kcanges
Diet history and letters are at the bottom of my profile, updates moved to the top.
Ok, here are my pre-op measurements:
Height 5'3"
..........6/20.....8/27.....10/6......11/17....1/06
Hips....54.75.....51.......49.......47.......45
Waist...54.......47.5.....44........38.......37
Chest...51........46......42..........40.......39
*Thigh...32........24......23.5......22.......22.5
(thigh measurements haven't been very consistent some were taken higher or lower on the leg so they look funny)
Arm.....17.5......15......15.......14.5.......14
Bra......44........38......36.........34.......34
Butt....(??).....45.5.....45.........43.......40.5
234 - Official weight on 6/12/01
193 - Unofficial weight on 8/27/01
190 - Official weight on 9/19/01
180 - Unofficial weight on 10/1/01
167 - Official weight on 12/17/01
154 - Official weight on 2/11/02
140 - Unofficial weight on 6/18/02
165 - Unofficial weight on 09/16/02
155 - Unofficial weight on 02/10/03
128 - Official weight on 2/11/04
135 - Official weight on 9/2/04
145- Official weight on 5/4/07
Journal and updates
6/20/07
Hello all you wonderful people who are thinking about or have had WLS. Today I am officially SIX YEARS Post op. I can hardly believe it. And even though I haven't posted here in two years, the big news is how little news there actually is. My marriage is still going strong. My weight has gone up a bit in the last couple of years, but I am just not focused on that. I really believe that what is important are my habits, not my results. That is what I preach, that is what I practice.
I read Paul Campos's book "The Obesity Myth" and was just blown away. I am more convinced than ever that our culture needs to stop focusing so much on a person's weight as if it it equated with their health and instead start focusing on what is real about health, like eating balanced foods and exercising regularly. And as you ALL know, those two things do not a skinny person make.
So, I'm a bit of a missionary, out to spread the word that nobody should "diet". And don't hand me that line about how your diet isn't a "diet". If your focus is on weight loss, it's a diet. Statistically, all dieting has ever done is make people fatter. Most people would NOT be here reading this if they had not been dieting most of their lives. Instead of focusing on losing weight, we would be better off focusing on things we know extend our lives. Exercise is a big part of that. So is good nutrition, but it's very hard to find nutrition information that is not biased toward weight loss. Whole grains, lean protiens and a good variety of fresh fruits and vegetables are the best advice I've ever heard and that applies to EVERYONE. I have not interest in portion control, calorie counting or anything that calls itself a "substitute". But, that's just me. Has this made me skinnier? Probably not, but it definitely makes me healthier. And they tell me I'm "hot". So even for the vain (which I am), this approach seems to work.
The best part about this surgery is that I will NEVER AGAIN be on a DIET. And neither should YOU, I don't care how much you weigh. I am always happy to answer questions and be a resource for others on this board. Till next year I guess....
6/20/05
So, there I was last night, sitting with my gorgeous husband and it was just past midnight and I checked my email and there was this message saying Happy Anniversary. I got all teary eyed and my husband asked what it was. I said, it's been FOUR years since I had my surgery. Four years from the most life changing thing I've ever done and my life has transformed so much that I need an email to be reminded. I hope that is a good sign for all of you. I have not forgotten any of what I've been through, but I have thoroughly moved on.
So I am still a pretty small person, about a size 10 and that's just fine. I've gained a few pounds lately, but I'm not worried about it. I am reading The Obesity Myth by Paul Campos and I SO Recommend it. He's pretty down on WLS, but he also glosses over the fact that truly morbidly obese people are different than overweight and obese people. Everything he says about dieting and public attitudes is RIGHT ON. That book and Laura Fraser's "Losing It" are my best reading recommendations.
I'm also doing Hatha Yoga every week with my husband. He loves it and gets a great workout and I love it too. I'm healthy and happy. I eat what feels right, follow basic rules, try to exercise as much as possible (without making it a chore) and my weight is just fine. My husband loves me and loves my funny little pouch of a tummy. We're going to be working on a baby soon. This surgery continues to be everything I'd hoped for. Please feel free to email me if you have questions. I can't believe I'm four years out and writing all of this. Blessings to all of you out there who have lived with obesity, no matter where you are in your journey.
12/17/04
Ok, so it's been WAY too long since I updated. But I got married and got a new job and it all kept me very busy. I got a new picture up though and wanted to post a little something too. My weight is up about ten pounds from when I last posted, but I really don't care. And I honestly mean that. I'm holding steady at 135 which is in the "ideal" range for my height. I'm still a size 8/10 but I'm past the desire to wear 8's just because I can. Now I mostly wear 10s because they're really more comfortable and I'm all about comfort. My husband is extremely loving and he loves my flabby tummy. He says I have the softest skin he's ever felt and that my tummy is extra soft. Do you suppose this is because the skin has loosened? That's my theory. I'm having some medical problems these days with my bladder. I don't think it's at all related to the surgery, but it is a real bummer. Has anyone out there heard of or been diagnosed with interstitial cystitis? That's the current theory. I have a lot of thoughts about the surgery and would like to go into detail about it, but I don't have time right this moment. I just want to re-iterate that I am very happy with my results and would do it again in a heartbeat.
3/10/04 - 2 years and nine months post op
Well, I've had some thoughts lately that I wanted to share and my profile seemed like a good place for it. First of all, I'm STILL losing weight. I weighed in at 126 on the doctor's scale recently and that's just insane to me. My original goal was 125, but I never expected to reach it. And I am embarrassed to say it, but sometimes I forget how it was being heavy. This really bothers me. But I am really getting skinny now. My size 10 jeans are really too big for me and I can wear 6s with no problem. I think if I had a Panni, I'd be a size 4. What's up with that? I was so worried last year when I had that brief regain, that I have held on to all my size 14 clothes for all this time. I finally let some of them go last week because I'm actually feeling like I might never be that big again.
And people are starting to tell me not to lose any more weight. Well, the thing is that it's not like I'm a WLS saint or anything. I mean I slip in a piece of cookie here and there, and I know my carb intake is too high. Occasionally I drink soda, mostly just sharing it with my honey, but still, that's the biggest WLS sin there is. Trust me, if this was a diet, I'd be off the wagon. And yet, my weight is either steady or decreasing no matter what I do. It's like all that time that I couldn't lose weight is very similar to now, it doesn't seem to have anything to do with my behaviour.
