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I had my surgery yesterday, and all went well. I will admit, though, last night, I wondered what the hell I had done to myself.  The gas pains I had were SO bad, and it's still hard to get in deep breaths.

I can't believe I am actually here, it's done, and I really do get to start my new life!

and a wake-up, and this gal goes under the knife (or under the laproscopic machine, whatever.  details.) 
Thursday, June 17th, 2010.  1 PM.  St. Francis Hospital.   Topeka, KS.

The day my life will forever change.

I want to throw up thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong.  I want this surgery more than anything.  I need this surgery.  But thinking about having my guts rearranged in less than 36 hours makes me want to projectile vomit my protein shakes all over the freaking wall...

So, here it is, 2 AM...and guess who can't sleep?  This Nervous Nellie, that's who.  I have scoured the pages of OH help tonight, looking for before and after pictures.  Mostly, I have looked at a lot of the old profile pictures that come up on the home page.  You know the ones...many are from people who had the surgery 5-10 years ago.  I wonder where so many of those people are now?  I like to think that they haven't updated thier profile pages because they are busy living life now...they are no longer chained to the confines of online living.  This is my hope, anyway...and someday, believe it or not, I hope to be one of those people.  I want to chronicle this journey of mine, so that someday, I can share it with my children.  But, once I get to a certain point in my life, I want to be able to close the chapter, and move on, and forward.  This is what I imagine so many people have done. 

OMG WHAT IN THE HELL AM I ABOUT TO DO TO MYSELF??????  I know it's worth it.  I really do.  And I truly am really ready for this...I have waited so long, and fought so hard, and maybe that's why this whole thing seems so surreal...it's really going to happen.  In 36 hours, I am going to be in surgery.  Holy freaking shit.

OK...in an effort to thwart yet another round of  self doubt, I have some more list of things that I can't wait to do/not do.  These always help me remember that the end is worth the means, so here goes...

I can't wait to wear a bra that doesn't have 1000 clasps on the back.  Holy Geeze these are annoying.
I can't wait to not have to slingshot my underwear and pants on.  Yeah, that will be real nice.
I can't wait to feel my husbands arms all the way around me.
I can't wait to walk through the mall again.  Man, I miss shopping...like, I really, really, miss it....
I can't wait to not have to adjust my steering wheel and seat as far apart as they will go.
I can't wait until my knees and ankles feel better. 
I can't wait until my sleep apnea is no longer an issue.

Alright, crisis averted for now.  I am not sure if I will post again before surgery or not.  If not....

I will see you on the losing side!  ( I can't believe I am finally saying that!!!)

Loves to all!
Kylie

you've all been wondering where your witty friend was, right?  (sure you have... )  I have been lurking around, and while I have thought of many things I would like to write in a new blog post, when I would go to compose, the words did not seem to manifest themselves on paper (on screen?  whatever).   Anyway, I think I am finally ready to break back into the blogosphere, and enlighten no one but myself really on my daily happenings.

Talk about a month this has been since I last posted.  Whew.  When I found out in early May that I had been approved for surgery, six weeks seemed like SO FAR away...and now I am down to T minus 9 days and counting until the big day.  I have told just about EVERYONE I could possibly tell that I am having the surgery, and strangely enough, it's been extremely liberating.  I really had felt initially that I wouldn't tell people until after the surgery, but I had a job change recently, and returned to the corporate office (I had been working from home....sigh...gone are the days of rolling out in jammies to go to work).  Of course, being the incredibly awesome person that I am (), everyone seemed really happy to have me back.  Then it hit me...I think the big man above made this change happen now, so that I have a support system in place when I do go back to work.  Hmmm...funny how those things have a tendency to work out, huh?  So, anyway, as I was settling in again in the corporate world, more and more wishes of welcome backs turned into conversations about my upcoming surgery...and again, nearly everyone (with the exception of a couple of old bats who's opinions don't hold weight for me, anyway) was very supportive.

I have one hurdle left to cross, and that is to tell my maternal grandmother.   Any volunteers?  (I pay cash! )  The rest of my family has been fantastic.   If anything, this whole experience has really taught me to put more faith in others.  While I look at myself, and exclude myself, because of my weight, this whole time I had a support system that I didn't utilize.  I am supposed to be the strong one, the funny one, the one who you can count on. How arrogant of me that I didn't give enough credit to those around me to be able to handle my big, fat (literally) taboo issue.  I am going to work on this...

