Mara57

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As of my last weekly weigh-in, I am at 200 lbs. As someone who's been above 200 pounds for well over half of my life (I haven't had a weight in the 100s since at least the late 1970s) it's astonishing to be on that particular precipice. Being obese is as much a function of my BMI being a certain number as it is a critical part of my identity as a woman who lives and functions on this place we call planet earth.

        Your BMI: 30.41
        A BMI between 30 and 40 is classified as obesity.
        The healthy weight range for your height is between
        121.7 lbs and 164.4  lbs.
        Your weight is 35.6 lbs above the healthy range.

Soon I may step on the scale and find I have crossed over from "Obese" to merely "Overweight." As the possibility of this looms, I find myself at other crossroads in my life. Everything from friendships to financial security and my career is in flux. Love life? Don't get me started.

And here's the rub. Weight loss surgery, and losing a significant amount of weight, can feel like you've ripped your entire life down to its foundation. You might find yourself, as I have, regaining some confidence as the pounds drop and you find you can do things that weren't on your list 50 pounds ago. At the same time, you realize that you can't blame all your problems on being obese.

I've tried not to live my life as a prisoner of obesity. I have a great job, a beautiful home, friends, and my self-esteem isn't too battered, considering I live as a fat person in our society. I look at all that I achieved and have some sense of accomplishment. But wherever my life seemed deficient, I could blame my fat to some extent. If I took any kind of career or personal risk that didn't turn out, I could deflect my disappointment about it to my fat. Or to my food addiction and compulsive eating, which literally sucked the life from me.

Now I am on the edge of obesity. I earn each day's fatigue the old fashioned way, not from carrying 90+ pounds of life-limiting weight around 24 hours a day. I am facing some big life decisions about finance and career right now, and I can't avoid them by being obsessed with food. If I want to take risks with dating or relationships, I have to deal with the potential of disappointment and rejection that I can't assign to being fat.

One day soon, I will step on the scale and that .41 of a BMI point will be gone, and with it the last barrier between me and my one true life. Whatever the roots of my obesity, it has framed and become woven deeply into my entire life, and breaking free is both frightening and exhilarating.

No matter how much we understand that the scale is not necessarily a true barometer of how "good" or "bad" we've been, there's nothing like seeing your weight go up to get your head spinning 'round. Midweek I weighed myself and saw that I'd gained 6 pounds.Yikes! By today (Sunday is my "official" weigh in day) I was down a few pounds from midweek, but, at 209.5, still 3.5 pounds above a recent low weight of 206.

Why? If you've ever struggled with your weight I bet one or more of these rationalizations that have visited my brain this week will ring true:

• I've been bad. Ate too many nuts, too many carbs, not enough protein, too many calories. Maybe it was skipping two workouts this week.Maybe it was eating nectarines.
• I've been good. I started Couch to 5K last week and the next day, hiked to the top of Mt. Livermore on Angel Island. So my body retained water and held on to it.
• I am not eating enough calories so my body went into famine mode. Maybe I need more fat.
• Maybe my pouch has stretched and I am eating way too much volume. I have ruined my surgery
• The scale isn't working. Who knows? At one point it even registered 216, them dropped down to 209.5. I never trust the scale. Hop on and off until I see a number at least twice.
• I am retaining water. Quick gains and drops usually mean that.
• I have a mental block against losing more weight--maybe I am afraid to break below 200 to 199...
• Nothing is wrong, if I am thinking rationally I know that I didn't eat 3 or 5 new pounds worth of calories, so it's just an anomaly... it will correct in a week or two. It's the mystery of a body losing weight. I doesn't always make sense.
• It's the dreaded 'bounce.' I lost at a pretty good clip the last few weeks, so my body is rebounding. Kind of like one of those horrible relationships we get into after a breakup.
• I didn't get enough sleep. I know I need sleep to recharge and metabolize, and I had several nights this week where I didn't get enough hours to accomplish that.
• My body is "rearranging" muscle and such and so it's pausing for a while, but I'll drop a size soon. That's what some of the experts say, anyway.

So it's been quite a cacophony of voices in my head, shouting above each other for primacy. And you know, of course, that the craziness of all those opinions is worse in some ways than the weight gain itself. I have been focusing on giving myself rational pep talks, and not going down the deep dark hole of "I'll never lose the weight" but I'd rather not have the conversation at all.

The biggest fear of any weight loss surgery person is regaining the weight. That a stall means weight loss is over, and a gain means we'll soon be ballooning up to our pre-surgery weight or beyond. So one part of me will be white-knuckling it until the scale moves back down significantly. 

But a more rational and patient examination of the situation leads me down another path. I don't have the answer to "why" this happened or what is going on, and I need to live with that ambiguity. I may need to recommit to measuring and tracking EVERYTHING every day and every meal. I may need to get religious about my commitment to movement and exercise, and try new things to mix it up or return to a routine that I know worked a few weeks ago. This is a time to be patient and avoid freaking out.

It's difficult to be dealing with this after several weeks of happy & good news to report but I promised you an "intimate look" at my path, not a sugar coated one. Here it is.

In a society that teaches us that indulgence is sinful, that we should punish ourselves and our bodies for savoring food... in a culture that especially teaches women to hate being who we are but especially, if we are fat, to be ashamed and hide in a corner... we often turn to thin, beautiful models and actresses for our role models, our ideals. We eat sugar free and fat free to feel "OK" about having a treat. And we stop doing the things we love, or never even give ourselves permission to find out WHAT we love, until we "earn" the right by being thin. Now, ever more than before, I see how critical it is to be inspired by our own lives, and to find the moments that make us whole NOW. It should not be negotiable that we enjoy EVERY bite of what we eat, and that we eat whole foods that nourish our spirit and mind along with our body.

READ More about my summer vacation revelations here....

I have been keeping  a blog on Typepad about my journey.

Constant Craving

Please come and read it! Let me know how you found it.

Thanks,

Mara57