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Obesity Help was where my journey started.  I used to frequent this site hours each and every day: reading stories, looking at the inspirational before/after photos on the front page, sharing all about my experiences and gleaning from the experience of others.  I've not been here in a very long time.  I guess Ive gotten so used to my new life, put the past behind me and didn't really have a reason to come back.  However, occasionally I get a friend request on OH with someone asking if I still have my blog (which I quit writing a few years back).  Today I decided... maybe its time to return to the place it all started.  I could use the support and have issue(s) of my own to share.  

One of the biggest things I've dealt with over the past few years is reactive hypoglycemia.  And, my Insulin Resistance returned.  Remember when your doctors told you that weight loss surgery would cure diabetes, PCOS, Metabolic Syndrome/Insulin Resistance?  Well...  guess what.  Studies are now showing that those conditions usually return within 5-6 years.  It's more of a "remission" for lack of better terms...  My blood sugar was crashing within 2 hours of eating a meal.  I had to eat something to get it back up, and it was a vicious cycle of feeling lousy all the time.  I felt just like I did just prior to my weight loss surgery (same issues occurred back then).  Eat a meal + 2 hours later = crash.  My doctor put me on Victoza a few weeks ago.  Thing seem to be leveling out.  I'm feeling better, more alert, less fatigued, even my anxiety has somewhat been alleviated.  

The biggest thing that upsets me is this:  I have known all along that those medical conditions I had prior (PCOS, Metabolic Syndrome/Insulin Resistance) could return.  I kept a close watch on it for a number of years.  But, looking back at my weight tracker (which goes back to 2006), I identified weight gain occurring in October 2013.  This past year or so I've felt lousy.  I tried to tell my physician last year that I thought something was going on with my PCOS or Insulin Resistance.  But, he said go see the nutritionist. We will start there, and if that doesn't help, we will do something natural.  I guess he didn't want me taking Metformin or other drugs.  I should have pushed the issue sooner.  (If you read farther back in my OH blogs, you will see that I truly believe PCOS and Insulin Resistance was a tremendous reason I was obese).  I know I was eating more - as a nurse friend explained to me, not only did I have to eat more frequently in order to get my blood sugar up after a crash, but when the insulin does not make it to the glucose, your body feels like it is being starved to death.  So, I was eating larger portions as well (still, they were not "regular people" portions).  The insulin wasn't utilized or used, which resulted in being stored around my midsection.  REPEAT OF A PREVIOUS LIFE BEFORE WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!

Victoza is helping me not feel hungry.  I feel better that my portions are now like they were a year after my weight loss surgery.  I feel full all the time.  I don't crave breads, bagels, pasta.  I am not having to eat so frequently or as much.  So what do I want to have you take away from this story?  Please, if you have a medical condition, please continue to monitor it.  See your doctor before gaining all the weight back.  I am so thankful that I was 163 and not 251 as I previously was.  I am now back down to 154 in just a few weeks. 

Part of my "home coming" is to help me continue this next phase of my journey.  Maybe I forgot that it's a journey - a lifelong one...  and somewhere I thought I had reached my destination.

It's been a VERY long time since I've posted on OH.  After I lost my weight, I was still very active here.  And I always wondered where the old timers had gone.  And now, I realize that they were probably out enjoying the new life that they worked so hard to obtain.  That is where I've been the past few years.  

I got married.  Changed jobs.  Moved a few times.  Grew up.  Gained weight.  Then lost weight.  And gained weight.  Then lost weight.   Just your average normal things that everyone else does.  Are you confused?  Well, let me explain.  

I remember the honeymoon period after my surgery.  I brainwashed myself into thinking that I would never eat another carb again!  I would never gain another pound.  And those lost pounds were surely gone forever!  My lowest was 116 lbs.  My highest since then has been 148 pounds (151 if you want to count the week of my period but I don't count that).  

