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1/8/08

i'm 28 months out today.  my weight this morning was 133.5.  which means i've been pretty much maintaining for 8 months.  i still journal my food everyday, i've been told by family that i obsess too much about food.  maybe in their eyes, but i'll do whatever it takes to keep me accountable.




8/31/07   

so i'm rapidly approaching my two year anniversary, time to sum up progress.  i started at 288, now weight 137 ish, for a total loss of 151 lbs.  i weigh every week day, but i track my weight on the first of everymonth.  since i wont be near a scale tomorrow i'm using today's weight which is 136.5.  this means that i HAVE been maintaining my weight for 5 months wooo hooo.  hopefully 5 months from now i'll be posting that i've maintained for 10 months.  


7/25/07

yup still maintaining.  i've increase my calories a bit and have started "race walking" 3-4x per week.  i usually walk between 2 and 4 miles depending on the day and how much time i have.  my dr increased my b12 shots to every other week and i've been taking mega doses (50,000 units) of vit d 2x per week.  i'm feeling pretty good.  

i also have my men (dh and step sons) FINALLY eating better.  i took the boys for the physicals and our youngest (13) gained 32 lbs since last year.  he's only 5 feet tall and weighs 182.  his blood pressure is even high.  i've tried to get my husband who is about 30# overweight to eat better so that the kids will eat better to no avail until now.  i think it's finally sinking in that this weight could kill our kids, not to mention him. i told him if tom gains 32 lbs a year he will weigh almost 350 by the time he gets out of school -

the boys just moved in with us in november and we have had some real arguments about the way they eat.  they dont eat fruit of veggies, the youngest one had never eaten a fresh peach - and would not eat any veggie, including corn.  so it's been baby steps, we only have white potatoes once a week.  the only snack foods are fruits, popcorn and pretzels.  no sugary treats or pop at all. 



6/26/07

still maintaining between 135 and 138.  i did see 133 for a breif moment but my body isn't wanting to let go of the weight for good.  my bmi is 22.6 so i'm in the "healthy" range.  one year ago today i weighed 183.5 so this is the first summer in looonnngggg time that i've been thin.  i am having some vitamin deficiency issues, b12, and calcium additionally the dr has been changing my thyroid medicine trying to get it right.  other than that i'm very content with my weight and with my eating plan.  i watch my intake all week and cut myself some slack on the weekend.  i really enjoy the foods i eat, especially now with all of the fresh fruit available.

4/26/07

it's been a while since i updated so here goes.  i weighed 136.5 - it's hard to believe really.  20 months ago i weighed 288, one year ago today i weighed 198lbs ( i track it in fitday).  my pcp and the pa at my surgeons office have told me to stop losing - again who would have thought??

this will be the first summer in a long time that i'll be outside in shorts - long shorts cause of the skin on my legs, but shorts none the less. 

my entry below speaks to how cold i always was.  well i found out that i have developed hypothyroidism and i my b12 is very low.  so i've been taking thyroid meds and b12 shots and i'm feeling much better.  one of the other problems i was having was severe muscle cramping especially at night.  well BOTH of those issues cause muscle cramping and altho i still some leg cramps they have really gotten better.

so i'm still pursuing my dream of maintance, i know can do it.

2/16/07

My weight is steady at 144.  I'm very content at this weight and am really 

working to stay here. 

The cold weather is really getting to me, I can't seem to get warm.  I really 

want to feel the warmth of the sun. Only 4 more months until summer lol.  

My husband is supposed to finalize custody of his children today.  It will be 

great when all of these court dates are over.  The kids are settling in well

and seem to be adjusting to school and actually doing homework and school

work.  There have been struggles ending in tears (mostly mine) but they are 

getting it and I think they realize that we just want them to be successful.

My neice is still doing well, and is now receiving chemo every three weeks.  Please keep her in your prayers. 

