sheila S.

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After my meltdown yesterday, I am happy to say I have a better attitude today. I talked to a couple of my OH friends and it has made all the difference. I am not a freak. I am not going to die because I can't get my protein. I am going to do the best I can and that is all I can do. I started using my timer like I am supposed to do.  I feel like I will float away but I am hell bent and determined to get in my 64 oz every day. I feel much better today and would get out of the house if it weren't for this pesky drain hanging out of my stomach. To date, I have not found a way to conceal it. Maybe I'll try a jacket since it's getting cold here. I think I'll have Sean at least take me for a car ride today...I feel like Miss Trixie (the dog)...I just want to go! I cannot stand to watch one more minute of television. I cannot believe I would ever feel this way. I am a TV junkie. There was nothing I loved more than curling up on the couch with a diet coke and cigarette and watching all the really bad reality programming. I don't miss Diet Coke like I thought I would. I haven't smoked in quite a while.  So I guess it stands to reason I would not want TV anymore,right?
Okay, I am having cigarette thoughts. But, I am not going to act on these impulses. I know it's just the addiction. Since I can't have food, I am craving cigarettes. This too shall pass....

OMG, I cannot believe I actually went through with the surgery. Here I am, 4 days post-op, and I am definitely having that WTF did I do to myself feeling. I am not able to get in any protein because all of it makes me gag and not able to get in enough water because I am sleeping 16 hours a day. I am freaked out thinking I am not strong enough to do this. But now it's done. What am I going to do? I am worried about blood clots because I am not moving very much. I am worried about pneumonia because I sleep so much I am not doing the breathing excersises. Have I made a huge mistake? I am so worried I am jeopardizing my health even more by not following the rules...but I CAN"T follow the rules. If I even smell the protein drinks, I almost throw up. And I have tried many of them. I am so scared. I am worried I am going to feel like this forever. I am worried I will never heal. I am worried I will have to go back to the hospital. I just want things to be the way they were last week. I want to feel good. This is all I can blog right now...I can't stop crying. I hope my next post is more positive.

I have to admit...I am really having doubts. Do I know what I am getting myself into? Am I ready to commit to this whole life changing experience? I think I am but what if I get through the surgery and realize I am still the same procrastinating, lazy person I was before the surgery?
Am I doing this for the wrong reason? Is it subconsciously because I want to be loved and accepted? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and accepted, right? Is it because I believe my weight has held me back from being the person I was truly meant to be? What if I don't like the person I become after surgery? What if....
I know I need to stop it. I am obsessing about it. 
I really want to chronicle this journey as candidly as possible. I am not one to mince words, ever. I want to be able to look at these entries a year from now and see that I, too, got through this and feel great. 
So, it's Saturday night. Surgery is Monday morning at 8 AM. I don't feel at all prepared. I bought some chicken broth, popsicles, jello, and Gas X. I have all my vitamins and the meds I will need when I am discharged from the hospital. I have cleaned my house more thoroughly than it's been cleaned in years. I am ready. I think. Sean will be staying with me at the hospital while I am there. I don't mean to sound like an ingrate but  I am worried he will drive me crazy. We look at things like hospitals and doctors differently. I work with doctors. I know how they are. I know they don't know everything. He is very rule oriented. He does not believe you should vary one degree from what you are told. Maybe this is a good thing....he may be able to keep me on track when I need to have my ass kicked.  Don't get me wrong, I do believe in following "guidelines" but do not believe every rule fits every person every time. 
What I am more worried about is being weighed in front of Sean. He has no idea how much I weigh. I can't talk about it with anyone else except someone suffering the same affliction. I know it's stupid. I am clearly obese. I just don't want him to know the number. Is that retarded? I am really freaked out about it. I am hoping I will in one of those beds that weigh you and that the staff will never announce it out loud. 
I talked to Lily earlier. I told her I would be calling her again tomorrow as I want to talk to her as much as possible before the surgery. I am fearful of dying and her having to grow up without me. I don't think I am the best mother in the world. In fact, I beat myself up over what a shitty mother I am all the time. But, I do understand the child in a way no one else does. I have really been thinking a lot about that girl. I am overcome with how much I love her. I cannot believe how insightful, mature, and awesome she is.  She has suffered with obesity like me (my fault) and the only thing lacking in her life is to experience a relationship with a boy. Her weight holds her back. She doesn't feel like anyone can love her and she feels to awkward to make herself available to the right boy. I know everyone thinks their kid is special...I am just saying. She is so special. She deserves to have true love. I  have faith when it happens for her, it will be a man who loves and admires her the way I do. I am so glad she is not like me in this respect. I have been fat all my life but I never had any trouble hooking up with boys...not in a good way. I was very promiscuous as a young woman. My therapist says this is common with sexual abuse survivors. I have done some horrid things in horrid places looking for some kind of acceptance and love if only for a few minutes. Thank God I was able to protect her and instill some sense of security in her so she doesn't have these same issues. 
God, I am rambling...all stream of consciousness and shiz. 
Okay, so I am 39. I don't feel 39. I don't act 39. I am embarrassed by how immature I can be. I place more value on pop culture knowledge than true knowledge. I like to text message. I have accounts on myspace and facebook. I still think in terms of "when I grow up". Am I always going to be this way? Is this how all adults are inside? I keep thinking one day I am going to wake up and everything will have changed for me. Maybe not. I mean I have suffered adult tragedies, criisis, and financial disaster. I am still the one telling crude  jokes and laughing when someone says "weiner". 
I have purged myself for the day. I am going to try to turn it off for now. I am hopeful for the future.

