ladyasha
I am 28. Single. Ready to enjoy the rest of my life.
10/17/03
So two years ago, I went swimming. I love to swim, I've been doing it since I was 18 months old. For the first time I couldn't complete a lap. I was mortified. I went home and realized on the second flight of stairs, I was panting. I was only 25 years old, with my birthday less than a month away. I always thought I would be married by then, but instead I was just a single workaholic who was sadly neglecting her health. It had to stop. Not that I hadn't been dieting and such for years, I had but I had never felt to out of shape before. So I joined a gym (Bally's) and went faithfully for.. oh. 3 months? Then my knees started bothering me, my weight hadn't changed so I was discouraged, and to top it all off - work picked up so I couldn't even get to the gym conveniently. I went to my PCP and we discussed different avenues to lose weight. I cut out fried foods (mostly) and stopped buying bread, etc. No real changes - except I gained about 30 lbs that year. How's that possible? I mean I was barely eating right (now I know what a mistake THAT was).
Suffice to say, a year later I was seeing an endocrinologist to see if there was a physical reason I wasn't losing weight. Nope - healthy as a horse for the most part. But if something didn't change soon, my genetic history of diabetes was imminent. All this time, I had been researching WLS. Reading about morbidity rates and scaring myself stupid. Then I read about the lapband procedure which seemed less intrusive. So this past april I saw my PCP and we discussed it - WLS. She said she would recommend it for me being that I had tried so many other avenues and suggested the RNY open procedure. She said it was more effective and referred me to a surgeon who she thought highly of and had been doing WLS for many years. Dr. Halmi.
I saw Dr. Halmi and things went like clockwork after that. To begin with - the chairs in the waiting room weren't meant for people half my size. I had room! His staff is great and the dietician he works with, Deanna Duvall, is a godsend.
They sent in my request and I forced myself to forget about it. Lo and behold two weeks later (see, I did a good job with the avoidance), there is a message from the receptionist asking me to call them back. My insurance company, Aetna, needed more information. I gave them what they needed. A few days later, another call saying Aetna needed a question answered. So, now all I can think about is what the insurance company will say. Then a week later, the first week of August, - I was given my date. October 29.
Now I'm terrified. I mean, what if I died. I hadn't even told my family that I was having the surgery. I hadn't told ANYONE. So, I broke down and told my best friend. A week later, my mother. I went through a series of appointments that Aetna required and now only have a few final tests. I saw the pulmonologist yesterday for the first time. Next week is going to be a busy week with final tests, preop appointments and prayer.
I'm still a little scared. But it's more than the surgery scaring me. It's been 12 years since I was at a normal weight. I haven't the faintest idea how to operate as a "healthy" adult. I'm also worried about eating enough. I am confident that I can avoid the "bad foods" and such, but remembering to eat slowly and often is going to be a problem I think. Not that I won't be able to do it, but that's going to be my biggest struggle.
After reading so much on this site, I'm glad I'm single for the first time. I only have to worry about me. So, prayer, encouragement and any advice is welcome. Today is the 17, so I have 12 days to go.
Crap. Now I'm scared again. :)
10/19/03
Tomorrow I have another pulmonologist appointment and my hospital registration and preop appointment. Not much to tell there, but I wanted to say - for all those who emailed me. Thank you. I started crying when the sheer number of messages entered my email box. The encouragement is a blessing and the prayers are MOST welcome. It's funny, even though I know hundreds upon hundreds have this procedure done around the world every year - I still felt really alone. Until now. Thank you!
10/28/03
Well it's the day before and... I'm kind of numb. Everything has gone so smoothly it's scary. My official presurgery weight is 346 - much to my dismay, but hey - only one more day to a new life right?!
I also met a fellow patient from the website for the first time yesterday in Dr. Halmi's office. She goes in on Friday. I wonder if they have computers for patient use? *lol* What a geek I am right?
At any rate, they moved my surgery up from 1:30 to 12:45 - which I guess is fine. Gives me less time to stress about it. However it occurs to me that I can't eat after 6pm tonight and I am STARVING. I better go and grab some food while I can.
Ciao! And keep me in your prayers. Thank you all so much for the encouragement to date.
11/2/01
Well,today is my first full day home. I'm staying at my parents for this week - though my mother is already driving me insane - because they don't have steps to get into the house. They are off at church, which is fine because it gives me a chance to relax. I am so thankful that everything went well with the surgery. I'm not in a ton of pain, though I am constantly bloated and feel full all the time. Right this minute, I'm getting a faintly bloody taste in my mouth that's worrying me, but I'm hoping it passes. I think my biggest mistake so far is taking drinks that are too large. I'm working on it because it hurts and I don't want to damage my insides. At any rate, I want to thank everyone for the prayers. Keep em comin! I have a feeling the next week or so is gonna be tough on me.
