Nikki B.

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but the truth really is that the journey of a million miles begin with a foot on a scale...

Oh yeah, I came up with that quote on my own! :)

I'm down 2 pounds (a grand total of 10 since the end of March.) If you're a fat kid, you totally know what a HUGE deal that is.

I've cut out some things to drop that weight (the whopping 2 pounds, lol)...I recently gave up pop (I was a big time Diet Coke-aholic. I've also been portion conscience. I have disappointed myself a bit. I went Carb crazy a couple times here and there and I ordered extra sour cream at Chipotle.

I went for my first D & E (diet and excercise) check up last week. The doctor and I spoke to what I have been doing throughout the last month and other ways to eat healthier and lose weight. He suggested that I eat breakfast (I had been doing Slim Fast for breakfast and lunch), either by having a Jimmy Dean diet breakfast sandwich or a Slim Fast around 8am. Around 10:30 eat something with protien like string cheese and some fruit or some cottage cheese (which is soooo gross). At 12:30 eat a lean cuisine. Around 3, he suggested eating a protein bar. I purchased the Zone Protein bars. (He suggested Zone and South Beach.) He said a regular dinner with no after dinner snacks. Protein, protein, protein.

He also wants me to walk a half hour a day. Well, this weekend I bought the Nike Air Max Moto + 6 to start walking in. They were 80 bucks. That is the most I've ever spent on shoes before. They had better be worth it! :) Today I walked for the first time. I thought an hour had passed as I was wheezing and I looked at my watch...10 minutes had passed. I walked around both buildings and down our long driveway where I live. I nearly died. I was so out of breath. I did walk just over a half mile...and I can't say it enough, but that is such an accomplishment for me.

Today was my first appointment with my sleep doctor. It was supposed to be 2 hours long. I scheduled it for 9 am, but it lasted till 9:15. What a rip off. My sleep study is scheduled for 7/12. I have three other appointments that day, so that'll be awesome. I wonder though, when I go for this sleep study, it's SO not accurate. My husband's not there, and they expect me to sleep from 8:30-6am. I don't go to bed till like 11:30, and sleep till 7:30. I can go to bed an hour earlier, I guess, but 3 hours makes a huuuuge difference. I think I am going to force myself awake that day before at like 5 or something.

Okay, I knew going into this whole thing, it wasn't going to be cheap. My first appointment I put $200 down on the $1650 program costs that the insurance wouldn't cover. But when we met with the finance lady, she also reviewed the cost of the Optifast program I'll have to be on 3-6 weeks prior to the surgery. The cost of the Optifast will be around $860 bucks.

I received a statement from my hospital saying the initial appointment was $372.35! Granted, that's not what I'll wind up having to pay after the insurance picks it up, but still. Frickin' INSANE!

I'm also feeling very overwhelmed about all the paperwork I received in the mail. The packet included a list of my pre-set appointments, a list of all the testing I'll need to have prior to surgery, the doctor's "orders", as well as some paperwork I need to take for my Psych. Evaluation. I laid out all of the package--which was around like 5 million pages and tried to make sense of it. I was feeling so confused that J came to the rescue! He helped me figure out what went with what. We figured out which appointments were pre-set, which appointments I'd have to set, and which appointments were pre-requisites to other appointments. Oh, and which appointments were my diet and exercise appointments. There's 12 total appointments (some of which are just initial consultations).

Today was my day off at work. I made a list of all of my pre-sets and called and scheduled 4 other appointments. I decided to run into work for a minute to give my crazy long list to the girl that does our scheduling. I told her about a week or so ago that this day would be coming, and she was very supportive. Without revealing too much about me, I work in a business that requires 2 different departments. There's about 5 on one side and 3 on the other. Unfortunately for scheduling purposes, I'm on the side with 3. Not only that, but I'm the only one in the whole place that can do both jobs. So when the one side is short-staffed, I float on over and help them out. That sucks for me, because my current job description is sales, so helping them cuts out of my money in my pocket. Anyway, that's not the issue at hand. I went to talk to my scheduler and she was able to fit in all my requests off and I was able to use them as my regular day off for the most part! I still have 19 PTO days this year, so I'm glad I didn't have to dip into them too, too much. Only a couple days. I'm so lucky that we were able to work it out.

Aside from that, I'm struggling with a few different things--how to tell my in laws that I know that they know, how to tell our friends, and finally, the diet itself. During weekdays, I'm doing okay--if only I could get J to eat dinner at a regular time each night. Weekends are the hard part. We mainly dine out. I just have to figure out a way to be good! The last thing I'm having a hard time dealing with is that I am really feeling unsexy. My husband and I used to have sex a lot. Now we're lucky if we have sex once a week. We've been married for 5 years now, but this has been a recent development. I offer to have sex and he turns me down. Or he'll want to have sex right when I'm making dinner, or when I'm busy with something--never when it's "bed time." He hasn't been coming to bed with me lately either--which I think is the real reason we're not having sex that often. I don't know how to fix it, but I wish I could figure out what the problem is.

Okay, okay...it doesn't. It does say 'ERR' though. Gross. I bought that scale when I was around 385. It worked then. I'm disappointed. That was a couple years ago. I'm determined to be able to read my weight on that by August 1. I know it's like only 12 pounds, but I've honestly never lost weight before, so 12 pounds is HUGE.

That brings me to my plan I started today. Last night, at Walmart, I bought 2-6 packs of Slim Fast (chocolate and strawberry varieties). I never had them before, but I remembered commercials saying that you were supposed to replace breakfast and lunch with the shakes and eat a reasonable meal.

