jmshadowdancer

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In a month it will be six years since I had my gastic sleeve done.

I am still grateful to this day.  I feel that if I hadn't done my sleeve, I wouldn't have ever had my daughter.  She is a ball of energy and is full of personality.  I'm still alive to help with homework, and kiss booboos, and give hugs.

 

I stopped getting on the scale about a year or two ago, because my mind wasn't in a good place.  I was obsessed with how much I weighed, but I wasn't doing the right things to get there.  I have a tool and I wasn't really using it.  I would pick up motivation and then the motivation would die when the scale wouldn't move in a way I wanted it to andit was bad.  I was in a bad place.

Currently, I am struggling with anemia.  My doctor says the anemia is triggered from the double whammy of my lack of full absoprtion and endometriosis (my periods have lasted for months at a time, and I have endometrial tissue in my csection scar area) which I am also dealing with.  I have had dental issues since my daughter's birth, so I always blamed her birth for triggering my dental decline. But I am starting to realize that I really do believe that it is related to my surgery.  I am also finally starting to see articles that state the same.  I don't think these issues are stressed enough, or weren't when I was advised to do the surgery.  If I had to do it again, I would.  I will always be fine with my surgery because I know it saved my life.  So I traded my teeth for longer life, and longer to live with my children.

 

I think living with the anemia is starting to become a wake up call for me.  I am having issues with energy which makes me not want to do anything.  I am not as big as I was before surgery, but I am starting to feel like a prisoner in my body again.  

I saw a sponsored post on Facebook for Bariatriceating.com, and joined the facebook group there to kind of get a tap of pulse as to how others are handling things.  I am not necessarily desperate to lose weight right now.  I am trying to be conscientious in what I'm choosing to put in my body because I need energy to keep up with my children.  

I guess I thought that my surgery would solve all of my problems, but it comes with its own unique set of problems.  I've been offered by another hospital when I went with a friend to show support, they offered to do a sleeve revision.  I think that if I did that, it would make me skinny.  However, do I really want to be skinny at this point?  Nothing comes without a price as I have learned.  What will the price be if I do another surgery?  How much worse will my price be, what do I have left to lose?  So I don't think another surgery is for me, but I guess it will continue to be a work in progress.  

I don't think anyone actually ever looks at this, as I'm not the media's happy ending portrayal of fat to skinny.  But if anyone is curious I put up a few pictures from different angles because I really couldn't tell you how much I weigh as i haven't stepped on a scale in forever.  I know that my size 24w pants are fitting loose ever since I started making changes again.  And I wear a size 3x shirt right now.  Everything had been getting snug but now looks right.  So I guess that's as much as I know right now.  

Will I ever be skinny?  I suppose only time and my choices will tell.  

 

I'm alive.

 

 

 

 

I am four years post op.  I have maintained 98 pounds lost thanks largely to my sleeve.  I never reached my goal.  I got pregnant before the two year mark with baby number two.  Have realized that I didn't get to four hundred plus pounds by sitting on my ass eating.  It wasn't that simple.  My weight is a head issue, but thanks to my sleeve I've staved off diabetes and heart attack for now.  I'm planning on contacting surgeons office for postoperative lab work.. I've done it with my own general doctor over the years but just want to be sure the experts think I'm ok.  

I still take my supplements and noticed I don't feel well when I don't.  I don't exercise as much as I would like, even with a gym membership and stationary bike at home.  

I have loose skin.  Tons of it everywhere.  It's frustrating but since I've never reached my goal I've never felt I have the right to complain.  Truly, I'm still as grateful to be alive today as I was four years ago.  For me this wasn't a cure or magic wand to weight loss. It was either do or die literally and I don't have any regrets.  I think we all wish we hadn't gained all the weight but it is what it is. 

I continue to post here sometimes because I think perhaps it will help someone even if I don't know about it.  I know a lot of us veterans disappear into the woodwork and I don't know why.  I used to assume they were all living weight loss fairytales and were too busy to post.  But now I think that some might be like me, not sure where they fit because they aren't weight loss fairytales and no one wants to hear your story unless you went from Bertha to Barbie.  It is what it is.  

 

When I first started losing I was very emotional, like a hurricane of bitch.  I was also very happy getting dressed and shopping for clothes.  I went down to a 16 in jeans but then I got pregnant.  After giving birth I feel saggier.  Clothes fit differently with that sag and I'm a 22/24 at this time.  

 

Do I want to continue losing weight?  Yes and no.  Yes, I want to lose weight.  However, I'm 33 years old and tired and weary of obsessively weighing myself and measuring my fat and obsessing over every bite.  I feel like the focus of my life has secretly been weight loss and I have nothing to show for it.  I know I weigh 308 because I went to the doctor for an apt and was weighed there.  I choose to live low carb but fall on and off the wagon...example Thanksgiving off wagon. Broke equals off wagon.   I'm working on the exercise part but am busy with work, kids, and graduate school.

 It's not about me, it's about my family.  

