I started this journey in august 2004 after a physical with my doctor. We discussed weight loss options, as the program I had been on in 2004 yielded the same results I always got - lost 30 pounds, gained it all back and more. I was at my heaviest weight and chronically frustrated with myself and my lack of ability to "do this on my own."My doctor recommended I pursue gastric bypass, particularly the lap-band, which was much less invasive and had been done in europe successfully for a number of years. He also thought he could get my insurer to pay for it. I left that appointment feeling more motivated than I had in years, full of hope and relief that finally this awful burden would be lifted. He was wrong about getting the insurer to pay for it. Dead Wrong! I spent the next two months writing letters and filing appeals only to have it rejected because of a written exclusion. I thought I was going to be the one who could get this done. I have diabetes and am on so much medication my retail drug cost annually is almost as much as the cost of the surgery. Also, my medical costs for the last 4 years, all weight-related, have totaled more than $100,000. I met the president of the insurer in a teleconference and I still was unsuccessful. I may not have gotten the surgery approved, but through this whole process I have learned to stand up for myself and feel confident that what I want is right for me. I have um, cahones now! Those things make me feel good, so there is some benefit to this trying process.5/31/05I am going to put the letter I wrote to my surgeon about why I wanted this surgery. I think it states how I got fat, why I want to lose weight,and the struggle I've had.Speaking of struggle, I started my liquid diet yesterday. What I did find is that the preparation for it was worse than the actual diet. I started this on my day off, and found out exactly how much time I spend snacking on my days off. That will take some work to overcome. I organized my kitchen, shopped for food for 2 weeks, cleaned out the fridge and freezer. I won't say it was easy, because it was not. I also got hit very hard with a really low blood sugar after dinner, which threw me for a wallop. Even though I cut my insulin in half! So I am tweaking the insulin a bit today. A bit more in the am (corresponding with my meter readings and my doc's orders, and I'll cut way back by 30-50% more on the novalog this evening. I wasn't perfect yesterday, but I did start the liquid diet 5 days in advance of the requirement. I want to lose 15 pounds before my surgery per the docs request. Having the low blood sugar freaked me out as usual and I did eat some carbs and glucose tabs afterwards. I mean it was at 8:30 p.m. and I had the peak of the novolog coming on yet!I'm still working at it today. Feeling good. Here's my letter which was written last March.--------As part of your evaluation of me as a candidate for Gastric Lap-Band Surgery, you asked me to write a letter describing my efforts to lose weight and the reasons why I wanted to have the surgery. At our initial consult I heard two things that were indelibly impressed upon my memory. The first thing that really inspired me occurred when talking to a physicians's assistant. We were discussing costs and items covered by my insurer. She noted that with my long history as a diabetic, it would be likely that all of my nutritionist appointments would be covered. However, she said once I was a “Non-Diabetic,” those appointments would most likely be paid out of pocket. For a minute I didn’t hear anything else she said. I wanted to stop her and ask her to repeat the phrase so I could hear it again. Few aspects of this surgery are as exciting, or as directly beneficial, than the possibility I might become a “Non Diabetic”. I do not really believe that I will ever become a “Non Diabetic,” but it’s a nice fantasy to entertain! I am one of a legacy of diabetic women in my family. I call it the “Nordholm Woman Syndrome”. My mother, a lifelong Type I diabetic, died in 1990 of a massive stroke directly caused by diabetes. The autopsy showed her body was on the verge of collapse from kidney malfunction and other diabetic complications. At age 46, she appeared to be very fit, healthy, and beautiful. While she always took exceptional care of herself, she struggled for years with a hairline foot fracture that wouldn’t heal, resulting in a below the knee amputation during my senior year of high school. She also was a pioneer patient of a fledgling laser eye surgery program during my childhood.My mother’s untimely death created a special bond of grief and caring with my grandmother, Florence Buslee Nordholm. My grandmother lost her mother at an early age and raised her younger brother. When my mother died she became incredibly protective of me. Even though I was an independent 23-year old adult, we needed to