jonnyh
i am a 27 year old male from greenville, pa. its a small town an hour and a half between erie, pa and pittsburgh, pa. go steelers!! go pens!!! anyways, i have been big all of my life. in highschool i was on the wrestling team and had to diet most of the time losing weight the wrong way by starving myself. i believe that is what hurt me from those years up until now. i am now looking at surgery on may 19th to help me with my weight loss as diets did not work. growing up i loved to fish, play sports out doors, pretty much anything as long as it was with friends. i went to college and dropped out due to finding a rewarding job helping at risk youth at a detention center. i have now been there for 7 years trying to help mold tomorrows adults. it gets stressfull at times, but what job doesnt? anyways, thats all im going to write about for now. however, i did find this writing on a msg board and thought it described a lot of us. here it is:
**** just a scenario...
I wake up in the morning feeling extremely lethargic, and all i can think about is just staying in bed the entire day and forgetting about everything in the world for a while. I glance down to the floor next to me and see 3 bags of chips, 2 large soda bottles, 4 empty burger packs, 10 cans of diet coke....why? because i dont want to throw them away in the garbage that the rest of the family uses, because i dont want them to see how much i eat.
I check my phone and notice i have a message from my girlfriend. "I love you" she says. I think to myself...why? She is beautiful, gets guys asking for numbers and asking for dates all the time, yet she is with me. I'm fat, why would she be with me? Thats all i can think...i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat. I send her a message back, "I love you too sweetie, and i never want to lose you". I mean that too...99% because i love her to death and want to spend my life with her, and 1% because i'm scared if she does leave me i'll die alone. Why? I'm fat.
I get up and make my way to the bathroom, passing a mirror as i go. Great. Looking like shit today buddy....What else is new. I get in the bathroom and brush my teeth in front of the mirror. "Jesus i have tits....and stretch marks, and hair, and my face is fat and...****". I have a shower and get changed, then i head out the door.
I'm tugging at my shirt every 3 seconds because i dont want my tits to show through it. I'm pulling up my pants every 3 seconds because i like baggy clothing...tight clothing makes me want to kill someone. I meet my gf and have a great day...I tell her how i want to be Huge, like vin diesel! i specifically say i dont want to be a pretty boy...not a brad pitt....but more of a manly looking kinda buff like ...vin diesel. Its great dreaming about what i'd look like and how i'd act if i were big like that....
I admire my gf's physique and think about how lucky i am to have found someone so understanding, and someone that just clicks with me on every level, and on top of it she's gorgeous....and it feels wrong. It feels wrong that something so beautiful is with something so ugly. She deserves better...she deserves someone that respects themself, someone that will be alive in 5 years...someone that can live to be a father to her children...not a fatass. I want that guy to be me.
I drop my girlfriend off at work and kiss her on the cheek..."see you later" i say. I take out my ipod and turn on something adrenaline rushing...usually metallica or something hiphop related. I zone out for a minute and picture walkign around town in baggy pants and a black tank top, buff as hell. I see girls looking at me, and i like that they like me, but i also know i have my girl and that'll never change. I like feeling that power. I picture walking up to every bully i ever came across in my life and slapping his beer belly and laughing at him. "Who's a fat **** now, buddy?".
I get to the gym...Yeah i'm psyched, i'm gonna lift my ass off today man. I'm 260lbs, sure, but i got a good solid base of muscle...i'm not weak...nah, i can become buff in no time. I look around and notice everyone is muscular. Shit. Suddenly the fantasy is over and i'm tugging at my shirt....my shorts are too short, you can see my fat legs. Shit, i'm not lifting enough. Shit i'm lifting too much, dont be an idiot. My girlfriend surprises me by showing up at the gym, and comes up to the free weights section to say hi...All the guys are checking her out, as she walks up to me, the fat guy, and kisses him and says hi.
I feel i dont match up. Shit, that buff guy could take her from me. Shit, that SKINNY guy could take her from me. "Hey honey...uh..i gotta lift, but i'll come to the treadmill in a bit ok?". I kiss her on the cheek and watch her leave....mostly to make sure no one walks up to her to hit on her. What would i do? Most of them are huge buff guys anyways...I gotta get buff, For myself...Gotta stop feeling pity. Gotta look good for me, and for her. She deserves it.
So i lift. The guy next to me smiles....i cant tell if its a good thing, or if he's laughing at the fat guy with the dumbbells. **** him. I lift more. I do my chest, my tri's. I work everything till i'm numb. Then i find my girl and i get on the treadmill next to her and i run. I'm running for my life. I dont want to be 35% bodyfat anymore....She doesn't deserve that, and i dont need to die just yet. This is why i do it....This is why.
