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I am two years out and look fantastic in my clothes.  I have had a tummy tuck and breast lift which have made a big difference.  It seems like it has been a lot longer than 2 years since I started this journey.  I am grateful for the many changes it has made in my life.

1.  My husband can't take his eyes and hands off me.
2.  I am not afraid of many things anymore.
3.  I cross my legs.
4.  I ride roller coasters.
5.  I RUN!!!  How is that possible?!
6.  I am not the fattest person in the room, on the plane, in the restaurant, etc.
7.  People aren't afraid to sit next to me on a flight.
8.  I am wearing a size 8!!  Never even imagined that was possible.

I went shopping the other day with my husband and the sales lady was going to help me and looked at me and said, "what are you about a size 8?"  I looked at my husband and started laughing.  She probably thought I was crazy, but said "Yes" and just went on to buy new clothes.

Shopping has become fun.  My husband likes to take me and sit in the man chair or go in the dressing room with me to watch me try on clothes.  I model and he makes the choices.  He has bought me so many nice things.  He says I deserve it and always spends more than I think we should, but he doesn't hesitate because he says it makes me happy. 

He plans getaways for us and picnics and dances.  These are things that never happened before.  When we look at pictures he says he can't remember me looking like I used to because whenever he looked at me, he just saw me.  He has been incredible my whole life.  I am so eternally grateful for him.

I need to stay focused on my health and learn some new habits to ensure I stay at this weight and keep working out to keep my stamina and metabolism going.  It is time for me to reach out for some help.  I recognize my bad habits and need to find new ones to replace them.  I still don't know how to manage nutrition, but I never give up.

This is a lifelong journey and I will keep learning and improving. 

This time five months ago I was sitting in the hospital ready to tackle this life long challenge.  I was calm and ready to take it on.  I spent the following two months thinking it was the biggest mistake I ever made.  I became really scared.  I was so weak and depressed I wasn't sure life would ever be the same.  

Here I am a couple months later and I feel much better.  I still have a lot of issues but I understand them and can manage them now.  Compared to a lot of people I am very lucky.  I have never thrown up, but I do have a lot of stomach pains.  My hair is falling out like crazy.  Thank goodness I had a lot of hair. 

I have lost a total of 65 lbs.  That doesn't seem like a lot compared to a lot of people on this site.  But I am 47 years old and spend 3 hours a day in a car and 9-10 hours a day at a desk.  And I haven't given up.  I have gone from a size 26-28 to a size 18.  I am able to cross my legs and I love it.  I feel much more like a woman when I can do that.  I wore a sleeveless flirty spring dress to my nieces wedding.  That is a lifetime first.

I figure I am about half way on my weight loss.  I haven't been this size for over 10 years.  Last time was when I was on phen-fen (my favorite).  But this time I feel like this is permanent.

I still struggle with eatting enough protein and eatting at work.  I live on almonds during the day and I need to drink more water.  I also still struggle with getting enough exercise.  I try to work out in the mornings before work.  I never give up but there are many mornings I don't get it done because I have to go to work early.  Nothing new there.  I am probably only averaging about 3 days a week.  I need to do it every day.  I also need to work on strength building.  I am doing my exercise bike but my body is craving some yoga or weight training.  

I have accepted that this is a life long challenge.  I am owning it.  I need to remember to plan for my success.  I sometimes let life take over because I get so tired.  I definitely feel more tired but I have a lot more going on in my life.  I feel like I have a lot of energy, but then when it runs out, I am done.  So I just have to go to sleep to recoup.  I need more sleep.  I am running on fast forward on about 5-6 hours a night.  I lose more weight when I get more sleep.  

So, as usual, I know what I need to do to keep losing weight and being healthy.  Those things haven't changed with the WLS.  But I am making progress and believe I will continue to do so.  I look forward to my future because now I believe I have one.  Quite honestly, there were many many days I didn't think I would live to my surgery date.  I thought I would just stop breathing one day.  

I went to dinner with a friend recently and her sister in law died two weeks ago from sleep apnea.  She was only 40 years old.  I am so thankful that didn't happen to me.  I am so sorry for her family.  She has 3 little children.  The youngest is only 4 years old.  So sad.  