 

 

 

 

I was browsing Youtube and came across a few videos by user Maxxbenson.  I have to say, he is really mellow and his videos were a reality check for me.  He says in one of them that we have to stop beating ourselves up and treating this like a diet, which it is not.  He says that eating bad isn't necessarily a good thing, but nothing to get guilty and depressed about (which leads to binging for some, self included) as even a screw up like a cookie postop would have been a box or two of cookies preop.  

In my pre op life, a binge would easily have been a pizza pie, two 2liter bottles of soda, and still more.  If I screw up now, it would probably be a slice and a half of pizza and maybe the rest of the slice a few hours later.  And if I dirnk soda I don' thave room for anything else.  Not the best way of thinking, but definitely refreshing because I never thought of it this way and maybe this is one of my problems.

Last night during the Superbowl I had a bowl of wonton soup from the chinese restaurant, consisting of two wontons and half a bag of the dried noodles.  I let myself enjoy the bowl instead of letting my inner voice scream I should have a salad.  And I was good.  It didn't change the fact that I had wonton soup, but feeling guilty wouldn't have changed that either.  I think this guy is on to something and I'm really grateful.

If I'm honest with mysef, my eating isn't necessarily the problem I'm having.  My biggest problems are getting all my water in and vitamins, getting all my protein in, and eating too much of chocolate and snacks instead of nutrient dense food.  I wake up twice a night with my baby girl who is 13 months right now and don't have much energy during the day.  I jumped in front of her playpen twice yesterday playfully and I felt a little winded which was unexpected.

Current Personal Assessment:

I have my lady friend over right now.  It has been exceptionally heavy and my relative suggested I get tested for thyroid problems because really heavy flow is one of the symptoms and my family history is rampant with thyroid issues.  I had a gyn appointment today but that's nixed now due to lady friend.  

I have two broken teeth, a dentist appointment on Friday if the weather permits.  I had two root canals last year and the dentist back then said that my teeth had started demineralizing.  She also said that this could be from my surgery.  I had near perfect teeth before surgery, so this is depressing but I will get through it.  If I don't take advil/tylenol combo, I get pains in my face.  

I've got to go get my bloodwork done but when I went, there were way too many people so I'm going to try again but with an appoitnment.  I won't know what's up with my bloodwork until I get it done.

The bike is sitting there collecting dust and I ordered another leslie sansone dvd because it worked for me when I was in my honeymoon phase.  I think I will try to work my way up there again.  I suppose I might have to start walking in my hallway to music like I did when I was first preop.  

I'm considering weighing in once a month versus once a day.  Or maybe just once a week instead of once a day.  I feel like if I don't weigh every day I'm going to be depressed when I see the weight jump up somehow, but it's held steady in the same ten pound range for the past year technically, so unless I suddenly make a drastic change and engage in worst habits or better habits there won't be a huge change for me.  It's a hard decision and one I'm still considering.  But I do realize I put too much pressure on myself and I focus on the negative when it comes to myself.

I don' t think I would treat my worst enemy the way that I do myself.  That inner voice inside is constantly reminding me how much I hate myself, how ugly and fattastic I think I am, and constantly degrading me for my choices.  I think in a subliminal way I act the way I act, because no matter what I'm going to treat myself like crap anyway.  What a thought.

Anyway, that was longer than usual maybe, and I had more on my mind.  But I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts down and focusing so this is it for now.  

Today the scale said 323. Today has been a better day. I ordered a protein shake that was on sale. It's made with pea protein and tastes okay, better than some of the other stuff I've tried. It's natural too so I suppose that's good. I am also working on taking the vitamins every day again. I changed my calcium to UpCalD which is a small powder pack which blends easily into my protein shake or apple sauce or virtually anything. When I prepped my lunch today I stuck my food into a measuring cup first and then into my lunch container. Right now I'm on my lunch break checking out nutrition deficiencies and stuff.

I do regret not posting more details about the losing phase, and more details about what I ate and did back then... more clearly outlining what I was feeling.  But alas that opportunity is gone so I have to move forward.

Right now as I sit here, I feel very tired.  I am hoping the bloodwork reveals whether or not I have any deficiencies that can be fixed with additional supplementation.  Otherwise, I suppose it can just be my shitty sleep schedule.  My one year old wakes up at around five am and refuses to go to sleep until around 1am.  And she screams like bloody murder.  I am pretty exhausted, and grateful when she sleeps over with family because it gives me sleep.  I had just come out of all that with my now six-year old and it sucks to go through again, but my little one is a cutie and I do love her and all.

Which gets me thinking to when I stopped losing weight and started gaining it.  It happened when I was pregnant.  I found out that I was pregnant about a year and a half after my surgery.  It was kind of an Oops moment, wasn't really planned or anything.  Yes, I thought it would be nice to get pregnant, and yes, I may have asked my doctor about it but I didn't think I would actually get pregnant a second time.  