1/23/07

I AM losing weight

Today I realized something.  I AM losing weight.  No, the number on the scale isn't going down or up, it has nothing to do with that.  Maybe the outcome of this confession will be that I'll have "lost" the weight of this issue, but I doubt it.  The meaning is that I- AM losing weight.  This is what I do, this is what I have done for as long as I can remember, I lose weight.  Of course you can't lose weight unless you have weight to lose and g*d knows I've always had that - or so I thought. Even when I was in fact gaining weight, it was always about losing weight because tomorrow I would start my diet (ahhhh I would start losing weight and I’ll be me again).  Telling myself that tomorrow was going to be THE day would allow me to eat guilt free, I could eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted.   It was okay; remember tomorrow I'm going to start losing weight.Tomorrow did come sometimes and I would in fact lose weight.  People would notice and comment on how I've lost weight (love that recognition).  It was great.  Sometimes tomorrow lasted for a long time and the weight loss would continue, it was a wonderful feeling seeing that scale go down.  How low could it go, I would never know, but somewhere in the back of my mind I believed it would never go low enough, because when it did, I could eat whatever I wanted again and the losing would be over.   I didn't want the losing to be over - it feels good to lose, people are amazed by you, you are amazed by you, it defines you as a successful person - she can and did lose all that weight.  I even lost TOO much weight, that's right TOO much weight.  I was too thin; words like anorexic were used to describe ME.  Those saying the words were Dr's, but I still didn't believe it was true, besides I AM losing weight, what if it were true what would I be then, I wouldn't be me.

Then one day, it seemed like a minute later, but the reality was it was 2 years later I was heavy again, heavier than before.  During those 2 years I knew I was gaining weight, but it wasn’t really me, because that’s not who I am.  I took solace in the fact that tomorrow was coming again and I would lose weight.   

This cycle has repeated itself in my life 3 times, 3 times I have gained and lost in excess of 100 lbs.This has to be the turning point for me, the cycle needs to stop.  I AM at my goal; I wear normal size clothing.  I AM 47 years old, a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.  I AM compassionate and caring.  I AM - NOT losing weight.  At least I don't want to be anymore, I just don't know who to be, what to worry about, what to consume my time with but today I've promised myself I'm going to try and break the cycle.  I want to be ME. 

I guess the best place to start is with my daily routine.  I wake up (this is key) and before my feet hit the ground I think about yesterday, what did I eat?  Was I “good”, did I eat too much, could I have eaten less.  I assess my hunger, whew nope not hungry good.  Not hungry but by the time I’ve finished brushing my teeth, I’m thirsty, really thirsty.  This is a problem in my disordered eating world because there are rules here, rules for eating and rules for drinking.  There is no drinking until I weigh myself.  In my world I only “believe” one scale, it’s not here at home it’s at work, so there’s no drinking until I get there.  I rinse my mouth with water hoping to relieve the thirst, but it’s still there.  I get dressed and out the door I go. 

On the way to work I stop for coffee (hate the office coffee).  There are rules here as well.  I order my usual, large coffee with cream.  I like splenda in my coffee, but I can’t order it here, what if they use real sugar by mistake.  I have actually asked them to put the splenda in for me, stressing that I can’t have sugar.  When I taste it, well it could be sugar maybe it’s really splenda, I just can’t be sure so it gets tossed out.  On my way to work, still thirsty and if the traffic is backed up I get edgy, I’m thirsty.  When I finally get to work, I get my ice cold spring water ready and in the bathroom I go.  It’s time to weigh myself.  Do I have to pee?  I wouldn’t want to weigh myself before doing that.  I strip down to my skivvies and jump on.  I feel that feeing, hope I didn’t gain, maybe I’ve lost.  I slide the bars over ever so slowly starting at 150 now and working my way down, please let it be down.  I stand very still making sure the indicator is directly in the middle of the weight, this must be precise.  Off the scale I go, but I haven’t moved the bars back yet because I need to get on one more time, just to make sure I read it right.  Once I’m sure I know the number I head right for the big bottle of water.  I’m THIRSTY.  It’s delish and I feel so much better. 

