Timothy S.

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     Shrink evaluation done and approved..  Next appointment scheduled for Monday June 14th talk about risks and what I want and need from the surgery.

     I think I delete what I am going to say way to much.  I think it stems from not knowing whom will read the blogs, who would really care about what I have to say (Besides my wife) Or really why I am even writing these out... maybe for my own self satisfaction for the fight..  the cause..  The scene..  the means to an end or some twisted sense of adventure. 

     I know my life problems won't end just because I loose weight...  But what if they do?  I will get to breath without a plastic tube again?  How about write and publish a book??  Oh what a dream it would be to publish a novel...

     The High School diaries...  I should place one here for those that I am sure can relate to such things....  Busy day in my head.  Busy busy day.


T.

     I was shaving about twenty minutes ago and watched myself carefully in the mirror.  The realization of meeting a new me is a little overwhelming when I think of it.   I was born 10lbs 8 ounces, had chubby cheeks and chubby legs and oh such a cute tummy when I was a baby.  I grew and grew, keeping the chubby cheeks and chubby little legs and the tummy rounded me out.

     Hitting elementary school as an over weight child was horrid and junior high and high school was a fight for survival.  Daily beatings and name callings gave me a permanent grimace and a not take crap from anyone attitude. 

     I look at the healed flesh of my body and see the scars... One from a knife slashed across my arm from just being the fat kid.  Was I so different that I caused fear and hatred in so many?

     Why is it so hard to see my own self?  I think maybe weight loss is just a rumor and you all are part of a single conspiracy, right?  Damn imagination is just as paranoid as I am!  ;)

     I'll have to take my new self out for...  Ummm... no more soda or coffee... umm... tea?  We'll catch up on new times and try and forget about the old.

T.

Now it's only been a year and the 100 pounds isn't gone....  
 
More medical problems keep popping up and a deep depression has set in. 

That's ok though... I talked with a surgeon a few weeks ago...  I was amazed with his opinions of certain doctors that I was dealing with before.

A long story short, he wanted me to get my head shrink stuff approved and talk with each other more about it (Like the last five years hasn't been enough time to talk about it heh)

So I got my head shrunk last week, and though very crazy, I was considered sane enough for surgery and taking care of myself!!  

Step one.. or is it two...  maybe it's three...  hell who knows...  I was approved...  so now it is time to make another appointment and talk with the surgeon some more. 

Who knows...  maybe there is a smaller me in me somewhere...  It would be nice to meet him, get to know him and maybe stay friends for life... Curious what he will look like....

T...

Ahhh the written word of the blog.  How I have avoided it for so many years.  Now I find myself needing to vent and share.. and... and... Well...  Say whatever is on my mind for that matter.  

I Signed up and haven't said a word yet. Not until I found out that is...  Found out that I was approved for surgery.. BUT there is always a BUT.  

I have to loose 50 to 100lbs first.  Ok.. I love the idea of 50lbs...  But I realize it will probably be 100lbs before the doc will do it.  So 1000 calorie a day diet for me starting really soon.  

I haven't had a scale that could weigh me in about 10 years...  I saw the numbers three days ago and I was speechless...  no words could fill the depressed silent beast with in my heart.  I am so ashamed of myself.  Doesn't that suck?  You are there to CHANGE YOUR LIFE..  Except what needs to be done...  SAVE your life...  BE THERE for your kids...  and yet when you look at the number...  The dreaded liquid crystals that spit out the results of a lifetime being the person you have always been...  

"They Mock you sir!"  

"NAY NAY they do not! For I see the dragon that must be slain"

STILL

I can't even post on here what it was...  not yet..  I am still in shock...  No really..  It's a disturbing shock...  Like if you were to just slice off your finger and look at the stub and this 

"Hmmmfff look at that.  Great I lost a finger!!"  

But your only just feeling the edge of the pain and your not quite screaming that YOU LOST A FINGER!!

Anyway.  

This first Blog is out..  I am on my way to the kingdom of weight loss surgery...

100lbs to go before I can do it...

I am still trying to figure out how to pay for the dietitian and the shrink as well.. 175 bucks.. WOW..  

I have 5 kids and a wife..  a mortgage..  to many bills...  that light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away..  but 100lbs worth of time to come up with the cash...  

Later

T.