McPoet

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 Feeling super excited...and scared.  

I'm not really afraid of the surgery.  I know that I have an excellent surgeon.  He's not much on bedside manner, but he more than makes up for it with skill (I'm told).  That is more importanat to me.  Besides, I believe that when it's your time, it's your time.

This night is the hardest to get through.  Where I didn't want any of the food we have in the kitchen yesterday, today, after having broth for lunch and several cups of coffee and tea, I want to EAT SOMETHING!!  But, I'm keeping in mind my new life, and so I will not touch anything but this cup of tea next to me.

Maybe I can busy myself with packing my bag.

 I'm on the countdown.  Found good lists for what to stock the house with and what to pack for my hospital stay.  Going shopping tomorrow for comfortable hospital gear and other things.  Excited!

 I went for my pre-screening today.  I think I'm beginning to believe it's actually going to happen.  A part of me has been waiting for the proverbial "other shoe" to fall.  So, when it didn't "drop" today at my appointment, I mean, everything actually went as it should have gone, I wasn't quite sure how to respond.  Should I cheer?  Should I shout for joy?

All I could do was... breathe.

 I'm still accepting it as truth.  All of the hurdles I've crossed to get to this point.  Six months of food journaling.  Yo-yoing with my weight.  Worrying about every morsel I put in my mouth.  Shoot, worrying about every morsel I thought about putting in my mouth.  I don't have to do that anymore.  I don't have to "worry" about it anymore.

Don't get me wrong.  I know that I'm going to have to continue to work hard.  Truthfully, I don't want to ever give up the great feeling I get when I work out.  Love the pain of the weights.  I can also see the glutton I have been.  Last weekend I sat down to breakfast with a friend at Friendly's and was taken aback by the amount of food on my plate.  The same amount of food that just months ago I would not have given a second thought to finishing (short of licking the plate).  There is a change in me... a real change.

But this other thing.  Worrying about my nutritionist not clearing me because I've failed to lose enough weight.  Worrying that the nurse would red flag me because the scale says I've gained 3 pounds (even though the measuring tape says I've lost an inch around my neck and a half inch around each leg).  Worrying that I will manage to give the wrong answer during one of the questioning sessions (therapist and the medical assistant).  Stressed and worried beyond belief.

So, yeah...all I did was breathe... a HUGE sigh of relief. 
Next stop...surgery day. SIX days and counting....

 I received an approval letter from my insurance carrier today!  Hurray!!!  I have my pre-op meetingnext week, and my surgery is scheduled for May 21st.  Two weeks.  I'm so excited and nervous.  The glass is half empty part of me is so afraid that something will go wrong.  Fingers crossed.

 I met with my nutritionist for the 6th month, and I have been cleared!!!!

I was very worried, but I also worked really hard.  I joined a gym, and enlisted the assistance of a trainer, and I've been doing the damn thing!  Waiting for them to check on my paper work and test results, and then I can schedule an appointment with my surgeon.  Beginning to feel like it's going to happen.  

 Going for month #5 tomorrow.  I have worked hard this month.  Walking and exercising and sweating... I sure hope the scale is my friend.  So ready for a change.

 Feeling like crying lately.  In a few days, I go for my 5 month Nutritional visit.  I was put on a six month "plan" and I was hoping that I could schedule a surgery date for my 6th month.  I guess that isn't going to happen.  I haven't been on the scale because I'm afraid of what I'll see.

For the last two visits, I'd gained weight.  I also quit smoking at the same time that I gained these extra 10 pounds.  I was hoping that someone would take that into account, but it seems that it doesn't matter to anyone but me.

 Had an argument with a couple of coworkers today.  Both women are thin, and complain about not being able to gain any weight.  They have always wanted bigger legs and hips, but they "just can't gain any weight."  I made the mistake of sharing with one of them my intentions on having bypass surgery.  Never mind the pain in my back, the pain in my arthritic knees and ankles, never mind my being on three different medications for my high blood pressure, and another med for high cholesterol, never mind not being able to sleep through the night, etc.  They think I look good with the extra weight.  "Just exercise to tone up."  
I wanted to scream!!!  I hate that the first thing people do is assume that I don't already exercise, or that I don't know how to lose weight.  I've been there and done that.  I've lost and gained, lost and gained, lost and gained.

**Deep breath**

I am on a  life change.  I am determined to do what is best for me.  Baby steps is the key this time.  I'm slowly working my way towards more vigorous exercises.  I'm up to 30 minutes on the treadmill. (Yes, even though you don't see me at the gym, I am still doing something for me -- in private right now -- at home.)  I am eating healthy.  Actually keeping a food journal that has forced me to take an honest look at my eating habits, and now I'm making more conscience choices.

I've decided to stop sharing my news with everyone, because "everyone" does not know what is best for me.  From now on, this is between me, my doctor, and this blog-journal.

 I just went to add some pre-surgery pictures of myself so that I could have a comparison shot for later.  I was shocked to see that I had no body shots to choose from. It seems that at a certain point I just stopped taking pictures or allowing anyone to take pictures of anything below my shoulders.

Since my last doctor's visit, I was given contact information for the lap-band surgery.  I made the calls I needed to make, gave my information, and am now waiting to receive the information packet from the surgeon's office.  I was excited.  Finally something to help me lose the weight.  Then I spoke with me friend who just had the surgery last month.  She told me that people are usually denied the first time out by their insurance companies.  This is disappointing.  I've weighed this (no pun intended) for years. I was always afraid that I didn't weigh enough. Ha! Well, it turns out that isn't an issue.

Four days later, I'm chomping at the bit to get the information packet.  I'm anxious to attend the seminar.  I am ready to begin  anew.  At the same time, after lurking around this site, I am afraid.  But willing.