OFA2012

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I keep weighing myself and thinking I cannot believe I am here.  While I am only down to 181, I am fitting into all of the size 16 clothes I wore when I was feeling quite pretty in my mid-30s and I weigh less than I did on my wedding day!!  That just blows me away!!  It is  so different, though, because my body is shaped so differently than it was then (my fat is in different places).  I actually like my shape better now than I did then (and looking back at pictures I am positive about that!!!)!

I do get a bit discouraged when I only lose 1-2 lbs per week because my goal now is to lose 10 lbs/month but I try not to get depressed because in the real world, when I was at Weight Watchers, I would be considered a huge success if I maintained a 1-2 lb/wk weight loss.  I guess having this surgery makes you feel a bit spoiled with the weight loss so watching it slow down is a bummer!  I want to lose the next 60 by Christmas!!  :)

Best part about losing slowly is that I am still actually losing!!!  First of all, I have never lost 58 lbs on my own before!  Secondly, whenever I had a plateau, I would gain weight back.  The only time I "gain" now is during my period and that always goes away when my period is over!!  This is the first time in 20+ years that I have not gained weight in four months!!  That is saying something!!

I am getting a bit nervous about what will happen when I am done losing weight.  I am about halfway there and I know my goal weight is pretty ambitious so I know I will be close to my ending weight pretty soon.  I have read soo many times about people who have this surgery gaining weight back over time.  That will just devastate me!!  I am soo done with being fat!  I want to be a thin mom and wife.  When my kids go through a list of people they know who could be on the biggest loser (our favorite show), I don't want to be included on the list!  I mean they STILL don't even notice my weight loss!!  I still have people in my life who haven't noticed my weight loss!  What is that??  I have lost almost 60 lbs!!!

But I digress...

I am hoping I can start exercising more.  I joined this club that I really love - very family friendly.  But I HATE going to the classes!!  They are just too hard!  I don't eat much anymore so I feel pretty weak and just don't have the energy to do those classes.  I need to start working on that tho!!  I don't want to end up with so much loose skin and my legs and arms are pretty jiggly!!!

My next goal is to lose about 15 more lbs before Christmas.  I am going to visit family who haven't seen me in a year so they will be totally shocked!!  Thanksgiving too I will see family that haven't seen me in a year!!  I love that shocked look people get when they see me!!  It makes me feel like I have really accomplished something!  Losing weight is hard to do - even people who don't have to lose weight understand how hard it is to do so seeing something have dramatic weight loss like what I've experienced is pretty exciting.  By Christmas, my family will see me about 75 lbs lighter!  That is insane!!  And the best part is they have NO IDEA I've been losing so the shock will be even bigger!!!!!  I mean I could be wearing a 12 by Christmas!!  A 12!!!!!!!!!!

My ultimate goal is to be 120 by my 1 yr anniversay - 6/7/12!  If I could be 120, that means that for the first time in my life I could enjoy the summer in sleeveless shirts, bathing suits, shorts and skirts!!!  I could be comfortable in the heat and enjoy wearing summer clothes!!!!  That would be a gift!  I hate summer for those reasons alone!  I love the idea that I could spend the warm months wearing actual pretty, summer clothes!!!!!

So, every day I get on the scale, I am in amazement!  Funny story - so I try on clothes every few weeks to see what old thing I own that used to be too small now fits.  I LOVE this game!!  Even when something is still too small, I get the biggest kick out of seeing it be closer and closer to fitting each time I try it on!  I've owned this pink, Spring dress for probably 10 years and have NEVER worn it.  My daughter was hoping I could wear it to her First Holy Communion two years ago but I never got down enough weight.  I have been trying it on every few weeks since the surgery.  Yesterday, it FIT!!!!!!  Unbelieveable!!  I showed it to my daughter (who still swears she can't tell I've lost any weight even though I am almost half way to my goal).  She was just upset I couldn't wear it to her Communion!  Anyway - it is still fun!

So, I tried on a few summer dresses that I had worn on a cruise about 11 years ago.  They are just these long flowy pretty dresses.  When I wore them last I was in the 180s and feeling pretty good.  (That makes me laugh now thinking I still want to lose 60 more lbs.) My weight was in different places (more boobs, less hips) but the dress fit nicely.  Well I put it on yesterday thinking it would still be snug in the hips (since I am having THE hardest time losing weight there this time) and wouldn't you know it - the dress was LOOSE on me!!!  It blew my mind!!  I said to myself "Wow!  Last time I wore this dress I was in the 180s - I can't believe it fits now!!"  And then it hit me - I am in the 180s NOW!!!  It is like I didn't believe I was in the 180s or had forgotten!!  Of course the dress fit - I am about the same weight I was on that cruise!

That really kind of turned it around for me.  I have been losing but kept thinking about how in 2000 I was in the 180s and feeling pretty decent about myself.  I knew I needed to lose more but I was not unhappy!  And here I am, FINALLY back at that weight!!!  With no plans of stopping here!!!  It feels soo good!  I am just so worried it is going to slow down before I lose much more!  I know they say the first 4-5 months or so you are losing a lot and I have been.  After 3.5 months I've lost 52+ lbs.  That is like what - 16-17lb/month average?  I could live with that!!  If I could average another 17lb month for the next 3 months I would be 136 with only 16 lbs remaining to reach my goal!!!!!!!

I can't even fathom that!!  120!  I have never even come close to that number as an adult!  Closest I've been was around 148ish in my 20s.  I know I will be happy in the 140s but I really want to get down to my ideal - just to see what it feels like.  To see if I can live like that.  If I can't then I'll be ok with anything under 145.  That is my absolute upper number.  And just saying that - I am only 40+ lbs away from THAT number!!!  Holy mackeral!!!!  I've already lost more weight than that!!!