keep in contact, to help each other heal from our loss. She had a strong heart and lived a good life. When she died in December 2000 at age 89, we shared a second bond; we were both Type II diabetics. Before she died, my grandmother shared with me the concern that her mother also suffered from diabetes, although it may have not been diagnosed. When I am having difficulties in dealing with my own diabetes (diagnosed in 1993), I wear my mother’s wedding ring, which has diamonds on it from my grandmother’s wedding set, and a wedding band that belonged to my great grandmother. I think about their struggles, their compassion, their courage in the face of adversity, and their love for me. It makes all of the compromises I make to achieve tight control of my own diabetes, and all of the hassles of self care, more bearable. At least, I did wear those rings until a few years ago. They no longer fit! When diagnosed as a diabetic, I started immediately on insulin. Despite numerous attempts and gaining and losing over the years, my weight has now doubled from what I weighed when initially diagnosed. I have horrific insulin resistance, and take a lot of insulin. It is very difficult for me to lose weight easily. I have always had to battle my eating and weight since childhood. How much of my weight problem was real, vs. perceived, is a bit of a mystery. My mother, always terrified I would become diabetic, watched what I ate and what I weighed like a hawk. It was hard to grow up with healthy eating habits under those circumstances. As an adult I now know that I coped with this pressure, and the pressures I felt as a side effect of her illness and diabetic complications, by sneaking food and overeating. I tried so hard to please her! I feel like I was perpetually on a diet as a child. At age 16, eager to placate her desire for me to be thin and beautiful, I went on Nutri-System, which was expensive. We took a family trip to Florida and I took a hotplate and cans of prepackaged food. I maybe needed to lose 30 pounds at the time. I lost some weight, and then got sick of the food, and the routine. I didn’t have the heart to tell her. After all, she depended on me – if I could only make her happy! I continued to go to the center, but didn’t tell her I had given up on the diet., sneaking food and stockpiling those damn cans of Nutrisystem in a box in the garage. This went on for a few weeks until she knocked over the box accidentally and my secret was out. I’ve never felt so ashamed as I did that day, but it was more that I disappointed her than I was unable to eat that terrible food that made me feel so awful. I could spend countless paragraphs talking about my efforts to be healthy and lose weight. As a “super obese” person I can tell you I have spent years trying to develop a healthy lifestyle. Some things have developed, while others languished. I can tell you that I am a bright, accomplished woman with a good career because I am extremely conscientious and detail-oriented. I have a good marriage to an wonderful life partner. I also have a tremendous amount of self-loathing over the body I inhabit, its limitations, and my inability to conquer this problem. I have let my focus digress further than I expected in writing you this letter. Let me refocus by telling you about the second memory stamp made in my initial consult. You told me I needed to write this letter. “I want you to be emotional,” you said. “Make it come from the heart.”When I started writing this letter, I was not sure I could be emotional about this situation. Sure, I could tell you about weepy moments when I’ve lacked self-confidence, wallowing in self-hatred and self pity. The fact that I take medication for depression may concern you that I am not mentally capable of having this surgery. When you weigh what I do, everything becomes a challenge, including just moving. I’m tired all the time, I’m sick a lot, and wherever I go, I have the added burden of worrying that there might not be chairs big enough to support me!The truth is, over the last 8 months, after my doctor recommended I might be a good candidate for this surgery, I have become somewhat unemotional and hard-hearted about the process. It was the best way to cope with an illogical business decision on the part of the insurance company (the cost of my medications is almost as much annually as the cost of the surgery, and over the past 4 years I estimate my medical costs have been in excess of $100,000). Had I remained emotional and soft-hearted about this situation, I would not be in the place I am today. I have unemotionally done my homework, analyzed the risks, thoroughly examined the costs and determined my options for payment for the procedure. I believe that Dean is the best place for me to have the surgery, even though my emotions urge me to retain my anger at the Dean Health Plan and