MarciaJ

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I'm in the bow, my cousin Kevin is in the stern. He has loads of experience, so he's driving. Man, it was such a rush. Who knew adrenaline was SO GOOD!

So, surely this update should have been months ago, but it wasn't.  So, let's do a reader's digest update - last you heard from me I had a wound.  It healed up completely at the beginning of April and there has been no stopping me since then.  As soon as I nolonger had daily nursing, I could return to work full-time.  It is definitely great to get back to a normal routine.  I can't begin to tell you how not feeling or being able to act "normally" was getting me down.  The nuisance of the wound, the not knowing when it was going to be over, was just so mentally tiring, that I didn't feel like I could even expend the energy to feel happy. 

In May, I got some kind of "stomach" bug which sent me to the local ER. It was scary to say the least and not without its' frustrations dealing with doctors/nurses who have no idea what you are talking about when you explain your WLS.  I even brought my binder of information and at first the ER doctor said, "What makes you think this has anything to do with your surgery?"  Well, duh Dr. - I'm having intense abdominal pain, lethargy, diahrea. I'm dehydrated and my BP is low.  I recently had major abdominal surgery, followed by significant complications and have been wound free for less than one month.  Yeah, my mind does go to there being a possible correlation.  ARGGG!!!!!  Now, the good news is that it had nothing to do with it, but geez, don't tell me that logically the mind wouldn't go there.

I've also had some difficulties with translation between my US surgeon and Cdn PCP.  The vitamins/drugs just don't cross-border translate well and I had a brief scare, where I thought that I had toxically overdosed myself by injecting myself with 5mg Vitamin K, instead of taking it orally, as prescribed by Dr. L.  However, as it wasn't available in pill form in Canada, I opted for injection - but didn't think about it all absorbing if done by injection, rather than malabsorbing orally, therefore requiring a lower injected dosage.  Turns out it wasn't toxic, but even so - food for thought.  If your Canadian PCP changes the order made by the US surgeon for whatever reason, running it by the US surgeon's office, is probably the best thing to do!

While my health and abilities have done nothing but improve since that time, it has definitely been a mental challenge.  There is no doubt that I have a difficult time seeing the real me in the mirror.  Pictures help to some extent, but since I rarely find pictures that I *love* of myself, it's hard for me to do anything but critisize what I don't like.  This is not helpful thinking in the slightest but certainly has given me insight into a lot of my thought processes which got me to the position of SMO in the first place.  Restriction just doesn't allow you to emotionally overeat/binge like I was prone to do in the past.  Certainly, you *can* eat things that aren't good for you, but never so much that it's really sabotaging.  For me, this gives the time to "reset" the thinking process and get back on track, which has been very helpful.  Now though, as my restriction is becoming less, I do have anxiety over how much and what (evil carbs/sugars) I eat.  I'm beginning to see that this is a never ending process.  Something that I will need to work on for a long time to come to any sense of balance and understanding of.  Trying to figure out the best time to set clear limits with myself, without chastising or undermining my own success is something I'm still struggling with, but I hope to get better and everyday is another opportunity to do that.  I'm contemplating some counseling, but at this point haven't been able to find anyone locally that I think would have enough expertise is this area to be helpful.  Not to be self-centred, but I think I have quite a bit of knowledge already related to therapeutic approaches (mainly because of my background as a social worker and some studying I have done in this area and other areas of behaviour modification).  So, finding someone that I can feel confident in guiding me, can be a bit daunting. 

This past week has been the coolest, in terms of what the DS has done for me.  I went whitewater rafting *and* whitewater canoeing.  There is just no way I could have done either of those things last summer.  Not only because of my weight, but my back was so bad, that just walking was problematic.  Then we went to Ottawa - and I GOT MARRIED!!!  DH and I have been together for almost 9 years and well, we were pretty much married anyway in terms of our day to day life - but, we decided to take the plunge and are now officially, legally, married.  Fancy dress, flowers, photographer, rings and all.  We had such a great day.  Ottawa City Hall in the morning, followed by some informal pictures by family, appetizer snack at a chic Ottawa bistro (Metropolitan), followed by "Traditional High Tea" at the Chatier Laurier (oh la la - a bit of a carb overload, but seriously, how often will I be getting married?!)  Then photography shoot all around the National Gallery and in the park across the street.  THEN - family dinner at a great Italian restaurant on Preston St. called Il Primo!  It was a fantastic day and a great week and well - I LOVE MY WLS!

