karasmom

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I have put in the weekend from HELL!!!!!!!  Although still Diet Pepsi free (3 weeks today...Horray for me!!) my eating has been atrocious.  I have decided that the pity party is OVER!!  Yeah, I screwed up!  I have done it before and there is no doubt in my mind that I will do it again.  Tomorrow is a new day.  It is also the day that I pick myself (okay, I really mean drag myself) up and start over.  My goal for tomorrow is simple.  I am going to have a healthy breakfast.  Might as well start the day off right.  So regardless of whatever else happens during the day, if I have a healthy breakfast and remain diet pepsi free, the day will be a succes.  Wish me luck!!

Well, things haven't gotten any better since my last post.  I still feel horribly depressed.  Although I am still Diet Pepsi free, I have been getting into the Easter candy.  This is not making me feel any better.  Last week, I woke up every morning with a spring in my step and this week I can barely drag my fat ass out of bed.  Just want to lay around and cry all day.  I hope I feel better soon.  I don't like living this way.

Well, so far this week has been an absolute write off.  I am so down in the dumps!  Just want to sit around and cry.  Might have something to do with my baby turning 6.  We had a weekend of birthday celebrations that have left me exhausted (physically and mentally) and really not in the right frame of mind for focusing on weight loss.  I was off to such a great start but seem to have had a MAJOR slip.  However, I am pleased to report that although I have given into the call of the Easter chocolate, I have not wavered from my first goal of eliminating pop.  I have been Diet Pepsi free for 16 days!  Let's hope that I can get some sleep tonight and maybe tomorrow will be a better day for me :(

The thing that really pisses me off about my slip yesterday is that I am so upset it happened.  My first goal was to kick the pop for 2 weeks...that's it.  It didn't matter what else I ate, my first step was to get off the Diet Pepsi.  I have done that.  It has been 10 days.  During these 10 days. last night was the only time I ate anything crappy.  So now I am wondering what I am so upset about?  I have still managed to stick to my original goal.  This is what I mean by sabotaging myself.  I was so upset last night and ready to throw in the towel (all over a small plate of nacho chips with some cheese on them) that I lost sight of the fact that I am still on my way to achieving my first goal. 

Today was not such a great day.  I had my first major slip in 10 days.  After a pretty crappy day at work, I rushed home to cook supper for my daughter along with my brother and his 2 kids.  We had a nice visit.  It is Kara's birthday on Monday so they gave her a present today - a Nintendo DS.  After everyone left and Kara was in bed, I made myself a plate of nacho chips with cheese.  I wasn't even really hungry and I didn't even enjoy them.  By the time I was done I was so disgusted I just wanted to make myself throw up.  I think the only thing that stopped me from doing that is that I know it will lead to even bigger problems than the ones I have now.  Before this I have been eating super healthy and have been able to get through the hungry days.  I am disappointed in myself and discouraged!  To make it worse all I keep thinking is "well, I've already screwed up today so what I else can I have before I start back at it tomorrow".

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???????

So I called Dr. B's office today to see how long of a wait I am in for.  I was thoroughly discouraged / disgusted to hear that it is a 7 - 10 year wait.  The first thought that went through my head was that I sure hope I don't die while I am waiting!!! 

Well, I have finally decided that it is time to do something about my ever increasing weight.  I am the 35 year old happily married mother of a beautiful almost 6 year old daughter.  I have come to the conclusion that I not only want to watch her grow up but that I also want to be healthy enough to participate in her childhood.  Tomorrow I am calling Dr. Beausoleil's office to get on the list.  I am not frighten about my decision but rather that my enthusiam will wane as the months pass and that my already severe depression will worsen the longer I wait for a call.  I haven't felt this obsessed about something since I researched PCOD 7 years ago when I was diagnosed with it.  I joined this group at the suggestion of a friend who is also a member.  I am hoping that this site will provide me with the support and guidance I need to make it through the wait and then the subsequent surgery.