take my business elsewhere. I can say with full confidence that I have analyzed this procedure from all angles and I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to make the commitment, for better or for worse, that’s required with this surgery. In closing, I would like to tell you why I want to have this surgery. I am tired of having my body hold me back from being all that I can be. I want to improve my health. I want to walk, swim, be outdoors and be social without needing to take a nap. I want to reciprocate the good karma, that has been sent my way unconditionally, without physical recourse. I want to grow old with my husband and be available to nurture my loved ones. I want the satisfaction of hard work and results that come from this kind of commitment. Thank you for considering me. I look forward to your decision. ------- 5/31/05I'm going to make a playlist of songs that motivate me and make me think positive. Discussion from this board talks about getting a mantra that you keep saying to yourself. I was using the "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels" til someone on this board wisely pointed out none of us really know what thin feels like! So that is out. In the car today without my Ipod (SOB) I was listening to an old CD, including a version of the song "It's the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine)" by The Suicide machines. Very fast,punk, screaming, fun. That's my new mantra...its the end of the world as I know it, and I feel FINE!6/6/05I am so happy...I just returned from my doctor's office and my pre-op physical. We met to discuss managing my medications. I am so THRILLED to tell you that after starting the liquid diet last week I lost 10 pounds!!! YAY ME!!! I struggled with the diet a bit. I drank the Slim-Fast and that gave me horrible cramps and diarrhea. On top of that, the lack of food and mt iron pill caused constipation. I'm not kidding, I didn't know what hit me for a few days there. I called my doctor's office and they told me to mostly relax, not worry so much about the liquid diet and losing weight, eat a regular meal once in a while if I needed to, and generally be healthy. That reframed my attitude and I did ok over the weekend. But now that I've been on the scale I'm more motivated than ever! So the stress and hassle was worth it. I think it is sending a serious wake up call to me about how unhealthy my eating habits had been. I went cold turkey on a lot of things last week! The best thing is, I'm in a better place this week, and am so glad I don't have to do that again!I've dropped my insulin intake by 30%-50%, depending on the time. This is the best news. My GP wants me to stop taking zocor (I'm under 100!), the Metformin, and the actos will also go bye-bye. I will have to test often, but I'm preapred for that. So I've gone from 7 meds a day to 4!!! WOO HOO!Bring it on, I'm ready for this!6/7/05GAMES GAMES GAMES. I swear I hate them all. The insurance company is such a headache! I worked extensively to make sure I submitted a letter that in case there were complications, they were covered by my health plan. I said my payment covered all pre-and post op and any and all procedures necessary for my care realted to the surgery. I submitted them to both the hospital and the health plan. Just so you know, my insurance provider and my doctors are under the same umbrella system. The business office didn't like that. :-) They said they posted my check but needed to remind me that all I was getting was day of. One of my biggest frustratons throught this whole thing is no one is able to tell me exactly what is and is not covered. In my own polite negotiation way I told her how much of a nightmare this is for a consumer and asked what would happen if complications arose. she said most likely they would be covered by insurance - the business office would file them with the insurance company. So far my insurance has covered pre op and I asked if that would be the case post op and she said she could transfer me to customer service. i said no thanks, I have already talked to the customer service people, I need someone who can give me an answer, not tell me it depended on the doctor's codes. She said it would likely be the same. So I said I was ready to move forward and i would keep my fingers crossed and hope there were no complications. Because they've cashed the check I figure it's her word against mine...and i retain my documentation!On another note, I put a great new tool to use this morning. I bought a hamilton beach drink mixer, much like the old milkshake machines from the 50s. I threw in some chocolate CIB, a scoop of unjury powder, and a dash of sf almond srup. YUMMO! It whipped up nice and frothy and chilly. It was delicious! I'm ordering a bunch of sf syrups becase I'm going to make protein shakes part of my morning lifestyle from now