So I am very grateful and thankful that I can look to my future with optimism.  It is not going to be easy, but it is going to be happy and I am going to be thinner.  I wish all my fellow fighters out there much success and please send your encouragement back.  Let's help each other with this never ending battle.

Cheers everyone!

Yesterday was my 3 month anniversary.  I have lost 45 lbs.  I actually feel pretty good now.  I can handle most meals fine.  Whenever I have a problem, I know exactly why. 

My clothes are almost all too big.  I am waiting to go down one more size before I go shopping.  But at least I can tell a difference. 

Very few people have said anything.  My family of course all say I look wonderful, but they always do.  So who knows.  I am just going to keep at it.  If I can lose 45 lbs. in the next 3 months, that is what will really make the difference.  I haven't been that small in over 15 years.  So now I am at a point where I am really looking forward to the future and to see what I will look like at this age and getting my body back down to a reasonable size.

Until then.....I remain joyful in my pursuit of healthy living!

Cheers!  Oh yeah, that is a cheers with water now, for the record.

The past few days I have not had to work.  I have been home with my husband actually feeling good and enjoying myself.  I have had bursts of energy and have cleaned out closets and cupboards. 

I went through my kitchen and donated all the food I couldn't eat.  I went through the cabinets in my bathrooms.  I hate to say it has been years since I have done that.  I actually found my wedding rings there in an old jewelry holder.  I have been in a cleaning frenzy.

Then I went into my closet to try on some clothes that have not fit me for years.  Everything fits!!!  I have actually started to collect clothes that no longer fit me and get ready to donate them.  My husband actually made a few requests and I tried things on for him and he liked it so much he had to take my picture.  How cute is that?!  I can't wait until I get rid of everything in my closet.  I posted my leather coat on EBay already.  Looking forward now to spring when I can go buy some fresh new clothes in a smaller size.  I keep dreaming about it almost every night. 

I am starting to feel like some of the old me is coming back.  I can't wait for Spring when it is warm enough to get outside more and start hiking the beautiful areas around me.  Me actually went for drives looking for places we could hike when it gets warmer. 

I am on my third week of no weight loss.  This is when I would give up on diets in the past and start to gain all my weight back.  I have lost 24 pounds in 6 weeks.  And actually I lost the 24 lbs. in 3 weeks and have lost NOTHING in the past 3 weeks.  It is driving me crazy!  Why go through all of this and not lose weight. 

I know intellectually that I will eventually lose weight.  But I see posts with people losing 60 lbs. in the same amount of time that I lose 24.  I have not cheated AT ALL.  I am drinking my water and my protein.  I live on cottage cheese and eggs and some chicken.  I just don't understand this.

I went back to work 2 days ago.  That is totally depressing.  I absolutely hate it right now.  There was a huge lay off while I was gone and the entire senior management team left with the exception of our CEO (it is his company) and our VP of Sales.  I am now back to working long days.  Leaving at 7am and getting home at 7pm. 

My husband is so mad at me right now he is not even talking to me.  And it is raining outside. 

Other than that, I am breathing.  I wish I could just crawl back under the covers and wake up when it is all different.  I have no energy.  But I know I have to pick myself up.  Put on my fake smile, go to work and figure out a way to make this all better.  When it changes and I figure it all out, I'll let you know. 

I have one more weekday before I go back to work and begin my life again.  This past few days have been pretty good.  I feel sick and weak in the morning, but then once I get up and get some food in me I start feeling better.  I have forced myself out of the house, which came with multiple benefits:
 
1.  I had to get dressed, which meant putting on real clothes instead of just sweats.  And once I put on my clothes I could tell a big difference in how they fit.  I wore a blouse that I always thought was just too small.  I thought I looked great all day.  At the end of the day, my husband told me it actually looked too big for me.  Ha!!  I still don't think so, but it was sweet that he thought so.  My pants are definitely too big now.  And only at a month.  I have no idea what I am going to wear to work next week, but I am sure with all the sizes in my closet I will come up with something.

2.  I got fresh air which made me feel alive.  It made me feel good.  I was in the house for so long because I felt so bad, that I think I was mentally caught up in my own misery.  Once I got out, I felt the energy of the world and wanted to be a part of it again.  I didn't want to go home once I was out.  I realized the beauty of the area we live in and want to spend my days appreciating it. 

