PAWLLA L.

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Well, here I am, it's 2013 and I'm trying to ride this ride again.  Looking to have a revision.  Have found a wonderful doctor...although she's 3.5 hours away, I can do most of the stuff here and then meet with her once everything is done.  I've tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING to lose the weight that I have regained but my doctor said that my stoma is 4-5 times bigger than what is should be therefor not working properly.  I've been so depressed over the weight gain but so happy now to finally have things looking up.  At least I know what to expect this time and I'm gonna work this tool like never before.  I did ok the last time but I'm gonna do so much better this time around.  My son may be having the surgery also.  He started out at 358 in November and is now 277.  He's doing really well but we both know that once he gets it all off (I'm doing all the cooking and reminding him to exercise), he won't be able to stay...he needs the tool to remind him and keep him where he's supposed to be.  But I am so proud of him, he's 17 and looking really good.  I will be posting updates as they come.  Excited to be back on, it's been a while.

Well, I am back and it has been a long time.  I am looking into havng the Lap Band surgery as a revision to the Gastric Bypass I had in 2007.  Has anyone done this or know of anyone who did?  I was doing great, lost 141 lbs and was just 34 lbs away from my goal and then some personal tragedies hit and I was put on medications and I gained 45 lbs in one month and have added on an additional 25 and I feel out of control.  I've got to get it off and I've tried everything and just can't do it on my own so here I am again, in the struggle and trying to win this fight.

What is wrong with me?  I feel like such a failure. I have been stuck at 235 for months now.  OK, I'm happy that I'm not gaining but I need to lose.  My goal is 199 and it's been 2 years since my surgery, I should have been there by now. I'm so mad at myself.  I'm eating like I did before, which means snacking all day, thank God my stomach won't allow me to eat too much.  I hate to exercise so I don't. I just don't know what to do with myself.  It's crazy, I refuse to return to 374 lbs. but I just can't seem to get down to where I want to be.  This is so depressing and I'm so ashamed of myself.  Sorry, don't mean to rant and rave, I just needed to get it out.  I was looking at others before/after pix and just started crying.  It's just not fair that I am not in that place mentally that I should be on track.  Why can't I stop this foolish behavior, why can't I stop the eating, why can't I exercise, why can't I get it together????  I'm so MAD!!!

Thought it was time to update my photos.  Don't look a whole lot different but hey...it's me.  I'm happy for the most part, still want to work on these last remaining pounds but they'll come off.  I give myself til the end of the year, at that point, wherever I am...I am, not gonna fret over it anymore.  Now it's time to start nipping and tucking, lol.  Hope all are doing well, my love, blessings and prayers go out to all of you!!!

Well here I am...still struggling but accepting it.  I'm at 235 I'm starting to think I'm supposed to be at this weight.  I still want to see 199.  My doctor now says 220 is where she wants me to be....I still see 199 smile.  I've been going through so much and letting food be my comfort.  My husband of six years believes in multiple marriages, yes I knew this when we got married but he said he would never do that to me....well here we are six years later and he is seeing someone claiming her to be his common law wife.  It is a mess and I just want out but for right now I have to stay because I am getting ready to go back to school for a year and will need him financially but once I am done with school, I am done with him too.  This is a very painful experience to go through but I know God will bring me through and hopefully bring me a loving man who will put me first!!!  Love and prayers to all.

Well here it is May 3rd and I'm ashamed to say I am still struggling.  I am at 244, have gotten down to 239 then back up to 248 and now going down again.  This is so depressing.  I watched Oprah last week and she asked this man if he had thought of having weight loss surgery and he was like yeah but the surgery does nothing for your brain which is where the problem is and I was like, ugh, that is so me.  I've lost 130 lbs. and so happy about that, I've gone from a size 30/32 to 18/20 and I'm so happy about that but when I look in the mirror, I still see the old me.  I exercise and then I stop, I eat well and then I go back to grazing all day and making myself sick, by the way, I hope I never stop getting sick cuz that would just be a pass to continue eating.  I'm like, what is wrong with me?  Why can't I do this?  I only want to lose 45 more pounds, why can't I do this?  I don't want to be a size 8, I'm not concerned with getting "skinny" that I'll never be and I'm ok with that but I do want to see 199 and I can't even do that.  The first 130 lbs came off easy and now I have to work at it, which I'm willing to do but I can't get my head there.  Everytime I get sick I think ok, that was the last time, tomorrow it's the gym and I'm gonna stop, tomorrow comes and I'm like, well, I'll start tomorrow.  It's stupid of me to be going through this, I am 40 years old and should be able to control myself but I can't.  I am not eating crazy....well I am but I mean I am still eating small meals or if I don't eat a meal I'll graze on "100" calorie snacks all day...ok those 100 calories add up or I'll go out to eat and even if I don't the entire meal, what I did eat was enough calories for the entire day.  I'll get full and stop eating and then as soon as the full feeling wears off, I'm ready to eat again...I didn't even do that before the surgery.  I'm just sick with myself.  I went to a support group and loved it but as I work  3rd shift and the meeting is at night, I haven't been back, but trust, next week, I'm going back...no more excuses.  Why can't my head be where my stomach is?  I feel so frustrated, so ashamed, so stupid!!!!  Sorry but I needed to vent and this is my only outlet.  I do not want to gain the weight back and that is a real fear of mine.  I've come a long way and I don't want to mess up now.  Please pray for me!!!!

