Jmoo

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I got my xray and ultrasound results. They show I have an enlarged heart and a fatty liver. I have to go see a bunch of specialists and have a cardiogram and a stress test for my heart, I'm unsure about my liver. I also have a urinary tract infection. Bumps in the road, but I help it pushes me further ahead for surgery.

So far, I had abnormal lab results resulting in a prescription to treat uric acid, now I have to go to the doctor's again because my chest xrays have come back abnormal. Am I this bad? This out of shape? I'm 21 and I feel like a 60 year old woman. They scheduled me right away, got me in as soon as they could to "talk" with the doctor. She made it sound like I was going to say my last words, geesh. Then I have to have another xray and more tests. What could be wrong? I'm scared when I don't know if I should or shouldn't be. But it looks like my going home will be postponed. Who knows what's wrong.. I just would like some answers. I hate how vague everyone is and the only person that has explained anything barely spoke English and I couldn't get a word out of what she was trying to say.

*sigh*

Mental health problems run in my family, I have an aunt who's schizophrenic, a father who's bipolar and controls it with substance abuse, and I know at least 5 members of my family off the top of my head that suffer from depression. I was told it's a chemical imbalance, or that I was just feeling "down". I've been prescribed a plethora of drugs, but the depression never changes. I'm depressed because I'm so damn fat.

It's gotten increasingly worse. I've always suffered with my weight, but after I had my son, I had a meltdown of sorts. I had gained so much weight in my pregnancy that moving around was hard. Looking at myself was unbearable and that awful feeling that my husband is no longer attracted to be tugged at the back of  my mind. I took my medication bottle and I finished it off. I had been plagued with being overweight so long I repeated the same thing i had done 4 years prior. I waited out the night and I woke up feeling like a hangover. I haven't tried it since (this was well over 2 years ago) but the thought comes at me when I'm really at a lowpoint.

I don't leave the house anymore. I'm so desperately ashamed of myself. I wonder what people think when they look at me. When I can barely fit in a booth when my husband wants to go out to restaurants. I don't take my son to the park (my DH does that) because I am ashamed that I can't chase after him without getting winded. He runs so much faster than I can and he knows I'll quit chasing him after 30 seconds. I no longer have clothes that fit me, so when I do go to my doctor's appointment I wear whatever stretches the most and I pray I don't pop buttons or my zippers will stay up. I'm petrified to go buy more clothes because I don't want to admit I'm a size 24, leaning on 26. I don't want to breakdown and cry in a dressing room because nothing fits, looks right, or because that reflection staring back it me is of this big, disgusting, fat person.

My sex life is nonexistant. I have a beautiful husband, he's gorgeous, and when we got together I was heavy but never like this. He's been nothing but supportive and always loves me the most when I need it, but I feel bad for him. I know he could be with someone thinner and prettier, and I pity him for having to be intimate with a fat cow like me. He's a wonderful man and this disease that I have, mental and physical, has affected him so badly. Sometimes when we DO manage to have sex he has these looks like he's disgusted, he closes his eyes more often than he ever did before and it makes me want to cry. As far as the physical sensations of sex go, I can't feel it. I couldn't feel it about 6 months into my pregnancy when I gained all kinds of weight. I just can't feel it. I've tried pelvic excersizes but nothing seems to help. I've told my doctor about it but she insisted it was all in my head. (How sweet of her, right?) I hate sex. I should love it, but I hate absolutely everything about it, and it should be a bigger part of my marriage.

I don't want to say too much for fear of sounding crazy, but I wake up most days and wish that I hadn't of. I wish I could sleep for a thousand years, I pray for some miracle, and the longer I wait for approval the more I feel as if I have no chance in hell to have a "normal" life. My back hurts, my legs ache, and I have that little voice in the back of my mind telling me what a disgusting failure I am. I'm too scared to get a job or go to school. I haven't socialized in 2 years and it's the fear that keeps me home. I don't want people to see me like this and I haven't seen family in 6 months but I will be driving up there (however will I manage this?) to spend a month with them while my husband is away at school in Ohio. My father was very cruel to me when I was a kid, my mother would call me fat and then buy me McDonald's as her way of saying sorry. It's an awful place to be, but I can't live here alone because I never leave the house. My husband has assumed all responsibilities. He cooks, cleans, he goes out and runs every errand, while working a 10hr job. I've allowed my depression to ruin his life as well as mine and I don't see a solution in sight. However, surgery gives me hope. But it's the fear of not having it, that will be my ultimate breakdown.

My ultrasound was 11:55 at night on Sunday. I have to say it was extremely painful. I don't remember my pregnancy ones being quite as bad as this one. She said I should get my results in a day or two so make SURE to call my doctor. My doctor told me even before I had it done to call her 2 weeks after the ultrasound. I'm wondering, could something be wrong?

It felt like there was so much pressure each time she pushed, and my body was giving back so much resistance. Each time she pressed harder I could feel little tears forming at the corner of my eyes. I couldn't believe how painful it was, but then I started thinking that it's worth it. I've been to hell, and then here I was making a life altering decision. The technician was wonderfully nice. She was southern so she talked a bit fast for me, but she made me feel completely wonderful. She said she would have the surgery in a minute, I just kept thinking that I was lucky. Nothing is 100% yet, but I'm hoping and praying every day. Perhaps, WLS is my miracle.. it just took me so long to go ahead and make it real.