on.6/10/05Hello, here we go. Just 3 more days to get through and it's my turn! Can't wait to be on the losing side. I am sticking to the liquid diet as best as I can but I have to admit I've had a meal or two that were healthy, but contained carbs. I can't wait until my stomach is smaller, and i know I have some work to do on my head. I think my nerves are kicking in a bit too. Even so, I've managed to knock back my calorie intake by more than half, and have effectively reduced my insulin. That makes me feel great! The overall goal is health, not weight, here. I need to remember that! I look at the next 18 months as my key time to focus on losing weight. Day by day, minute my minute, month by month. And with a little work I should make it!Clear liquids, here I come! 6/13/05I am so ready for the surgery to be over. Good grief. i mean I've had enough time to prepare. The house is stocked, the bedding is clean, my bag is reaady to pack, BRING IT ON...I just want it to be over so I can move forward on my new lifestyle. I think the best thing about the band is it teaches you patience. Slow and steady never did win the race...but it got to the end, which is what I want to do. I don't care if it takes me 5 years to lose all my weight, I am going to lose it!I pigged out Saturday night. My head was not in the right place. I didn't even know what I wanted. I went to 3 fast food places for dinner. I ate 3 sandwiches and a chicken parmesan pasta thing. Not a good thing. I felt AWFUL afterwards. This was not the brightest thing I've done, and I'm glad to know that even after 2 weeks on the liquids my diet is changing. That makes me feel better! So, onward and upward.I have been eating popsicles like they are going out of style. Sugar free ones. Chewing on something, even if its just ice, curbs my cravings. I bought 4 boxes of popsicles for next week!OK enough rambling. On to the big changes I have to look forward to!6/21/05Boy, time flies when you are postop. I feel GREAT and am so glad I had this done. You can't realize until afterwards how anxious you are. I WAS NERVOUS.The hospital was great and I am so glad I stayed. I guess I was in recovery longer than anticipated, I had the surgery at 11 am and at 3 p.m. they wheeled me back to my room. My Dad, Jann and Greg were there and it meant so much to me. They left shortly afterwards. I'll tell you, having the nurses come around and be available at the push of a button was great. I had constant pain medication and oxygen. And they kept the things on my legs to prevent clotting. The next morning I was really ready to go home. I couldn't until I got my paperwork done though. Bummer! We wound up being discharged at 2, after I ate some jello and ice water. WOO HOO! the barium and flouro were the worst, but I managed. I found myself educating a lot of the staff on which surgery I had. Too many lumped me in as an RNY. But that's ok. Since I came home the most notable things I have done is WALK. I have gone around stores, and walked outside for 20 minutes. I went to a party at greg's coworker's Saturday night and even though I did not know a soul and they were all eating and drinking food did not look good to me. Same thing on Father's day. I stuck with my protein shakes, which surprised a lot of the kids, but I was so proud of me!i went back to work Monday. A day earlier than I anticipated. i was exhausted when I got back home. I took a 2 hour nap! It was so funny. Junk food sweet addict me, what was I craving last night? BEEF AND BARLEY SOUP which I ate a lot of preop. After the nap that craving was gone!Another side benefit, my blood pressure is WAY DOWN! 124/74. that's great!June 24, 2005I was putting on eye makeup this morning and noticed my eyelids weren't as puffy. MY EYELIDS ARE GETTIN SKINNY!!! I also feel it in my butt and hips. I don't notice it otherwise on my face, but I think that will take a while. I'm so happy! Keep plugging away!I can't wait til next WEDNESDAY...I'm DREAMING of refried beans!June 30, 2005Well yesterday, I went to the mushy stage of the diet. I'm truly feeling great, and it was so wonderful to eat refried beans for lunch with a little cheese. YUMMY! For dinner I had some good soup and today I made tuna salad to have at lunch on some saltine crackers. I bought stuff to make the noodle-less lasagna and some yummy caramel flan for more protein.I am only supposed to eat 12 oz. of fish aweek. when you are trying to get in 100 G of protein a day that is hard! I have a question in to my nutritionist, and hopefully can up that. I went to my class reunion over the weekend. I had shared on a profile form that I had the surgery. It was a big step to be so bold about on my 20th reunion, but it was good...people were very supportive and I even got contacted by a classmate's wife who had RNY and lives 10 miles from me! We are starting our own support group - it was so GREAT to not feel so weird about what we are eating, feeling etc!Finally, I started my exercise program in earnest this week. I got the ok to swim Tuesday and have done 2 hours of Water Aerobics over the last two days. WOO HOO! The water feels great and my body feels like lead when it's over! It is a very good thing.All in all I'm so happy I did this. I see changes in my clothes now and a pair of cropped pants I bought this summer don't stay up on my waist. LOVE IT!I haven't been on the scale this week, I bought one for home but am waiting to see what my doc's scale says July 6. I may just boycott scales, I don't want to get discouraged!July 2I am doing GREAT. I feel wonderful. I have exercised 4 days in a row this week (a minor miracle in itself!) doing water aerobics (my favorite) and walking. I seem to have tons of energy and my appetite is definitely dimmed. I seem to be able to eat 1000-1200 calories a day and that fills me up. I haven't had any desire for chocolate since Memorial Day. I barely notice my band now its like it is working in the background. When its time to quit eating because I am full I get a little signal - usually a hiccup burb, or flash of pain in my chest. I haven't pushed the issue, I don't like misery! My doctors moved me into soft, mushy foods this week, so I can eat things like really well cooked meat (stewed or slow cooked with sauce) eggs, refried beans, noodle-less lasagna, creamy soups. I am happy with the variety and will make it through the next 10 days easily. I havent' been on the scale since last week and look forward to getting on it at the nutritionist's office Wednesday. CHEERS!7/7/05GREAT NEWS! I went to visit my nutritionist yesterday and have lost another 11 pounds in the last two weeks! I AM DOWN 37 POUNDS!!! I'm so happy I almost fell off my chair! the nutritionist shows me the number and goes "I don't know where you were at, is this ok"...I'm like HOLY S#$%! Getting numbers on a regular basis really helps. I don't want to weigh every day, but every week would be a good idea. I'm going to get out my new scale that I bought and set it up at home!I think the exercise is really helping with the weight loss as well. It's a key factor!I WOULD DO THIS AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT!Cheers - TO ME!June 12, 2005Today marks a celebration and a first of not so good sorts.I am exactly four weeks out of surgery as of today. It's my one month anniversary. I celebrated it by getting on my new scale and finding I was at 41 pounds off, without calibrating according to my doctor's scale. This is truly amazing and I feel great!That is, i did feel great until I had my first PB today. I was eating some tuna and saltines (mushy meal) and I was either a.) eating it too fast, b.) stressed because my bosses were around and they seemed stressed, and I can't help but be co-dependent and experience sympathy stress; 3. I had eaten a cup of grapes for a snack an hour prior and was probably still full from that. I didn't let the PB sway me from my day, just stopped eating lunch and had a sore throat. I went about my business and an hour later took a walk, so now I feel great. It's a good thing to experience but honestly, I didn't even see the signals until i took that one bite. Here's to listening to my body!another good thing. To celebrate the successful surgery, hub and I are going on a romantic little getaway to LaCrosse. We have reservations for a sunset dinner cruise which should be fun, and are staying on a riverfrnt hotel downtown. I can't wait to get the heck out of dodge!WOO HOO!Cheers!July 19I went to the doctor today for a check-in and was so pleased with my progress, I thought I’d share !!Here are some of the changes I’ve experienced since I started the pre – op diet on Memorial Day!--Down 44 pounds. I was scheduled to have an adjustment today to assist with weight loss. My doctor is very pleased with my progress, noting I’m losing weight at double or triple the rate of the average patient. We decided that because I’m doing so well, and am not hungry, that we would hold off on the “fill” for another 6 weeks! --Dropped 3 medications (pills); cut dosage of one of the two remaining pills in half; hope to cut my other medication in half soon;--Cut my insulin intake in half in morning. Evening and bedtime intake is cut by more than 2/3!--For years doctors have TRIED to get me to follow 2,000 calorie a day diet and I just couldn’t do it. Now, I eat between 1000-12000 calories a day and feel very satisfied – I get full on 3 meals and 1 snack a day!--I know what it means to feel full. I get a signal, usually a little hiccup; I know its time to stop because if I continue I’ll feel uncomfortable.