So, I am one week away from my surgery. I went to the pre-op visit today and to a support group meeting tonight. I don't want to sound like a know it all but OMG, I have never gotten so much conflicting retarded information in my life. I am SO glad I found this website and have been reading religiously. Otherwise, I'd seriously be reconsidering my decision. I plan on following my NUT's basic guidelines as they are the same as what I have seen on this website. But, I am also going to use some good ol' common sense too. I spent tonight being lectured to by a support group moderator who assumed her experience would be everyone else's experience. She had never heard of this website. She had never heard of a lot of the things I asked about as a result of educating myself. I think the surgeon's offices should be careful in who they assign as modertators of these support groups.
Okay, so that's my rant for today. 

Otherwise, I cannot wait to get to the other side. I had a long talk with the significant other and feel like he now understands and I have his full and undying support and love. I feel like everything is now in place and I am ready. I AM READY.

So, I have been doing a lot of soul searching over the last week. I have been gutless my whole life. I never stood up to anybody when it came to the way I was being treated. I can stand up for anyone else...just not myself. Why? I have never thought I was worth it. I am not going to go into great detail here but I realize the negative self talk started when I was very, very young.  I had a mother that did not want to be a mother. To this day, I am very conflicted about my feelings towards her. You are indoctrinated that mothers are supposed to be loved. She has always given me the line about doing the best she could under the circumstances, etc. The truth is, she saw both my sister and myself as hindrances in her life. She made very poor choices and always put men before her children. Her second husband sexually molested me. As recently as two years ago, she indicated it was my fault. I have carried this with me my whole life and feel like this is a major reason I have allowed myself to get so fat. Of course I have talked with my counselor about all of this. I know rationally I did not deserve this. The fact remains that my mother stayed married to this man until I was 25. She knew about the abuse when I was sixteen. I can't even explain the damage this has done to my pscyhe. I am just now (at age 39) to the point where I can think about all of this and dissect it and see how it has really determined the person I have become. I have never felt loved or deserving of love. I have never felt like I made anyone proud. I think by insulating myself with all these layers of fat, I protected myself from a lot of the hurt. I made myself available to people more damaged than myself in the hopes they would think I was an okay person. These relationships have never been reciprocal. I have never had anyone I would consider a true friend. What a sad realization. 
Well, I think I am getting stronger everyday. I have been able to really see and examine the reasons why in my life. I am no longer going to allow people to make me feel bad about myself. I am no longer going to let the ghosts of the past determine my current or future happiness. I have no control over the actions of others. I can only control myself and my actions. I am going to let go of the things/people that do not lift me up. I am going to make me the top priority in my life. I am not going to feel guilty about it. I am going to be the person I have always wanted to be. I am not going to hide the real me anymore. I will not be ignored anymore. I will not dismissed. I am here. I matter.