The biggest thing that keeps me in check is that I dump pretty bad. I find that particularly during and right after my period, I dump on almost anything that isn't pure protien. I also dump on things like potatoes and pasta and salad dressing. Oh, and sugar of course. Sometimes people notice that just after I've eaten I don't look so good. I explain that this happens after I eat. Twice people have said "every time you eat?" And the truth is it's more often than not. I can control it, by making very, very good food choices, but most of the time, I try to eat off the menu. Oh, I eat out almost exclusively, that is part of the problem, but a long story. So be warned pre-ops, you will really have to pay attention to every meal. Or, you may not dump at all. I know it's a mixed blessing because it keeps me from eating nothing but crap, but it sucks that I dump so often. I still consider it a small price to pay for my improved health.
So here is the other problem I have and I know all of you pre-ops will groan, but it's true. I don't fit into anything anymore. I don't want to run out and buy a bunch of size 6 clothes because I don't want to put a lot of pressure on myself that I have to stay a size 6. On the other hand, I'm secretly hoping/worried that I'll drop even more weight and be an even smaller size. And this bothers me the most. I mean, I have found a wonderful man who doesn't care if I gain it all back. Plus I "look great" as long as you don't look at the actual hanging skin. And I'm truthfully smaller than most of the women I know. And I'm the one who was always on a high horse that we should accept our weight no matter what. And here I am, checking the scale every day, making sure it's not really above 125, hoping it will drop down to 120. My scale is a little lighter than my doctor's, I only post doctor scale weights. But the point is, I just can't shake this mentality. So, no great words of wisdom here, only musings and ramblings from a post op.
2/16/04
I noticed it's been forever since I posted. Bad Kathryn. I am still losing weight and looking forward to my wedding. I still consider this a huge success and would recommend it to anyone.
6/20/03
Can it really be two years? No way. It's so hard to believe it. Two years ago I weighed 95 pounds more than I do today. I had been chubby, then fat, then obese, the morbidly obese. Then I did the scariest thing I've ever done and by gumby it worked. Everything changed for me the day I had my RNY. It is definitely a crossing over.
Over the past two years I've become more and more accustomed to being a "normal" person. I am less sensitive to the diet commercials and fat jokes and needlessly cruel comments. But I will NEVER really get over these things. I still feel I'm a fat person looking skinny. But I've been able to be more than a fat person too. And that has been a very liberating experience.
I had a real scare last fall when I started regaining and went back to 165. I was scared that the surgery had failed, scared that I had failed. And I was dissapointed in myself both because I was heavier than I wanted to be, and because it bothered me so much. Now I am down to 140 again and I am still scared. For some reason I still want to be a size 10 when I get married next May. The desire to be skinny and pretty is very real.
I must say that through it all my health has only improved. I have some things I live with due to the surgery. I do dump and sometimes it's very unpleasant. But I know lots of people who have sensitive stomaches and I don't think they're any better off. I can now climb to my third floor office with only a minor amount of heavy breathing. I can keep up with my fiancee when we hike in the mountains. I see my chiropractor every few months instead of every week. I just don't have a lot of the problems I used to. It's truly a wonderful thing.
From a personal standpoint, I'd have to say that this surgery has been a great success and the second best thing that ever happened to me. My fiancee is first best, but I believe the surgery led to him so it's all one big great package. I still recommend lots of research and thought before having this surgery. But I am happy with my decision and have no desire to go back to my pre-op life. I'll keep you all posted on the wedding.
03/11/03
Before my surgery, I had some really big concerns that I'd never find love. I thought that even if someone did love me, I'd be too caught up worrying that they only loved the new me, not the old me. This was a big concern for me. I remember writing, maybe even on my profile that I figured if anyone ever wanted me, I'd have to whip out a picture of the old me and say "Yes, but would you want her?"
Then a year out from my surgery I meet this guy who's in a local band and I know he's attracted to me because I'm so skinny and would never have looked twice at me if I was still obese. But it didn't really matter because we were having a very superficial thing and it's not like it was love or anything.
Well, as I grew closer to him, I got more and more concerned about the fact that I'd never told him about what I'd been through. I tell everybody else, but it didn't seem like information he needed at first. Then when I did think I should share, I couldn't find the right words or approach. Suddenly, two weeks ago, after nine months of knowing him, he told me he loved me. And even then, I didn't know how to tell him. I tried so many times and I just couldn't do it. So last night, I finally did it. I took a deep breath and whipped out my worst pre-op picture. I handed it to him and he said "is this my baby?" I sort of nodded. He held it up next to his face and said: "I think we make a cute couple." I was floored. He couldn't have said a more perfect thing.
Later, he told me that he loved me in all sorts of ways, and he said, "and you know that girl in the picture you showed me today, I love her too." Again, the perfect thing to say. I know that he and I wouldn't be together if I had been obese when we met. But there are lots of things in his life past that could have prevented us from being together too. And he loves me now and he loves all of me. I feel like that fat girl is getting his love just as much as the post-op girl. And boy are both girls happy. We took pictures last weekend and they are coming soon. Did I mention he's GORGEOUS!!!! :)..........
Anyway, that is my happy news. The other nice thing about him is that he is wonderful about my food needs, and he trusts me completely. If I say it's ok, I can have a treat, he believes me. If I tell him, I just need to get some protein, he caters to me. And he always watches to make sure I'm getting my vitamins. He is very good for me in lots of ways.
02/10/03
Yes, I've been away too long. Just a few quick updates here. I think I experienced something many people do. I was at a very low weight when I last posted. A weight I couldn't maintain. I then gained quite a bit, almost 30 pounds. This was horrifying. I felt like such a failure. Then I realized that I could really see why I had gained. I really was eating a lot of sugar, like a whole peice of cake or several twix bars in a day. And my exercise had dropped off to almost nothing. I reluctantly saw my surgeon and he gently reminded me of a few of the basics and it worked. I'm back down now to a fairly reasonable weight and I feel that I am in control of that. This is the first time in my life that I actually felt like I had some power to keep my weight in check. It's not easy like it was a year ago. But it's not nearly as hard as it was three years ago.