3.  I went shopping.  I went to a local Harley Shop and tried on clothes.  It was fun.  I actually already bought a smaller size.  I bought something for my husband as well.  It made us both happy. 

So even though I am not looking forward to going back to work, I am looking forward to becoming a part of the world out there again.  I am getting my hair done today, finalizing the plans for a new business tomorrow, going to my mom's for the weekend and going back to work Monday.

This concludes the 3 months off that I have taken to change my life.  From here on out, I have laid the foundation for a new beginning.  It is up to me to set proper goals, keep the proper attitude and make it an even better future from here.

Here's to the future!

Cheers!

I am totally frustrated.  I keep trying to remain positive but truth be known I long for my life prior to surgery.  I cannot move.  I keep reading blogs about people working out and I cannot move.  Every time I get up or walk I get shooting pains where my major incision is.  The pain medicine does not seem to help anything except make me go to sleep in whatever spot I land in.  I hate how I feel on the medicine.  I dream weird dreams.  I can barely lift my arms and I feel all drugged up in the head.  I hate it. 

A week ago tomorrow I walked all over the outlets and felt great.  I must have just done too much.  Since then, I have the worst pain of my life.  I also went grocery shopping.  I don't know what happenned but it sucks.  It didn't feel like I hurt anything at the time, but it sure hurts now.  I keep thinking time will heal, but I am starting to wonder.

I feel really bad for my husband.  He doesn't handle this well at all.  He is torn between sitting here with me and running away as fast as he can.  He doesn't sit still and this sitting is driving him crazy too.  He wants me to be like I was before too. 

Prior to my surgery he used to say this period will be like a pregnancy and that it will suck and I will complain but it will be worth it in the long run.  Well the suck part is true. 

I keep reading success stories on here which are encouraging.  They keep me going.  I don't know what choices I have.  If this is not better by Monday, I am going to go camp at the doctors office until I get some answers.  I want to feel better. 

I don't care about eatting.  I was ready to not eat.  I just can't handle this pain.  It is exhausting!!!

It seems like all the stories I hear are from people who have depression and tough times due to their weight.  I honestly think I have been in denial for most of my adult life.  I am not even sure when I gained the weight.  I was always heavy, but my last definite memory of my weight was when I got married and I weighed about 160 lbs.  Now over 20 years later I am "morbidly obese".  Even that was just words to me.  As long as I could remember (even when I weighed 160) doctors would always tell me my problems would all be solved if I just wouldn't stress and I would lose weight.  But NO ONE ever gave me a plan of how to do that.  So I spent the next 20 years stressing out at work and family and ignoring my health and my looks.  When I look in the mirror I see something completely different than when I see pictures of myself.  I had convinced myself that I was just not photogenic.  But I am a numbers person and numbers don't lie.  The number on the scale was disgusting.  So I threw away my scale and decided to be happy.  I have not let my weight stop me from traveling.  I have traveled over most of the world, seat belt extension in hand.  I have an amazing husband and the best sex life of anyone I know. 

My husband always looked at me with love and my weight was never an issue for him.  He loves me unconditionally.  He had a heart attack 2 years ago.  It completely changed the way we ate.  He is very strong and just said, I no longer will eat red meat.  And we both quit.  We gave up pizza and ice cream for seafood and salads.  He quickly lost 30 lbs.  I never lost anything.  We became more active with biking and golfing and I still wouldn't lose. 

Reality was I couldn't lose weight easily anymore.  It used to be when I focused on it, I could drop weight pretty easy.  it just somehow slipped back up.  My husband and I were sitting in the hot tub (our place to talk) and he mentioned lap band because he heard about Sharon Osbourne.  He kept mentioning it for several weeks.  I finally broke down crying and said he was the only person who never looked at me like a fat person and now he was.  It was my wake up call. 

After much soul searching I realized he was right.  He always had my best interests at heart.  He said I could do whatever I wanted, he would love me no matter what.  I knew it was true. 

I am now 21 days past my surgery and feeling the need to talk about it.  So I am starting this blog.  I have never talked about my weight much and made it clear to people around me I didn't want to talk about it.  So I never did.  Now I need to talk about it.