 I begin my day now, drinking my coffee getting my work started.  By about 11 am I think I feel some hunger.  It’s time to start thinking about lunch.  The rule is that I eat no more than 170 calories for lunch.  Where this number came from I have no idea, but it is the number.  Maybe I want oatmeal, 160 calories, so that part is okay, but there are a lot of carbs in there.  I can justify eating it some days because there is a lot fiber and the brand I buy has added protein.  Having made the decision, there is still one thing to do.  Log into my food tracking program and add it to my foods eaten today.  Do I really want to spend 29 carbs on this lingers in my mind?  I hit the save button, done, time to eat.  It’s so good; I could eat the whole packet.  About half way through I gage my hunger again, am I satisfied, maybe a couple more mouthfuls.  By the time I’ve eaten three quarters, I start feeling like I should throw the rest away.  I don’t need to finish this; I’m no longer a member of the clean plate club, so out it goes.  Lunch is over, I’ve done well.  I followed the rules, 29 carbs though I’ll have to make sure my dinner is all protein.

The afternoon melts away and before long it is 4:00.  Is that hunger I feel?  I hope not dinner isn’t until AFTER 6:00.  I drink more water, maybe have a diet soda.  If I have to I’ll have a couple of Altoids stave off the hunger.  In my disordered world Altoids are okay to eat, well one well rationed tin a week is okay to eat. 

On my way home I start thinking about dinner.  Most days I’ve decided what I’m having for dinner the day before, but it’s always subject to change.  I may have to make adjustments based on what I had for lunch, remember those 29 carbs.  Tonight it will be taco meat with cheese and salsa.  Very few carbs there. I’m to go.  I can relax for the rest of the ride, decision is made.  I arrive home at 5:15, say hello to kids make sure hubby is up for work.  I’m getting hungry, but it is not after 6:00 yet.  I can’t eat too early, it’s against the rules.  I pickup the house, change my clothes, get my husband off to work and start dinner for the kids.  Although we eat together, I don’t usually eat what they do and they usually don’t like what I eat so it’s time to fix two meals.  The kids are served, the taco meat is done, time to eat.  Almost….First the food must be entered into the tracking system.  For dinner I spend no more than 350 calories.  I decide I’ll have a half cup of meat, 176 calories, 15 grams of protein, good.  Shredded cheese, three quarters of an ounce should be plenty, 86 calories and 5 grams of protein.  That still leaves me 88 calories for salsa and some sour cream. 

Some days I can eyeball the food and put it on my small plate (yes it must be a small plate).  Most days though I have to measure it, carefully.  Some days I even put it on the plate and have to take it back off and measure it again.  Finally time to eat.  I try to enjoy every bite, gauging my hunger along the way.  I don’t want to eat everything if I’m satisfied.  If I don’t have to finish I congratulate myself.  If I do finish, well I’m disappointed but at least I haven’t eaten more than I’ve budgeted.  I clean up the kitchen, make sure homework is done, check out what’s on TV and I start thinking about what’s left for the day in the food budget.  Today there is 240 calories left.  I allow myself 850 calories for the day.  Sort of, in my world there is room for error logging in the food, so when I’ve logged 750 calories for the day I figure I’ve really probably eaten 850.

Well I gained a couple of lbs over the holiday.  I think it's more water retention, I don't drink as much water when I'm not working.  My weight is between 146.5 and 149 on any given day.  I still worry all the time about regain. 

Home is okay.  My husband won temporary custody of his children in November, we're hoping the judge will make it permanent in January.  The kids are doing really well with us.  They really needed a stable home life, even their school grades have shown huge improvement.

We have a new baby in the family.  Jersee was born in december and he is just as cute as can be.  Ari is doing really well with her treatments, please keep her in your prayers. 

10/16/06

Well I'm down to 155-156 lbs, meaning that since 10-1 I've lost 7 lbs.  Considering that I only lost 3 lbs last month, 7 isn't so bad for 13 months out.    I'd like to lose another 10 lbs, BUT I feel good at this weight so what ever happens as long as I don't gain is fine. 