6/18/02
Wow, here it is, just two days away from my one year anniversary and I haven't updated my journal in months. That's how it is folks. You get to loving life and being skinny and you forget how imortant the surgery was just one year ago. I'm weighing about 135-140 these days. I may drop lower, may not. My clothes are size 8-10, who'd ever have thought I'd be saying these things. I'm a real skinny person. Guys hit on me everywhere. Even the really intimidating bar scene doesn't phase me now. I've got people telling me I'm a "total hotty". It's so bizarre that this is happening to me. I met a guy who I really like, in a really superficial way and he likes me in a really superficial way too. I don't necessarily recommend this. But, the long time boyfriend and I had to finally call it quits, and something light and superficial is just what I need to get through some down time.
I can definitely say that I love that I had this surgery and would do it again in a heartbeat. No regrets at all. People don't recognize me, and new people can't believe I was ever fat. I guess the thing I wish for myself is that I felt more of that bond with obese people that I used to have. When I'm out and meet people who are obese, I can tell they're thinking I just don't understand them (at best). Or that I'm just a stuck up skinny person (bar scene). And I want to just tell everybody I meet that I was fat for a long time and it's only through this miraculous surgery that I'm a skinny person now.
I also worry a lot about regaining the weight. My capacity has really increased and I find myself obsessing about everything I eat. Did I get enough protein? Did I do too much sugar today? Why am I so hungry? The worst part is that a part of my brain knows that if I did get too much of something, I won't really see the results for a while so when the scale goes up, I've already done the "bad things". Or, it could just be that time of the month. So I try to stick to the rules, and not obsess. I guess we'll see what the surgeon thinks. I'm seeing him next week. I know he'll scold me on some of my food choices. I have been VERY good about walking and getting exercise on a regular basis. I dance a lot. That's because I love to do karaoke and see live bands. Did I mention that the cute boy is a guitarist? I'm his groupie. Only he actually likes watching me dance and kisses me between sets. Amazing. It's my little high school dream come true. So there's my update. Pictures and a full website update will be coming, I swear. As always, feel free to email me.
2/18/02
I met a great guy last night who is MO and was scheduled for surgery. He changed his mind and has been doing a lot more exploring. He'd never been to this website though so I gave him the address, hopefully he'll visit. But what it got me thinking about was that I really was a "lightweight" when I had this surgery. My bmi was 41 which was plenty high for me, but his is much higher. And I felt like I had to be very careful to focus on the number that seems to be real consistent which is an 80% loss of excess weight. And you know what folks? I'm there.
Yes, ladies and gentleman, my scale dipped below 150 this weekend. So according to my scale, I have now last 80% of my excess at the time of surgery. I figure give or take a few pounds and this might be where I land. Now, according to my theory and the charts, I should be down another 20 - 25 pounds to be "ideal". And I think that will happen because I seem to still be losing and I'm not even 8 months out yet. However, I think there's also a good chance that I will "bounce back" a bit too and spend the rest of my life somewhere between 125 and 150.
So, the test has come. Kathryn the preachy who said you should be satisfied if you don't reach goal must ask, "am I satisfied?". And the truth is, I really do want to lose another 25 pounds. I also really want to see my skin tighten up a little. But would I go to Weight Watchers to lose that 25 pounds? NO! Would I take Metabolife? NO! If this is what "normal" women are busy trying to diet away, they are truly wasting their time and money. I may be a little "overweight" with a bmi of 27, but I don't care. I am healthy, strong, limber, active and happy. And I can truly say that if I never lose another pound, it was all worth it and I'd do it again without a second thought. And in the end, all I can speak to is my experience. I'm pretty happy with where I've come.
2/6/02
Trips to the mall
I hate going to the mall. Ever since I was twelve years old and an obnoxious little girl told me “your ugly and your mother dresses you funny”, I’ve hated the mall. Then there was the time I was about 17 and a size 16. A friend pointed out a store called “5, 7 & 9”. Those were the sizes they carried. She said, “They have really cute clothes.” I said, “What do I care, they don’t have anything that would fit ME.” But at that time there were other stores in the mall that did have clothes that fit me. As the years went by I found that there was only one section of Mervyn’s that carried real plus sizes. I found other places to buy clothes. I avoided mirrors; I avoided the mall. Besides, all that walking was so hard with more than 100 extra pounds to carry.
I was pretty hopeful about my first post-op mall trip. I remembered lots of posts about people dropping 8 or 10 sizes and I was down more than 40 pounds. I was very optimistic. Well, I went to Mervyn’s and tried a size 16 on. Oh, big mistake. All these memories came flooding back of putting on what I thought was my size and finding that, in fact, I was 4 sizes bigger. It bulged all over, and looked like a fat girl was in it. I was so upset, I didn’t want to go to the plus sizes. I wandered through Sears and J.C. Penny and it was clear, there was still nothing at the mall for me. I needed the outfit so I went to the fat girls store that was my old standby and I thought, “this is the last time”.
I had needed the outfit for an interview. It was a size 18. I wore it to every occasion I needed to look professional for over the next four months. I saw my weight continue to drop, my clothes got looser. I had no job, I couldn’t buy clothes just because I wanted to. And I really didn’t want another disappointment.
Well, I still don’t have a job, but the activity is picking up, interviews are happening. I don’t look good in the 18 any more, it’s just way too big. So I decided to bite the bullet and make another trip to the mall. As usual I started at Mervyn’s. One of the things I needed the most was a new bra. In the car I measured my bra line. 34 inches, I’ve been told to add 2, that made me a 36. I’ve always been a C cup so I tried some 36 Cs. It fit fine around the bottom, but my boobies were falling out of the cups. Did I become a D cup? Well, sure enough, the 36 D fit. I guess this means I’m still “full figured”. I felt so wonderful wearing a bra that fit right. Wow, my chest is actually bigger than my stomach.
Having achieved my bra find, I was ready to venture into the real test, the dresses. The path to the “misses” section took me through the “Women’s” section. Where do we get these labels? So, I lowered my eyes and told myself over and over, these aren’t for you anymore. Even if you like them, they won’t fit you. And I made my way to the little clothes. I felt like Sam in the Fellowship of the Ring. I’d never been that far from the shire before. What was this place where sizes didn’t start with 2s. What was I doing here? Who was I shopping for? It couldn’t possibly be me.