So, tomorrow starts the pre-op diet.  I honestly don't know how I am going to handle it.  It's not that I don't want to do the diet, because I most certainly do.  I mean, I am having life changing surgery to gain some semblance of control over my weight.  But already, and I haven't even started yet, I am yearning for different food that I feel like I didn't get to eat "one last time".   Where the hell is this coming from?  In my rational mind, I know that someday, I am going to get to eat again.  No, I know that it will not be like I can now, THANK GOODNESS.   I really must get some appointments set up with my therapist to get some of these issues under control.  Surgery is not going to make them go away, and I don't ever want to wind up where I am right now, again...

Also, I want to shop SO FREAKING BAD I can't hardly stand it.  Everyday, I go online to Lane Bryant to check out sale specials and such, and I always fill a shopping cart with enough merchandise to take full advantage of my gift checks.  I just have no idea what size I will be, though, so I always close the browser down and tell myself to be patient, that I will have plenty of reasons to shop and better know what size I am before I know it.  However, the next day rolls around, and guess who is on the freaking internet again shopping for clothes?  Yup, you guessed it.  I'm pretty sure that I am going to be a clothing monster when this is all said and done.  I mean, this girl can shop already.  My husband and children have no room left in their closets or drawers...
I however, have lots of room.  (Now, I may or may not be leaving out the fact that I have tub full upon tub full of my clothing in various sizes in the basement, but who's really going to count that?!?!)  So, bring it on!

Well, I guess that about sums up the rambling bloggie for tonight.  I pledge to you, OH besties, that I will try not to slack again with my titillating updates, as I know you wait for them with baited breath....

Until then...loves to you all!

Kylie

Well, I guess I should say, I want to be able to easily reach and scratch when I have a spot that itches.  I had one of those today that would not go away.  It was right below my left butt cheek (yup, I used butt cheek instead of buttock)  toward the inside of my thigh.  Right at that place where you can't reach it going through the middle, and can't reach it going around.  So, I rubbed my rear on everything that I could find to try to get rid of it...and just when I thought we were in the clear...BAM.  Back again.  Stupid spot.  So, adding to my ever growing list of things I can't wait to do is....

BE ABLE TO SCRATCH THE HELL OUT OF THAT STUPID SPOT WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

Now that I have spent a whole paragraph talking about my skin irritation of the day (ew, that sounds gross), let's move on to more appealing matters. And, OMG, now that I am writing about it the damn thing is starting again....seriously???
 
I am officially on the countdown to surgery.  37 MORE DAYS!!  This is actually going to happen.  I have been telling more and more people, and surprisingly enough, all have been supportive. I think that they are all just afraid I might have a heart attack on their floor or something.   Honestly, I think that I didn't give them enough credit.  I know that I have great family and friends, but I think that I just thought that they would all think it was just another thing that I was trying(Did you catch all the thinking in that sentence?) However, almost everyone has told me that they think it's great that I am doing this now, and that they know that I will be successful.  I have been very blessed!

Tonight I saw the story on FOX news about the woman who was trying to eat herself to 1,000 lbs.  My heart goes out to her.   I think she has so many emotional issues about her weight, there is no way that she is happy.  I know just how miserable I am,  and she has nearly doubled my weight...as obese people we can lie to ourselves about pretending to be happy and confident in a lot of the decisions that we made to get us to this point, but the reality is, we have issues...

OHHH, I have other things on my can't wait to do list.....

I can't wait to be able to cross my legs.
I can't wait to not waddle.
I can't wait to not have a double chin!! 
I can't wait to paint my toenails again without wanting to pass out...and let me tell you, they need painted!
I can't wait to wear a matching panty and bra set (and I don't give a crap if it's from Lane Bryant, I just don't want to have to keep wearing stupid old woman bras)

Oh, ALSO....I see so many people set their goals on here as wanting to be able to shop in the regular clothing department.  I think this is an awesome goal for many people...however for me, while I think it is definitely something I will attain...I must admit, that at 6' tall, I am never going to be a delicate little flower.  I'm pretty much built like a linebacker for my beloved Chiefs.  I will be perfectly happy to snatch up all the size 14 and 16 clothes from Lane Bryant and such that are always on sale because people don't want to believe that they are big enough to shop in a fat store.  I'm just saying....