Hi all!!  First an update, my brother has not had his surgery yet, is supposed to go in in January because he is not doing what the doctors want him to so right now, it is on him.  Now for me, ugh!!!  I am struggling right now.  My weight is fluctating  between 248 and 252 I can't seem to get it moving again.  I hate this because I want to get to 200....well actually 199, smile but I can't seem to lose anything right now.  I figure the doctos say the first 18 months are critical so I have until April to get the 50 lbs off but as it looks right now, it's going to be hard.  I just have to get it off. What I am asking for are your prayers to get me through.  I am a big fan of prayer and know that the more prayer going out for you the more the Holy Spirit moves so please pray for me.  I love all of you and wish you a blessed holiday season.

I want to thank all of you for your prayers concerning my brother.  He is having a tough time of it and is now looking at having a bypass.  He goes in this week for a heart cath procedure and they will go from there on what to do.  So again, thank you.

On to happier news, I am now one year out and thought I'd share some statistics with you.  I am down 121 lbs. and 46 inches are off, more specifically, 12.5 from my bust, 4.5 from my upper arms, 9 from my waist, 12 from my hips, 5 from my thighs and 3 from my calves.  I am a happy camper.  I hit a couple of stalls along the way and now realize that the heard part has begun.  The first 121 lbs came off with virtually no work on my part so now I have to get busy.  I want to lose 53 more lbs to hit my goal and I realize I only have the next 6 months to get it off to be within that 18 month losing period so I've gotta get exercising and boy do I hate that. 

Looking back, do I regret having the surgery, I have to say yes and no.  I regret that I wasn't able to lose the weight on my own.  I regret that I can't take a day off and eat whatever I want to without getting sick.  But on the other hand, since I couldn't do it on my own, I don't regret that I have lost 121 lbs and am now fitting into clothes that I've only dreamed about over the last several years.  I like shopping now and I am so into wearing high heels now, smile.

It's been a long journey for me and one I'm still struggling with.  The surgery was the easy part, getting my head to think correctly is the hard part.  I'm back to snacking as I was before the surgery but can only do so much before I make myself sick so that is something I desperately have to work on along with exercising, gotta get back to that.  Once I have those two things under control, I'll be ok but I was obese for 38 years so changing those eating patterns is taking longer than I thought but I'll get there.  For one, I want it so bad and two, I know I'll be continuously sick if I continue on that horrid snacking pattern so I am thankful that I can only eat so much before feeling full and sick otherwise I might keep going. 

Just thought I'd share my one year story with you and I'll be posting some new photos soon.  God bless to everyone, thank you for your support during this last year and keep the prayers coming, I love each and every one of you!!!!

I just wanted to ask a big favor of all of you.  My brother, who is only 37, has had 2 heart attacks and has congestive heart failure.  He has just learned that he also has a valve leak and will need open heart surgery to repair it.  As of this morning, he spoke with a surgeon who told him that on a scale from 1-10 his heart is functioning at a 6  and because of everything going on, this makes him a "higher" risk than most and there is a real possibility he won't make it through surgery.  So I am just asking that you keep him and my family in your prayers.  We don't know yet when his surgery will be, they are running more tests and seeing if there may possibly be another option.  Thanks so much in advance.  God Bless!!!

Ok, I just had to share.  Yesterday at work, my supervisor came in and was asking me if I'd gotten my t-shirt from a retreat that we had a couple of weeks ago, I told her no and so she asked me what size I'd need, she told me that they ran small because she got a size bigger than what she wears and it was barely baggy on her, so in the meantime, the guy that I was working with noticed that another co-worker hadn't picked up her shirt yet so he held it up and said I think this size will work for you........I was like huh???  It was a size 5 or 6x, I was like I am not that big, thanks Jacob.  But then I got to thinking, I wear the same thing to work everynight, my husbands 5x sweatshirt, so yeah, I probably do look bigger than what I am, so I had my daughter take pictures of me in clothes that fit me "right" ( the one in the sweatshirt is the one I wear to work, the pink and brown shirts are XL and the black shirt is a size 14.....I would have never told  my sizes before, smile), so that I could see if there is a difference and well...now I see why he thought I would fit nicely in that shirt, smile.  I have added these pictures to my profile so take a look.  God bless.