For the past 6 years of being on OH, I've read things like this: "I've gained 30 pounds; I'm such a failure!"  Or, "I've started eating carbs; I feel like I've failed the surgery!"  So, I've gained weight.  But, I've also lost some too.  I don't feel like a failure.  I feel bad about myself when I can't get my clothes on, and that is always a strong indicator that it's time to DO something proactive.  And so I go on a diet or the plan that I've chosen that particular month to get off the excess.  But, my routine weight remains steady most of the time for several years at 140-142.  I like that weight.   If I can stay there, I'm pretty generally happy.  There've been times i tried to lose back down to 130, but it was just so hard.  And I asked myself:  why?  I love my clothes.  I fit in them well.  I don't want to keep going up and down like a yo-yo, buying clothes, giving clothes away or stashing them in places I need for OTHER things...  and then buying clothes again.  

Anyway, so I think I've gained and lost the same 10 lbs about two hundred and fifty times.  (Which from what I have observed in thin and average size women, is NORMAL).  The past few weeks though, my size 8s have really been cutting me.  I think this is the limit for me.  I had let things get a little too far this time and decided to go back to basics with my friend.  And, sometimes in life it's good for us to return to the past, things, places and people that had a life altering impact on us.  Therefore, I came back to where my journey started:  OH.  

It's good to be here.  Good to read of others who have done well on their journey, others who are just starting (who can REMIND me of the basics cause its easy to forget), and to read of those who have regain and are working hard to lose it because those are my allies.  It's good to be back.  

I have some thoughts on my brain today. Its been an interesting journey over the past 15 mos. I started out scared to death that this thing might not work for ME... what if I was the only person that still had a huge appetite and a stomach the size of a large thumb? I'd be in trouble! Or, what if I didn't lose weight because something was wrong with me? Then after losing 135 lbs, my fears did not go away... they just changed to another question: "What if I gain it all back?" As I approached the time for plastic surgery, I questioned "Am I ready for plastics? Will my insurance pay for it? What will I look like? What procedures do I need?" So many questions... And it has made me realize... we are all on the same road... the same journey... its just that we all may be at different locations... or at different bends in the road. One thing that remains constant, however, is that we are all ON THE JOURNEY... and I must re-emphasize this to myself...

Then I got a plastic surgery date.. Wow. Everyone was elated. I was excited. I was at a fork in the road, ready to part from the path that everyone else in our forum was at... I never realized it would make me sad and depressed. No one that I knew from our forum had been through this, no one that I could glean insight from... no support... I never realized that I was uneducated about what my body was about to experience... about how I would actually GAIN weight, feel so fat that it wasn't even funny... and if you look at my four week pictures, you will see that I was larger than a week after surgery. The clothes that fit on the day of surgery didn't fit me three weeks after surgery... I had to wear 3 sizes higher, which were borrowed from my mother... a sick joke I say... A sick joke to play on a gastric bypass patient who is already very much afraid of gaining her weight back...

A few months agoI started to feel like my journey had ended. I felt left out at the luncheons. (Not because I wasn't talking to anyone, or they weren't' talking to me... had nothing to do with that! Everyone has always been very friendly and kind!) Hang with me here though... I considered not coming to any more. I looked around the room, everyone was stunning and had lost MORE weight... I had lost none. Everyone was changing their clothing sizes. I still remained the same. I could see facial differences, people changing their hair, their bone structures looked thinner, and I stayed the same. I felt left out. Heck I couldn't even dig through the boxes of clothes anymore... no one brought clothes to fit me. Maybe I was at the end of my journey. Maybe I had done everything there was to do. Like a baseball player who had played his best, accomplished his dreams, but now must go on with life, perhaps it was time for me to realize that my weight loss journey had come to its end. You have to remember that for over a year, my focus and goal was to reach a certain weight... to lose as much as possible... just as everyone else... and for that goal to be met, what was I to do with myself? (It's like graduating from high school or college, then saying "Ok, what now?", only I didn't get a piece of parchment paper with a gold seal and the signatures of authorized gastric bypass professionals saying I could go on to the next step. Instead, it was like graduating and never getting to walk the line to get the degree and putting closure to it).

