Jillianfd718
horrible day
Oct 31, 2009
well i guess this is the only place to vent, i took my daughter trick or treating and that was okay.
when my mother and i get into arguements she completey tears me down. Past mistakes i have made are brought up and thrown in my face in the worst way. She is an irritable person when it comes to me and family i feel but if it's a white person (no pun intended) its all good and i feel like she values them more, i understand but i feel she just overdoes it. if we are talking about something and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore i get completely shut down and not in a nice way. i also say horrible things to her it got worse after i had a baby because i feel like she shouldn't be talking. when i was 15 she was basically trying to get rid of me. literally like one time she told me that she was going to get me my own apartment and that it was in katona ny, and that we had to go see it first. so she picks me up and we make the 6 hour trip by train. when we are entering this medical place she tells me the truth, turns out it was a mental facility and she lied and told the doctor that i told her i wanted to kill myself, she also told them i smoked pot which was true so when they tested me they found it, they released me 8 days later because they didnt find anything mentally wrong with me. point is, i feel like we are getting back to that place and those feelings which took YEARS to get rid of . i love my mom but i hate when she says certain things to me. i lost respect for her a longggggggg time ago and even when i tried to show her respect after everything she still treats me like shit. dont get me wrong i know she loves me and all but she wants shit her way or the highway and that doesnt fly with me. i know its my fault because im 23 i should be out on my own but i made mistakes and fucked myself over. which brings me to why im soooo pissed, and its because i cant stop kicking myself for making those mistakes. im also mad because when we are happy with each other she builds me up on things that are important to me but then when we argue she breaks me down. its like with her there is no low grade argument, she gets personal and goes at my throat and i feel like the only way to get her off is by going at her throat. ITS JUST THE SHIT SHE SAYS! im not saying i grew up entirely horrible but if i could change stuff there are ALOT of things i would.
some words of encouragement to myself
"dont worry jill at the end of the day you will prevail!"
"you gon make it, you gon make it you gon make it"
"in you there are no limitations"
lmao im going to
thanks for listening, that felt good
1 comment
when my mother and i get into arguements she completey tears me down. Past mistakes i have made are brought up and thrown in my face in the worst way. She is an irritable person when it comes to me and family i feel but if it's a white person (no pun intended) its all good and i feel like she values them more, i understand but i feel she just overdoes it. if we are talking about something and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore i get completely shut down and not in a nice way. i also say horrible things to her it got worse after i had a baby because i feel like she shouldn't be talking. when i was 15 she was basically trying to get rid of me. literally like one time she told me that she was going to get me my own apartment and that it was in katona ny, and that we had to go see it first. so she picks me up and we make the 6 hour trip by train. when we are entering this medical place she tells me the truth, turns out it was a mental facility and she lied and told the doctor that i told her i wanted to kill myself, she also told them i smoked pot which was true so when they tested me they found it, they released me 8 days later because they didnt find anything mentally wrong with me. point is, i feel like we are getting back to that place and those feelings which took YEARS to get rid of . i love my mom but i hate when she says certain things to me. i lost respect for her a longggggggg time ago and even when i tried to show her respect after everything she still treats me like shit. dont get me wrong i know she loves me and all but she wants shit her way or the highway and that doesnt fly with me. i know its my fault because im 23 i should be out on my own but i made mistakes and fucked myself over. which brings me to why im soooo pissed, and its because i cant stop kicking myself for making those mistakes. im also mad because when we are happy with each other she builds me up on things that are important to me but then when we argue she breaks me down. its like with her there is no low grade argument, she gets personal and goes at my throat and i feel like the only way to get her off is by going at her throat. ITS JUST THE SHIT SHE SAYS! im not saying i grew up entirely horrible but if i could change stuff there are ALOT of things i would.
some words of encouragement to myself
"dont worry jill at the end of the day you will prevail!"
"you gon make it, you gon make it you gon make it"
"in you there are no limitations"
lmao im going to
thanks for listening, that felt good
Preop testing
Oct 27, 2009
I went today, all I have to do left is a pap smear, and the physcological and nutrionist, and then i can get a date lets see how long that takes!
1 comment
Every big girl (and boy)
Oct 22, 2009
I used to think that I was the only one with self concious issues, for example, not wanting to sit and break a chair, staying in one position so that my arms wouldn't look that big, always wearing my hair down so I would look slimmer, wearing baggy clothes so I could hide my belly, even in sex he would want me to be completely naked and I did it to but only while I was dying inside of embarrassment, there are soooo many issues us big people go through mentally! some more than others like myself.
One thing that used to make me feel bad is when I would go out with my friends and all my girls are wearing dresses and skirts and I would wear pants. Don't get me wrong I still looked cute but I feel like I ruined it
. Another thing was when my ex used to stare at skinny girls
. I have NOOOO problem at all if my 'man' looks at other girls but he would stare! I look at other men but I dont stare. 
I know that Im pretty but I feel like my weight hides it. And thats the truth it does. Is there such a thing called BBW for those of you who dont know BBW mean Big Beautiful Women. I believe there is but if those women would actually lose weight I think they would have to change that to just gorgeous women, hence the fat hiding the beauty. I think I became big for a reason, because everybody knows that big girl's are humble, have excellent personality's, and just plain sweet. All this time other girls who didn't have a weight problem were and still are shining. But all my ladies, its most definitely our time to shine and when we do alot of those other girl's are going to hate. So while we resolve our weight issue we will still have other issues that arrive. But I don't mind them lol! I need to be healthy, fit, and everything else that comes with being weight proportional.
