nicpol
Well I am not sure where to start really...... I am on here just like everyone else who is over weight or not happy with there current body!
I grew up in the country Australia....now currently living in sydney. I have never been happy with my body, from my first memory I can always remember being insecure about my body, living in a family of relatively slight siblings and parents. I was first born to a sport fanatic father and a model mother, both were 23 when they had me. I came out a lovely "healthy" happy placid baby. my sister's both stick creatures.....even to this day. I how ever battled my whole teenage and foramtive years being told not to eat that, exercise more, your really should be more active etc etc..... my mother suffered serve post natal depression after having me and I truely believe that we never really bonded. She resented me for many years for destroying what was a once flawless body and seemingly happy marriage. I was told continusly that I was fat, ugly and no one would ever want me.......hmmm destructive so what is a teenage girl to do but develop an eatting disorder...... food was my comfort, it made me feel better when everyone else made me feel bad. And so my love/hate affair with food began. By year 8 my parents had three loevly girls...one being me and there marriage was on the rocks, to say the least. I stopped eatting....the hate side of my food affair. This lasted for months...until ppl namingly loving friends who picked up on my bizzar...to non existant eatting habbits, reported me to the school counsellor. I was swiftly called into his office with my mother present and dressed down, told I was a big girl thats the way it was and nothing I could do would change that "so STOP this stupid behaviour at once, maybe you could run more...." amongst other things that were said to me. I was then taken to a family friend who was a child psychologist. My mother again present in the room with me they procceeded to talk about 'my behaviours' whilst I was in the room.....it was almost as if I wasn't there, neither talking to me. When I was asked to talk about my 'behaviours' I choose to say nothing. Instead I stayed quiet, but on the inside I wanted to scream. I should let you know I was 14 years old 181cm tall and roughly 70kg's so very good size for my height, however after years of abusive and destructive words about my weight, I believed them! Could you blame? I look back now and see how silly I was but that was really the beginning. I was sent to Boarding school (parent's relationship non existant but they are still living under the same roof....just), I was gald in all honesty to be rid of them. I was now 90kg's and 16. I got to the school with all these attractive small girls. It was just my weight that bothered me now but my height. So I exercised, well it is what they told me to do right? and I did 2 hour runs, weight training and fitness circuits with the rowers.....my uniform was becoming a sack on me but I could not see that. I just wanted so bad to fit in now back to my 75kg all in 4 months. Well I had all the attention but not the kind I wanted......yep you guessed it the school counsellor, and school doctor. But this time there was NO parentals to tell my story. Just me................ and of course I did what I do best DENY DENY DENY. It was out motto at school, well in the boarding school.... DENY DENY DENY, and remember you can always run faster than a supervisor! I added that in cause I thought it may make you smile. Your wondering what happened right? Well they "closely monitored me", until that is they lost interest and I continued.....but just maintained my weight with my strict regim which lasted to the end of my HSC final year of high school. Other girls were most forth coming in giving sharing advise on weight loss techniques, from vomiting, no eatting, laxattives....the list was endless. I even had a demonstration on how to vomit without being heard in our communal bathrooms, that were very echoy.
I finished school great marks, deferred Uni, and had a Gap year. This is when my love affair with food began again, and alcohol. I ballooned to 110kg's in two years. I came homes ashamed and embarrassed. Started Uni and continued to eat, not eat and eat vomit the cycle was endless and destructive.... until I meet someone yes a boy, well man! And i was smitten arghhhh. But I was and still am too overweight now at 130kg to pursue a relationship with him. Last year in december I had gastric banding done, but it failed to do its job and after 10 months of telling my doctor something is not right, he finnally admitted that i had a hole in my band, and gave me three options....a new band, the sleeve, or gastric bypass. And after mush thought and consideration I have choosen to go down the route of Gastric bypass. I am booked in for the 9th of Feb 2009. Sigh..... I will add I did loose about 20 kgs with the band in the first 3 months but then put it all back on and more...... NOT impressed as I have expressed rather directly to my surgeon. I found being direct and firm was what I needed to do for him to listen to me. So I am now waiting my surgery, hurry up feb :)
I want to be happy, happy with my body with myself..... I know that surgery is not going to give me that but my new lifestyle and the support of my friends, sisters, doctors my 'man friend' I know that I will achieve my goal. My parents are now divorced "Thank God", and both respectively re partnered, my sisters are still slight one 16 and drop dead gorgeous and the other 25 and stunning. And I am 27 130kg's, but I know under all the "insulation on my body" there is a gorgeous, stunning diva waiting and I know that 2009 is my year to SHINE. And trust me Shine I will.
So I am looking for friends to share my Journey with, tips, ideas, what to expect....but most of all someone else who is also walking the same journey as me. So is you want a loyal, buddy....I am here and waiting with little hand held weights, an ipod and a smile. Would love to hear from you
Yours truley
nicole
