Kathy O.

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I realized its been a while since I posted a blog on here so thought its time for an update.   It’s been 4 weeks since surgery and for the most part I’m doing ok.  I’m down almost 42 lbs.   The first 2 weeks were the most difficult emotionally but physically I recovered really quickly.   Now as I progress on in foods I’m discovering the importance of eating slower and portion sizes.   Its hard lesson to learn but each time I get sick I learn a little more.   I miss certain things like Diet Coke and Chocolate but I’m able to find some healthier alternatives.  I still just want to pig out and have pizza and all my favorite comfort foods but I’m not able to do that and the feelings pass and I get excited about the things I CAN do now that I couldn’t before WLS.   I LOVE is fitting into clothes that just a month ago I couldn’t wear.  I like going to the store and not breaking out in a massive gross sweat. I use to never wear make-up I think because I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror long enough to put some on but now I wear it every day.  So many little things have changed that to list them here would take me all day.   I’m really looking forward to summer and not sweating as much or being able to be outside and doing active things.

 

Yesterday I just finished my last appointment with the nutrionist that my insurance is requiring before they approve (or deny) my request for surgery. So this is starting to become reality. I’m anxious, excited, and scared all at the same time but I KNOW 100% this is the right decision. Of course of have that feeling of what if I fail at this, which makes you scared to try. I’m fighting that feeling. For the life of me I can not picture myself losing weight. Its something I’ve never done I’ve only gained weight. I’ve maybe lost 5 to 10lbs here and there but nothing more than that and if I lost those pounds they’d come back plus some more. Which is why I’m at this point. Last month at my appointment I had gained 5lbs so I was at my heaviest of 320. I couldn’t believe it. When I look in the mirror I don’t see the 320 person staring back at me. I think that is why the denial of my weight went on for so long. It’s kind of like when an anorexic looks in the mirror they don’t see how skinny they are. Our brains fool us into seeing something else. While on this 6 month journey for insurance approval I’ve been looking at how clutter is a primary problem in my life. I have body clutter (unhealthy habits with food/weight), I have financial clutter, I have physical clutter all around my home. For years I’ve ignored all this clutter. I complain about it in my life all the time but do I take the action to do anything with it? This surgery will be my first tool in fighting this clutter. I feel if I can learn to declutter my body and take care of myself it will motivate me in my other areas. If I can love myself I can do anything. Yet how do I love myself. I hate myself because of the clutter yet the clutter is in my life because I hate myself. Its this vicious circle that I haven’t ever been able to get out of. Lets hope this is the first step.

I haven’t written in my blog here for a while and thought I’d update anyone who cares on my journey.  I’m still in the process of that 6 month supervised weight management my insurance requires.  To me I feel like I’m wasting my doctors time every time I go in and he’s suppose to talk to me about weight management.  He is monitoring my blood pressure and did put me on some medication.  It was so high at my physical therapy appointment she almost didn’t recommend exercise until I got it down.  Speaking of that appointment but I really didn’t feel comfortable around the physical therapist.  It could have been just me but I felt so inadequate and that she was annoyed by me.  She kept telling me I had to be sure I was taking my blood pressure medication.  I had been taking it every day for the past 3 weeks (since it was prescribed) without missing 1 day.  It was like she didn’t believe me.  Then I told her I take Adderall for ADD.  She had no idea what that medication was but really it’s a stimulant.  Its like taking speed so my blood pressure was elevated because of that but I need that medication to concentrate through out my day.  I know she was trying to do her job and I was trying not to make excuses for anything and being open to what she was telling me.  I haven’t done any thing she suggested to me.  I am going to make a commitment to start because the exercise that she showed me are so easy and only take a few minutes and then I just have to do something like walk for 20 min.  That is it but yet I can’t get myself to just do it.  What is it going to be like after surgery?  I really want to do what I’m suppose to do but I guess if it was that easy I wouldn’t be in this spot. 

 

 

I’m getting more and more nervous as each month passes.  I know I’m making the right decision but I’m just nervous about how I’m going to handle all the changes that will be happening.  Am I strong enough to do this?  I not going to talk myself out of it because I hear so many people talk about how hard it is but I also hear they don’t regret any of it.  If I don’t do this who knows where I will be in a year?  I could end up having a heart attack before I’m 30.   