I was ultimately disappointed with the selection so I ended up walking the entire length of the mall to get to Foley’s. The last time I was able to shop at Foley’s, it was called May D&F. But, I thought they had good clothes, that was somewhere in my memory. I ended up gabbing with the woman at the sales counter. It was slow and she helped me picked a dress and jacket. I told her why I had no idea what size I was. She was very interested in the surgery, fascinated, as most people are. I selected a 14 and a 12 and went to the dressing room. The 14 was way too big. The 12 fit like a fitted dress. My waist isn’t exactly in the right place, but it still didn’t look like a square peg in a round hole. I twittered as I told the lady that the 12 fit. Then I tried some jackets that were size 10. They’re a teeny bit tight in the arms. But I bought them anyway. The last time I was a size 10, I was also age ten.
I left Foley’s with a heavy bag. I was happy, and I was at the end of the mall that had my old favorite pizza place. I stopped for a pizza. I occasionally eat pizza since the surgery, but really just the toppings and maybe a bite or two of crust. Now I had a heavy bag and a whole pizza and I had to walk the entire length of the mall again to get to my car. Plus, I was hungry. As I carried the pizza, the smell overwhelmed me. I had to have a bite. I found a place to set it down and took a bite. Then I looked around guiltily. Did someone notice the big fat pig who couldn’t wait to eat her pizza? Well, no, they may have noticed a normal girl who couldn’t wait to eat her pizza, but the realization made the eyes feel different. I don’t know if people thought that way before. I don’t know if they thought better of me because I wasn’t fat. And you know what? I don’t care.
I wiped my hands and kept going. I stopped twice more to eat a bite of pizza. After all, I’m supposed to eat slowly. And my dis-interest in the people watching me only increased. By the time I made it to Mervyn’s, I was holding my pizza and dresses proudly and thinking that all that walking and carrying was good exercise. I’d really hardly touched the pizza and enjoyed a real piece when I got home. Then I modeled my new clothes and I kept trying to figure out who it was in the mirror. When did I start enjoying who I saw in there? When did I stop looking at her to begin with? Why do I now want perfect hair and a perfect face? When did I become so vain? I think it was when I started looking in the mirror again.
Now I want new casual clothes and new going out for karaoke clothes and a new hair do and new, new, new. But, I’m still losing and I’m still unemployed so I shouldn’t be buying anything. Now my willpower is being challenged in a whole new way. Now instead of avoiding malls, it will take all the strength of a diet to keep me from going back.
02/18/03 MALL UPDATE
If you read later posts, you will see that I mention a "cute guitarist", his name is Greg and he is very cute and very special to me. What is funny is that this mall I keep talking about is also Greg's favorite mall. So twice now he has taken me there to shop. And there I am, walking around this mall that was so ominous and on my arm is the best looking guy I've ever dreamed I could be with. So, the ending just keeps getting better.
1/6/02
I just updated my measurements. I found a dilemma. See if I suck in, even a little, it can make an inch or more difference now. If I did suck in inches, it would be a lot lower all the way around. Well, except my butt, arms and legs. I lost the most in my butt between this time and last time. Hmmm, no idea what's up with that. I'm also at a point where it's lots of loose skin. On my arm, it's probably a good inch of extra skin at this point. I guess we'll see how I firm up. I don't think any of it will require skin removal surgery, but it definitely gets loose folks. :) In clothes I'm wearing about a 14 or a medium. But I actually bought a sweater that had an S as the size and it fits great. I can wear size 12 or 14 jeans, made by different companies. Neither one is comfortable, but I didn't need pliers if you know what I mean. I don't wear them much now, I can wait till they are comfortable. I'm on a break from Yoga for another couple of weeks. I feel great, need a job, need a lot of work on the emotional side. I must say though, the surgery has done everything it was supposed to for me.
11/5
It’s been a very long time I know. First of all, I haven’t found a job and that’s partly why I haven’t posted. I won’t go into how hard it is for me to be not working, but I know I will get a job when the time is right. Now, the other stats. I’m 4.5 months post op, open RNY. I’ve lost about 60 pounds, which drops me from 235 to 175 (5’3”). That’s on my home scale which is generous. People are starting to say things like they didn’t recognize me. That is nice to hear. I’m not sure what size I am. Probably a 16 since the 18s are big. Not having a job, I don’t want to really tempt myself with clothes. Not just yet.
I must share some other thoughts though. I have come to a point where I very much feel a different treatment from people. People flirt with me more, smile at me more. So many subtle things I can’t even describe. And yes, I feel so much prettier. I feel downright sexy sometimes and then I think that I’m only half way there and I’m going to be just amazing. And I love that, I mean who wouldn’t? And yet, I’m so uneasy about it. I get uncomfortable when people mention it. I’m highly sensitive if people notice, but even more if they don’t. I know why this is happening. It clarified itself several ways on Sunday. After Quaker meeting, some of my long time friends were talking to me about it. One told me several times that I was prettier and seemed happier. And she’s right, I am prettier, I do feel happier. The other friend said something about beauty being from the inside. Well, I have to tell you, I think that’s just not true. I am absolutely the same person on the inside. But I am far more beautiful on the outside. Now, I also know that this is because inside I feel better and that really shows. But that’s sort of a chicken/egg argument. I don’t think I could ever have achieved this kind of self image without this major weight loss. And this bothers me too. I really hate that I am part of what I believe is a very awful set of stereotypes and prejudices and the worst thing is I’ve applied them to myself. And yet, it is the truth and there’s no denying it.
Ok, so that’s been floating around my head for months and those of you who’ve known me know that I really struggle with the desire to be thin, and yet a real defense of people who aren’t, for whatever reason. So that’s been troubling me and not having a job is troubling me, and I’ve been sort of fretting. And there I was at Quaker meeting (before the conversations mentioned above), and I was really deep in meditation/prayer. I was trying to envision myself in this new job that I want really bad. It’s a high level job, and almost out of my league, but I really want it and think I could do it. At any rate, I started to picture myself in this new job. And I pictured myself in smaller and smaller dresses. And I sort of began to think into the future. And I realize that my future is one of being a thin person. Not just someone who’s losing weight or lost weight. That’s what I am now. But someday, that will all just be part of my past and I’ll just be the thin person that I am. What a concept. I mean, what an amazing thing for me to entertain. And all of a sudden, I got this really strong message (which is very rare for me). The message was that this is the beginning of a new me and it’s time for me to look at that. I don’t know how to be the thin Kathryn. I’ve been so busy protecting the fat Kathryn and the post-op Kathryn and I don’t even know the thin Kathryn. But she’s just around the corner. And while I may or may not get this job, this thinner image is going to manifest. And then I’ll be somebody else. Eventually, I will not notice every flirtation. Someday I won’t take fat jokes as personally, I already tune out diet commercials because they don’t apply. There’s a whole world out there where it really isn’t an issue. Whoa, that’s heavy for me (no pun intended).
