MurphyToo

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So on the 22nd of Sept.  It will be 1 year.  And while I am happy about how far I have come....I'm frustrated because I'm not being good about exercise....sugar is now back....I feel like an alcoholic that has fallen off the wagon... instead of alcohol, I'm OD'ing on peanut M&Ms and chips.  UGHHHHHHHH Someone KICK ME!

So....1 yr later...135 lbs lighter....I'm still fighting my addiction of carbs.

So here it is November 10th and I haven't posted in what seems like forever.    I'm down to 250, which is great!  But I am still SUPER tired... my vitamin issues are getting worse.  Can't seem to get them in (except my b12 which I take daily... it disolves under tongue and tastes like cherries woohooo!)

As for protein...I have yet to find one that doesn't make me sickkkkkkk.   I am beginning to wonder if this is ever going to get better.  However, my uncle's girlfriend stopped by to visit...she is 2 months ahead of me and says it will pass... she is doing fabulous.  So it was a nice visit.

I am having periods every 2.5 to 3 weeks.  UGH.   I'm afraid to eat anything for fear of getting sick.  It sucks.  Oddly...it seems I was able to eat more the first month out then I can eat now.   That has me confuseddddd.

I go back to work next Monday.  I'm not looking forward to it (I hate hate hate the attitudes of some people at work.... especially one in particular who doesn't know what he is doing and is in a position of power)

But I have to go in chin up and try to get through it until I find something else I suppose.   I'm trying to get all my debt paid off so I can look at relocating to Washington or Oregon.  I'd love to just start over somewhere but can't do it until I am 100% debt free...to give me time to find a job..house..etc.

More to come later!

I am so frustrated....

after the first ten days, I lost a total of 20 lbs.   A lot...yes.   So I kind of figured that I wouldn't lose much the following week.  But OH NO!  Not a zero loss or a low loss...but a GAIN!

WTF is that about???   I have gained back 4 lbs.... well it fluctuates between 3 and 4 lbs.   What is this about? I'm not doing anything different.  I am eating the same small amounts...except now I get eggs..cottage cheese, refried beans..you know..mushie foods.    And I'm gaining???

Did I do something wrong...?  Am I somehow broken?   Am I failing?

Ugh.  This is toooooooo much to handle.   Damn the scale.

I have to say, I survived the first week.  That is my number one be win of today.   I survived the first week post-op.    I've also realized during this week that I was in complete denial about my addiction to food.

I knew I 'liked' food.  Some food I knew that I 'loved'.   Never did I realize that I was actually addicted...until my drug was completely taken away.    Is post op painful? Yes.   You have holes in your body that are healing, organs have been modified, there are staples and sutures.   of course it is painful.   But the cravings are the killers...   You feel gas pain, and wonder...is that my stomach growling...I must be hungry!  I have to tell you...no amount of prepping for this adventure could have prepared me for this last week.   

I have been looking into to RNY and researching for over five years.  So it isn't like I went in to this lightly.   And I am still amazed at discovering that I am an addict of food.   I find myself trying to justify just trying one little bite....if I chew it up enough..my stomach won't realize that I have cheated!  Of course, I don't do this, because I'm also a vomit-phobe.   I so would do anything to avoid vomiting.  I could never be bulemic for this very reason.  

Anyway....I survived the first week..and yes, I'm suffering from post op insanity apparently. I digress.

So I was told to start my vitamins today.... 2 chewable flinstones, my daily b12, a chewable bcomplex and liquid calcium citrate w/ magnesium.   I think that is all of them.....  None of them are pleasant tasting...but this is the next few months (until I can stomach ...pun intended.... pill form of all but the b12)        However,  I know others who are several years post op who didn't have to take as many as me.... so I'm a little perplexed...

Oh and best of all!  I ate half an egg and 2/3 of a stick of string cheese today!   I ROCK!   Tomorrow....I'm having turkey!    and the day after I am hoping for refried beans ....yay beans! depends of course if I am still have pooper problems.    To be determined later....

So if I can defeat my desire to cheat and eat ( ohhh rhyming)  I think I will be ok.

And I have my follow up on Wednesday...at which time I'll be discussing my concern over the amount of weight I have lost since 9/22.   Is it ok to have lost 20 pounds in one week????  and of course, by Wednesday, it will be more like 22 or 23.       I realize that this rate is not the norm.   and I fully do NOT expect to lose this in the following weeks.  But I do worry about the rate so far.  

Oh...and thanks to the sudden loss of weight, I've started my period.  My period who has been MIA for almost a year an a half.   Ugh.

Time seems to be flying by... It's Thursday already!    Half way to my first week of fluids only.    Of course, today, I'm in a lot of discomfort.   Oh my goodness...I can't tell if it is that I'm full (though I haven't really eaten) or if it is a lot of gas build up.   I keep walking and trying to move as much as I can without aggrevating my incisions to try and work it out...but to no avail.

Then I realize I haven't eaten today, so I should eat something....but I feel so full that I think it will only make it worse if I try too add jello or soup to the mix.  Ugh.  So begins the discomfort / gas stage I suppose.

Keep thinking positive...this to shall pass!!   If anyone knows a magical cure to this horrible feeling of being ready to pop....please let me know!