Well, the title says it all.  I'm overall feeling good - have lots more energy, although still get pretty worn out by a full days activities.  I'm working almost full time.  Which leads to the next point - that I still have a stupid hole in me.  Getting daily nursing care, they come and pack it and I'm responsible for the boiling of instruments and making of saline every morning.  If it weren't for this darn wound things would be pretty much awesome.  I'm down 91 pounds, the sizes seem to be drifting down and my brain is in no way catching up to the changes.  I keep having to look in the mirror, not because I don't recognize myself, but because I'm not entirely sure I'm seeing the same thing every time.  I'm finding bones - which is very cool.  I think I'm going to even have a clavicle soon.  That blows me away.  I've never thought of myself as being the girl for whom one can "see" bones on.  Pretty much have been the fleshy one my entire life.  I vascillate between being worried I won't lose to goal and being concerned that I will.  Crazy huh.  Oh well, it's hard to describe this ride.  I'm starting to slightly notice reactions from some coworkers who are obese - one asked what size my pants were and I told her and she said with wide eyes "that's what *I* wear".  I smiled at her and shrugged.  Who knows what is going to happen when I'm below her.  I don't think she's going to cope well - before my surgery she kept telling me she was losing weight and so would be able to give me some clothes.  Looks like things might develop to be the other way around. 

Family still very supportive.  Although DH is getting tired of "wound management" too.  It just really limits what we can do, because we have to be home for the nurse to come.  So, it interrupts work and weekends.  I'm very grateful to the nurses - they're a great bunch of ladies, but I'd rather not have to see them at all.  I've connected with some great local people to talk about WLS.  Am enjoying the forum, but really like getting to know others who are going through similar experiences.  I would highly recommend that people looking into WLS seek out a support group for this purpose.  It's just so hard to explain the feelings that this journey produces.  It's not all "yippey" and WOWs - (okay, it's that too), but it's also being faced with demons and insecurities.  Anybody who has never lost a significant amount of weight - just has a hard time grasping that.  They expect you to be in a constant state of ecstatic joy.  But, when you do get giddy, over something as silly as the seat belt in the back of a sedan *actually* fitting - they don't understand that fully either. 

Anyhow, the journey continues...

I'm definitely feeling more and more myself.  I still have to deal with lower strength and stamina, but it is improving.  Sometimes, I surprise myself with how fast I am walking and I'm thankful, because only a few months ago, it seemed like such a struggle.  I'm eating lots of new things now.  In addition to the standards, like cheese, eggs, cottage cheese, milk, soup - I can also tolerate chicken wings, chicken fingers, calamari (yeah), fish, bacon (yum), liverwurst, hamburger meat (patties and meatloaf).  I haven't tried really dense meats yet, like steak because Dr. L wants me to get a Upper GI radiographie.  Apparently this is more difficult that it appears, as it isn't on the standard test form.  My PCP is supposed to be calling the head of radiology to see about arranging it.  I guess radiologists don't usually attend the testing, but rather review it afterwards.  Who knew.  It's a bit frustrating at times, because dealing with the Cdn medical system, when your US doctor wants something done yesterday, feels like I'm not advocating hard enough.  However, at the same time, *I* feel my PCP is really great, has been sending me for loads of tests at the slightest indication of anything and really cares about what is going on for me. 

Currently, I'm still dealing with an opening at my incision site.  It's about mid-way down and is now an open hole that is being packed daily by in-home nurses.  Prior to this, it was like a blister that would fill up with fluid/pus and drain drain drain.  Then would get lanced and heal over - repeating the process.  The hope is that with the packing, it will heal from the bottom up, but it sure is taking forever!  I'll be so glad when I can actually be hole free. 

I'm feeling like my weightloss is slowing down.  I'm not 100% sure though, because I didn't have a standard recovery so I'm not certain how much I lost in each individual month from the beginning.  I'm definitely still losing inches, which is nice.  In fact this weekend, I bought some size 18s to shrink down into (I can *almost* do them up).  Intellectually, I know I'm shrinking, but emotionally, it's like nothing is happening and I'm worried that I will have gone through all this and still be fat. 

Well, things did not happen as planned.  I had the surgery on Sept. 28th/07 and things appeared to be normal. I was in hospital for the recommended four days, was discharged to the hotel and began the process of getting better and learning to eat. 

On October 6h, 2007 - woke up, started my morning off with some oatmeal and had only swallowed the second bite when I felt intense shooting pain up toward my left shoulder.  After calling the surgeon, we were advised to go to the ER if things had not subsided within an hour.  They did not subside and by the time we got to the hospital I had an intense pain in my left side that kept increasing - to the point that the nurse stated she didn't have to ask my pain rating - she knew it was at least a "10".  A CT-Scan showed that I had a leak.  Dr. L arrived at the hospital and I went in for emergency surgery - thus starting the adventure of having a perforated stomach and the development of peritonitis.  Which meant I didn't eat for 8weeks - was fed with TPN and was poked continuously by every medical professional within 3 feet of me. 