So, I’m trying to let go of some of my bitterness and defensiveness. I still love the person I am on the inside. I love her and will defend and protect her forever. And she has definitely been fat. But now, I am just starting to celebrate the person I am on the outside. And I think I’m going to enjoy it. I think I’ve been given permission.
10/1
I really had to update, so much has changed. First of all, all my medical problems are GONE. I feel healthy, my labs are good, life is good. Well, life could be better because I'm currently searching for a job, but that's a different story. I am now definitely a size 18, in fact 18s are getting loose already. The weight loss seemed really slow for a while. In August i crawled down from 195 to 190, then sat at 190 until my 3 month appointment. Then one day I was 185 and within a week I was 180. I keep getting on the scale to make sure it's true. I can see that I'll probably sit at 180 for a while, but I don't care, because 180 makes me officially HALF WAY to my goal weight. In 14 weeks. Woo hoo. I took 3 month Yoga follow up pictures. They are amazing. I really think this has helped me. I love how much better I can do Yoga now and being able to see so much improvement makes me do it more and more. I'm finally getting rid of all my 2X clothes. There's a WHOLE bunch of them. Some are really nice too, hopefully I'll find good homes for them.
8/24
Time for an update. I think I was about 3.5 weeks post op when I got really dehydrated. At the time, my potassium was 2.6. This is bad, anything under 3.5 is bad. However, the things they had to fix it were time release pills/capsules or a drink. I tried the drink, I really did but it was so awful and I threw it all up. So, they sent me home. Then my potassium hovered at about 3.1 for the next 5 weeks. At week 8, I developed a kidney stone. This sent me to the hospital where I got good pain medication and lots of fluid and that took care of the kidney stone. In the meantime, the admitting doctor saw that my potassium was low and continuing to be low and insisted that I couldn't leave the hospital until it was up to normal. This took 6 days and had to be through the IV. I don't have space to go into all that happened at the hospital, but I have to say this. I told the dr. I needed protein, so he put an order in for a "high protein" diet. This gave the kitchen the message that they needed to add things to my menu everyday. So did they add good sources of protein? No, they added apple pie, and pudding, and just all kinds of strange things. I didn't eat any of it, but it bothered me to see so much go to waste. I tried to get them to stop but as long as that order was there, they kept piling it on. Oh well, there's the update. I'm now down 43 pounds.
8/3
Ok, Bad Kathryn. I haven't updated in a long time. I do encourage people to visit my surgery page because it has all the info. about my surgery which was relatively normal. I'm now six weeks post op. What to say. I had a lot of struggles the last few weeks. Lots of vomitting and nausea. I've also completely failed to get in my protein and sometimes not even my water. Nor have I exercised deliberately until yesterday. So much for all my pre-op resolve to get my protein, water and exercise. However, this is only the beginning, plenty of time to correct these things. I will say that every day gets better and I'm enjoying eating small amounts of real food again. I mostly eat turkey from the deli and cheese and cottage cheese. Oh, and pickles. But I think the pickles are dangerous and sometimes cause nausea. The good news is I'm down more than 35 pounds and officially under the 200 mark. I try not to focus on the weight loss because everything else has been so rough. I don't want people to ignore the hard part and only look at the weight loss, it just doesn't seem right. I will keep posting, but don't want to take up too much space. I may delete some of my pre-op stuff because I'm now definitely in the next stage.
6/19 - One day pre-op
All right, there is no way to describe how I feel right now. I'm still panicked that something will go wrong and I won't be able to have it. I'm so ready, and yet so scared. I want to post all the things I've done to prepare in the last week: I had an extra therapy session, a wonderful meal at the Fort in Morrison, CO, several "last" meals at other favorite places. I'm supposed to eat light today and nothing "fibrous". I had accupuncture yesterday, he said he "hit stomach 36 bilaterally" which will make my stomach strong. I joked that I hoped the surgeon would still be able to cut it. :) I also had a chiropractic adjustment twice in the last week. AND I did Feldenkrais yesterday. Bethany worked on my front and back to relax my breathing muscles and my stomach muscles. I'd been having a lot of pain under my left breast and it was all gone after she finished. I also did Yoga last week and we focused on opening the chest and breathing (which is always part of Yoga). At the end of the class the whole group chanted for me. For my surgeon, I've been on stool softeners (oh yea, they soften) for the last week, and I have my betadine soap ready for two showers in the next 24 hours. Um, I've got a medical power of attorney and all my medical records that might be remotely relevant. I'm pre-registered with the hospital. 90% packed. I have a ton of before pictures and measurements. Gee, do you think I'm ready?
6/4
I haven't updated my profile in a while but I've been very active on the message board. Thinking and writing about the upcoming changes. The news is I have received approval and my surgery is SHEDULED for 6/20. That is just around the corner, two weeks away. I am a little nervous but at great peace. I can't wait to see what my new life will be like.
5/10
I was updating more often but the news has been changing slowly so I'll just update when there's something to say. I had all my tests on 5/1 and I have nothing that looks cancerous at all. YEAH! I am ready to send my paperwork to the insurance company, but have to wait till Monday till someone can review them and get them to the other person who will then send them to the ins. co. I have made many friends from this website and they are all very precious to me. I have also been an angel and it is by far the best preparation I could have for the real realities that are ahead for me. Hopefully my next update will include insurance info.
4/10
Wow, it's been a while. Well, the ovary is better, but now I found out I have "displasia" which may or may not be spelled that way. On 5/1 I'll go in to have it looked at more closely and hopefully it's nothing pre-cancerous.
The other news, well, I went to California. I can completely understand people in Cali feeling even more pressure about their weight, wow was it superficial. The hardest part was with my grandparents. I haven't told them yet, or anyone in that part of my family. At dinner my Grandpa commented to me that there were a lot of calories in the desert we were about to have. I told him I wasn't worried about it and he said "you never change". I bit my tongue, let me tell you. My boyfriend heard it and said in my ear, "don't open up a can of worms". So, I didn't say anything but it was hard. This part of my family are all chronic dieters who think they're fat as soon as they hit the double digit sizes. I know I'm their worst nightmare. I hate to think I'm doing this just to show them, but in some ways I am. Of course, I'm also really thinking about my other health issues.
