage is familiar and easy. **I** create my destiny and my outcomes, not something beyond me. **I** make myself into the person i wanna be.

(and yes, it is scary. yes, it feels strange and at times, i think "who do you think YOU are, getting all skinny?")

and you know what? i just have to stop and say:

**I** WAS THE FAT GIRL FOR 30 YEARS!!!
**I** AM THE WOMAN WHO JUST FIGURED OUT I WAS BETTER THAN THAT!!

boom, right?

i am at week 11!!! [almost in 2 days]

i have lost a total of 63 pounds since February and 44 pounds since April 19th!!! HOLY SHIT.

i hardly recognize my legs right now. they are so tiny to me. too bad my boobs are STILL gigant-a-mous. oh well. win some lose some. literally! i am so happy i have hit this -63 pounds... i am now under 50 pounds to lose!!!! i dunno if i will hit 150 within this calendar year, but i hope so. i would LOVE to be 175 by paisley's birthday on the 28th of august. that would take me to my high school [tenth grade] weight! oh yes.

i dyed my hair pink and i am now officialy in the 190s. i cannot believe it. it has been TOO long. i know i am FAR from skinny, but i feel so awesome it doesn't mater to me. i feel cute and stuff!!

xox

i am so excited to say that iam in the one hundreddddsssss. yo!! you guys hafta know how special that feels. im gonna be honest, i am tired a lot lately, but they found out i have some major issues with my body not hanging on to potassium. as SOON as they figure all this out, i am on my way to health!

i gotta show you some pictures... get ready.

love you all!




yussss!! i am winning!

well, on tuesday it will be one month since my surgery and i have only lost 17 pounds. i'm pretty upset right now. sometimes i wanna cry, but i just keep telling myself that every body is different. my body may not like this stravation stuff. i'm also 36, so i might have a much slower metabolism too, especially from being a chronic dieter for most of my life.

right now, i eat mostly meat. chicken, beans and occasional beef, but not much. i drink decaf tea and i have my nonfat sugar free latte in the morning, which is great. i feel the effects of caffiene a lot more now and i can pretty much run/go all day long. i do have an afternoon crash, but i am still not scheduled for my potassium check with an endocrinologist. kinda bummed about that, because my potassium was so low at surgery time.

i wake up at 6am [something i have never done in my life] and i go to bed at 9-10pm. i stayed up until 11pm last night and i thought i wasn't going to make the drive home!

i know i can tell in my clothes and how i feel that this surgery was worth it. but i do not like these long stalls in weight loss. especially when i am working so hard to lose the weight. i am moving all day long. it just seems like being stuck between 220 and 222 is kind of a tease. i want to be in the 2-teens already!

i know we as patients want the weight to fly off. it's hard to see immediate gratification pictures and try and realize those pictures took a year in the making, sometimes a lot longer... i just keep trying to focus on doing my personal best and know that i am doing what i am supposed to do. i will not obsess over working out. i did that, three hours a day nearly, for 6 months and i learned two things: to HATE exercise *and* myself.

when i eat out it's always chicken, grilled. i did have four baby chicken nuggets at chick fila and it wasn't the best. breading and grease are no-nos for my tummy. even in teensy amounts. i struggle a lot with fluids and nausea- mainly because i still can't eat very much and so i am eating 5 times a day. so trying to wait 30 minutes before and after to drink so i don't vomit... yeah. WHEN am i supposed to drink??? i'm good about working in sips and my water bottle has become a good friend.

i have something wrong with my shoulder and so it hurts when i lift my arm over my head or rotate it. i hope i didn't mess it up doing yoga.

i guess i should post some non-scale victories:

1. i can drive without my tummy hitting the steering wheel.
2. i have gone from a 22/24 to an 18/20.
3. i have lost a total of 38 lbs since Feb. 2011.
4. i have the energy of a 25 year old now.
5. my concentration, depression and anxiety are all VERY much improved.
6. i'm starting to laugh a lot more. i'm overall, much more confident and talkative.
7. i'm walking my dogs everyday. [and walking myself, lol]
8. taking better care of myself in general. wearing makeup, better fashion, sporting heels.
9. i've started a social calendar. i have something i do every week, and usually every day.
10. my scars are so tiny and have healed amazingly well. no infections. no complications.
11. my daughter and i laugh a lot more. i enjoy her more. i enjoy everything more.
12. i don't take naps. even on as few as 250 calories some days- i still have energy until bedtime.
13. besides eating meat, which i am not proud of, i have not smoked in 4 months and i quit drinking... so i am very proud of my health overall.
14. my blood pressure is very normal to low normal now. in ONE month... and minus a bp pill, to boot!

so there is a LOT. i need to take the time this week while my daughter is with her dad to really focus on my PLAN. getting my vitamins and pills into an organizer. packing up food for the day in a cooler. setting timers to take meds and eat. seeking out more support... and basically getting my mind wrapped around how i have to live now.

probably going to add in weight training to break this weight loss stall.







































me, lookin purpley!