Now, here's the only thing that makes this not so fun.  I can't eat food without vomiting!  I vomit every day!  I vomit multiple times a day!!!  It is my dirty little secret that I need to fix - FAST!!!  It is making me very depressed.  It's not like bulimia where I make myself throw up to purge.  The food feels like it gets stuck and there is no place for it to go but back out where it came.  No matter how long I sit and wait for it to go down, it won't.  Sometimes I can eat and it is fine - SOMETIMES!!  But it happens when I am only drinking too.  I've heard people say I may have an esphageal stricture so my doctor is going to do a procedure next week.  Hopefully I have that because it is easily treated and the problem goes away.  I can't even imagine living the rest of my life like this!!  I used to vomit a lot after I had the band.  For 5 years I vomited at least 7-10 times/week.  But then the Dr removed all the fluid from the band and I was free!!  I could eat or drink anything and no vomiting!!!  It was such a relief!!!  I pray I can figure this out!  The nurse in the office keeps telling me it is what I am eating or how much I am eating or how I am eating it.  BULLSHIT!!!!!  If it happens when I drink 2 sips of milk or one sip of juice while swallowing my pill then it is NOT MY FAULT!!!!

Plus, I am begining to worry how this is effecting my nutrition.  I mean I barely get enough protein as it is - but throwing up pretty much everything I put in my mouth makes it hard to take in any nutrients.  Plus, what is it doing to my throat and teeth????  RIght now my throat hurts soo bad.  I just pray it is a cold and not my vomiting!!!

So, to end on a happy note - I am officially NOT in plus size clothing now!!  I wore size 16 Calvin Klein jeans yesterday!!  They were old school jeans that went up to my waist so they were NOT comfy but they fit!!  In fact, they were pretty loose in the but and leg!!  VICTORY!!!!  While size 16 does not thrill me (it still seems like a pretty big girl size to me) - the thought of being a 2 or 3x just a year ago and now being a size 16 is just soooo thrilling!!!!  If I could be 160 by Christmas when I see my dad and brother and inlaws - they will just drop dead!!!  :)  That is my goal!!  Plus, we're going to California where I am hoping it will be warm enough to wear a swim suit and I can actually wear one and not be embarassed for the first time EVER!!!!  Plus, I KNOW my dad has always secretly had a BIG problem with my weight so it will be kinda neat to have him see me at such a smaller size in comparison to the last time he saw me!!  I mean at 160 I would be wearing a 10 or a 12!!  That will blow them away!!!!

And it is really the little stuff that is just so fun.  Having dresses that fit for any occasion that comes up - no panic runs to the mall looking for something to wear.  Or having a bunch of choices of clothes to wear in the morning because SO much fits!!!!  I mean even my shoes fit looser!!!!

This is soo fun!!!

I mean OMG!!  It has been so long since I have been in the 100s that I cannot even remember when it was!!

I think it must have been somewhere around 1999 or 2000 - making it 11+ years since I have been this weight or less!  YIKES!!  I spent about 3-5 days hovering around 200 and it almost drove me NUTS!  :)  I was soo desperate to see that number begin with a one that I was weighing myself 3-4 times/day!!!!  When it finally got to 199.9 on Saturday I about started to cry!!  

Without WLS I know that whenever I had these mini-plateaus I would have quit!  I know it!!  I have had multiple times when no matter what I did the scale just wouldn't move.  I was doing everything right but NOTHING!  I mean since Aug 1st, I have only lost about 8-10lbs which considering it is only my 3rd month since I had the surgery, I feel like I should have still been losing at a faster rate.  Nonetheless, I thank GOD for this surgery tool because sure enough, the weight would start to come off after a few days and I just keep losing weight!!  I am at around 42lbs weight loss now!!  I haven't lost that much weight on one diet EVER!!!!!

It just makes me feel so proud!  I don't feel like I have to be invisible anymore!  Instead of hiding my head, I hold it up high!  And funny thing is - I know I am nowhere near skinny yet but I feel SOOO great with these 42lbs off that it just excites me at the thought of how I will feel when I've lost another 40 and then the last 40!!!  I am one/third of the way to my goal!!!  SERIOUSLY!!!

This past weekend I signed up for a workout membership.  I wouldn't even have dreamed of going in a gym 42lbs heavier!  I hated being in public, really!!  But now I feel like I can not only go to this gym but workout with my friends who also belong there and not feel like a loser!  And, I think I may even be able to keep up with them!!

So, YEAH ME!!!!!!  I did it!!!!  :)

My next big number is quite a ways away - 139.  That is a number I haven't seen since I began paying attention to weight.  I imagine I weighed in the 130s in high school but I never weighed myself that I can remember so I am not sure.  In my 20s I know I got down to the low 140s but I was bulimic and never worked out so I have to imagine I will be more lean this time around at that weight because of all the exercise I am doing.

Either way - when I hit 139 I will be simply GIDDY!!!  Plus, at that point I will only be 19lbs away from my goal of 120.  I have always said I will see how I feel when I get that low - 120 may be too small.  But what a problem to have.  To hear just once "Hey girl, you need to gain some weight - you are too skinny!"  WOW!!  I have heard former WLS patients say people tell them that.  But, I have a theory about that.  Sometimes, I think it is simply the people in our lives who have seen us big for so many years that seeing us at a low weight is just soo jarring.  But, if a stranger saw us - I bet they would not have the same "you're too skinny reaction".  My only reason for thinking that is because the BMI charts say someone my height would be comfortably in the healthy range at 120 but when I tell people that number they think "WAY TOO SKINNY"!  We'll see!  Best part is, tho, for the first time in EVER I actually believe I WILL GET THERE!!!!!

139, 120 - here I come!!!