What can I say - I was in hospital about 10 weeks (approx. 6 in Michigan and then 4 more in Toronto, Canada).  Over that time I experienced many emotions, none the least of which were scared, tired and frustrated.  Dr. L visited me everyday.  They tried shunts in my stomach - in and out. ( I ended up under general anaesthesia another 5 times - 7 in total)  They looked to see how the leak was progressing - slowly closing.  I had all sorts of specialists and I have no real complaint about the medical treatment either in the US or Canada.  However, it all has taken a toll and I'm very tired of all things medical and anxious to be feeling myself again. 

On the up side, my DH is an amazing man.  He sat by my side daily for almost 8weeks, attending to any and every need - physical or emotional that arose.  My family and friends - fantastic - they visited, brought gifts to entertain me - pampered me and made me feel very loved.  I have no doubt that I scared the heck out of them all - myself included. 

So where am I now?  Home (thank goodness) - learning to eat with my DS stomach and trying to get my energy back.  I've lost weight - on or about 70 pounds (including the pre-op loss of 26 lbs).  I've posted some pictures and DH says he can see a clear difference - my brain doesn't seem as discerning yet - but I suppose that is part of the process. 

I've been asked if I have regrets. I wouldn't wish to get so sick and have complications - however, regrets somehow implies that you have a choice to do things over and frankly - that's silly.  What's the point in ruminating over some other outcome, when this is what I have.  Would I recommend the surgery to anyone today?  I would tell them that they need to research all their options, really know what they are getting into and feel confident in their own decisions - taking into account that complications *do* happen.  And, while nobody can entirely prepare for things to go wrong, just be aware that it could and be ready to accept it and do whatever you have to do to move forward.  As everyone tells me - things will get better - and they have been, albeit slowly.  I'm sure 2008 has a lot of positives in store for me and I look forward to all that has to offer. 

Well, true to form, I'm over two months into my pre-op diet and it's starting to get to me.  I was militant in the beginning - to the point where I wasn't eating enough and feeling light-headed.  Now, I'm constantly fighting the internal voice that wants to justify - just a *little* bit of this or a taste of that.  I want to eat things that I don't even like just so I can have it. To some degree I suppose it's normal - as with any prolonged denial - but, well I also think it's another sign that my relationship with food is so unhealthy that I become fixated - whether for good or bad.  I just want that to go away - to not really even care about food other than as a source of energy.  Maybe that's when I will feel successful.  Okay - having a normal size ass wouldn't hurt either.  It's only two days now from when I was supposed to originally be having the surgery.  It still feels very surreal.  The surgery itself seems straightforward - the idea that I will lose weight - seems almost impossible.  I'm sure that taking pictures month by month is going to be necessary for me to wrap my head around this whole process. 

Well, I just added my pre-op photos.  It's a bit early, as I'm not having the surgery for another 25days, but well, I got this cute little 'after surgery' outfit and the idea came to me to get it done.  God they're awful!  I'm thankful that I rarely have to see my backside - what an unfortunate sight to behold.  I truly hate having my picture taken. I can't remember the last time that I didn't grimace in my head when having a snap shot taken - let alone a portrait studio.  The sad thing about this is that probably for the last ten to fifteen years, I have virtually no record of myself. I artfully get behind the camera during "family" get-togethers and when I do occasionally get my picture taken I wonder how bad it's going to be.  David has a flickr website and I forbade him from posting pictures of me.  In some ways it's very sad - a self imposed outcast of sorts. We don't even really have a family portrait.  I'm hoping that is one of the things that will change.  Not that I want to be some kind of 'prima donna" - I just would like to not even give it a second thought when someone reaches for their camera and says 'cheese'. 

I found out this past week that my surgery has been postponed by 9days.  While that doesn't seem like that long, I have to say I was devastated.  I wept for awhile and then posted on the forum and it really helped to get everyone's support.  I'm fine with it now, although still abit bummed since I will have to re-arrange things at work and will end up being in the hotel over Thanksgiving weekend.  But, such is life.  I just wanted to put this down now, so that in the future I can look back and see it from another perspective.  Also, I guess it's just another part of the whole process.

Well, just over five more weeks to go until I'm *switched*.  It feels like a long time, but it's been almost five weeks since my consultation with Dr. L - so I guess it's all relative.  I'm following the pre-op diet guidelines, although the food options are getting pretty boring.  I'm hoping that I'm losing weight - but I have no real way of knowing because I don't have an accurate scale (read this as - I'm too fat for it to give me a reading).  I *think* my clothes feel looser, I'm wearing a few tops that before I would never wear because I felt they were too tight - but funnily enough, I'm wearing alot of things now that I wouldn't wear before - I just don't care if people see me fat - because I'm not going to be this fat ever again!!!

Just as quick as quick can be.....got a call from Dr. L's office today - surgery is booked for Sept. 19th.  On one hand it all seems like it is happening very fast.  On the other hand, it feels like it's something I should have started years ago.  I will try not to mourn these many years lost to SMO and just focus on the years to come.