Well, I got some results back on some of the labs I had done. I couldn't really understand the lab technician as her english was very poor. But I made out "arthritis" and "prescription for you". My husband went and picked it up, it's INDOMETHACIN SR, I've never heard of it. I googled it and I guess it's for arthritis and pregnancies (but I'm not pregnant!).. I also read up on uric acids, and I guess they can lead to gout or kidney stones. Kidney disease is very high in my family, but I believe it's for my joints. I can't walk too well anymore which is cause for making me to stress over anything.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is the wait. Everything takes time, I understand but the thought of not having surgery for a year or two makes me so miserable. My life is awful now, I push my poor husband further and further away because I hate myself. But just starting the process gave me hope which has gone away because I'm nothing but a pessimist. I got an email about antidepressents. I used to be medicated, but medication masks the problem and doesn't take away the feeling of hopelessness because you ARE so overweight. And now all these problems are coming out of the woodwork. I won't even know if I'm approved for the surgery until I'm transferred over to the Portsmouth hospital. Once I'm there I have to go through classes, evals, and exams. THEN the insurance papers are submitted, but what if I'm denied? I'm having a terrible day today. I'm 21 and I feel as if there is no hope left for me. How awful is that? I should rejoice because I have a beautiful toddler and a loving husband, but it's all the other areas of my life that are lacking.

I'm petrified to get a job or go to school because it's that fear of people seeing me. Judging me, and having to be around people when I feel so physically weak and sick. I do not go out and when I do it's awful. My u/s appointment has been moved to tomorrow night at midnight. Isn't that crazy? But then all the other things will have to be put on hold because I'll be going home to Maine. My husband is being shipped off to a special school for 2 months and I can't be here alone. I'm brand new to the city, everything is new to me, and I have the fear of leaving the house so there is no way I'd be able to be here. But I don't want to go home. I don't want my family seeing me, my parents have never been careful when talking about my being overweight. I always grew up with them telling me I was fat, and the fact I've gained even MORE weight since I last saw them is causing me to stress out. My poor little boy, how did he end up with a crazy mother?

So, there's 1,000 other things on my mind, but I don't want to come off as badly as I would if I typed them all out.

This is the first step, and I took it! I talked to the doctor and she said I'd be good for gastric bypass. I weighed in at 270 (omg, did I really get so big?), with high blood pressure, but I'm certain it doesn't stop there. I'm still a little confused what happens now. I had an EKG, blood work, a chest xray, and a urinalysis. I call tomorrow morning to schedule an ultrasound to check for gallstones. I'm not sure if this means I'm still 100% approved for surgery. I guess once all the results are in I'll be transferred to a different clinic and have to go through even more tests.

She said it could take a year and that the waiting list is long. I can't wait much longer. My life is really no life at all. Today was the first time in 2 months since I've left the house and the entire time I was so embarassed of myself. I could feel people looking at me, and I'm sure a few of them thought I was pregnant with this big stomach of mine. My depressing has gotten worse over these past few months. I would think, if I have to keep living like this, I'd rather not live at all. But then I'd wonder how the paramedics would carry me out and if they have to bury me in a piano box. Excuse the dramatics! But everyday I feel like I am physically, PHYSICALLY dying. 

So, that's that. And when I'm not so clueless and in the dark I'll update.

This is my last hope and I don't want to lose the faith!

I've been overweight since I was 5 years old. I grew up in a house where my mom was a size 2, my dad was a 32 waist, and both my sisters were size 4's. I remember being on various diets consisting of fiber, awful crackers, and laxatives when I was very young. At age 12 I had a colonoscopy and an ultrasound to see if there was a cause for my weight gain. At 13 I was a size 18 and I remember crying everyday because I wasn't as small as the other girls. My weight has continued to grow. I had my son in 2004 and afterwards maintained 225 for a year and a half. I'm 21 now and weigh in at a staggering 250 lbs.

Physically, I feel like I'm dying. My heart hurts, my back aches (the pain is unbelievable), my legs hurts, I can't sleep, and I have sores under my stomach where it rubs. I have to lift up my stomach every night and spray it with bactine because it hurts and chaffes. I have severe depression because of my weight.  We recently went through a transfer and I haven't gone out for 2 months. I'm terrified to work or to go to college because I'm embarassed by the way I look and I'm tired of people staring at me. It's also caused a huge riff between my husband and I, our intimate relationship is nonexistance.


I always thought I was a lost cause and that I'd be heavy forever. With this website I see hope, but my insurance is Tricare and being a military dependent I'm worried about getting rejected. 

I've tried just about every diet, you name it and I'm sure I've done it. I exercised religiously, I tried starving myself, I've tried just about everything. I live a hopeless life where I feel like at any minute I could die. I haven't been to the doctors to have a physical, the last time I went the doctors he set me up with a nutrionist that told me to eat at least twice a day and told me to come back in 2 weeks.. she kept rescheduling that the follow up appointment was 6 weeks longer than what she had promised. I feel like when it comes to losing weight everyone gives up on me. Hopefully this will be a caring online community where I can get answers to my questions.. and hopefully I'll be approved for the surgery and my life will change for the better!