Nanak

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Well, now I'm 84 pounds down.  I no longer have buyer's remorse at all, in fact, I wish I had done this years ago.  I've had   to get rid of bags of clothes and buy a few to get me through this stage.  I feel really good...energy wise.  Still missing some foods I now realize that I'll never enjoy again.  All that chewing takes away the pleasurable taste of things.  Even eating a grilled out hamburger isn't good.   I just end up spitting out grizzlie type stuff.  I've been able to eat out successfully so far, but have been very careful with my choices.  I've only gotten sick once since I had surgery and I'd like to keep it that way.  I am enjoying the many compliments.  I'm not exercising and need to work on that now.  I'm 57 and my skin is not going to bounce back....not very attractive.  My hair is falling out a lot.  I hope that slows up soon.  Still working on vitamins, calcium, etc.  Found out I'm very low on Vit D, so taking supplements 3 times a week for that.  I personally believe that too much pressure is put on you right after surgery to do everything right immediately.  I think a person needs to "layer on" new habits to feel less overwhelmed.  Practicing before surgery really wasn't helpful.  It will be interesting to read all this back some day and see if I still agree.  So far, so good....

I am now 2 1/2 months out from surgery.  Looking back, I'd say I was complication free.  I had little things which seemed very major to me at the time, but I now realize they were little.  I'm always surprised by reading the message boards.  People are so anxious to get approved and get their date set.  They all seem so excited for their surgeries.  I was different.  I spent years researching gastric bypass and would always decide against it and try something else.  I attended the info meeting at FVSD last July and started realizing that if I wanted to live forever (my private goal), I had better do something about my weight.  I no longer could boast I was healthy...increased blood pressure and cholesterol and prediabetes had appeared.  I was convinced this was my only option.  I made appointments, took the MMPI and then found out my husband's insurance company would not cover the surgery.  I appealed three times.  Luckily, it was open enrollment time at my workplace, so I signed up for my own insurance, but I couldn't go back to the Drs. until after Jan. 1.  So, I had my first appointment on Jan. 5.  I wanted my surgery in March and had been told that was possible.  My daughter was having twins in Feb. and I was going to take care of them when she went back to work  after Easter.  The people at the clinic were nice, but I never felt "bonded" to anyone and got annoyed when they wanted me to come back next month, then next month.  I didn't like the questioning about my ablility to follow the rules.  I felt like...I'm 56 yrs. old and I'm sitting here at this place...would I really do this to myself and then not follow the rules??  I questioned everyday if this was the right thing for me to do.  I decided to continue jumping through the hoops until I met a surgeon and see if I felt comfortable with him.  My daughter returned to Weight Watchers in March and I took her there.  This was a meeting I used to attend for months.  I sat in the back and had to fight an overwhelming urge to join again.  It seemed like I belonged there.  I was so torn.  I had given up "unhealthy"eating for lent and was losing weight quite nicely...why couldn't I do that all the time?  I never cheat during Lent.  On March 19, I finally met Dr. Pierce.  He seemed like a nice man and probable competent surgeon.  He handled my multitude of questions with politeness and completeness.  Then, you hear the comment, we will now send this in to insurance to get you approved.  By this time, I was worried about helping out my daughter.  That was a major priority to me and commitment to her.  I didn't think they could get me appoved and scheduled by the end of March and I was feeling relieved.  I'd just have to wait.  Then, I get the phone call late on Weds, Mar. 25.  I'm appoved and they can do the surgery the next Weds.  What???  One week notice and on April Fool's Day!!  Are you kidding me?  It was either that or April 15 and that was too late.  I didn't know if I'd be able to babysit a week and a half after surgery...what to do?  Take it or leave it.  I took it.  Then, unlike others here...I dreaded it.  The surgery went well evidently.  I had a few issues and stayed in the hospital until Sat.  I hated it from the moment I had it done.  Buyer's remorse they call it.... I had it bad.  I started taking care of the babies at my home.  They were loves, but time consuming.  I had trouble getting in fluids, I'd walk in the house and I could feel myself getting depressed.  I've never been depressed in my life, but I knew that's what was happening.  By Sat. all I could do was cry.  My sister, who lives in Colorado, happened to call and though I tried not to, I started up again.  By Mon. she was at my house and spent the week with me.  Just having her be there made all the difference and my mood improved.  I still regretted the surgery, but it was done...so deal with it.  Friends helped me out the next week.  I was hating the pureed stage and frankly, wasn't really hungry.  I took care of the babies one more week at their house and that went great.  Then, we hired a college student friend to finish off the last four weeks (my daughter is a teacher) so that I could go back to work.  I finally was able to concentrate on myself again and try to deal with solids.  I was still regretting the surgery, though.  By the end of May, I was working again and feeling totally myself except for eating which I still didn't care to do.  Just not hungry, but I tried.  We never went out to eat.  I was terrified of dumping some food I thought ought to be okay, but wasn't.    I was/am very conservative with my choices and only try new things at home.  Then, horror struck.  One of the twins was diagnosed with a childhood cancer called neuroblastoma.  She was diagnosed on May 29, almost died 2 days later because of what the tumor which was hidden behind her heart (long story how it was found, but thank God it was) was doing to her heart rate and blood pressure.  She had surgery on June 4 and the whole thing was removed.  All her scans and tests are clear and except for regular checkups and scans she is considered cured.  She came home on her 4 month birthday, June 9.  Well, food was not even a concern, nor was my stupid pity party.  I've lost 60 lbs. (17 before surgery and 43 since) and have to admit that though my live if forever changed as far as food is concerned....I have a life to live.  I will be there for my grandaughters and maybe I don't regret the surgery.  Reading the message board is like having therapy sessions and I hope to meet some of these people some day.  I just wanted to write this somewhere so I won't forget.

Busy taking care of last minute details.  It feels good to cross things off my list.  By this time tomorrow, I should be out of surgery.  To me, the anticipation is worse than the actual thing.  I got my hair cut and roots colored early this morning....got to look good.  I can't stand that I have so much gray hair.  Of course, I don't know how much I have.  I've been coloring it for years.  I still haven't told all my family members that I'm doing this surgery.  Still have one more sister, my brother and hubby's whole side to inform.  The date just got scheduled 6 days ago and up until that point, I just wasn't ready to say it out loud.  It's so personal and such a HUGE decision.  I have to leave for my Pre-Op Class in an hour.  I will have my husband with me so he knows what all is going to go on.  He's very supportive, but I haven't asked him to be too involved up until this point.  I'm way too independent.  I'm sooo nervous.  Most of my co-workers are now aware, too.  News spreads pretty fast at work.  Well, the dryer's buzzing.  I'm making sure I have clean sheets to come home to.  More later......