This morning I woke up and prayed I could make it. When I got to work I opened up a strawberry shake and was blown away with how yummy it was. I sipped on it until around 1. At 2, I took my lunch and continued drinking that until around 4. I wasn't thinking about dinner at all! Then it dawned on me--tonight was my late night at work (between 1-1.5 hours longer than normal). Once I thought that, dinner was all I could think about. I wonder if I'm the only person out there who is always thinking about what I'm going to eat next?

A week ago tomorrow, I visited my surgeon. Going in to this thing, I thought that I was a "mindless eater," but after the realization that I was fantasizing about my next meal, I think there is more to my issues than what I thought! Uh oh!

When I made the decision that I was interested in having my surgery, I decided I would also try keeping it a secret from all the people in my life that I possibly could--because, as you know, I am absolutely terrified of failing. I only told my husband and my aunt that I was considering surgery prior to the mandatory seminar.

Stupidly though, I did put a prayer request on Facebook. A few days after my surgery, my brother asked me what was up. I tried to avoid the question, but he talked me in to it. Surprisingly though, he was very encouraging. He is in the middle of nursing school and he sort of "gets" the benefits of my having the surgery. I asked that he kept it a secret. I also told my boss so he would know the reasons behind me needing time off work and so he would understand that he'd need to find coverage for me while I'm off on short-term disability. I told my scheduler too.

Fast forward to last Sunday. J and I were driving around on a very warm day and we decided to stop and see my folks. When we arrived, we were sitting in the new addition visiting with my parents and my mom decided that she wanted to bring up my weight problem. (I love my mom very much, but for as long as I can remember, any time she gets a chance, she will bring up my weight, my hair, my eyebrows, etc. That's probably why I try to avoid being alone with her.) Anyway, I finally snapped. I announced my surgery. I don't think I'll ever forget how good it felt to say it. My mom and dad were shocked...my mom asked asked all kinds of questions. Eventually, my dad said that he was proud of me. I don't think my parents have ever said that they were proud. It was amazing.

A couple days ago was my initital consultation with Dr. Z (my surgeon). After a very loooong list of questions I shot at both him and the nurse practioner, the doc kept saying, "you'll do great" over and over again. I have real faith that I will now.

I wasn't going to tell anyone else until we got closer to my surgery date, but I did tell some of our best friends. J let it slip to his parents that he took a long lunch on Thursday to take me to my consultation. My mother-in-law is a nurse and had a million questions for J, but he did his best to answer them He asked them not to say anything to me or anyone else because he knew I'd be embarrassed. He came home and told me he spilled the beans. To be honest, I really felt relieved. They love me, I know they do, but it's infinately easier for him to tell people than it is for me. I'm just so ashamed.

There's about 10 of my best friends I want to tell, but I'm just not sure how. I don't want people to think badly of me. A few of those 10 are super fit, running daily people, and I don't want them to think I'm taking the easy way out. I'm not though--if they knew how I feel. How tired I get, how hard it is to complete daily tasks, or even how hard it was to make the decision to have my surgery, they'd know it's not the easiest way out. I'm not even to the hard part yet. The starving, the surgery, the pain, the medications, the lions, tigers and bears...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know...

What girl doesn't have an embarrassing article of clothing that says something silly on her heiny? Before you pick on me too much, I only own one tank top and one pair of shorts so shut up! I wanted to wear something that showed me in all my true, "fluffy" goodness.

Speaking of fluffy, I love Gabriel Iglesias.

Hi there,

Before I begin this whole "Blogging" thing, let me first explain that I plan on keeping this as anonymous as possible. It's embarrassing to get to my size in and of itself, but to publicly promote a possible failure is just too much for me to handle. Period.

I hate the word Blog.

That being said, the name's Nunya (as in Nunya Bid'ness). I'm a 26 year old female stuck in the mid-west. I am married to a very devoted man, who, to proctect his privacy, will be referred to as J. We've been married for almost 5 years, but have been together since my senior year of high school (about 8 years). I currently reside about 20 minutes away from where both myself and my husband grew up. I work about 10 minutes from home. I am a Christian (but not one of those in your face, totally annoying, will point out all your sins kind of Christians). We have 2 cats.

I recently made the decision to have the roux-en-y (gastric bypass surgery). I have to go through a 6 month program and my estimated surgery date is around February 1, 2011. I went to the surgeon's office this week and had my initial consultation.

Measurements:

• Height 5'9.5"
• Weight 412
• Waist 57"
• Neck 19"
• Bicep 22"
• Forearm 14.5"
• Chest 62.5
• Hip 68"
• Thigh 35"
• Calf 23.5"
• BMI 62

I am so pleased that I started a new life today. Not even a new life. I'm starting MY life. A life where I can wear a tank top when it's hot outside. A life where I can fly to visit my friends and family in Florida. A life where I can sit anywhere I want. A life where I can shop at any store for clothing. A life where I can walk anywhere and not be out of breath. Most importantly though, I want a life that my husband and I can enjoy together with our children.

I honestly don't know what my new life will bring, but I'm just so excited. On the other hand though, I'm afraid of failing. Clearly getting to this weight is such a disgusting mess. I have tried countless diets, but I'm really feeling like this is it.

My goals are very simple.

• Track weight loss.
• Use this as a tool to learn from my mistakes.
• Loose weight and keep it off.
• Get pregnant.
• Don't die young.

Almost two years ago, my aunt, who was bigger than me, went through roux-en-y surgery. She looks and feels amazing. She gets around so much better--so she was my guinea pig. She referred me to her surgeon....and so it begins.