Personally things are going ok for me.  I'm still really depressed about the friend I took out of my life but it had to be done.  I can't be around someone who lies to me.  We had been friends for 10 years but I'm healing slowly. 

I don't want to get too much into my personal life on this blog that doesn't have to do WLS BUT I recently ended a friendship with a person who has been lying to me.  Part of me can't wait to have this surgery and just shove it in that person's face when I'm thinner.  BUT it also made me wonder who am I going to deal with the new attention I get?  I'm nervous how my realtionship will handle this part of the process. 

I got a call from the Baratric Surgery to set up my first 3 appointments.  The first 2 will be on April 13th (Friday the 13th) and my 3rd will be April 25th.  Nervous but excited as well!

I saw my PCP yesterday and talked about some of my health concerns about my blood pressure and he of course agreed and recommended the surgery so I had him sign the paper work I needed to turn in.  

I got to work and made a copy of my insurance card and gather my other documentation sealed it in the envelope and MAILED it.  This is the furthest I've ever gone with this and I feel so good about it. 

I had a talk with my supervisor who is very sweet and supportive and made sure there would be no issues with some of the time this was going to take me from work and she was very supportive.  

My mom finally agreed to support me in this decision as well and said she would stay with me for a while as I recover.  

I have a long road ahead but the journey is just started and I feel positive and content about my decision for WLS. 

I am 28 years old well actually I will be on Monday (03/26) and I’m at that time in my life I am needing to make a lot of life decisions in order for my to move on to my 30’s in the place I want to be. Other then my weight I’ve been struggling in my life with my relationships and who I am and who I want to be. There seems to be a lot going on for me right now. Possibly this decision to make this journey right now could be to distract me from making other decisions. But I feel if I don’t do this now I may never do it and I really want to take care of my health. I’m sick of the way people treat me because of my weight. I’m sick of the way I feel both mentally and physically. I’m sick of the looks my family gives me when I do visit them. I’m sick of avoiding people who I haven’t seen in years because of my weight gain. I’m sick of it all. I’m sick of the denial I’ve been in. I think the weight gets in the way of me being who I really want to be.

I’m 5’7 and ashamed to say 311 lbs. I’m really starting to be affected by the health problems being this weight have given me. I have very sore knees and back. I have sleep apnea. I need to be treated with blood pressure and cholesterol medication. I lose my breath just walking from the parking lot to my desk at work. I hate going places with people because I sweat like crazy and it’s embarrassing. But the thought of giving up some of my favorite foods and the comfort I get from these is very overwhelming. At least in the past it has been. Right now I feel I can do this. I feel strong enough to get through the emotional part that this surgery will bring and enjoy the positive rewards of losing weight will bring to my life.

Right now I am going through a emotional time with my husband. We have been married for the past 7 years. This summer I’m not sure what happened but I guess I realized I wasn’t happy.  I guess as sad as it might be that when I met my husband when I was 18 years old I thought I had to do what ever it took to keep him because I didn’t think anyone would ever be attracted to me. I don’t know that I ever loved him. I guess I do and did but in a different way. He is my best friend. He is this sweet guy and is good to me. I just feel something is missing. I’m not sure if its something within me or just with us. We are now separated at my choice. He wants me back very badly. Part of me wants to come back and have the security and comfort he gives me. But I know if I do I don’t think it would be for the right reasons and I don’t think it would last. Having this surgery scares me to a point how is it going to affect our relationship? Will I learn to love myself more and then possible allow myself to be loved again by my husband? OR will I gain this confidence in myself and really learn that I don’t love my husband and find comfort in the attention I receive from other men? It’s a scary situation that I really need to be aware that I will face.

I started looking into the WLS about 4 years ago. It scared me to think I would let someone inside my body cut my stomach off from my body and creates a “man” made stomach. Should I really be messing with what God gave me??? What happens say 50 years from now to those staples in my stomach will it hold me together for the rest of my life? At the time I just though my stomach would be sitting in my body “dead” then it was explained that the stomach is still much alive and is hooked up in my intestines still but in a different way. It will never see food but it will still do some of the functions it use to.