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I had my surgery 83 days ago. About 3 months ago. I have lost 20 pounds since September. I probably lost about 5 pounds the week before surgery. My eating is better but not my excersize. Although, I did decide to take riding lessons. Which is really hard. I have to balance myself on the hourse while sitting half saddle. That is hard when you are overweight. Not too mention it is a workout on my legs. I am working toward excersizing more. I am also working on just loving myself for who I am right now. Not who I will be in a year. That way, I am not always on a diet but rather a lifestyle. Trying to learn to love me. 

Well I can't say I enjoyed putting two months up there on this spread. My surgery feels like a letdown. I wish I would have gone with gastric bipass. I did the lapband and have only lost 10-15 pounds. I continue to eat bad but not as much. I don't excersize due to being tired with a 2 1/2 year old and full time job. Not too mention I am a single parent. OK all those are excuses. I see that. I chose to eat what I eat and not excersize. What will it take. Maybe, this surgery will be an eye opener. No quick fix here.

I will say that with the 15 pounds I am really grossed out by the excess fat. So I think a part of me is afraid to lose more because what will that look like? I better look into plastic surgery to help with that emotional trauma. Just joking. I know that it will get better. I did eat better today.

My lessons learned this month is to plan what I eat and eat three meals and 2 snacks. Or I will eat when I come home.

Now I just have to do the Wii fit, go to one of the two gyms I belong to, or walk with the baby jogger. Everyday moment is a new moment.

I am going to do this for me. I deserve to love me for me. If I don't want to excersize and like myself that would be one thing, I don't so I need to get on the ball here.

I am motivated and going to go do sit ups.

I have the power to overcome food.

I am a little frustrated due to only losing 8 pounds. Not too mention I still eat late at night. What is up with that. I think it is the meds i take to go to sleep. Might have to stop taking that.

I have a gala next Friday and I really want to look good. I am hoping to lose at least another 8 pounds.

I need to follow my diet better and make plans. No chocolate in the house. No ice cream. Katie doesn't need it anyway.

I did throw up last night. I ate something fast. That is the worst feeling.

Ok must go do the wii or go for a walk.

Today was filled with emotion. I had a hard night eating more things than I was supposed too, or should have.

Not too mention my 2 year old wouldn't take a nap and then we fell asleep at 630pm. So it sorta felt like a waste of a day. It wasn't of course. I did go to church. My daughter and I made a pizza, played with her new duck, and watched a movie together. So all in all it was still a good day.

The problem was I was still tired today. My stomach still hurt a little. I woke up and didn't feel like eating anything. I took a sip of protein shake and threw it up. I then took a sip of water. Dragged myself to work.

I felt nauseous for hours. I saw several people that asked about the surgery wanting to know all the great things about it. All I could say was well I am on my way to losing weight and excited. As I cringed at the pain I had overcame and the nauseousness I was currently feeling. I will say I was cold for the first time in years. I saw that as a good thing. It meant I was hopefully not going to be sweating so much. I was always embarrassed that I would sweat at the drop of a hat.

I have to mention here a part of my weekend. I went to a Halloween party (pictures included). It was fun. I knew most everyone and was excited to see people since the surgery. I struggled over a costume. I ended up just wearing a red shirt and since I was in a lovely mood said I was the devil in disguise. Not sure how funny that was. I honestly have been struggling with the aspect of men and dating lately. I am appalled at the things that people have said to me or around me about skinny woman. Men seem to be obsessed with them. I am also saddened that many men wouldn't get to know me because of my weight. Not too mention when I lose weight I will be the same person. Although, I do realize there is some truth to the idea that I will be a more confident person and probably less defensive about my weight. I will have more self esteem and be more likable so I can't blame men if they didn't want to date me fat. It just makes me sad to realize all of this. 

I found that I wanted to eat several times when I was upset. I need to start running because I was really ticked off and didn't have a release. Of course I could think of several things that would take the place of eating but since I don't have a man, one is out and the other would be against the rules of eating/drinking (a glass of wine). I did do a good job dealing with my emotions over the weekend. 

I must go walk. I think it is raining but not sure that is a good excuse to not walk. Unless, it is pouring it will be good for me.

Well it was a hard day. I went to the doctor and they really didn't take my pain seriously. I then had to clean out the old condo move some stuff. Went to a get together in the neighborhood and realized I couldn't eat anything. I brought a guy friend. Once woman kept asking me questions after hearing I had surgery. Like do you think you will start dating now. I said I didn't know I wasn't starting to date. I was willing no one asked me out. Of course I had to go into the divorce and why we seperated. Which sounds ridiculous these days. Who knows why it ended.

I then came home and ate some meatloaf. Not a good choice. Threw up. It hurt. 

I read he is just not into me. Wow that book should have been out 18 years ago. I needed it. I laughed for an hour. I am honestly going to follow the book. No more crap from men. It is either they are into me or not. Not sure about being friends with guys but think that is OK as long as I never dated them or liked them. Tom, Trey and possibly Mike are ok. But for the most part limited conversations. Not giving my energy to them. Not worth it. Had to write about the book because it needs to be a part of my plan to heal and get right with myself. JUST BECAUSE I WAS BIG DOES NOT MEAN I DON"T DESERVE THE BEST. I deserve someone who is excited to meet me. wants to get to know me and most of all thinks I am the best thing that he has seen. That is what I deserve and waiting for. The rest of the men are crap and not worth my time.

Ok must go to bed. needed to vent.

Today I go to the doctor. Of course still in pain. More so when I sit. I could stand all day. Last night I did have problems sleeping. Weird dreams and then accidently sleeping on my stomach. Oops!

Yesterday I ate 1000 calories and the amount of carbs and calories I should. It felt good to be following the plan. I am getting rid of the ice cream and getting on the program.

I did walk a few blocks and that felt great as well. I plan to go for a walk today and then again tonight.

Life is great!

I had surgery a week ago. I am still in pain. Mostly where the port is located. I thought I would not be in pain at all. The meds are minor. Why bother I think tylenol would be just as effective. I just moved into a new house two weeks ago (what the hell was I thinking doing both in the same month). I can't look in boxes for things due to the pain. I thought I would be back to work today. I can't drive and not sure if I should go for a walk. Although, a walk might be good. I don't hurt walking, standing or laying down. It is when I sit. As far as eating. I know I am not eating enough, drinking enough or eating enough protein. I can barely get the meds down crushed. I usually just take the smaller ones because it doesn't really hurt when I do. I have thrown up twice. At night I ate too much and ate cottage cheese (it was on the list I promice). Guess, it doesn't work for me. OK I now am going to go take the meds because my 2 year old is coming over. She has been with her dad due to the surgery. She is really good but a little active. Meds should be taken then for sure. Hope tomorow is better. Maybe, that walk would do some good. Will ask the doctor tomorow.

Yesterday I had surgery. It went OK. I was really out of it and hard to wake up. I then felt ill on the way home. When I got home I was starving. I then realized I won't be eating for awhile. I started to think "oh my what have I done". Maybe, I should have worked harder at working out. Later that night I became hungry again. I have had a lot of broth. That seems to make me feel a little better. I thought I wasn't going to be hungry. I am tired I must go to sleep now. Tired and hurting.