Four months pass after plastic surgery... and finally! I see the results from the plastic surgery that I was looking for ALL along! I realized, I can get this quick result from plastic surgery! Look at those legs! I could get them fixed... what about my breasts? Wow, a breast augmentation would change that instantly! And the arms... while only a little saggy... probably won't go for the arm lift, but wow it would sure look great... then you start to examine every nook and cranny... wondering what can I fix? How can that be made better? And it can seem like a fixation or obsession with one's body....

I've never been the pretty one... the thin one... I've always been the fat one... I didn't get my first boyfriend until the late nineties... I had to wait ten years and 131 lbs of weight loss to get another one... obesity stole a lot from me. Or, maybe I handed it over all too willingly... but for me, in my eyes, obesity did this... and now, I have a chance to reclaim every single thing that obesity stole. My health is better... which is the main reason for my surgery. I am not on all the medicines that i used to be on... my depression from being obese is gone... when I used to take 2 anti depressants a day before wls...

While I had surgery for my health, now I walk the road of the journey for ME. I can be stingy, or selfish if I want to... for all my life it was always about doing nice things for others, helping other people out, because that's how I tried to make people like me... but now, I dont have to make anyone like me... I am simply trying to live my life and get back everything that has been kept from me... Life is great.... I am with someone that I love... I can fit into small clothes.... I can go into any Goodwill and find some great bargains and not worry whether or not they have clothes large enough to fit me...

And to end this long winded insight, I will end by saying that I promised one thing... to be honest all throughout this journey. I would not lie, I would not mask feelings, or hide things. Because, somewhere along the way, someone may need to know that its' ok to feel these things... they may need some assurance that what they are feeling and experiencing is normal, healthy, and expected. I've seen the therapist. He assures me once again, I'm ahead... I'm doing fine... and in areas which might appear unbalanced, just give it some time...

Today I posted on the Plastic Surgery forum and voiced some of my frustrations and feelings.  I gained reassurance that this is normal...  and may spend a little more time hanging out with folks who have been further down the road of the journey than myself... for in doing, there is more insight and support to be gained....

Today I visited my therapist... just to make sure I am staying balanced and mentally healthy.  I asked Tim to go with me in order to give an accurate assessment of where I seem to be at this point in my journey.  I shared with Dr. O'Bryan the struggles over the past few months since my plastic surgery, and of the need/desire to have more surgery to correct minor flaws...  at the time, I didn't think they were minor flaws.  To me, they appeared to be huge.  But the more I dealt with my fears, emotions and the reality of having more surgery, I was able to reconcile the fact that it isn't life threatening and I don't have to be perfect.

I have said it many times...  all I ever promised myself throughout this journey is that I would be honest and tell the truth...  share my experience.  And as I learned long ago, no one has a right to tell me how to feel, think or act.  I am my own person...  and the more I travel this journey, the more I realize that I don't understand or know the "thin me".  I look in the mirror and there is a skinny face and body staring back.  Sometimes I expect her to say "who are you?"  And at times, I want to ask her, "No, who are YOU?"  

Much has changed in my life since having wls.  I am happy and try my best to maintain health and happiness.  Yet, I have come under scrutiny by recent comments about loathing my body, and seeing things about myself that I would like to change.  People may look at me and say, "You have so much to be thankful for.  You are a size 4 on a BAD day..."  Well and to that I say, "You have not traveled this part of the road in the journey yet..."  