9/28/06

Another slow weight loss month, down 3lbs, but hey it's not a 3lb gain.  I'm so close to goal now that I've decided that goal is never to weigh more than I do today.  I had my 1 year check up with Dr Boss.  He said my weight loss was "fine" and that I would continue to lose slowly for the next 9-12 months.  We'll see.  So lets see, I weigh 162.5, wear a size 12 pants and medium shirts.  My butt is almost gone but my boobs are still huge and floppy.  I'm not planning on any plastic surgery, I just don't think I want any more surgeries - I've had at least 15 in my life including one last week on my hand.

8/31/06

Well only 5lbs lost this month but I have lost one size.  I wear a size 12 now and I have 15lbs left to lose until I get to goal.  I actually think that I'm happy with my weight now, but I want to lose the extra weight so that I have some leeway for those 5lb gains that I'm sure will happen.  I have upped my calories to between 650 and 800 per day and I know I need to continue to increase them to the 1000-1200 range.  I worry about gaining, but my head says how can you gain on 1200 calories a day - *note to self - stop being so obessive.

7/31/06

Had to update today.  Holygrl72 fixed up my profile for me it looks great.  I'm now at 170 so I lost about 7 lbs this month I can't complain though I've never really had a plateau - my weight loss has slowed way down but I guess since I'm 20lbs away from goal it's to be expected.  Honestly as long as I never weigh more than I do today I'll be happy.

6/30/06

My weight now is 177.  I'm down 111 pounds.  It doesn't seem real.  How could I possibly have carried around 111 more pounds.  I feel good about myself for the first time in a long time.  I'm still very careful about what I eat, although I have my days.  For the most part I eat between 550 and 700 calories a day and I'm pretty satisfied.  Usually 1 week per month it seems that I can eat more so I'll allow myself up to 800 calories on those days.  Most of the time cravings are not a problem.  I have had some issues with chips though.   I still buy them for my husband.  I never really ate a lot of chips before but now, boy I have to be careful cause I really want FRITOS.  I had to throw them out last week because they kept taunting me "oh come and eat me I'm yummy".  I tossed those bitches right out!  Then I bought him salt and vinager chip because I don't like them.

6/2/06

May was a pretty good month with a total loss of 12 lbs.  I really haven't changed anything, I just think my body was just ready to give up some weight. 

5/26/06

Well this week I finally hit the century club and then lost 2more to boot for a total of 102 lost.  Its giving me renewed spirit to keep going.  I'm feeling good and I'm still hoping to make goal by my 1 year anniversary.  33 lbs to goal!!!

5/10/06

Things are pretty good.  I'm 8 mos and 2 days post op and have lost 97lbs.  I can't wait to hit 100 lost, could be a couple of weeks though with the slow weight loss.   I can't believe the change in my energy level - I'm on the move all the time, where before I left my house only when I had to.  I realize that I'm still heavy, but I'm more "normal" heavy if that makes sense?

4/25/06

April looks like another slow month with a 7 pound loss so far.  On the upside I'm down 92lbs all together which is great.  I weigh under 200 (196) and I fit into size 16 regular, large shirts and large sweat pants.  My energy level is so much better than BS (before surgery) and I can finally see a difference in myself. 

3/10/06

My weight loss has picked up again, I've lost 5.5lbs since 3/1, I will totally take it.   I have my 6mo check up scheduled for the 20th of this month - I'm anxious to see what my surgeon has to say about my weight loss and ulcers. 
Stuff at home is very strained, I'm kind of grouchie and a lot of things I normally don't say anything about bother me.  My husband is a screamer, I usually just walk away, but I went OFF this week when he yelled at me.  Then he has the nerve to say because I'm yelling back at him that I'm hysterical - what ever.  I'm just not gonna take it anymore.  It's been a lot of give and very little take but I'm taking a stand and it's his turn to give. 

3/3/06

Well Feb was not the losing month I had hoped for with a total loss of 6 lbs for the month.  Nothing changed as far as eating habit, calories etc, I'm pretty pleased with myself for sticking with it.  The scale finally moved more than a smidge today with a loss of almost 2lbs from yesterday, maybe the stall is over and my body is ready to give up some more weight. I'm down a total of 77.5lbs.