--I’ve progressed from a two-week full liquid diet pre-op (cottage cheese and broth soups) to a 2-week clear foods diet (protein shakes and things you can eat through a straw) to 2 weeks of soft foods (egg custard and tuna salad) to now being able to eat what I want, following a couple rules. I need to eat 100 grams of protein a day. Protein is the first thing you eat, followed by veggies and fruit, followed by carb. That means I eat fruit at breakfast, vegetables at lunch and a serving of potato or other carbs after veggies with dinner. I usually have something sugar-free for a snack or an energy bar. Some foods I just can’t eat because they don’t digest well with the band. I don’t particularly crave those foods and have decided to learn to love wine at the times I’d drink a beer. --This past weekend we went to LaCrosse and celebrated “getting to the other side” by taking a sunset dinner cruise on a modern, air-conditioned cruiseliner. We had a wonderful dinner of salad, bread, roast beef, chicken, glazed carrots, mashed potatoes and cheesecake. I enjoyed sampling all of it as well as a bloody mary, ate til full, and still ate less than 1200 calories for the whole day! That to me is miraculous! In the 90-degree heat we walked all over downtown La Crosse, grabbing lunch and wandering around in antique stores etc. We were out for almost 3 hours – I would have never done that last year!--I am exercising between 3-5 hours a week, pretty much 5-7 times a week. Most of the exercise I’m doing is hard enough to burn 300-400 calories per workout. I’m swimming and walking, being generally more active, and I have TONS more energy!--The clothes I bought at the beginning of summer are too big to wear. I’m pulling out stuff I bought in 1999 and 2000 and hit a clearance sale to get me through the rest of the hot weather! I’m down two sizes in clothes!--The best thing that’s happened? Before I started I could barely get my wedding ring on. Now, it fits great and I can even wear my mom’s wedding ring – something I haven’t been able to do for a couple years!Sorry to be so verbose, but you have to indulge me. Pursuing this surgery, with all of its disappointments and issues to resolve, was one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done in my life. Now that I’m on the “other side” it is such a relief to see it working so well!8/17/05I thought I'd jump in here and give an update on my progress. I'm pleased to tell you that as of yesterday I'm down 62 pounds. HOLY COW! I have never lost this much weight in my life. I have a long ways to go. But I've experienced many fun changes. Here are a few highlights:--My blood pressure is now 121/61. I have a call into my doctor asking whether its time to reduce or get off my blood pressure medication;--My vision has improved dramatically in my left eye and miraculously maintained its 20/30 acuity in the right eye, which is developing a cataract as a side effect from the retinal detachment in 2002. At my eye exam, my doctor couldn't believe the changes, asked about my blood sugar levels, which to my knowledge have maintained. He asked if my blood pressure has improved and while it was under control last year, I do believe its improved this year. He was beside himself trying to figure out why the change had occured. I know why! So, instead of getting bifocals like I thought I needed, I'm getting glasses with a lower prescription!--I've lost 7 inches in the last month (I made the mistake of not getting pre-op measurements)--For the first time in years, i was able to swim 500 yards freestyle consecutively. I was incredibly wiped out, and it took me half an hour, but I did it! The challenge for the fall will be to up my lap swimming. --You burn as many calories swimming a 500-yard freestyle in half an hour as you do running around with Tori and Taylor for 5 hours and get equally wiped out!--I fit much more comfortably into restaurant booths now than I did before, and can do little things like crawl around, reach lower shelves, clean, much more easily. --I'm finding excuses for sneaking in exercise, like walking 2 blocks to get coffee or 4 blocks for a bottle of Propel on a break.--I have problems occasionally digesting food in social situations, especially food that is harder on the band, like raw veggies or meal that is not slow cooked and served with a sauce. I will trade this problem for the problems associated with being overweight in a heartbeat!--I'm eating a little more food - 1600 calories as opposed to the 1200 calories I was eating last month - but my weight loss doesn't seem affected. i'm still consistently losing 3-4 pounds a week. My tastes have definitely changed. I don't have any desire to eat McDonald's or other greasy fast food. --I've decided to become a support group leader for weight loss surgery patients in Southern Wisconsin. I completed 5 hours of training via a teleconference. I hope to get things running next month. --It's really easy to get up at 5:30 a.m. regularly now and exercise in the morning before going to work. I find myself naturally getting up at that time, as opposed to being so tired I had trouble getting out of bed before!