MzNikki

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Today is December 25th and there is 6 more days of this year 2008 and 13 days until my doctor's appointment to begin my journey. I told myself that the year 2009 is the year to improve Nikki: physically, mentally, and spiritually. Everyone makes their New Year's Resolution, I know I do every year and end that year in the same situation- but I say 2009 is going to be different. I pray that this time I stick with my resolutions. I have prayed and made up my mind to go forth and pursue in having the gastric bypass surgery- I know it is going to be a journey, but it is a journey I am willing to take and I feel it is going to be worth it. I continue to do research about the procedure every chance I get whether it be T.V. or on the internet. I stay encouraged with God, my sister n law and this website. Although somedays it is hard for me, I see myself encouraging others...

Last night I got on the internet to do some research about gastric bypass. I found out a lot of information. I decided to put togeteher a notebook of information. I have been wanting to do something about my weight for a very long time. Ever since I moved from my hometown in 1994, well maybe a few years later, I have been struggling with losing weight. I''m thinking about everything today, feeling down. Why today? I don't know. I'm thinking about what brought me here or who brought me here, I so want to blame other people- like an ex-boyfriend who told me he was breaking up with me because he could not see past my weight. I can only blame him for hurting me emotionally with his words, the rest- I blame myself. I once lost 30 pounds! Exercising, going to the gym and eating right. I had for a long time been trying to remember what brought me to that frame of mind to be successful at that time in my life, but I can't find it- I can't get my mind back to that point. All I know is that God has blessed me with so much on the inside,but I'm still unhappy with myself on the outside. I thought about having surgery done for a long time but I never pursued it because I let other people talk me out of it because of THEIR fears. Well I finally made up my mind to do something that is going to change my life for the better and that is going to make me happy; instead of always worrying about what other people are going to think or how other people feel. I have so much to do... I have a doctor's appointment next week and I am going to a bariatric seminar the week after. I am just getting started on this journey and I'm nervous, scared, do not know what to suspect- but I hope for the best and success. My sister-n-law is very supportive, she has just begun her journey also. I am so tired of feeling depressed and sad about myself; and just lately have been not wanting to leave my apartment; but typing my feelings out is helping me to feel better:) Well you will hear more from me. I have a lot on my mind and I feel I can express myself with people who are where am at or who has been where I'm at