On a good note, I've regained a great deal of energy. I'm not tired at all - just a bit bored and achy. So, I might be online a bit more later. See you later.
11/10/03
I feel great. No pain. Haven't taken so much as a Tylenol since leaving the hospital. Woohoo! Went to my first post-op today. Dr. Halmi says everything is healing just fine and.... *drum roll* in my 12 days since the surgery - I've lost 26 pounds. I am STUNNED! Thrilled but stunned. So now, I'm at 320. Man if this keeps up, I will reach my first goal in like 2 months!
12/29/03
Ok, so it's been two months exactly. I've lot a little over 50 pounds. I'm down two sizes (clothing is becoming a real issue since I work in a professional environment and having your pants fall off isn't very professional!) which is exciting, but it's also frustrating and expensive.
I find myself procrastinating about going to the gym. Not that I wouldn't do great once I'm there, it's getting there that's my issue. I am not much of a walker (especially when it's cold outside - brrr) so I know I need to get on the ball exercise wise.
I'm terribly afraid of overeating and stretching my stomach or gaining the weight back. 50 lbs is the most I've ever lost and right about now is the time I notice the weight creeping back on. I think once I lose the next 25 that may help convince me that this is for real. Right now, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Dr. Halmi says I'm doing great, losing at a good rate - not too fast / not too slow. When I feel like I'm not losing, I drop back to the liquid diet with proteins, water and broth to help kickstart myself again.
I'm pretty happy with how I survived the holidays. Nothing too crazy. Got some sugar free treats as gifts but let me tell you, too much of that stuff works as a a laxative. UGH! It was nice, though, to have a jelly belly jelly bean again. I'm glad to know that all my favorites aren't gone forever.
On that note - I can't eat strawberries and fruit anymore it seems. Must be too much sugar or the wrong kind of sugar because I got pretty sick after it on Saturday. I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing or not. I also had salad for the first time on Christmas day and that went ok, but I had some cramping later that tells me my intestines may not be quite ready for a lot of salad yet. Or maybe I should eat more salad? I dunno.
My family has been very supportive! I have been "preaching" to them about their eating habits. Learning how to eat correctly has motivated me. My parents especially need to alter their eating habits if they want to live longer. My little sister has taken my lifestyle change to heart and already begun to alter her eating on her own. Well - somewhat! :) My best friend did the same to kind of be my buddy on this journey and she's lost 11 lbs in 3 weeks.
Anyway, that's all the news for now! Ciao.
4/6/04
It's been too long since I wrote here. I've been having my fair share of struggles. I took on the project of directing my church's easter production and then had a move thrown in which caused me a lot of stress. Note: I still haven't learned a better way of handling stress so this resulted in my eating foods that weren't nutritionally what I needed, slacking off on water and protein and not losing a pound. I didn't gain any, but I didn't lose any either.
I have only been getting 5 or 6 hours of sleep and today I realized how much I'm defeating myself. I am going to go back to my original post-op diet for a week or so and get back into my routine. I have some goals I need to meet and I'm about 5 lbs short of having lost 100 lbs! That's a huge deal to me. It means I only have 75 lbs to go and that's astounding!
I still can't quite come to grips with who I see in the mirror. I am not sure I like my thinner face, because I know I was really pretty with a fuller face - now I think I look gaunt. On the flip side of that, I'm wearing a size in clothing I haven't worn in ten years. If I get back on track in about two or three months, I'll be smaller than I was even in high school. I can't believe it's been only 5 months since my surgery, it feels like a lifetime.
Still single, which is starting to bother me. I guess I thought as I lost weight I would magically have a queue of men waiting for me, because my weight (in my head) was what kept me single, right? Well, that seems to be wrong and now I don't know what to think. I have noticed a bit more attention which for someone with my past is a little terrifying at times. I go from being an outrageous flirt to being suddenly terrified. It's so stupid when I know I'm perfectly safe. At 6' tall and 250 lbs, I'm still a big girl and very few men would really take me on in an aggressive manner. I think.
Anyway, what else? My hair loss seems to be tapering off a bit and that's good. I think as I get my protein levels back up, it will stop altogether. I have noticed, however, that my energy level is lagging so I'm going to have to chat with the doctor about that if a couple weeks on schedule and some decent sleep don't fix it.