--I'm becoming "girly" taking an interest in clothes and wearing the jewelry I've collected. I bought my first pair of fitted capri pants and a tailored stretch blouse. That's a radical change from my usual shapeless dress!It's so much fun to feel good about myself again! Hands down, that is the best part. 9/4/05I had a fabulous day yesterday. I went shopping!I first went to a motorcycle dealership. I think my 150 lb. reward is going to be a scooter. That will probably be next June or later, but its never too late to start learning about what's out there! I test drove a few scooters today. WOW that was fun. I can tell you pre-op I would have never had the confidence to get on these things!From there I went to the store to look for something to wear for a wedding I'm going to in 2 weeks. WHAT A THRILL. I have gone from a 6X to a 3X and wearing size 26 jeans! I feel great. I bought 2 skirts that look awesome on me and 3 tops to mix and match. I will wear the hell out of these clothes till I can't wear them anymore! From there I went to DSW. You all have to know that pre-op I have worn only "sensible shoes" the kind a gramma wears. Well I found some sexy pointed toe shoes with a small spiked heel that felt great on my feet. I would have never risked it preop, I would have worried I could break the heel! All in all I am so happy today. It was so great to try on clothes and pick just a few things that fit. I feel terriffic, and when I total up 5 hours of shopping, it was a good exercise experience!November 7, 2005While I'm thinking of it I had to share how good life can be on the band. As I mentioned earlier, I worked an annual meeting for our retailers and vendors last week. I interact regularly with the retailers but not many of them have seen me or knew about my surgery. I was amazed at how many positive comments I got! They were everything from my haircut was really flattering (I have worn the same hairstyle since preop LOL), to I looked great, to I was walking better, to you could see the effects in my demeanor and attitude. WOW! It was kind of fun. Usually I separate the personal from the professional with these folks, butit felt awesome to have the confidence to integrate the two and let these people see the real me. You know?The funniest was with this couple I have worked with from their start with the organization 18 months ago. The man said he wanted to know my secret, that what I had lost must have caught up with him. I told him wewould talk later, and kept putting him off. I told him I was doing yoga and tai chi. So at the end of the night after the dinner and entertainment, and a fewdrinks, he corners me in the bar. I confess and tell him the whole deal - if people really want to know I don't hold back about my surgery. His eyes rolled in the back of his head! He goes "You mean the yoga and tai chi was a lie?" I said no, and talked further.I think he was really disappointed that I didn't have some miracle cure to share. But that's our society today - no one thinks that exercise and portion control really work!I also amazed myself with my stamina. I walked circles around our expo, making sure people were taken care of. My boss didn't say anything, but at the end of the expo comes up and sort of punches me on the shoulder like an "atta boy" move. He didn't have to say anything. I got it!I need to remember these moments when I get disappointed that weight isn't coming off as quickly as I'd like. These moments are pretty amazing!Nov. 22I wanted to update you on my progress. Today marks my own special private celebration. I’ve lost 101 pounds since my Lap-Band surgery June 14!I BLEW PAST THE CENTURY MARK TODAY! BAM!I’m so pleased. My doctor is thrilled with my progress. I eat a normal diet of about 1500 calories a day, and have only had the craving for full-fledged chocolate about 3 times since Memorial Day. After more than a decade and hundreds of unsuccessful weight loss efforts, I finally feel successful! I had my first “fill” last week, injecting saline into the band to tighten it and help dim my appetite. It worked! I marvel at the simple effective technology this device employs. Over the past five months I’ve experienced a multitude of physical changes. I’ve gone from getting winded walking 2 blocks in 12 minutes, to getting a membership and working out for an hour and a half on machines at the Athletic Club. I’m developing a powerful mind-body connection through Yoga and Tai Chi. I’m swimming laps again, and can now do a 500 yard freestyle in about 15 minutes, which is about twice the time I swam it competitively in high school. I’ve gone down 7 clothes sizes. The coats I’m wearing this winter were purchased in about 1997. I’ve donated eons of clothes to