lynnjc

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ok, I have been exploring my feelings for years. NOTHING  has prepared me for this journey. It sucks.  I am not sure why I am so angry or what I am angry about. maybe it's fear, maybe the title should be Facing Fat rather than Facing Fear or is it the same thing???

The genie in Aladin sung" you ain't ever had a friend like me.."  Well, Vampi is my genie.  I have NEVER had a friend or even family member be there for me  and my family like her.  As I watch her struggle through pre-op I feel helpless. My usual reaction to friend's distress is to feed them and give them a glass of wine.  I have noticed these thoughts and have had to suppress opening my dumb mouth over the last few days. I am not only comforted by eating I am more comforted by cooking.   Why does food have so much power?  or as my therapist would ask Why have I given up my power to food?   I can't answer that right now.  I have come to understand why I  resist diets and it goes back into a painful part of my childhood. But is understanding enough??  Body image - what the heck does that even mean??  I have never been accurate in my body perceptions even when I was thin.  I stay so far up  in my head and thus far no amount of therapy or meds have conquuered that.   I have to say that even if  surgery is not a go , I have spent more time examining the why of my weight.

anyhooo    I am here for  my BFF .  Whatever she needs. 

I am beginning to wonder what I am thinking. I am a compulsive eater. I eat until I hurt. I have been like that for as long as I remember, unless I am off my meds then I am depressed crazy but thinner... I feel frustrated. I am stressed to talk about it with my husband ans I adore him.  I am afraid of the medical bills with my hubby's new illness and mine. I am having a case of major self doubt. YICK. YICK YICK ok I feel a little better.

  I would say that I don't know how I got here but I know. I have a best friend who is having surgery soon and my husband is also considering.  No I am not having surgery because of that.  I am considering surgery because my BMI is over 35 and I have the following:  sleep apnea, hypertension,  and the beginnings of arthritis in my back.  I have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I spend a lot of time in pain.  I am turning 40 this year. I always thought I would be Fab and Forty not Flab and Forty.  I  I am considering Lap band. I want to live a litle bit longer. I do not feel that I am living now but tolerating.