So, I ask myself - would I do it all over again. Even with the minor setbacks and days like today? Absolutely without a second thought.
6/8/04
I am a bad patient. I have decided this because I have been sitting here in agony due to abdominal pain (reason yet undetermined) reviewing what I've been doing right and wrong the past few weeks. I honestly think it all began with the birthdays. My best friend, who has been changing her eating habits etc and taking this journey with me as much as someone who didn't have the surgery can.. anyway, she had her birthday first and we agreed to eat whatever we wanted. Well, seeing as we celebrate birthdays for a week... then my birthday was two weeks later... then we went on vacation... and I discovered I could eat regular ice cream somewhere in there... damn Maggie Moos... but I stopped going out to eat because I realized I was starting back down a road I didn't want to travel again, plus the excess sugar DID start making me ill. I've learned I cannot eat pastries that were made with yeast - don't know why, but they don't like me. I also have no tolerance for rich sweets. A couple skittles here or something, sure.. but really even that makes me nauseous so, it's back to peanuts and protein bars as snacks. Anyway, I noticed that I've consumed a lot of milk in the past few days (low carb cereals and skim milk are ok, right?) Two side effects - increased cravings, I'm blaming the cereal on this and now severe sbdominal pain. I'm wondering if I'm lactose intolerant or if my exercise on Sunday was a little too vigorous. I see the Dr. Friday unless the pain stays this high, then I'll be at the ER.
I'm also really frustrated. After losing a size every 4-6 weeks, I've been sitting at a 16 for over a month. I've lost all of 5 lbs in that time as well. Mind you, I know I've been eating horribly and not doing what I should so I can't REALLY complain. Today I went back on my regimen and I'm praying this put me back into feeling good again. I don't like this other feeling at all.
So anyway, I'm a bad patient, but I'm also a quick study. I know what habits I've had to work hard to break and what new behaviours it's taken time to learn and I also have a clear view of my goals. I have 5 months before I'm at the year mark and by God I want to be at goal by then! I've got 70 lbs or so to lose and come hell or high water, I'm losing it.
If I'm limping, it's cause I had to take a leg off. :)
10/28/04
Tomorrow will be my one year anniversary. Where did the time go? More importantly, how have I spent that time? The crazy thing is, even though I've had about 6 months of "bad habits" resurfacing - which I'll get into in a second - overall, I've been living a new life. I would have the surgery again in a heartbeat. I'm still learning to love myself first and to remember to take care of myself before work and everything else - it's easy too fall back into the old rhythms of life in that regard.
So about a month ago, I get a call from Deanna - my dietician (who is the most awesome person to work with on this journey - love her!) and she asks me how I'm feeling. This is not a routine call, as she has just reviewed my labs. Apparently my executive decision that I didn't NEED to take my b-12 EVERY day and my Iron SURELY wasn't necessary all the time - was a very stupid decision.
In fact my levels were so low, she couldn't believe I wasn't in the hospital. (It's called sheer stupidity and God's mercy.)
If only the good die young, I may live forever.
So, I am ordered to start taking 2000 mcg of B-12 immediately. I had been taking 500... intermittently, so this was quite an up dosage. Then I was to double my iron intake. I was to do this for two weeks then go back on my regular regimen and STICK to it. I did and I am. I feel amazingly better. I hadn't realized how run down I had gotten. I also hadn't been losing weight, which was depressing me and now I am again.
Gosh darn it, those doctors DO know what they are talking about! I was all concerned about my calcium intake - because I'm shrinking (My doctors are skeptical but I was 6' tall for over 10 years and now I'm suddenly 5'11? That's SHRINKING!), and thus I ignored the truly important stuff.
I'm happy to say I was always getting my water in and I'm back to actively monitoring my protein intake - which had waned a bit. I've also cut back on the carbs which I had gradually increased. All in all, everything is good.
The difference in this versus before the surgery. I am actively aware of what I eat and what I am /am not doing to take care of myself and I have control. There are no random cravings and I can immediately feel / see results.
My journey is still continuing, I still have weight to lose. But my attitude if different and I'm excited again. I've found a gym partner - which is awesome and have been spending time at the gym, which makes me feel better amazingly enough. I never thought the day would come that I prefer salads, avoid mashed potatoes and bread and LIKE the gym.
I hope the people in hell appreciate the snow.
Anyway, I'll be in touch more often. Work is slowing down a bit so I'm getting a chance to concentrate more on myself. Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers. One year - sheesh, where does the time go?