Goodwill…bags and bags! I wear things like sparkly shirts, high heels and pointy-toed shoes because I can and I love it! People tell me my skin is glowing! I could go on and on about the positive things I notice on a daily basis.I have also had numerous health benefits. I’ve eliminated 4 of the seven medications I took pre-band. The others are reduced by more than half, and I have the hope of going off them completely in the future! I sleep soundly at night, wake up fully refreshed, and am much more clear and focused in my thinking. My vision is actually improved, my retinal doctor is thrilled with my progress, and even my dental hygenist is raving about how improved my gums are! All of these changes notwithstanding, the biggest benefit of my surgery has occurred on the inside. I wouldn’t trade the person I am becoming for anyone in the world. I meet strangers with confidence, look people in the eye and feel so self-assured. When people challenge me I am pushing back. Formerly known as a “diplomat,” I am developing a new assertiveness that is cool as hell. I truly wish I could bottle and share how good I feel with everyone who has helped me along the way!Future goals include being a serious gym rat this winter, working toward the goal of losing another 50 pounds by June 14, getting my motorcycle license this spring, and (if finances allow) buying a Vespa motorscooter and cruising my smaller self. Look out!Feb. 21, 2006Weigh day today - I am 128 pounds down. It's been so long since I have posted that I thought I'd update. My euphoria was knocked out of me on Dec. 11 when I found out my brother died unexpectedly Dec. 9. This was a major loss for me. My mom died 16 years ago and its just my dad and me now, as well as Dan's daughters, who are 13 and 7. I will never be able to resolve whether my brother's death was a suicide. I am having a hard time coming to terms with that. Gradually the questions are subsiding, but they still painfully pop up from time to time. Going on with life is really hard. Keeping my plans moving forward when all I want to do is stay in bed is incredibly difficult. I have managed to lose weight through the holidays and beyond, which in looking back is amazing. I really appreciate the fact that some of you guys are going through the same thing. Who knows. Maybe its part winter blahs, maybe its I know I need new clothes but can't afford any right now, maybe it was the other stuff. At any rate, I dug in hard on some projects at work today and had some teriffic support from my boss, who helped me get focused and honed in on a few things. That encouragement really helped me, but not as much as the kind words I've read here!One thing I really wish I could escape is the grief over my brother. I mean its so pervasive. Every mere second I let my mind wander it goes over to my loss. The instant I wake up, the last thing before I fall asleep, in the car to and from work...I am pretty good at putting those feelings on a shelf while AT work. I have made a "grief CD" of songs that contain the messages I want to tell myself, and I listen to it constantly. My favorite song on the CD is "Pretty Angry" by Blues Traveler. It sums up how I'm feeling exactly and puts in to words the things I can't say...it helps me understand my feelings. Amazing. When I first heard the song six weeks ago I couldn't listen to it without crying. I was at work and had to leave the office because I couldn't control my emotions. Now I love to belt it out, feeling the anger and sadness in the song and releasing it full tilt.Gosh. Talk about stream of consciousness but I think I needed to say that paragraph above to get it out of me. It's not related to my weight loss, but I'm thinking that like my weight loss, and like some of you guys suggested, I need to compare my progress and see the benchmarks. I was also thinking today that this weight-loss thing is not just about losing weight, it's learning new patterns. I can't stuff my feelings down anymore and when something's bothering me, I need to feel it. That isn't so fun. But as I get more familiar with this, I'll learn how to cope!May 30, 2006 - Hi all,Just a brief update to let you all know it's official - I hit my mini goal of 150 pounds down this morning! I had a few tenuous situations with the band in May, and I spent about 6 weeks gaining and losing the same pound, but the barrier is finally broken!I don't know what caused it - maybe it was the 150 miles I put on the Vespa over the weekend, or the more than 3 hours I spent exercising in my club's outdoor pool, or all the work in the yard. At any rate, it happened and I feel tan, toned and sexy!I have more work to do, and further places to go in this journey. But I can't let this milestone pass without sharing it with you all!A sincere and HEARTFELT thanks for all your support and encouragement!Yours in 150 pounds down,Jen