msblues
I have battled my weight even before I had a weight "problem". Every woman in my family going back from my mom to her mom and so on have been large women. My dad's side was different. They didn't have weight problems, but no matter how thin they were, they all had stomach fat or a pooch. My mom's goal for me was to not be fat. Unfortunately everything they did created a fat person by the time I was 16. Before 16 I would gain a little, grow a couple of inches and out grow the weight. Each time this happened panic ensued and I was put on a diet regardless of whether I was overweight or not. Everytime I entered the kitchen, my parents asked me what I was doing, would proclaim I wasn't hungry and would shame me if I told them I was. At an early age, I learned if I wanted food when I was hungry I had to either sneak in the kitchen or hide food in my room. This was especially true for anything they deemed "crap" food or unhealthy. I learned very early to eat food fast and eat as much as possible because I didn't know when I'd get access to it. It was extreme, sad and pathetic. I was an active kid too. I played on all the sports team and was in the marching band. My dad was also a raging drug addict who seemed to only communicate by yelling and hitting me constantly. Life really sucked.
Once I learned to covet food, I gained weight to spite my parents. I hated how much they focused on my weight. It was daily obsession. Nothing I did in terms of over accomplishments meant much. My straight A's and music schlorships didn't mean much as long as I was fat. It was frustrating and I hated them for it. I showed that hate by getting more fat. Soon they started dangling things like brand new cars in front of me if I would just lose a certain amount of weight by a certain date. I figured I was so ugly and pathetic it didn't matter how fat I was, plus why take away the one thing that gave me pleasure, food!
A couple of years into college I started enjoying life being away from my parents, but I was fully engaged in a food addiction. I couldn't understand why I was so sad and upset all the time. I went to the counseling center at my college and gave them a background and for the first time I heard the words "Child of an Alcoholic". They gave me a book to read and I couldn't believe everything I felt and how I reacted to life was in this book. While I didn't lose weight and in fact kept gaining slowly, my mental state become a bit better. I graduated from college and have had a successful career life, but the whole time I kept taking 50 pounds off and regaining it and more. Before I knew it, my dieting left me fatter.
In the mean time I went to 12 step meetings and joined a support group led by a therapist who overcame her own compulsive overeating habit. I learned a lot about my abuse as a kid and realized I didn't deserve the treatment, nor did I deserve to continue hating myself. After being in this group for 7 years, my doctor suggested I look into WLS.
I had my RNY surgery on May 27, 2009, around 6 months ago. My BMI has gone from 53 to 40. I weight 84 pounds less, I am taking much less insulin and might be off soon. My A1c went from a high of 10 to 6.1, my tryglecerides went from over 500 to 157 and I am taking only half of the dose of my blood pressure medication. I feel better when I walk and feel hope for myself.
I still fight the voice inside of me that wants to munch on food all day long. That voice wants to feel comfortable, at ease, no anxiety and no boredom, but I use the tools from my therapy to deal with that voice. I am so annoyed that voice is still so strong in my mind, but I am on the process of accepting the fact that it might be there all my life and the less I feed it, the more likely it will go away or become weaker.