Some of my overweight friends have told me that they are going to be jealous when I start losing weight so quickly.  When I tell them that honestly, if I could do this without surgery, I would, I am not sure if they believe me or not.  A few of these are kind of "association" friends, but they are the ones saying the most.  They may become toxic...and they may not. I am going to give them the benefit of the doubt, but stay on my toes.  Hopefully, I can be an inspiration to them to get healthy, whether it's through dieting or surgery.  If not, well, This is MY journey, and I am going to be happy and healthy, come hell or high water!

JUNE 17TH, 2010!  Less than 6 weeks away!  My pre-op appointment is 06.08.10...It's all REALLY going to happen, I can't believe it!

More to come later, I have to get back to work (like I am REALLY going to be able to concentrate now, right????)

This Girl is!!   I just called the insurance company today, and I was approved today!!  (actually, I called them twice, so that I could get two different people to tell me that, yes, in fact, I am APPROVED!!!! Yes, I realize this makes me neurotic.)

I don't have a date yet, as I haven't heard back from the surgeon's office (considering the approval just happened this morning, I wouldn't have expected to have heard from them yet)  so I will update that when I find out! 

WHOO-FREAKING-HOOO!!!

The happy dance is happening here, folks...

So, In an effort to thwart the nervous, I wanna throw up anxiety I feel right now while waiting for an answer from Insurance, I have decided to make a list of my "THINGS I CAN'T WAIT TO DO" (it would make me feel better if you would say that out loud as you read it, in the deep, echoing, booming voice that I imagine in my head).

So, here they are, in no particular order, and all apologies to those thing that I can't wait to do that I can't think about right now, but am probably really sure should be included on this list, too...

OK, back the bus up...I will get to those things I can't wait to do, but first, I am going to list the things I can't wait NOT to do (mostly, because, well, they are more important, anyway)...

1.) To NOT have to worry about the size of any seat.  I want to be able to park this rear wherever I damn well please.
2.)  To NOT have to worry about how far I am going to have to walk, or how much my back, or knee, can take.
3.)  To NOT have swelling in my ankles after working all day.  Man, that would be really nice.
4.) To NOT worry that I could have a heart attack any moment. 
5.) To NOT worry that I am not setting a good enough example for my kids' lifestyle.
6.) To NOT shy away from my husbands affectionate touches because I don't want him to run his hands over a mound of fat....


OK, now that we have the important stuff, let's get to the frivolous, slightly less (in some cases, in others way less!) but still important to me things I can't wait to do....

I can't wait...
1.)  To rock a pair of jeans that aren't stretchy.
2.)  To rock a pair of smokin' hot heels with said jeans.
3.)  To not have to move my seat back and the steering wheel up as far as they go to be able to fit in my car!
4.) To have confidence to run into anyone from my past and not automatically think they are thinking about how big I am.
5.) To be able to shop without sweating like something in heat.  I Shopping!
6.) To take a vacation with the hubbers to someplace with white sandy beaches...
7.) To run and play with my kids, and not just stand there and watch.
8.) To talk walks as a family, and bike rides, and who knows what else? 
9.) To look in the mirror and see a reflection of who I am on the inside. 
10.) to take back control.

OK, so that was a lot heavier mental exercise than I thought it would be...apparently some of those deep seeded issues are trying to work their way out...I promise I have TONS of stuff I can't wait to do, but apparently, just as I decide to make a list for posterity, that stuff has pleaded the fifth.  More to come later.

Well, I guess that about wraps up tonight's insight into my psyche, until next time...keep your fingers crossed for me, and throw up some prayers, please! 

Last week, I had emailed Rachelle at Tallgrass and asked her the next step in the process.  She informed me she was still waiting on the report from the dietitian, and that once she had it, she would let me know and then submit to insurance.  As of yesterday, I still hadn't heard from her, and it was quickly approaching two weeks since I had my appointment with the dietician, so I emailed her again asking if I needed to call and see what was taking so long.

She emailed me back this morning, and said she finally received the report, and that she faxes 49 pages over to my insurance company this morning!  So now begins the REAL wait....

I am coming more and more to terms with this "food is my friend" thing.  By coming to terms, I mean that I am inviting my friend over every damn chance I get.  Is this normal to want to eat all the time right now?  I have been so anxious about this surgery, that is seems like I am stuffing as much food into my chubby face as my sausage fingers can manage to hold.  What gives?  Man, I have some issues to work out!

