LindyLeta

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Well, I got down to 203 and went back up to 210 over Labor Day. UGH! Why doesn't my brain stop eating crap?????? My stomach can't handle it!

Up and down all month. But down to 208.6 today. Been as high as 215 in the last couple of months. So that is good that I am turning it around. I've noticed that I am not that hungry right now. But we are having record hot temps. Up to the 100's. So that maybe why.

But also I am listening to my body. If I am not hungry I stop eating. At least that is the goal. Sometimes I screw up and then have to go thru the productive burping (nicely put, thank you).

I've lost 7 pounds this month. I am hoping to be another 7 next month. I've noticed that months and weeks go by so fast! So I am loosing weight fast. I just have to stop the night eating. I've tried Carcino Ginoma (or however you spell it,) and it seems to be slowing down the night stavies. 

So much to do. So little time. I gained back the 30 pounds because I wasn't comfortable being thin. And now I am realizing I HATE being fat. Nothing fits. I don't look as nice as I'd like. I have to buy fat clothes again. Such a waste! I WILL do this. 

I WILL do this.

I just quit eating incorrectly and started writing everything down. Upped the water. Lowered the cookie intake. YES, cookies can make you fat. Now that I see that in black and white I am willing to accept this unhappy fact. I am doing something about it. I am working off the 30 pounds that I gained in about 6 months last year. It was like some kind of chemical in my body was trying to turn me into a fat blob. It was like a disease. 'Be a blob, Be a blob', it kept saying.

While I wanted to be skinny Me, while Blobby Me was winning. I realized a third personality in my weight loss journey. Medium Me. A size 12-14. Size Medium to Large to XL. That is how I am going to do it. 

I will become Medium Me! And I am doing something about it, so there is no need to nag or hound myself. Or set myself into a severe depression because I am 'still' fat. But even tho I am still fat, I am 4.4 pounds lighter than yesterday. Yahoohhhhhhoooooahhhhhhhhh

Another day gone by. Another day of fun. We went to the beach. Did you know you can strengthen your core in the hammock. Just try doing sits up in a hammock. Your stomach will feel it and thank you eventually. 

I am going to do this. I am. Just want to be 180. I can. I can, Yes I can.

OK, I am still gaining. It is the nighttime thing. I just loose it. I can't overeat or I will throw up. But what I choose to eat is wrong. Especially at night. It seems all reason goes out of my head at night. I know I am depressed. I just stopped being friends with a person that I thought would be a good friend for years. Turns out she has some issues that I can't deal with. She is a nice person. But I can't be around her. She is too intense. Too much, and scary when she gets mad. I am sad to loose a friend. For 3 months we had a great time. But there were red flags. And I ignored them. 

I am pretty good at ignoring red flags. Now she wants the money I owe her. She drove for me for work. And I paid her for it. Sometimes we had to drive a few hundred miles. Anyway, I found out that her driving with road rage was too much for me. Plus she smoked cigarettes. She did stop store bought cigarettes for me and then bought roll your own. Which I am less allergic too. And she would Febreeze herself and her car. She was thoughtful about it. But the road rage freaked me out. She would scream while I was in the car and that is not good for my health. 

Anyway, I decided after the last truck ride where I was told I was not to say anything to her friend unless she said it was OK, was the end. I can't live this kind of life. 

Now I've gained so much more weight. I know it is depression. But I have to live it out. Give myself time to heal. And be sad because I can't seem to find good lasting friends that want to hang out and just be 'normal'. I know there is no normal. But I continue to wish to have friends without major mental illness. 

Go figure. I was 214 today. ugh...I want to be 180. L

It is summer! And I can loose weight in the summer. Just wanna do 30 pounds. My problem is night eating. I gotta stop night eating! How can I manage my maniac food mind at night. That is the question.

I am not loosing and it is my fault. It is the night munchies that get me everytime! Up to 211 now. Just want to get under 200 for now. That is the first goal. Munchies suck~!

OK, it is 5:53 pm. The night eating begins. I will start with chicken salad dinner. They hold onto my hat for the night. If I don't eat at night I will loose weight! Go Me!

Friend coming over. She is my darling and wonderful BEST friend. She is Jewish by birth. It traditional to feed people when they come over. I have NOTHING in this house. Oh wait, oranges. We have oranges. Whew....I was worried. 

About my food diary. I have gained 2 pounds. It was my 61st b.d. week. Lotsa cake, lotsa goodies. I mostly couldn't handle the cake or the chips. Wonderful salty chips. But mind you, I am not suppose to eat chips. Not only do they make me fat. The salt on them can make me dizzy. I have chronic vertigo and salt affects my inner ear and can cause me to be dizzy. So I wobbled to bed last night with an impending vertigo attack. Slept 12 hours and woke up OK. Yeah! OK, but .8 more fat on the body that is suppose to be loosing!

And I did a good thing. I walked for a mile with my friend yesterday. It was FUN. We both use walkers and we both have our dogs. Our town has lovely walks along the Row River Trail. So that was the good thing I did.

Back to the grindstone. Back to getting it together. Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. Birthday is over. No B.D. until August. I usually don't eat alot at the 4th of July. So I should be OK. Darn it I want to win this battle! 

I was doing really well in the beginning with my band. Then at 180, the doctor said I probably wouldn't loose anymore. I didn't feel that way. But the doctor said it so I obeyed! I can't seem to feel comfortable thin. I've always been fat. Fat is my state of mind. I have to get my brain thoughts to want to be thinner. Right now 180 would be great. But up to 212. Still trying, still trying, still trying. 

I have 2 people in my head. My fat self I call Blobby, and my thin self I call Skinny Me. In my story Skinny Me was dying from neglect. She sits on a slice of the moon and dreams about being alive and healthy and free. But Blobby always wins out.

One day I sent Blobby down the river to let go of her. She started to melt in the hot sun. Blobby was melting into the river. Then I didn't like that image and felt that Blobby had been my friend all my life and gotten me thru so many tough times. I didn't want her to die. But there  has to be a happy medium Me. That is what I am trying to do now. Blend Blobby and Skinny Me into Happy Medium Me. 

It ain't easy! Skinny Me rules the day, and Blobby rules the night. I am trying to get Blobby to shut up and quit sending EAT messages to me at night. And that has been a daily, if not minute by minute challenge after 7pm. sighhhhhh......... Blobby vs. Skinny Me