mfgdeux
03/17/2007- I'm a 26 year old female living in Nashville, TN. I've always been overweight my whole life. Okay, check that. I started out underweight but when I was 8 I started gaining and didn't stop. Now I'm 26 and the only good thing I can say is I'm not at my heaviest. Well, the last couple months I've been bad and not wanting to look at the scale.
Needless to say I'm embarressed by the way I look and not only that I am embarressed that I can't do things that other people can. Just simple things like walk for more than 20 minutes. Which this is an improvement from not being able to walk more than 5 minutes without my back hurting like crazy. I moved from Oregon to nashville in 2005 to go to school for music business. I know what a lot of people think at school. Her, thinking she has a shot to be involved in the music business? I don't think so. Truth be told that's my thoughts too, but I got a job at a company that has good insurance. And finally, I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
So for the last 9 months i've been getting tests and evaluations done for pre-op to get surgery. The only thing that is really hindering me is that my surgeon said it is too risky to have the DS surgery lap at my weight because i hold my weight in my upper abdomen. So he gave me 3 choices: 1. I can lose 50 pounds and then go from there, 2. do it openly instead of lap, or 3. do the surgery in two stages. Well, I definitely don't want it open, too many risks. My insurance won't cover 2 stages, so the only choice is to lose the 50. Boy it's so hard. I've tried the atkins, phentermine, you name it. I lost 29 pounds. But then I got a car and stopped walking in the morning and in the afternoon to the bus stop. I drive everywhere. And because I go to school adn work full-time, i'm using that as an excuse to eat fast food. I know, so bad. I hate it. So I've decided tomorrow morning i will start using my little gym at my apartment complex. If anyone reads this wants to encourage me I need all I can.
I have waited so long for this. it seems the only thing standing in my way is the 50 pounds. I mean, I was hoping to have the surgery done on spring break. Spring break has passed. I could've been on the losing side now. I think it's my fear. I don't think I deserve to be thin. I really think I'm afraid of someone loving me. and thin people (even ugly thin people) all have someone sometimes, so I think I'm afraid that when i lose the weight and someone likes me, I will be resentful that they only like me for my looks. It's a horrible thought and not worth it to not be healthy. I mean i know I need to lose this weight because I am so unhealthy it's unbelievable. Grant it i know I should be worse off, for there are people who weigh less than me and have diabetes and heart problems. I'm lucky, the worse thing I have is sleep apnea and limited mobility. But WLS will definitely help it. I just need someone to motivate me because without accountability, I'm afraid I'll never get this done. I have an appointment in Charlotte, NC on april 9th. These will be for the last 3 evaluations and test then send in all the information to the insurance company. who knows, by mid may when schools over I can have surgery... I just keep praying. Lord Jesus, I pray to help me in this journey and it's something you want for me-Amen. I will keep updating as time goes on.
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