mrudelt

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66 more days to go!!! These past few days went pretty fast. I'm hoping the rest of the days go like this. I found a few protein powders that are not horrible. I have a great support system with this. I thought when I told people, they would have smart comments, but everyone has been so supportive.

Yesterday, I had the psycologist appointment. I gotta say, it was a funny experience. My family has a bunch of mental illness on both sides and I had a very rough childhood. However, the look on the psycologist face had to be priceless. All she can say is "You sure do come with a lot of baggage and oh I'm gonna clear you". I just chuckeled in my head.

Over the past few years, I have been so low about myself that I allow people to really use and abuse me. I guess it has been like that for a long while now. I know the surgery will not fix everything, but I am hoping with better self esteem, I will be able to let go a lot of bad habits. My "relationship" with "my" guy, is with a guy who has a girlfriend. They have been together for 12 years. When I first met him, I, myself, was in an abusive relationship. My ex boyfriend would smash my head into a wall on a daily basis. It was to the point, my best friend stop talking to me. She said she couldn't watch me come into work everyday with bruises on my faces and me do nothing about it. So, when this new guy came along, he swept me off my feet and became my knight in shinning armor, or so I thought. By the time I knew he had a girlfriend, I was head over heels in love with him. In fact, she found out about me, called me, and thats when I found out about her. After a year into our relationship, we called it off. I dated other people, but was never happy cause I loved the other guy to much. After 3 years of not being together, we hooked up 5 years ago and been hooked up since then. I know people would think I am this huge whore because of it. I know i should not be with him. I also think to myself, he is a sexy, fit man that wants to at least sleep with me. He is the best I can get. Over th years, the has got a lot from me, financially, emotionally, etc., but I have not gotten much back in return. I am hoping that this surgery will once and for all give me the confidence to once and for all move on.

So, here I am 76 days away from the first day of my new life.  I am a very impatient person, so of course this feels like a lifetime away. However, I found out 20 days ago my surgery date for my VSG and it seemed to move pretty quickly. I am already almost finished with all the doctors I've had to see before the surgery. The staff at Dr. Sadek's were so impressed how quickly I got everything done. So hopefully with the few appoinments I have left, and with my 31st bday coming in less then 2 weeks, I am hoping July moves quickly.

Why am I doing this? Well, up until I had my son, I never struggled with weight. My son was a 10+ pound baby and I gained over 80 pounds with him even though I threw up my whole pregnancy. He is now 8 years old. Since then my weight was yo-yo'ed. My lowest was the end of 2010 when I reached 206. Since I had him, I never been under 200. However, to get to 206, I was practically starving myself. My best friend and my son's father told me I better stop doing that or I am going to make myself sick. As soon as i started eating again, I gained the weight back.

I think a part of me feels like a loser having to do this surgery. I feel like even though its hard, I am still taking the easy way out. I hate to fail. However, I have tried so many diets and I will lose and gain weight. As soon as I start gaining the weight back, even though I am eating well, it discourages me so much that I just give up. So, this was my last choice. I hope with the surgery, I will be the old me again......