I'm not sure why but I am feeling weepy all the time. I have been stalking on the OH boards almost every day and cannot really find anyone I can relate to. This surgery consumes my every thought. I just don't have anyone to share it with. I have this problem of feeling guilty all the time. People feel free to lay their burdens on me. I am the one to go to if you are having a problem. I end up being the counselor. And not just a counselor to people with normal problems....a counselor to freaks. What am I doing to attract these drama laden people into my life? In any event, although I allow people to confess all to me, I cannot imagine (in a million years) doing the same to them. I am intensely private about matters near and dear to my heart. I have mentioned my WLS to a couple of people I thought would care and not judge. I was sorely mistaken. There has been no judgement....just a lack of interest. I mean, it took a lot of courage for me to bring it up. I have never been able to admit (even to myself) how fat I truly am. Bringing up the surgery is an acknowledgement that I am a fat ass and it hurts. So, when I bring it up and it is barely discussed or mentioned, it hurts. It's like I said "Blue is my favorite color" and the response is "Oh really. Well, you won't believe what happened to me today." I feel so small and insignifcant. I feel like I don't matter in the grand scheme of things because I am fattie and fatties don't count. 
Even my boyfriend, who says he supports me, rarely mentions it. When he does, it is to ask me some stupid and obvious question about it. When I answer, he questions me like I have no idea what I am talking about. He says he is just concerned and this is why he is asking questions....He does it in a way that makes me feel like shit. He does it in a way that suggests I am taking an unnecessary risk and maybe I should rethink it. What he fails to realize is that I have done nothing but think about it and research it ad nauseum. It just pisses me off. If he is so concerned and loves me so damn much, why doesn't he do a little research about...especially if he doesn't think I know what I am talking about when I answer his stupid questions. 
Thanks for listening. I just needed to purge and have someone actually hear me.

I am so excited. I have surgery scheduled on 9/24/07. I have been in this process for a few months. I had been putting it off because of program fees. I received a letter from my HR department indicating the surgery would no longer be covered on our health plan as of 09/30/2007. I about peed my pants. What??!! No longer covered??!! Well, I scrambled and came up with the money. I was lucky. The first available date was 9/24/07. Came in just under the wire. 
I am really annoyed about my health insurance. It is the not the insurer's fault but rather my employer. They have decided to make this an exclusion under the plan because they have contracted with a company to do weight loss counseling. I was in the pilot program that started last year. It was worthless. The company is called Intervent. They basically have some douchebag call you once a week and tell you not to eat fats and get some excercise. Well, duh! And I could tell the bitch that called me had no idea what is was like to be fat. She even seemed a little disgusted when I would tell her my weight. She was probably 22-24 years old, just out of school, and no clue about the real world or real struggles of us fatties.
Anywho, my company has decided to expand the program with Intervent instead of covering WLS. They claim the focus should be more on wellness. I know where the focus really is....saving money on insurance premiums. Of course, the savings will not be passed on to the employees. Our premiums, copays, etc are increasing. Oh well, I shouldn't bitch. At least I have health insurance and have some pretty kick ass doctors. I know what it's like to be on the state medicaid program and at the mercy of the system and the docs that contract with those programs. 
All in all, I'm pretty damn lucky. I have a date.