Well, had it not been for the fact that I was incredibly doped up yesterday, I would have posted one day out!  But alas, the drugs won the battle between sleep and excitement!

The surgery went very well...I only had a few minutes of "Oh god, I'm going to cry....why am I doing this?" and those quickly passed.  I believe my prayers for a calm day were answered :)   They rolled me back, told me to start breathing  and next thing I know I'm waking up in PAIN - and telling the nurse, "where is my cpap? I'm in pain...oh god the pain!"  And she told me to quit flopping my arms around - and told me to breath through the pain.... well let me tell you...this was not a 'breathe through the pain" kind of pain!   Anywho, they finally got my pain under control and next thing I remember was being in my room and being told everything was great!

Needless to say, that night was pretty blurry/foggy.. but the next day I was walking the hall, they took out my drains and sent me on my way!  Home the next day by 4 PM.   Just a few hours over 24 from the time of my surgery, I was sitting on my couch at home.

So sleeping...let's just be honest.  It sucks.  You can't lay flat, and you can't quite get comfy in the recliner (ye old but starts to hurt) so basically you sleep for an hour or two and get up, readjust, and sleep for another hour or two...repeat this all night long.   That is my first night.

Now here I am two days out, I am walking 10 minutes around the island in the kitchen and then taking a break to do my three spoonfuls of jello and drink my fruit punch protein...New Whey, 40+ g protein per vial.  Mix with your 64 ounces of water you have to consume...you are SET! and it tastes like kool-aid.  LOVE IT!

My only complaint is I have staples on one incision that are BURNING and I think it is because the skin is sticking or something.  They look healthy, but my skin burns every time I move the wrong way...and just on that one incision.

Oh...and for the reality check -  No one mentioned pooping the day after.   Or the second day after.  So I'm going to talk about that.  IF you are queasy, turn away.   So just remember, they cut your colon... and there was blood.   So if you think you are going to pass gas, be sure to do so on the toilet.....as it may be liquid (feeling like gas, but disguised as liquid!) and it will be looking much like coffee (old blood tends to do that). and it will just run out continously.  No pushing necessary.  :S  So hey...I figured someone should talk about this... because it scared the bejesus out of me and the nurse was like "Oh no, don't worry..that is totally normal!...but if it is bright red or continues for days....then let the dr know" 
Ok, point made and taken! Watch the liquid coffee coming out my rear.

So - there is my update...I'll keep you all posted.  I'm really going to try to be diligent and post regularly for those who are preparing to go through the process - so you will have at least one perspective. :) Thanks to everyone for their thoughts/prayers! They are much appreciated!

I have to be honest....I have been reading blogs over the last year and always thought..."How can these people be typing on here the night before a surgery??  Aren't they stressed...worried...or getting ready????"  And here I sit, pouring over over profiles trying to prepare myself by reading experiences of others.   And of course, posting the night before surgery!  Go figure :)

So I only had to do liquids yesterday and today....only had a few moments of grumbling when I just wanted to chew.  Just chew..not really eat.  Crazy I know.   Of course, seeing others chew/eat/enjoy, didn't really help.  But I kept thinking, "Get used to it sister..this is your life for the next few months or more!"  

Of course, I did go to church today and took communion.  Don't think I didn't cherish that small bite for just a moment.  I know, bad catholic I am.  Rather than focus on the eucharist, I'm savoring the feeling of chewing.  Ugh.  I'm disturbed!!!  

And now, it is almost 11 PM and I only have a few hours before I go under the knife and change life as I once knew it.  I have to tell you, I'm terrified, scared as hell to be exact.  And there is a part of me that wonders, when I get there, will I suddenly scream out "Nevermind Nevermind, I'll try dieting again!"   I hope I don't do that.  Surely I would flash back to all the failed diets and pounds coming back in threefold each time.  

Besides the fear of the actual surgery.... there is the surviving afterward.  Making sure I am doing what I should, that I'm not depressed, regretting it... miserable resentment of others...all of which I have seen in others and heard about from strangers.  I just have to keep reminding myself...I chose this, I want this, and life is simply too short to not do everything possible to make it the healthiest  I can.  And that is to forge ahead, make it through the surgery and follow my doctors instructions for the rest of my life. 

I'm praying that tomorrow I will get a sense of calm - and just relax and let the doctor do his magic.  

I'll post again as soon as I am home and feeling up to it.  Hopefully that will be just a few days!

Wish me luck!

It's official! I have a date.  After almost a year of waiting and going to appointment after appointment, jumping through the proverbial HMO hoops, I have a date!  Watch out life, here I come!

One more appointment (cross fingers and toes that the pulmonologist gives me a passing grade!) and I'm set!   I'm excited, scared, crazy, worried, hopeful...you name it, I am feeling it.

There is a big part of me (no pun intended) that wonders if I will be successful.  I've heard all these stories of the 5 to 6 week post surgery depression...realizing that food can't be your friend.  I'm worried that I will somehow discover some crazy feelings that I have stuffed down my throat with bagels and frozen coffee.   But I'll just have to deal with it as it comes.   I will have to remind myself daily that life is going to be better, brighter and lighter.   I will be liberated from the extra person that I've carried around forever.

So September 22 will be my new birthday - Wish me luck!