So, please, please, I am asking for prayers right now that I get approved...hopefully I hear back soon!

or rather, come and call me Rachelle from surgery!  (Go ahead, sing it to the tune, it works!<---and yes, I know what a big dork this makes me.  It's a chance I'm willing to take) Waiting really is the hardest part, huh?  I mean, I am absolutely, certifiably as anxious as I think any one person can be right now.  WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO TAKE SO LONG?  When I think about the whole injustice of practically begging the insurance for a life-saving surgery, it makes me one hot momma...so I try not to think about it too often.  But every once in awhile, my active (thank goodness something is!) little mind will wander, and I find myself in a fightin' frame of mind.  Or maybe I'm hungry.  I get those feelings all confused (totally, totally kidding...kind of).

I went to see the dietitian on Wednesday.  I think I have literally ate appetizers bigger than this little thing.  I mean, I am not a small woman.  Obviously, I am fat, but I am also 6' tall.  This little lady was MAYBE 5'.   With her heels.  And I swear to you she may have weighed 90 lbs.  I am used to dwarfing most of my friends when we go places, but I am telling you, I have NEVER felt more like David and Goliath than walking down that hallway with that itty bitty lady.   By the way, you would think that the hospital would not make the really fat people of the world walk ALL THE WAY TO THE BACK of the hospital to meet with their tiny little dietitions...on the other hand, maybe that's why they are so tiny. The absurdity of me telling this person how much weight I wanted to lose (which was at LEAST double what she herself weighed) after my fat ass had walked all through the hospital and I was sweating like a stuck pig (OH, and after I had to ask for a fat chair since all they had were little skinny arm chairs in the office).....I just had to laugh.   What else can you do?  All that aside, she was really nice.  Once insurance approves this (notice I am saying once, not if...the power of positive thinking, right???) I have to meet with her again about 6-8 weeks out, or once I would start to transition back t real food. 

So, that's where we stand.  I am playing the waiting game, which I think I have mentioned before, I do not excel at.  We shall see how it goes.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, please, that it will go quickly and that I will receive good news!

Random thought of the day...I really don't like the saying "I killed two birds with one stone"  How did this ever make it into our everyday catchphrases?  Seriously?  I don't say "I killed two skunks with one tire", although, it would probably be a more realistic statement.  Anyway....

I got two major things accomplished today.  #1--I had my visit with Dr. Dunshee.  What a nice guy.  He really seemed to take his time with me and answer any questions that I had.  I really liked him, however, one thing I couldn't keep my mind off of...he kept saying "and stuff".  I think that WLS would be good for you...awkward little pause...and stuff.  Call me crazy, but I think it's a little weird that a surgeons awkward filler for silence is "and stuff:"  I wanted to giggle each time he said it, but I managed bite my tongue.   He is a super nice guy, though, and seemed to think that I was an excellent candidate for surgery.  Rachelle, the bariatric nurse, was really nice and helpful, too.  However, I have to have my PCP send in an alternate letter, because the one I had him send in said he thought the lap band would be good for me.  (that's what I had originally thought about, but after much research, decided against)  Hopefully I can get him on the ball and get that sent in so we can get this puppy going.   I was supposed to have my appointment with the dietitian today, but some emergency came up for her today, so instead I have to meet her tomorrow at 10:30, which means another half day of vacation time...oh well,  Such is life.  Who needs vacation, anyway, right?  I mean, I work and would love nothing better than to spend an extra day there...(I'm pretty sure I am about to float away in a puddle of sarcasm).

#2 accomplishment...I told Mom and Dad.  BOY AM I GLAD THATS OVER.  They took it really well.  I was a little worried, since several months ago I had told them I was thinking about the lap-band, and now I am going for the RNY.  They were worried, of course, as to be expected, but told me that they would support me.  My mom wants me to continue with the psychological part, which I planned on doing, anyway.  I just laid it out for them.  We have long standing issues between us rooting back to HS days, and they way things were handled with my weight then.  But, as I told them, all of that is in the past.  It's 15 years later, and we just have to look forward to the future.  They agreed, and told me to keep them updated about everything.  I can get so frustrated with them sometimes, but they can really surprise me, too. 

So, needless to say, I am wiped out.  It's been an emotional day.   The waiting is going to be excruciating, as I am not a very patient person (that may just be the biggest understatement of my entire life).   Please, if you could, send some prayers up and keep your fingers crossed for me that all goes well.  Talk to you all soon!!