I still had a lot of fun in California and I was grateful that Disneyland and Universal Studios were just uncomfortable and not impossible. My picture is up now, that's kind of scary for me, but I'm glad people can see what I look like, even if it's a horrible picture.
3/29
I'm still having problems with my ovary, but I'll see the doctor for that again tomorrow and hopefully get some better information. I saw my Feldenkrais lady last night, anyone curious about this, let me know, she's awesome. I asked her to write me a letter and she did and it is at the top:
3/23
Well, I have not had a good week, but it's not really part of this journey. I did get to be a real angel this week. I saw Sue Marks the day of her surgery and with any luck i'll see her again today. She's so sweet. I think this surgery is going to be wonderful for her. I can't wait to meet her outside of a hospital. She was drugged but she told me I'm beautiful. Wasn't that sweet?
3/10
Wow, all kinds of good things have happened. I've met some lovely people on this website and they are all angels to me. On Saturday I was honored by Sue Marks and she is letting me be her angel. She'll be crossing over in just ten days so I'm very excited for her. I also got to meet several post-op people in person at the support group last night. It was a big group and I just wish I'd had more time to get to know everyone. Sue Nelson invited me and she is really amazing. I also had my psych. eval. Hmm I'll have to post more in depth thoughts on that later. Of course, the best news is that I'm getting new insurance on 4/1. The new company is Anthem BC/BS of Colorado. I'm going to have all my ducks in a row for them. Last week I did an average of 3000 steps a day and I did Yoga. No 5000 step days though. I lost my pedometer for the last four days so now my averages will be off. That's all right though, I'm still doing something every day. Work is good too right now. :)
3/5
I'm really up and down today. I had stopped taking Zoloft but I think I didn't take enough time to wean off it. I was doing Serzone but that was really not for me. I took 25 mg. of Zoloft today which is about the smallest dose, half a pill and I felt so much better. However, everyone is pushing my buttons today. I'm just kind of down. I got sick of waiting to hear if I have insurance approval, just for the psych. eval. and so I'm making a bunch of phone calls. Since it's Monday, I'm going to start journaling here. I met all my exercise goals last week, I walked every day, the pedometer helps me make sure and I did no less than 3000/day. Thursday-Yoga and Sunday, long walk with my dad, my first day over 5000 steps. Tomorrow is another day.
2/5/00
I'm just getting the hang of posting and keeping updated. I met with Dr. Snyder last week, he was really wonderful. Today I went for my gall bladder ultrasound. The receptionist said "this wasn't very nice, he circled morbid obesity on here, aren't you just having gall bladder problems." I smiled and said "nope" and told her all about the surgery. She told me she was just starting a new diet, and (the usual), that I don't seem fat enough for the surgery. After I told her about Dr. Snyder and the free lectures right there at her hospital she seemed very interested. Ever since I decided I want this I've been so much nicer to myself. Plus, I've lost 2.5 lbs just by not dieting for the last month. I'm having lots of trouble with insurance but what else is new. No date yet, but the ball is rolling.
1/00
I've been battling my friends and family for years. They all want me to lose weight, but none of them understand what I'm just learning, that none of the things that they think about weight loss apply to someone who is morbidly obese. Even without surgery, knowing this makes me feel better than I have in months.
Diet history:
Age: 12
Duration: 3 months
Weight lost (range): 10 pounds (140 to 130)
Regained (timeframe): 20 lbs. (six months)
Diet Details: 1000-1500 calories/day, vigorous activity daily
Lessons learned: 1500 calories a day is not very much food. Vigorous activity directed solely toward weight loss is unrewarding. Eggs are a great source of protein and can be cooked without fat.
Age: 16
Duration: 1 month
Weight lost (range): 15 pounds (150 to 135)
Regained (timeframe): 20 lbs (four months)
Diet Details: Whole foods, planned meals, vigorous activity daily
Lessons learned: Whole foods are nice to the body and going off them quickly is not nice. Eating only whole foods is very time consuming and requires lots of cooperation.
Age: 18
Duration: 4 months
Weight lost (range): 10 pounds (160 to 150)
Regained (timeframe): 20 within two months
Diet Details: No sugar, low fat, scheduled walks and health clubs
Lessons learned: Most health clubs are not friendly to fat people. Friends can be helpful in establishing an exercise routine, but they have lives too. Just cutting out sugar and obvious sources of fat doesn’t help my weight much.
Age: 20
Duration: 6 months
Weight lost (range): 10 pounds (160 to 150)
Regained (timeframe): 10 within six months
Diet Details: Whole foods
Lessons learned: Whole foods are easier to find than they used to be but switching to whole foods alone does not make me lose much weight.
Age: 21
Duration: 3 months
Weight lost (range): 15 pounds (170 to 155)
Regained (timeframe): 15 within three months, steady rise after that
Diet Details: Slimfast, shake for breakfast and lunch, real food for dinner
Lessons learned: Not eating breakfast and lunch is hard and shakes get old fast. Any cheating is enough to throw off the weight loss and sticking to no food before dinner is almost impossible.
Age: 27
Duration: 18 months
Weight lost (range): 30 pounds (240 to 210)
Regained (timeframe): 20 within three months
Diet Details: Metabolife, Low Carb, High Protein diet
Lessons learned: High protein is code for high fat, this diet made me feel unhealthy. Low carbs is fine but no carbs is very hard on my body. Metabolife contains ephedra, which over the long term seems to produce very unwelcome side effects in me, namely irritability and a worsening of depression. I was advised by several providers to discontinue any form of ephedra, regardless of my weight loss. Herbal supplements without Ephedra were not effective for me.
Letter from Bethany:
To Whom it may Concern,
I have worked with Kathryn C. using the Feldenkrais Method since April 2000. In my work I help people find movement patterns which will be more comfortable, healthy and effective for them in their daily lives. Both movement and posture involve how we use our skeleton, and how bones are aligned. Excessive weight can both make it more difficult to maintain healthy movement patterns and alignment, and can cause greater damage (wearing of joints) where there is poor body use.