So Im going to close this with
Move bitch get out the way Its our time to shine and we here to stay!
lmao, can you guys tell I felt like writing? TTUL
I love the lil smileys
0 comments
One thing that used to make me feel bad is when I would go out with my friends and all my girls are wearing dresses and skirts and I would wear pants. Don't get me wrong I still looked cute but I feel like I ruined it
. Another thing was when my ex used to stare at skinny girls. I have NOOOO problem at all if my 'man' looks at other girls but he would stare! I look at other men but I dont stare. I know that Im pretty but I feel like my weight hides it. And thats the truth it does. Is there such a thing called BBW for those of you who dont know BBW mean Big Beautiful Women. I believe there is but if those women would actually lose weight I think they would have to change that to just gorgeous women, hence the fat hiding the beauty. I think I became big for a reason, because everybody knows that big girl's are humble, have excellent personality's, and just plain sweet. All this time other girls who didn't have a weight problem were and still are shining. But all my ladies, its most definitely our time to shine and when we do alot of those other girl's are going to hate. So while we resolve our weight issue we will still have other issues that arrive. But I don't mind them lol! I need to be healthy, fit, and everything else that comes with being weight proportional.
So Im going to close this with
Move bitch get out the way Its our time to shine and we here to stay! lmao, can you guys tell I felt like writing? TTUL I love the lil smileys
I've been writing everyday
Oct 21, 2009
Well I'm currently unemployed because I cannot trust anyone to babysit and school doesn't start until Jan so here I am again. Hello everyone who is reading this! Earlier I wrote this longggggggggggg blog but then it got deleted because my brother came over and he was trying to read what I was writing. Reason I didn't want him to read it is because Im naturally a shy girl. Not with you guys though, maybe because we dont hang out and don't know each other like that? Dont know.
Anyway, I have been sad allllllll day. About everything! I want to hurry up and get this surgery done, I dont know what I am going to do when that day comes and my baby asks for her father, (he passed away.) Sometimes I feel like I have to find a man/husband ASAP! lol I just want her to or bettehave a father figure. Not anyone but someone who will be there and has good morals, and ethic's. He also has to be employed, and at least make 60,000/yearly r. I hope Im not coming off as a gold digger or judgemental but my daughter and I deserve the best, or at least something close to it. Personality to me matters the most but if your living off your mother it wont work between us because Im struggling enough. I can't wait till I finish school because then that would be a minigoal I accomplish and would catapult me to my main goal which is a secret lol. Someone write me a message or something Im dying here. I need to socialize! lmao
Have a goodnight everyone
1 comment
Anyway, I have been sad allllllll day. About everything! I want to hurry up and get this surgery done, I dont know what I am going to do when that day comes and my baby asks for her father, (he passed away.) Sometimes I feel like I have to find a man/husband ASAP! lol I just want her to or bettehave a father figure. Not anyone but someone who will be there and has good morals, and ethic's. He also has to be employed, and at least make 60,000/yearly r. I hope Im not coming off as a gold digger or judgemental but my daughter and I deserve the best, or at least something close to it. Personality to me matters the most but if your living off your mother it wont work between us because Im struggling enough. I can't wait till I finish school because then that would be a minigoal I accomplish and would catapult me to my main goal which is a secret lol. Someone write me a message or something Im dying here. I need to socialize! lmao
Have a goodnight everyone
What a night
Oct 20, 2009
Well my babygirl has croup and I really havnt slept in about 2 weeks because everynight she wakes up coughing like a dog, except last night it was high pitched, i have to take her to the doctor (again) and Im just soooooooo tired. Hopefully this will be done and over with. 
0 comments
Ready to whoop sum a$$
Oct 19, 2009
Okay Im real annoyed right now. Why is it that a certain someone in my family is like jekkel and hyde? I mean pick a fucking mood already, I got enough on my plate for her to be pickin on irelevant things. She needs to walk a mile in my shoes before she talks. If only she could.
Wish I could hit the lotto and runaway for real!
3 comments
Wish I could hit the lotto and runaway for real!
Reality banged me in the face. lol
Oct 19, 2009
Well I was looking at alot of before and after pictures and it really hit me that soon I should be a healthy weight (even though I havnt had surgery yet) Is it normal to be scared of being happy? I don't know but Im more excited than anything. Hopefully I will get this done ASAP. Im just feenin to get this done because I know 2 things
1. I deserve it
2. My whole life will change
Any thought anyone? especially about the being scared of being happy?
3 comments
1. I deserve it
2. My whole life will change
Any thought anyone? especially about the being scared of being happy?
Treat my first like my last and my last like my first
Oct 18, 2009
Hey everyone! Im soo excited to join this community! Im a first time blogger. Well I already went for consultation now I just have to go to my preop appointment and then pass the evaluation. Im sooo excited and a lil scared because after I saw the before and after pictures it really hit me that I would be a healthy weight for the first time in 15 years (im 23.) Its really important to me because I do have an infant daughter and I plan on seeing her graduate. get married, and so forth. And also to set a good example for her.
I am a VERY blunt person and I have to say this! I cannot WAIT, to have sex after I lose the weight. lmao!!! I hope no one is offended by my statement it's just how I feel and I wonder is there anyone else who feels the same? Or any other people who have done it?
Well good luck to everyone I will be posting again on the 27th after I get back from my preop testing, please keep me in your prayers!!!! and wish me all the luck you can!
3 comments
I am a VERY blunt person and I have to say this! I cannot WAIT, to have sex after I lose the weight. lmao!!! I hope no one is offended by my statement it's just how I feel and I wonder is there anyone else who feels the same? Or any other people who have done it?
Well good luck to everyone I will be posting again on the 27th after I get back from my preop testing, please keep me in your prayers!!!! and wish me all the luck you can!