I had my follow up from my Endoscopy yesterday, I was still kind of out of it when they talked to me after.  They found 3 ulcers where the small intestine was connected to the new pouch.  They also found acid in my pouch.  They indicated that the acid could be from my gall bladder, I'm hoping not.  I really don't want to have it taken out.  My 6 month check up is the middle of the month, I guess I'll have to discuss with my surgeon.

2/13/06

I'm now 5 months out and down 73lbs.  I have 65 more to make goal.  Have had lots of issues eating, had an endoscopy they found "ulcerations" and esophagus spasms.  I also think that I've been too obsessive about calories, keeping them below 500.  I upped my intake by about 100 calories and hopefully it will help with the hair loss and slow weight loss.

12/06/05

It's been a while since I've updated.  I'm 3 months out and have lost 50 lbs.  The past two weeks have been bad, I've only lost 1 lb per week.  I'm a slow loser for sure!  I totally watch my carbs and calories, staying below 550 calories per day and 30 net carbs.

I'm starting to mourn food now.  I think it's because of the holidays.  Everyone is eating, and drinking and I don't know what to do with myself.  It's finally starting to sink in that this is permanent. 

9/23/05

Well I'm now two weeks out and other than being a little tired, I'm doing good.  I still sometimes wish I could eat certain things - I'm sure that's normal.  I don't really get a "full" sensation so I measure all of my food.  I'm probably getting in 45-50 oz of water per day and I eat 3-4oz of food 3-4 times a day.  I'm usually not really hungry either - strange.  Well so far I'm down 17 lbs, it's not the 30-40 lbs I've seen others lose, but it's okay.

9/6/05

Less than 2 days away from surgery now.  I'm a little anxious, not about the surgery but about after surgery.  I really haven't been able to sleep much.  Oh well, I'll have lots of time to rest after the surgery.  I'm all packed.  I picked up the last of what I think I'll need when I come home.  I won't know what time the surgery is scheduled for until tomorrow afternoon, I'm hoping it's not to late in the day, the earlier the better if you ask me.  Well this will be my last update until I get home.  Deep breath.....

8/29/05

10 days now.  I finally think I'm over the Last Supper Syndrome.  I ate myself sick yesterday.  I don't think that it was the quantity as much as it was just JUNK.  Yuck.  My tummy hurts and I've been in the bathroom 6 times! 

Now it's down to business.  I'm going to do high protein, low carb, no sugar until it's surgery time.  My Dr. doesn't require a pre-op diet, but I'm ready to start this journey today!!

My pre-op testing is on the 31st at 8:30 am.  I'm not sure what they do but they said that I could be there for a few hours.  It seems hard to believe that I'm just a few days away. 

8/22/05

17 days and counting.  I'm trying to get everything ready.  Stocking up on some after surgery food, beans, cream of wheat, cream soups crystal light.  I made sure that my hubby had a copy of my health care proxy.  I left it on his over the weekend dresser because I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it.  So, I casually asked him this morning if he saw it - he said yes and refused to talk anymore about it.  I just said that he'll be happy he has it if he needs it and left it at that.  I guess all that's left is packing my bag for the hospital.  That should take all of 5 minutes ........... nothing left to do but wait.................

8/11

Oh yeah I have a date.  September 8th.  I've been so anxious since I began this journey, that I know feel like a huge weight (no pun intented) has been lifted.  I have my pre-op exam on 8/31 at 8:30 am and that's it.  It's kind of strange not to have any other appointments, I've had to do so much these last couple of months. 

I'm really excited.  I'm not scared of the surgery itself, I've had so many in the past, the only concern I have is what am I going to eat after the surgery and will I lose weight.  I assume everyone has these worries so I'm just going to go with the flow. 

My husband has been pretty supportive, my daughter is worried, my best friend thinks I should reconsider because a co-worker of hers had the surgery in April and is STILL in the hospital.  I suspect that most of her issues are due to her diabetes.  I'm ready though.  I have been thin and I've been heavy.  I must say that I'm kind of tired of being treated like a second class citizen because of my weight and that is a driving force in this decision as well as health and comfort issues. 

So my journey continues, I can't wait to see how it turns out!