Perhaps in a few weeks or months, you will travel this part of the road.  Maybe then you will understand my remarks and feelings toward myself.  Plastic surgery really did some tricks on my mind...  it helped me see that "instant" result that can occur and it can be addictive... wanting the same "instant result" all over in areas that remain unchanged.  For example, where the hanging skin once was, there is a flat tummy (yet there remains a deep red scar all the way across my front, a small price to pay).  And, where I see saggy skin on my stomach where no one else can see because pictures hide a lot, and because its worse when I bend over or try to put clothes on, I think "I hate that!  Why can't I lose more weight to get it to go away?  Or, why can't I exercise to tone it up?"  Then the doctor tells me that its loose SKIN and gives me a reality check... Melinda, you cannot erase the visible signs, all signs, that you were obese once..  welll, not once, but for what seemed FOREVER...  But you know what I mean...

Some might think I'm overly fixated on my body.  Perhaps.  But at this point in my journey, I'm entitled.  I speak the things from my heart that I think and feel...  that's all I ever said I would do...  because somewhere, someone along this turn or bend in the road will read my words... and they will relate to them... and say FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!  

So let me be "me"...  let me feel what I feel...  let me struggle through this on my own, and let it be OK that I do so...  without saying hurtful words... even though you may not understand RIGHT NOW what place I am...  for hopefully someday soon you will be there too...  having met your goal and at the place of needing plastics...  and you can find your own way too...  and I will be OK with the fact that you must struggle through some things as well.  But know that we are on the same journey... yet different places at this moment.  Some day we will both have experienced the same things.

And as a conclusion, the therapist says I am experiencing normal thoughts and feelings, and processing the data accordingly.  There is a level of impatience that I stress myself with, but as I learn to take things in stride, that will become better.  And, he assures me that I am actually ahead of the game...  where it takes some people two years to be, I have come in just a short time... But in my heart of hearts, I already knew that...  it helps to hear it from a mental health professional! Haha

Today I had a plastic surgery consult with Dr. Donald Griffin.  It was regarding breast implants.  Of course, I don't keep much from my gastric bypass friends! This subject is no different.  I had a breast reduction in 2005 (thank goodness) and now after losing 130+ lbs, I have nothing left!  It looks like the air has been let out of my two tires. 

That's not the reason for this blog, however.  While I was there, I asked him about the trouble pocket on my left middle tummy area.  If you look at my pre-tummy tuck pics, you will see on my left side, under my breast, a puffy fat area.  Well now, this has been pulled down to my mid tummy.  I wanted to know... is it fat?  Loose skin?  Can it be lipo'd? Should I have gotten cut up and down my tummy when I got the abdominoplasty procedure? 

He basically said that because of my obesity, the skin was stretched out.  Nothing can make it spring back.  I knew that.  You knew that.  Heck we ALL knew that!  He said that its not worth cutting and redoing the tummy tuck, or the long vertical scar on my tummy.  He could go in to a loose skin area on my hip where the scar stops and go up and remove some "stuff" but it will still look and feel "jiggly" as he put it. 

So this is it.  I know what it is now.  Its not fat.  There is nothing that will cure it.  No amount of working out.  No surgery.  He said basically there is no perfect fix.  I'm stuck with paying the price to my stupidity and unwillingness to take care of myself.  I want to shout it from the mountaintop, from the rooftop, from any top I can reach... "Don't let your children become obese!  Don't let yourself become obese!"  It's not worth it.  There are too many repercussions that we must live with...  yes you can always lose weight, but that doesn't mean your body will physically rebound back to its original shape.

Now as for the breast implants... no decision on this yet.  I have some things to consider...  finances, and the possibility that there will be future surgeries involved.  When you lose weight, and have had a reduction, sometimes you must go back for revisions either because the nipple skin needs corrected, or some stitching needs to be done to hold the implants in place.  I might just buy bigger padded bras! lol

I have pulled my "before tummy tuck" pictures out and asked Tim if he could scan them.  I hope to have them up on my site by the end of this week.  In reviewing them next to my current 4 mos. postop pics, all I can say is "Wow." 

Previously I could not find the "before" pics that Dr. Hueneke had given me (on a piece of paper).  Therefore, I only had a mental memory of what they looked like.  And, you know how that is...  it always looks better in your mind than it does in real life... 
My conclusion is:  I am happy with the results. 

