Mona787

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Tomorrow is the day...I've been up since two am with a k now in my belly. After all the appointments,  the last minute drama, the ceremonial last supper, I think I'm ready. I have all my foods ready, my bad ready, all that's left is my mind. Right now my mi d is feeling anxiety and fear. How did this date get here so quickly? Wasn't it just yester day I got the call of approval? Well...here we go. There's no turning back now. Cheers to my new life!

I had previously wrote how I seemed to be waiting for the other shoe to drop and indeed it did. I was not told I would need clearance from a pcp until my last meeting with surgeon and pre admissions testing. I rightfully freaked out and now I can't seem to sleep because of my anxiety over the whole situation. Why would they give that to me so late? And should I need this if I have a ppo plan and am not required to have a pcp? This is so frustrating!  Hopefully all goes well and I can get the physical from the urgent care dr. And bring him all my testing results to review and can get them the medical clearance document they need.

This sucks. I just knew something would go wrong. Damnit.

So, tomorrow I have my appointment with the surgeon in the morning and then I'm off for pre-admission testing at the hospital. I am so nervous...My surgery is in less than two weeks, and while I am doing my best to prepare, I almost feel like it's not going to happen. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for someone to tell me no. I think it feels so difficult because I'm doing this by myself. I've only told my dad and he is not very supportive.  I'm supposed to stay with him after the surgery and he made a comment that if I'm going to crabby I should just go home to my apartment. I live alone. I'm sad that he would make such a flippant remark especially since when he is admitted to the hospital for any reason I never leave his side. I suppose he's not the best caretaker, nor does he want me to do this. He questioned me again and again about me wanting this. I don't just want this, I need this. I'm five feet tall and super obese. How long can my body handle all this wait before it begins to break down and I start suffering from obesity related diseases? I have tried everything else with minimal success. I need to do this for me and for the future that I want to have. Tomorrow isn't promised but I'm going to plan for it anyway.

If I have to find someone else to be there with me, I will. I can't let anyone's negativity influence me during a time where i need to focus on changing my lifestyle and my health for the better. I love my dad, but I won't be put down by anybody, even him. 

I like to fill out this blog section just for me, so I can track my feelings. And today I feel terrified of having this surgery. I feel like I'm changing me and I don't ha e a right to do so. Who gave me permission to voluntarily go in and cut 80 percent of my stomach off? Who is going to tell me no? Who's going to sat " girl you're crazy, you don't need that?" Who's going to make me feel less than? 

No one. No gets to tell me what to do with my body except me. That's it. I only need to ask my self permission to take charge of me, my life, my health. 

While I'm scared, I'm not scared enough to halt everything I've been working towards for months.  19 days more. Let's do this.

The countdown begins.....25 days and my life never be the same

 Wow.

I think my greatest wprry was not getting approved. I think I was so obsessed with the insurance issues that it was all I focused on. I was ready to be rejected. I prepared for the worst. I was ready to not get approved. I wasn't ready to have a date so soon! I am super happy, and I have been smiling all day. 

But on the flip side, I'm terrified. Am I going to make it? Will I fail? Will I learn to finally love me? Will I lose the parts of me I do like with weight loss? I know it seems vain but I've been in this body so long, I know I have to mentally toughen up for this ride. My life is changing and I want to be ready. 

I know this is rambling, but I just want to get the worries off my mind. What will my family say? Should I even tell them or keep it to myself? I don't know the answers, all I know is that I'm too young to feel so limited in my own skin. I've hid behind my weight for so long that I don't think I want attention, I just want to feel good about me. But I can hear the criticisms now. Oh well. I'm not going to worry about them, for once, I am going to worry about me and my health and my journey that I will be embarking on in 27 days. Wow, 27 days....I can't wait :)