For Kathryn specifically, I believe that difficulties in her feet and ankles, knees and low back are aggravated by her weight. Having excess weight leads to a tendency for her to pronate her feet, and have an exaggerated lordosis in her low back, in turn creating stress on her knees. These tendencies combined with more of her weight being in front, have a direct affect on her upper back, neck and shoulders, as they are riding above and compensating. Significant weight loss would allow Kathryn to have a better chance to maintain healthy ways of moving and holding herself. It would help her to participate in and enjoy exercise more fully. This would make a great long term difference in ther health and quality of life.
I have found Kathryn to be dedicated to her health. She is willing to devote time and energy to it, and make it a priority, she does research, and gives a lot of thought to her choices.
Sincerely,
Bethany Cobb, guild certified Feldenkrais Practitioner
Letter from Dad:
Dear Decision Maker:
My name is Les Canges and I am Kathryn Canges’ father. I am writing this letter to support Kathryn in her efforts to obtain Weight Loss Surgery (WLS). I believe that throughout her life Kathryn has tried to be as active and healthy as anyone but it hasn’t been easy for her. I know she has eaten knowledgeably since childhood and that she wasn’t as prone to the junk food excesses of adolescence and early adulthood I’ve seen in many of her peers. I also know that since I retired six years ago Kathryn has renewed her efforts to eat well and to exercise within the limitations of her body, which is 100 pounds overweight. I have watched sadly as my vigorous and intelligent daughter struggled with her desires to be active and the growing toll of a body in a very visible disease that she was unable to control, even with the best of intentions and practice.
When he was alive, my father and I were the same family body type, somewhat endomorphic. As an older child and adolescent, Kathryn was the same. However, after her significant increased weight gain in early adulthood, I read several scientific and newspaper articles regarding popular weight loss methods. What struck me most was the futility of the diverse programs that people used to lose weight, and then gain it back. This U function was stable and depressing. This mirrored what I’d seen in many colleagues, mostly women, who would try one diet after another, lose a dress size, and then gain it back and often then some. Some were obsessed with food whether or not they were dieting. It is for this reason that I never recommended any of these programs to Kathryn, even though many of these same people who had so much trouble of their own tried to enlist me in supporting their current diets du jour for Kathryn.
I can verify that nutrition conciousness was always a part of Kathryn’s upbringing. Neither my wife nor I ever dieted to lose weight. But we did understand the nutritional value of foods and tried to bring that knowledge to the table. In general we ate balanced meals with a tilt toward being vegetarian. We avoided “junk foods”, refined sugar and refined flour. I’ve always been a gardener and we took pride in eating vegetables from it. Interestingly my son, who we adopted from Viet Nam ate similarly to Kathryn and myself and grew up to be a very healthy, athletic and active mesomorph.
I am also aware of the effects of this disease on Kathryn’s mental health. I know that she has seen many worthy therapists and has been on antidepressant medication. I am convinced that her It is to her credit that she is productive and responsible.
Morbid or clinical obesity is a needless physical and psychological burden. Given her particular history and motivation, WLS has the most statistical probability of success to cure this disease.
And, my letter, this has been shortened from the original one I posted but is more organized and to the point now. This is sort of my life long diet and exercise history.
Childhood
The first time I noticed I was fat I was eight years old. I had just been given my first perm and I was checking out my new self in the mirror. At eight years old, reaching for a comparison, the only thing I could think is “pretty cute for a chubby girl”. By this time I had already received a thorough indoctrination to healthy eating. My mother started me off “right”. I wasn’t allowed to have refined sugars, only honey and pure maple syrup. No artificial colors or flavors and lots of whole grains. Soda was out of the question. Nobody would eat at my house because we ate all this weird health food. I remember eating seaweed and tofu before I ever remember stepping on a scale.
By the time I was eight or nine, my mother was fighting breast cancer. She had restricted her own diet to a macrobiotic one that didn’t even allow for fruit. She was determined to beat the cancer through dieting. About this time she realized that a macrobiotic diet isn’t always practical for young children. She lightened up on what we were allowed to eat as she limited her own diet. Eventually she found she was unable to stick to the strict diet and did put herself in the hands of the doctors that she’d been avoiding. My mother did not have a weight problem during my lifetime and was never obese. Even though she went through the same things with diets and failing on them, her goal was not weight loss, only better health. In 1982 she died at the age of 37, I was ten.
Teenage Years
My first real diet was when I was twelve. I have always loved Ice Skating and had decided to start taking lessons again. My coach, who was very overweight, wanted me on a diet. She said that it would be easy because I was young. She got me a book to count calories and I told to only do 1000 calories a day. At twelve I was extremely active. I walked to school, about two miles up a very big hill. During the summer I rode my bike to a drama camp that was also a good two miles up a hill and down the other side (so, actually up-hill both ways). I was also ice skating and doing lots of exercising with my girlfriends. I was naive and believed that if I stuck to this level of activity and the 1000-1500 calories a day, I’d lose lots of weight, and maybe get into those old pants that no longer fit. I was wrong. I lost about ten pounds, but no inches and I was miserable and feeling starved. I did learn to count calories and I got my first real taste of the diet mentality.
As a young teenager I looked into Weight Watchers but didn’t think I could justify spending money on it since I didn’t have a job or anything. I did start buying diet products, drinking diet soda, eating Weight Watchers frozen food, anything that seemed like it would help. I remember being told by several women over the next 10 years that I should join them on their diets. I began to realize that this was a pattern and one I’m ashamed to say I fell into later. People always want company in their diet misery and they think they are helping you. None of these women ever lost noticeable amounts of weight.
In my teen years I tried many things. The most radical was a 5 day fast that I actually managed to do. However, I did not lose weight. During this time I was also attending support groups. I was doing my own spiritual and psychological exploring and felt I was on the path to enlightenment. In the groups I was taught, “You can do whatever you set your mind to” and “If you learn to accept it, it will change”. Every time I did a meditation or personal review I came to the same conclusion, the thing I wanted to change was my weight, and I was going to do it. Sometimes that would lead me to diet (I can do anything I set my mind to), other times I deliberately did not diet (If I learn to accept it, it will change). Neither approach worked at all.