Another thing that I want to reflect on for a moment is how wonderful it is to go clothes shopping.  When I was FAT, I had to settle for what fit me... not what I liked, or looked nice, or sexy.  I mean, come on, how sexy can a size 22-24 be?  Have you seen those tent dresses that they make for plus sizes?  You know what I'm talking 'bout... don't pretend to NOT know! lol.  But now, I can gather up a ton of clothes and take into the dressing room, and the ones I buy are the ones that I CHOOSE.  They don't CHOOSE me...  I CHOOSE THEM! What a wonderful feeling... 

The NSV's (non scale victories) don't stop just because you met your weight loss goals.  Even now, I can try on a different style of dress and there in the mirror, a skinny version of the old me peers back... oh she's pretty, I think.  Oh she's thin.  She's... ME!  That's me?! Holy moly!  That young thin lady is ME! Hot dang!  Gotta love this weight loss life!

On another note, I'm still learning more about ME.  I'm still insecure and afraid of many things.  Life is new to me right now... so many "firsts" and hopefully no "lasts" except the last of my plus size clothing days!  That's all I have to say for now...  love this journey I'm on!

As a child, I remember watched the movie "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens.  This is a story of a wealthy elder who is bitter and has a negative attitude towards life.  He is visited by 3 spirits, Christmas Past, Present, and Future.  This inspiring story takes its readers on a journey from Ebenezer's past, present and future life's events and how they have and continue to shape his ideas.

This Christmas, I have some reflections of my own Christmas', past, present, and future.  I hope it will inspire, encourage and give hope that regardless of what point in life you may be at, situations can change.  Where darkness or hopelessness now dwells, light and the glimmer of a brighter tomorrow can shine through.

PAST - December in the 90's
My church held a Christmas party each year.  It was a very "dress up" occasion...  My best friend Stacy was at her smallest weight. Her mother made her a size 4 red dress, long with a split up the back. It was beautiful. She wore her hair up in a sweep with ringlets surrounding her face. I wore a red dress that year as well. Seemed like even though we had no idea what the other was going to wear, we always ended up in the same color... (one Easter we both wore light pink and navy, totally coincidental). However, my dress was much different than hers. I was spiraling upwards and outwards in a size 20 dress. My dress would be considered "grannified" to a girl in her mid to late 20's. I was unable to wear a sexy, stylish dress like Stacy because I was fat. I wore what I could find in my size, not what looked good. After all, it doesn't matter WHAT you wear when you are overweight... you still look fat cause you ARE fat. That red granny dress to this day represents my life at its worst... wanting something better for myself, yet settling with what I had to....

December 2006 Two months after gastric bypass surgery. I started out as a size 22-24 in October 2006, and by Christmas I was down to a size 18-20. My parents and I had gone shopping at Goody's and there on a mannequin was a beautiful red dress with a silver rhinestone studded circle at the breast area. I looked everywhere for a larger size, but all the dresses in that style were gone. Only the one on the mannequin remained. My father made the statement "You should get that dress." I quickly stated "No, I couldn't wear that..." He insisted on buying the dress for me, and I soon had a cashier pulling the last dress off of the manequin. A few days later, my parents presented the dress to me in front of the entire family, my niece, nephews, siblings and their spouses. Mother quieted them all and made a "formal" presentation. She stated that this was a special present, and though I would not be able to use it immediately, she fully anticipated me using it by Christmas of the next year. I pulled the red dress out of the box. My nephew made the statement, "She'll never be able to wear that!" But it didn't upset me when he made the statement.  In my heart, I wanted to shout "Yes its true! I won't ever be able to wear this..." I wanted to believe... yet there were still doubts in the back of my ever human mind... I never vocalized those doubts to anyone. I just kept on the journey, one day at a time, chuggin along... hoping, praying, wishing... This red dress represented something I always wanted... something I dreamt about... it became the ultimate vision of a goal fulfilled.

