lorey1222

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So i recently went to my 4th monthly visit before my surgery and can't believe how fast time is flying past me. there are still so many things i have on my mind, i guess the biggest is fear of the unknown, i am so nervous about the surgery i know there is only like a 1% chance of major complications like death but someone has to be that 1 is it me?? silly i know to think that way but i cant help it, if i died during this would i have done everything i could in my life to show my kids and husband just how much they mean to me,would they know how much i wanted to be the mom that they deserved, i sooo want to be able to go out and play with them and notmjust sit and watch,i wish i could be happy and smile and laugh with them instead of being the snippy irritable mom that has been around for way longer than i would have liked. depression is something that grabs a hold of you and makes you feel horrible things,i went through a time where i didn't like anyone especially myself, i didnt want to take a shower or get dressed or go anywhere. what is the point of getting dressed? nothing fits me anyways,it is so humiliating to go somewhere and know people are looking at how big i am and making snide comments, some of them do it right to my face, one jerk told me one time omg you have gained so much weight i didnt even recognize you, really?????? i hadnt noticed but thanks for pointing it out jackass!! my husband is great, he says the weight doesnt bother him he just wants me to be healthy, haha okay, i am not ok with the weight and i know that when he looks at a pretty woman she is not over 300 pounds but bless his heart for not saying it,lol, i want to be a wife to him to where i feel comfortable being introduced to people and not thinking of all the mean thoughts that i just know they are thinking about me, talk about paranoid huh,i know that this surgery is such a long mysterious journey, i have to totally change my life, the way i eat, think, move. will i feel starved after the surgery or deprived? will i spend my days throwing up constantly?will i like what i see in the mirror after i lose all of this weight,will i have tons of skin hanging that will gross me out,will i even make it thru the surgery?? poitive thinking does wonders so now in the next few months i am gonna try hard to be happy think positively enjoy life and get ready to kiss the old me good bye and say hello to the new healthy, happy me!!