mysticblue

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I am still out of state and away from home so I am unable to officially weigh in on my scale. But I found a scale where I am staying because I was curious about my 3 month weight loss. I have lost another 1.6 pounds making the total loss 51.6. After just a half pound last week I was afraid I wouldn't get past 50, but knowing that if I did the right things I would continue losing, this proves it. Only 1.6 pounds to go and I will be at the lightest weight I have been in 10 years. AND I am almost out of the 220s which has been my nemesis in the past. Only 4 more pounds!

So tomorrow is my 3-month surgiversary and today is the first time since surgery that I felt bad enough to think I am going to fail. Don't get me wrong - 50 lbs in 3 months is nothing to sneeze at - I know this and I am proud of it. Which is why I haven't had a single day of regret or emotional turmoil since surgery. But today I realized that my same old fears will resurface occasionally and I need to be able to get through them without sabotage.

Here is what happened: I am away for work, staying at an emergency campus in Maryland. Our meals are provided by the cafeteria on campus. I have been nauseous for the last two days even though I have been eating really well. Today I ate about 1/4 of an omelette for breakfast and had chicken pot pie (without the crust) and a small salad for lunch. Well, my nausea kicked up again after lunch and during class I threw up my lunch (not in class thankfully - but in the restroom nearby). So I got pissed. I didn't eat too much and I was very aware of how fast I was eating. I felt fine after lunch. It wasn't until a few hours later I got sick. I am having acid reflux issues causing nausea, and even though I know this, I got pissed. So on my way out of class, I crossed campus to the little store and bought some popcorn and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup (my old nemesis). I went back to my room, downed the popcorn and then started to eat the Reese's more slowly. Of course, the crap I am eating doesn't cause me nausea at all which makes me even more mad. But as I am finishing the Reese's, I start to realize what I am doing. So of course what comes next? That's right - a pity party. It lasts about a half hour of me wallowing in my own self-pity before I get mad again. But this time I am mad at myself for reverting back to old habits. 

So, I bundle up (since it is wicked cold out here) and I walk across campus to the gym. I worked out harder and faster than I have since before surgery. It was nothing but pure, 100% frustration at myself that caused me to work so hard. I went 7 minutes on the Elliptical, when in the past I haven't been able to do more that 2 minutes at a time, and I walked .5mph faster for my full length on the treadmill, then lifted weights (which I have stayed away from since surgery). It wasn't until my brisk walk back home that I started to slow down and smile. In the past, I would have gone to bed in self-pity mode and maybe even continue into the next day. But tonight there was a difference. Even with the crap I ate today, I wasn't over on my calorie limit, and instead of letting it sit there and turn to fat, I worked it off. I never knew frustration could make me workout so hard. 

I am what you call an optimistic fatalist - I always hope for the best but also prepare for the worst. I think that is what I did today. I didn't want even one day to go by where I allow myself to go back to old habits. And hopefully, tomorrow is a better day. 

As of today, I have lost 50 pounds since surgery. This is a huge milestone as it is the most weight I have ever lost at one time. Also, with the 50 pound weight loss, my BMI is finally below 40, which takes me out of the morbidly obese category. I am merely obese now, which I just love. Even when I get to my goal of 150, I will be considered obese according to charts, but I am okay with that. Now I am only 3 pounds away from my lowest weight in 10 years.

Interestingly, the further along I go with this surgery, the more fear I have to get on the scale. I only weigh myself once a week but as I get close to my weigh in, I get terrified that the weight loss will end and I will get on the scale to see either no change or a gain. I know this will come eventually, especially as I get closer to goal, but it still makes me afraid. Most people have had stalls by this point so I have been incredibly lucky and I am doing well with my program. I just hope to continue doing this well until at least my birthday in April. In order to do that, I need to mix up my diet a bit. I tend to eat the same things and I know that will get old if I continue. I also need to be more mindful of exercising at least three times a week. One step at a time is still my mantra.

Over the new year, I read over some of my old journals dating back over ten years. I realized that in 2001, I weighed 222 pounds and that was the lightest I weighed over all the years leading up to this one. As of yesterday when I weighed in at 228, I am only 7 pounds away from beating that number after ten years of diets and weight worries. I am also less than a point away from having my BMI under 40, which will take me out of the morbidly obese category and into the obese category. Finally, I am only 3 pounds away from having a total weight loss of 50 pounds, which is the largest weight loss I have ever had. I am so close to so many goals, it is terribly exciting.

I have not had a stall since the surgery. Sometimes the weight loss is big and sometimes it is a pound a week, but as long as I am going down I feel incredibly blessed. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself to get to these goals because I don't want to sabotage my progress. One step at a time has become my mantra.

So I finally broke down and bought a few new outfits. Today I wore one of them to work. The shirt is much more form fitting than I am used to (I tend to like big and flowy). Anyway, I walked into the kitchen and a guy I work with said, "Wow, you have lost a lot of weight." I was glad to see that someone had noticed because no one has said a word since my surgery. So I told him how much I have lost. Then he said, "You are looking really good." It was at this point that I felt the heat rise up my neck into my face - I am really light skinned (pale) so you can really tell when I am blushing. Knowing that I was starting to blush caused further blushing and I couldn't figure out what to do. So I fled.

Why would I have such a reaction? Then I realized that for years I have been absolutely invisible to others. I can be in a room full of people and feel that no one can see me. So, to have someone compliment my looks was absolutely foreign to me and I had no idea how to react. I laughed about it the whole way home - what a goober.

I have been reading a book called Soul-Full Eating: A Delicious Path to Higher Consciousness. In this book it talks about our relationship with food and how our current culture has hindered our ability to have a healthy relationship with food. In this book, it states, "Another advantage of systematically undereating is that you will find yourself to be better in touch with what I call the 'More" mechanism. This is the inner gauge we all have that signals when we are full. If you have ignored this feeling barometer for a while, chances are that your more mechanism is set very high. As a result you may eat much larger amounts than are healthy for you without feeling full."

One of the best things about this surgery is it has given all of us the chance to reset the "More" Mechanism. By eating mindfully and having to re-learn our bodies signals, we have the chance to really pay attention to hunger and full signals. It has also allowed us to truly savor food (maybe for the first time) since there is less of it we can eat. We must chose wisely for nourishment and health. I found myself at my office holiday party looking at the chips and salsa. But I knew if I ate that, I wouldn't have room for the protein my body needs. So I chose to wait for the stuff that would truly nourish my body.

The surgery has also allowed us to really see what calorie limits our bodies respond to. I have been told since the beginning of time not to go below 1200-1500 calories when trying to lose weight. But I never lost weight on that many calories. Now, by incrementally increasing my calories each month up to 1200-1500, I am able to see my body's reaction to each incremental increase. I could not have done this without the surgery as I would have been starving! The surgery gave me this knowledge. The gift of being mindful of each and every change and of each piece of food I eat.

To me, these are some of the unseen benefits of this surgery and this journey.

Happy New Year. I have been working on my goals for the next year and while I have a lot of random thoughts written down, I seem to be struggling with pinning them down. Weight loss has been on my list of goals every year for about ever. I just don't want to wish for the same things again this year. Instead, I have been thinking about what things I might be able to do once I get to my goal weight, such as wearing high heels, going on a singles cruise, crossing my legs, etc. Some are small things but they would give me great joy!

Also, I am getting closer to the one spot where I always tend to stop losing weight. My body hates getting out of the 220s, so I am hoping to just power through this next 12 pounds and get into the teens to prove that I can do it once and for all.