Every month since then, I have tried on the red dress that my parents gave me.  Thank God it was stretchy material! In August 2007, I had a tummy tuck. I tried the dress on prior to having the procedure, and there it was for all the world to see... my gross hanging skin/fat panni. It was the only thing that prevented me from wearing my beautiful red dress. I will admit, it made me HATE and LOATHE my body. I felt like a failure because my goal of one day wearing that dress was not met. I would never feel comfortable in wearing it with my body like this. September, one month after my tummy tuck, I tried the dress on again. I was still so swollen, I resolved the fact that I would never be able to wear it comfortably... I hid it away in the back of the closet.

PRESENT - December 2007 
As I was hanging up clothes last week, I "happened" upon it... just in time for Christmas.... I don't believe in "coincidence"... that red dress was neatly tucked away for a specified time when I needed it the most... for a time when depression tried to settle upon my head once again due to an "imperfect body". I pulled it from the hanger and limp in my hand I wandered with the notion as to whether or not to try it on again... did I want to meet failure as I already felt discouraged, or would it boost my spirits if it actually fit? I lifted the dress over my head, and stepped in front of the mirror. Oh My! No more hanging panni! The dress hung straight down as it was created to do... I almost cried. Then I walked into the living room for Tim's remarks. He didn't know the importance of the red dress and what it symbolized in my life and weight loss journey. I asked, "What do you think about this dress?" He said, "It's almost too big!" With my padded bra and gel breast inserts, however, most assuredly it would fit just perfect...

Christmas morning, 2007, one year after being presented the red dress, I took special care in getting ready for our family get together... I used to put on a sweat suit or jeans and tshirt or sweat shirt for our Christmas gatherings.... but this year, I spent over an hour doing hair, makeup, hey I even shaved my legs for the occasion! lol. And then... I slipped the red dress over my head... I almost cried. There she was... in the mirror... a reflection of a little version of me that I always wanted to be...

I got to my parents before anyone else... wearing my winter coat even though it wasn't THAT cold.... and I made my parents sit down on the sofa for the unveiling. Tim took their picture to capture their reactions...When I took the coat off, my mother came over and hugged me and said, "That's exactly how I envisioned you to look when I bought the dress..."

FUTURE - hope for us all
Here's the truth of the matter: Each and every one of us have a RED DRESS story... maybe its the first time we go to the store and don't have to shop in the plus size section... or maybe instead of buying a 24, we get to buy a 14... or when we leave double digit sizes for a single digit size 8... so many stories can be told. I have read stories that just reach out, grab my heart and tug on it really hard til my tears flow out... and ya know all during my journey it made me NOT QUIT. Keep on keepin' on, like I always say... I am thankful that I have weight loss surgery friends that I can glean and learn from. Yes sometimes its hard... we stall, get frustrated, think the weight loss journey is at its end... then suddenly the scales start to move once again...

And there stand our naysayers... saying things like "I know someone who gained all their weight back..." Or, "You shouldn't have ever had that surgery..." Or, better yet, "You took the easy way out...." (Sometimes those thoughts got the best of me....) While my nephew who made the statement was not there this Christmas, everyone remembered his words. My response was the same as it was on the board... there is a valuable lesson. NEVER say NEVER, and a lot can change in just one year.... This was a Christmas to remember. So many times people take life for granted. To me, my life has just begun. LIFE IS GOOD.... Savor each moment.

Sometimes you just gotta repent and get it over with.  Be done with it.  So here it is... my "Come to Jesus" meeting.  Lately I have been making some poor food choices.  Now that my hanging skin is gone, I think I should be able to eat normal.  The weight is gone, and I should be able to treat myself.  Right?  (Well, good try, but the answer is 'WRONG'!) 

