msjilly

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So hi (all of the people I don't know).
I went to the meeting on tuesday. I'm sort of irked that they didnt hand out the information packets when you call in. About 98% of the information given at the meeting was all stuff I already knew. The remaining 2% was just odd stuff that I'm not sure was stuff I needed to know. So, WHY am I irked? I could have made an appointment with my doctor for a physical 2 weeks prior. I am also in school so fiting time in, just blows. I just wish they would have told me.

Anyways, at the meeting [which we were 2 mintues late for due to traffic and my mother who was driving  ] there was a brunette version of my mother and I sitting directly in front of us. It was CRAZY. The mom was thin, motherly, and brunette. My mom the same, but we're the "blonder" version. They were even sitting the same way! Nodded at the same time and leaned forward at the same time. It was great. The girl was about the same size as me, wore clothes that I would wear, had glasses like mine (I wear them sometimes) and had long brunette hair, mine just the same, but lighter. It was so funny. I DID pay attention to the speaker, but I wondered how many chunky girls out there have moms that are super thin-- like mine.

Anyways, so I've been filing out the paperwork and doing all of this junk. Wrote out the family history, about to write my letter of self report, and then wait until next thursday for my appointment with the doctor to get a referral or whatever. Blah. I'm impatient. It's not like I want to go in and get the surgery TOMORROW, but everything up until the surgery day is fine, I can always back out at any moment. ..

*sigh*

I think I'me trying to psych myself out of this whole idea. I've looked through pictures and have seen a lot of very healthy after photos. I've also seen people that are rail thin now.. trying to keep weight on. That scares me. I guess I want to know if it's worth my life? Either way.

So I guess I need to just sit tight until September 4th. I wanted to get everything out of the way, and had I called ONE DAY sooner, I wouldve already had my meeting. But NooOOo :) so 13 days from now, I have my meeting. I asked my mom to come with me. It's not so much for emotional support (since I'll be supporting myself) but more to have a cynical eye there to listen and remember stuff that I may not remember. So yep! I'll be optimistic for now. Ya can't rush this can ya? No.. but the thing that they forget is that many people that have thought about WLS aren't newbies to this. I've been thinking about it for quite some time. I've researched (or looked for information) for a while.  The only thing stopping me would be the money. $20 co-pays each time, and with a maximum of $1750 to pay for the surgery. I don't know how I can afford that and go to college at the same time. But I can't take time off of school-- I am graduating December 15th. Yay.

Today I called around and found out more information.

Here is my problem.
I'm 23, my birthday is in November, and I graduate college in December! Lots of stuff going on. My last day of coverage through my current provider would be December 31st. Woo. 

I set up an appt for Sept 4th at 5:30pm. I was told I would also have to see a nutritionist (been there, done that), do some phone plan couseling, see a psychologist, and get a recommendation or something like that. I shouldve have looked into this sooner! 

The lady I talked to on the phone was sooo super helpful and nice. The second lady was not so helpful, and kinda short with me. I thought that was weird.. since I was just calling for information-- isn't it their job to help me out? Arent my insurance premiums paying their salary~?? :P Anyhoo. I met all of the requirements through my insurance company to have the thing covered. Problem is that they only pay 80% of it, I pay 20% with a maximum of $1750- the rest they pay. Oofta. 

I'm hungry. I just noticed I havent had anything to eat today! Maybe I should do that?? So yes, that is the information I have found out. I am a little impatient and don't want to wait the whole 2 weeks to the 4th, but that's how I am, instant gratification all of the time!

I've been playing around with this idea of surgery. I found this site on accident.. but it might be a good one. 

I'm so depressed about my weight. I used to enjoy being outside and doing things and rollerblading for hours on end.. but I'm too ashamed of myself to go outside anymore :( 

I see pictures of myself now and I don't know who it is anymore. I've never made fun of larger people, but I used to think, "Wow So-and-so has gotten really large." Then the pictures come back and I'm actually fatter than they are.  

I just am not happy about it anymore. I want to be an active, happy person that doesnt always have to buy bigger clothing (who can afford that?) 

I don't know. I'm so depressed. I'm all blurry and crying now.

I have to say, that after looking through this site, I am so proud of all of the weight people have managed to lose. It's amazing what some people can do when they put their minds to it. On the other hand, I feel really really bad about feeling envious myself. I never covet or get jealous, but seeing so many success stories in an area that I have so many problems with, makes me so frustrated with myself. I am an emotional wrecking ball right now. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I have a really thin mother who is technically underweight. I have a dad that is average weight ("normal") and two tall, very healthy brothers.  They don't know what it's like. Sure my mom tells me she used to be overweight (so, one point in her life she was 20lbs heavier).. but it doesnt help me, someone that is 100+lbs overweight. My brothers pick on me and call me names even though we are all old enough to be past that stage. My mom also tries to portion my food. I kid you not, one day she gave me 4 cherry tomatos, a piece of bread 1 inch thick, and a piece of steak that was 1.5" x 1.5" (literally a bite). She said, "oh, that's all you should be eating anyways." ... yeah. 

:( I'm just upset right now.