JRaeS

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Update. . . .

A lot has beeing going on.I'm still eating like crap, but I'm slowly working on it. I had subway today and yesterday. I'm transitioning with jobs. Stepping down at one and starting a new one with a full time 6 weeks training schedule, which is tough. I know I can do it, but its got me dragging and feeling ugh.

Okay, so I went to my info session as I mentioned before. Informative yes. I have no doubt in my mind that I do I want to do this, but something is holding me back.

I've had countless chances to pick up the phone and make an appointment and start the ball rolling. I don't know why I haven't.

I've been very intune to my eating habits lately. I know that are wrong and I'm trying to change them. I find myself think ing now if only I can get to the gym. Maybe I can do this on my own, no wls. Just maybe. I don't know if I could endure that long process.

Why haven't I made that dumb phone call. Yes I'm pressed for time with all of my obligations, but picking up the phone and making an appt for 1 oe 2 weeks off won't hurt right.

I'm worried and scared and feel uneasy.

I'm such a horrible person. I've become such a horrible person. I really have.

This is my frame of mind right now. I'm fat, I need help (I've owned up to that much) so I have free rein to eat what I want and getting fatter while I'm waiting for this process to take way. What in the world am I thinking and why did I give myself the permission to do so??

Then I'm sitting here hating myself becuase I'm gaining weight and my pants are getting tighter and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm so annoyed with myself right now. Nothing can undo it.

I'm so angry with myself. I want help. UGH I'm frustrated, sorry.

Before it was just a thought, then it turned into I'm going to find out information and I want it. Now its more like I'm going to do this.

I know I've always said to myself that weight loss surgery was a weak  cop out, but I've come to realize that some people just need a little more help. I need a little more help. I've come to the point where I can't do it on my own anymore. I've learned there is nothing wrong with needing help. Yeah, I didn't need it before, but people and things change. I've changed.

I've become less able to deal with things in my life. I've become less able to adapt. I've become less able to get over things. I've become less able to say no. I've become a lot of things. But in all my weakness, I'm still a strong person in other aspects of who I am. I've become a person who is able to admit when she needs help.

At first I was going to do this in secret, but a person has made me scared to go into a hospital alone and not have someone there with you. I figured I'd tell my parents. My father doesn't approve. Says I'm weak and I'm a quitter and a lot of other hurtful things. Which contributed to my eat disorder in high school. My father thinks he knows so much, he says I don't listen, but why am I going to listen to you tell me something about myself when he has not a clue who I am or what I've been through. He doesn't know I had an eating disorder, doesn't know I suffer from depression, doesn't know I've been through counseling, doesn't know anything about me. Yet he thinks he is a expert in who I am. He makes me so angry and I hate him.

He says, I don't need this and that my aunt died from having this surgery. No, my aunt died because she has been sick for years. My whole life something has always been wrong with her. She didn't die from the surgery, her body couldn't handle it from all its years of abuse. She didn't know how to take care of herself. Her kids always took care of her and her husband. I don't ever remember her taking care of anyone.

Back to my point. I am going through with this. A few of my customers have had this and have all done really well. They gave me the name of their doctor and he has great reviews. He is well educated in this area and has been doing this for quite some time. I've done my research. I've read the information. I think this is right for me. On the 14th he is having a seminar that I'm going to. I have to go to before I can make an appointment.

I know that my insurance will cover it. I know I qualify. I know what I have to do before and after the surgery. My family might not support me, but I know others who will.

I'm ready for this. I'm excited. I just hope it all works out. I know I'm getting my hopes up before I even talk to any professional about it. But I'm remaining positive.