In high school I was involved with backpacking, rock climbing, swimming and Yoga. On one trip we spent a week at the Esalen institute where our food was very regulated and “healthy”, my exercise level was high, we walked everywhere and swam and worked for the institute. It was almost like being on a fat farm although the purpose was physical enlightenment, not weight loss. I lost about fifteen pounds, but it came back really fast.
In my later teens I worked with friends to do regular exercise from daily walks to health clubs, Holiday (now Bally’s) and Mademoiselle. I was humiliated to walk in the door of Holiday and wasted about $4,000 on a non-refundable membership. I stuck with Mademoiselle a little longer, attending “Slimnastics” class and lifting weights. After about three months of this my friend had stopped going with me and I was having some severe physical problems that required a minor surgery. By the time I recovered I was not interested in Mademoiselle. It had not helped me lose much weight and it came back so fast it seemed like a lot of work for very little return.
Adulthood
As a young adult (early 20’s) I decided that the exercise approach had been humiliating and un-rewarding. I wanted to look more at my eating habits. I had a consultation with Jenny Craig, but couldn’t justify the cost and I was leery of all the pre-packaged food. I discovered that we have a lot more health food stores these days and I began eating whole grains, and fresh fruits and vegetables again. I swore off soda altogether and started reading labels. I didn’t count calories, but I did note ingredients. Anything that had sugar as the second or third ingredient was out. I worked to make my vitamin intake part of my daily eating, avoiding “empty calories” and trying to make sure I was eating a “balanced” diet. I lost about 15 pounds, and rapidly regained it all.
Several things happened when I was 21. In August I got pregnant, in September I lost the baby. By December I was in the throws of a horrible depression. I had always had problems with depression, in part due to my weight; however, the pregnancy and events around it were too much for me. I sought help. In February I was encouraged to try antidepressants. I agreed and began taking Zoloft, this made me feel so empowered that I gave in to the commercials and decided to go on Slim Fast. I was eager and confident that with this new medication I’d be able to control my hunger. I also determined to make the hunger my friend and learn to be with it because no matter what, this time I was going to lose weight! After three months of torture and several hundred dollars, I had only lost about fifteen pounds and it was already starting to come back.
Between 1993 and 1996 my weight increased 70 pounds. Compared to 1990-1993 when I only gained a net ten pounds, this was a huge increase. I have struggled to figure out what caused this increase. I was paying attention to my eating having teamed up with a new friend who had studied nutrition. He did not have a weight problem, but was very interested in healthy eating and our schedules allowed us to eat dinner together every night. By this time I was firmly planted in the notion that I was not “dieting”, I was “eating healthy”. I believed that if I thought of it in health terms, I would be more likely to lose weight. After all, if you eat right and exercise, you won’t be fat, right? Well, wrong for me. My weight went up, and up, and up. I remember when I crossed the line into obesity. Fortunately I had lots of people around me who assured me that it wasn’t a big deal, that fat people are ok, that I was healthy and that’s what mattered, etc. However, my health was deteriorating and so was my psyche.
After I crossed the 200-pound mark, my health got noticeably worse. By then I had read the statistics and new that diets fail 95% of the time. I wanted desperately to lose weight, but I didn’t know how. I kept looking for a solution that had some statistical merit; I didn’t find one. I began to have pain in my stomach that a year of invasive and unpleasant medical testing could not explain. I started to see a chiropractor for low back pain and I still see him every week. During my trials with looking for reasons for my physical problems, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Though this is not a weight related illness, the advice I was given was the same: eat right and exercise.
By this time I was very defensive about my eating and exercise habits. I was stretching every day, doing the Yoga I’d been taught as a child and young adult and walking regularly. My father was recently retired and worked with me to eat healthy food and keep me active. Even with all this, I downplayed my physical and nutritional efforts. We are all conditioned to believe that people who are obese are not eating right and exercising. I didn’t acknowledge my own efforts because I figured if I was really doing all that, I’d be losing weight, and of course, I wasn’t.
The past five years
In 1996 I began to work with a massage therapist for the Fibromyalgia. She was a registered nurse and had first hand knowledge of the things that can go wrong in a human body. She taught me a great deal about biology, anatomy, nutrition and healthy eating. She also taught me to listen to my body and be kind to my body. During those years (1996-97), I also met a woman with Naturopathic training. She took me shopping and helped me identify healthy foods and how to prepare them. She also started me on a bunch of vitamins. All of these things helped me to feel better physically and I did lose some weight (about 15 pounds). However, it came back even though I continued the reformed diet and physical focus. The good thing is that I didn’t gain much more after that. Since I hit 230 in 1996, my weight has fluctuated 15-30 pounds, and been as high as 240.
Also in 1996, I was seeing a Psychiatrist. She was concerned that my weight issues were overshadowing the antidepressants. During counseling it was obvious that this was the issue that I couldn’t get past. No matter how well my life goes, no matter how much money I make, no matter how good my love life is, I’m fat, and I hate it. She recommended that I consult my PCP about Redux, which was new on the market at the time. My PCP was very matter of fact with me. She drew a graph that went down and then back up. She told me that this is what happens when people try to lose weight, with or without medications. She said that I would have to make lifestyle changes either way and explained to me what “empty calories” are. She never asked me what my lifestyle was, how often I exercised or what I ate. She discouraged use of the medication and sent me on my way. This deterred me from seeking “medical” supervision as an effective weight loss strategy.
In 1999 I was inspired again. A friend of mine had lost a lot of weight by taking Metabolife and doing a high protein, no carb diet. She looked great and I was ready to try anything. For 18 months I took Metabolife. I did two weeks of absolutely no carbs at the beginning and then followed an Atkins type diet, of primarily protein. As time went on I found that the lack of vegetables and concentration of allowable fat was not feeling very healthy or wise to me so I stopped the Atkins part of the diet after about three months. I continued to take the Metabolife and focused on eating less often and smaller portions. I enjoyed the increased energy I felt from the Metabolife (which is essentially a bunch of natural speed), and I did lose about 30 pounds. However I began to have negative effects from the Ephedra in October and discontinued it on the advice of my therapist. I tried several non-Ephedra “natural” diet supplements but they did not control my appetite and the weight came back with a vengeance.
The present
By December of 2000, I was a mess. I was so depressed about my weight that I became hypersensitive to any comment anybody made about anybody’s weight. I did permanent damage to some very old friendships because I was so frustrated. My research continued to show that diet and exercis