So let's start with the straw that broke the camels back...  a vendor had brought in some "baddies" (aka goodies, but they are not so good for me so I will refer to them as "baddies" lol) and loaded up a desk drawer.  I found myself really wanting something out of that drawer... just the fact that it was forbidden to me... and it kept calling my name.  "Melinda, come see what I have inside."  It didn't help that I was on my period and wanted CHOCOLATE, which I don't eat.

At the end of the day, I grabbed a bag of M&Ms and secretly put them in my purse.  I felt like I was committing a crime, but it was only committing a crime against myself, my own body.  After all, it was a public free for all treat drawer...  so on the way home from work, I began to eat when I was alone in the car.  No support group members to gasp, "Oh my God!"  No co-worker who knew I had gastric bypass to say "I thought you weren't supposed to have sugar!?"  No mother around saying "Melinda, you're gonna gain all your weight back!"  No one to say a single word.  No one but me.  And my dang pouch... and IT always tells on me!

Slowly I ate them, one by one...  then two by two...  then I let them melt in my mouth.  Oh God was I in heaven. I will not lie.  They tasted so good.  Til half the pack was gone.  I was driving home, and I thought "What if I got sick?  I'm in heavy traffic."  But I began to reason it out...  I've eaten half a pack, and nothing has happened.  Maybe just eat a few more.  Then I had eaten 3/4 pack.  Ok, just one or two more...  that's it.  I will throw them out the window.  Then I thought, Ok there's only 3 left.  Or it felt like it through the waxxy paper.  I reasoned it again, if I've eaten this many, I can have the 3 remaining.  Only, there were 5 left! So of course I ate the other 2!

While I didn't throw up, or get diarrhea, I didn't feel up to par the rest of the night.  I spent it laying on the couch watching tv cause I felt punified.  I did come home and confess to Tim, guess what I did?  And he just shook his head in disbelief.  But, not judging me because after all, I am an adult and I'm the one who will suffer with the physical pain from my decision. 

So I decided...  I haven't been doing so good on my eating.  I have de-carbed the house best I can (my bad food was from OUTside the house, not within).  So I have made a conscious decision to do better...  not beat myself up and continue on in the self destructive eating that I would have done prior to surgery...  realize today is a new day and I can make fresh, healthy choices today which will help it be easier tomorrow... 

I wasn't going to share it with anyone.  But decided it was best to be held accountable...  knowing that I had to face my peers with the poor choices.  Plus, there is a nagging fear, a scary nightmare, that I will gain all my weight back.  I want to keep it a nightmare...  I don't want it to be reality. 

Tim and I went to Fort Lauderdale for the BE event. I haven't made it home yet but have posted pics. We had a wonderful time, both with the group and on our own...  we used this time as a mini vacation along with meeting many of my online bariatric support friends.  

I must add, I never got to attend prom in high school.  I have never gotten dressed up in a fancy dress but this was my weekend...  !!  I purchased my size 4 dress (with the help of Susan, Shelia and Kym) PRE tummy tuck and only hoped and prayed that it would look like I wanted it to when this night came...  I was not disappointed.  At the end of the evening, reflecting over the events, I could not help but be emotional.  I was the queen of my own ball.  And for that, I was happy.  It took a year...  and over 130 lbs of weight loss...  but Melinda (me... lil ole me) got to be the belle of the ball...   Not only that, I had the most handsome date with me...  

Someone this weekend used Oprah's question:  "Are you living the best life ever?"  And to that, my answer can finally be "Yes.  Yes I am."

Ok, so I finally took the time to upload my pictures...  9 weeks and 2 days after my tummy tuck and muscle wall repair.  I will be honest.  I look at them and think "God my body is so ugly!"  I see stretch marks that I didn't even know were there...  since seeing them I have used my "lotion" faithfully in hopes to cause them to diminish.  I see how fat I am and can only hope there is still some kind of swelling and its not "real skin or fat".  I think I have some real body dysmorphic issues.  It does not look to me like a size 4.  More like a size 8 or 10!  But like others, I post them so that others can get an idea of what surgery is like.  Hope it helps.