I got anemia while pregnant with my little girl and had to go get some neurological tests done because I started fainting during her pregnancy.  During her pregnancy it was hard to eat and hold anything down. I don't know if it had to do with my wls or if it was just how her pregnancy happened to be.  Additionally, during her pregnancy I felt so freaking upset that I was gaining weight at all.  I worked hard and went through hell and back, and got cut open and sewed up to lose weight and them BAM, gained weight.  

So I sit here and I feel sometimes like a failure.  I don't want to lean back and push the blame on my pregnancy, but honestly, I was doing really well before the pregnancy.  I remember I exercised every single day and it wasn't like I was a gym bunny but it was exercise and I felt like a teenager again, and was eating protein and salads and doing amazing.  

I was so broke during maternity leave because I didn't get a single dollar until after I went back to work, and I hadn't had enough time to prepare so I had nothing saved for it.  I was too broke to afford protein or any of that stuff.  I still had to feed the family and the small dollars we had needed to be stretched.  I was worried all the time about paying my bills, it was so scary.

I am still playing catchup with my finances but am almost caught up a year and some change after giving birth.  I feel hopeful for the year 2014, that this will be a better year between me and the scale.  I just have to start back from the beginning I guess.  So I've gotta go get that bloodwork done and get some energy back in my life...

 

 

 

I am looking back to old posts and wish I had kept more track of what I was feeling and what I was doing. But I did not. What I do know is I was eating a lot less. I wrote about a month after surgery that I would eat an egg sandwich, half at breakfast and half at lunch, and a 1/2 slice of pizza for dinner. If I'm conscious of what I'm eating then that would probably be enough to satisfy me still. However, mentally I feel the need to eat more. I noticed that about myself and I eat too many times a day now. And I eat more of slider foods than I should. I just turned 33 over the summer, and I think I'm starting to understand something I never did in my youth. There is no miracle weight loss drug, diet, or procedure that will effortlessly make me thin. Like there is no magic cure for smokers, and like none of those debt help places will actually get anyone out of debt. I weigh 317.4 today. I feel huge. I know I'm not doing things right or perfectly, and I know I have to get there somehow. I'm going to be out of debt this year and that's going to be a big weight off my shoulders. From there, I'm going to dedicate myself to taking steps to fixing my weight issue. No more fad diets, pills, powders ever again. They don't work. I did make a dr appointment and have to get bloodwork done so I can figure out if I have vitamin deficiencies.

So here I am. I am officially three years post op. I feel like a failure sometimes, and it is a desperate feeling. However, I refuse to completely shortchange myself. I have come a long way, even if there is a long way left to go. In the past months, I joined some facebook groups related to vsg and that sucked. I got an exercise bike which I don't use as often as I'd like. I did start some workout videos on the xbox one. I explored my feelings towards my parents' effects on my attitudes towards food. In the past three years, I lost a lot of weight, had a baby, lost track and gained 40 pounds. Is this the end? I don't think so.

I've been going through a lot of emotions. I've been going back and looking at my past and analyzing, guided by the book Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel. It's been hard, emotional for me. I do admit I've been feeling lighter in spirit, but we will see where this goes. I think I've been working on this for about a week or two.

I'm feeling moody today. I wonder if I should just throw in the towel, because maybe my journey is done. The scale doesn't budge and I look in the mirror. To me, I don't look like a success. I weigh 315-320 pounds depending on the day. I feel selfish for even giving this so much of my effort and devotion when my kids need me to be a mom. And then I feel like a failure as a mother. I want to be Supermom, ready to save the day. But I can't even save myself from being fat. I'm in two support groups online as a last ditch effort to the support group thing which for me...I feel there is nowhere I truly belong. I'm not preop. I'm not fabulously postop looking like a bariatric barbie. I look plain fat. A fat monster with huge body parts. A self-sabatoging fool who can't keep it together and make that scale budge. What happens if this is really the end, as far as I can go? I hate myself thoroughly. I got a book on emotional healing to try to scratch the surface at least and try to work on the emotional part of it. Taking this pity party back inside my head.

317 on Friday morning thanks to that time of the month.  Bah!!

One of my friends got his personal trainer license recently.  

I had a conversation with him a couple of nights ago regarding my fitness goals and he gave me some advice.

He also gave me some exercises to work on.  However, his idea of exercise versus the paltry amount of it that I was getting is a lot. Under his advice I will be doing triple what I was doing, and the majority of it in weight training.  I see where he is coming from as I want to tone.  I also am ready for the challenge.  However, I got my lady friend and felt incredibly drained when I came home Friday and basically went to sleep.  

So now it's Saturday morning and I'm kind of watching the sunrise but still feeling incredibly sluggish from my lady friend.  I think I will implement the routine on Monday because by then I'll be more than halfway through and will have a little more energy.  I've gotta check in with him in two weeks.  If this works I'll be happy, though sometimes I don't think I'll ever get to anywhere near my goal.

I'm also thinking of taking my little man out today for a ride on his scooter, except that it's supposed to rain.