8/9/05

I'm still waiting for insurance approval.  I was hoping to know by now because my insurance co only takes about 48 hours to respond, but, I just talked to the surgeons office and they haven't submitted the paperwork.  (Of course I've called BCBS at least once a day since the 3rd).  Anyway, the surgeon will be submitting this week (I don't know which day) so I should know by the first of next week.  I'm really have no patience but I'm trying......deep breath...........................................................

8/2/05

I have a date!!!! September 8th.  Of course insurance approval must happen, so I still have to worry some.  But if all goes as planned, I'll be lookin' and feelin good for the holidays.

7/21/05

I got my one on one appt with my surgeon - yippeeeeeee ----- August 2 at 10am ----- one step closer to "the other side".

7/7/05

Met with nutritionist on 7/5.  Drove from Rochester New York to Sayre Pa just to get it done sooner and I'm actually glad I did.  The nutritionist (Faith McMahon) was great!  She really seems to know her stuff, right down to showing me how to check labels for "protein" that our bodies doesn't use.

I called Dr.Boss' office on 7/6 to let them know that I had done all my appts and was told that once they get the report from Faith that they'd call me for my one on one.  The nurse thinks I can probably get a surgery date late August, or September.  I also called my insurance company (Blue Choice Value) to see how long it takes for their approval process -- get this 2 DAYS - if it's true I like it.

Now it's time to hurry up and wait.

6/30/05

Looking forward to my nutritionist appt on 7/6.  Hopefully she'll get her report out to the surgeon and we can really get this ball rollin'.  I've only told family and a few friends that I plan on having the surgery and I'm getting some negative feedback from some, but I'm not going to let it influence me.  I just want to get these appts behind me and get a surgery date.

6/28/05

Okay, so much for Weight Watchers.  I've gained 3 pounds this week.  Now I'll rationalize - it's been in the 90's so it could be water weight.  I had my uterus removed (but not ovaries (sp)) so I could be pms'ing, I don't know.  I've stayed within my points???????  Maybe I'll just stay off the scale for a while it make me so depressed!!!

6/15/05

Had my group meeting on 6/15/05.  I'm very excited about moving forward now.  Dr. Boss is really nice - not hurried - answered everything in lay terms. I've been "practicing" chewing and slow eating and believe me I need the practice.  I can usually eat a 5 course meal in 10 minutes.

I also joined Weight Watchers and have lost 2 lbs this week - I'm ready to lose this weight (again) and keep it off (not like before).

6/03/05

A little about myself.  I'm 45, mother to a 22 year old daughter and stepmom to 11 and 13 year old boys.  This is the second marriage for both my husband and I.  It's been a rough couple of years for us and I am an emotional eater.  I've gained at least 90 lbs since we met in 2000 YUCK! 

In 1990 I weighed about 150, I'm okay with that, I wear a size 10-12 at that weight.  By 1995 I weighed 217 yup 217, what was I thinking.  So once again I hit the weight watchers meetings with a mission - GET THIN FOR GOOD.  I did get thin, actually I was told more than once that I was too thin - I weighed about 115 and wore a size 4.  Basically, I ate about 500 calories a day and did aerobics for an hour a day. So that was my life obsessing about food but not eating it - until I met my now husband in 2000.  It's been down hill ever since.  This is a man that does not eat vegetables, fish or pasta.  He eats fast food and more fast food.  It's not a meal to him or the boys unless it has french fries.  Now, I'm now blaming anyone but myself, but I joined in.  I think a lot of it was because I didn't feel like making 2 seperate meals so I just ate what they ate - fast forward to now - the heaviest I've ever been and to top it off I quit smoking in February after being diagnosed with COPD -

Over the past year and a half I have tried to get this weight off - Atkins - 9 mos lost 40 lbs.  Quit smoking, put it all back on.  Tried Southbeach, lost NOTHING.  Now on Weight Watchers on line (this is my second week) hoping to lose 10-15lbs before surgery. 

I had my psyc eval.  Group meeting will be on 6/15/05 and nutritionist on 7/5/05.

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