Debbie C.

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While I have not lost any weight in the last few months I am very content with where I am at right now.  Yes I'd love to be much closer to my goal weight, but as compared to where I was well over 18 months ago I'm happy.  I'm healthy, active and confident now.  It's my own fault that I'm not close to my goal weight so there are no excuses that will be made on my end.  I will say, however, that if we had the means to do it I would join the new 24 Hour Fitness that came to our town a couple of months ago.  I'd REALLY enjoy taking part in a water aerobics class, but that unfortunately is not in our budget at this time.  The weather is beautiful this time of year so I really need to get my butt in gear and start walking again.

We still haven't sold our house.  It's tough, but for some reason it's just not in the cards for us.  Granted the housing market sucks beyond belief right now, but it has to turn around at some point and hopefully that time will come soon.  We have come to some small sort of an agreement that if it doesn't sell by April then we may look into trying to get a new manufactured home and live here for another couple of years....give or take....and then try again when the market starts going back up.  We will cross that bridge when and if it happens.

It's the holidays right now and the sweets have already started coming in.  My pouch still thankfully hates too much and lets me know when I get a tad bit greedy and eat a bit too much of it.  I still try to stay at 10-12 grams or under even though my surgeon said that we could go from 15-20 grams of sugar.  My body has never liked getting close to the 15 grams so why chance it.  I still dump from time to time and sometimes it's because of greediness of food and other times it's a shock because I can have a certain kind of food many times and it's just that one particular time that my pouch doesn't like it.  Our pouches will always be our bosses and it's something that we must always "obey."  I'm thrilled that it doesn't like sweets because before my surgery I could down them easily.  My co-workers always say that they don't understand how I can have a small piece of cake and be content or only a bite or two or three of chocolate and not want more, but I truly am content and happy with a teeny amount.  My appetite has definitely returned and there are times where I could overdue myself, but I remind myself to stop and to allow my food to settle.  Nine times out of ten I will be fuller than I realize and am happy that I don't push myself to eat more.  There will be guaranteed times that I push myself too far, but I wouldn't be human if I didn't try to push the limits at times.

I could promise that I will journal here more often, but who am I kidding....lol.  Since getting my job nearly a year ago (I started working again on 12/20/07) I am just so busy with either work or spending time with my family.  I love where my life is at now and I have my surgery to thank for my confidence level being where it is at now.  If I still weighed over 350 lbs. there is no way that I would be happy.  I'd put on a phony smile, but I wouldn't be content with my life.  I thank God everyday still for giving me a second chance at life and for allowing me to remember that I truly am worthy of a happy life.

It's been quite some time since I made a post on here.  Not much to tell.  My weight has completely stalled and has been stuck for the past three months.  JJ and I just started walking last week so hopefully that will make it pick up again.  I'm still flirting with 210 lbs and fluctuate plus or minus that.  

We didn't sell our house like we thought we had.  The person buying our house had to back out so we lost the beautiful home that we had already signed on the dotted line.  It obviously wasn't meant to be and there must be something better out there for us.....although I can't imagine what because that house was gorgeous.  We were only three weeks from moving into it when we had gotten the bad news. 

Summer is in full swing and it's hotter than hell here!  We rarely see a day under 110 degrees.  The joys of living in Arizona.  I've been going swimming with the kids and have been enjoying my weekends with them either doing that, shopping or going to the movies.  My weight loss has given me my life back with my children and I am so very thankful for that.

Hopefully the next time I write I'll have some good news on my house and my weight loss.  Happy 4th of July everyone!!!!!!!!!!   

I had surgery today that will hopefully end my having periods.  It was an ablation along with a D&C and the doctor did a couple of other things while she was down there.  I knew that after having WLS my periods would change, but not to the extent that they did.  At the end of 2007 I went through two months of having a period every two weeks.  With each one I was getting more and more tired and listless.  Then they started coming stronger every month and I finally went to the OB/GYN to have myself checked out.  The doctor told me that when she checked the ultrasound that my uterus looked like it was the size of a 15 week prenancy even though I obviously wasn't pregnant.  Then when she was checking around inside me today she noticed that my falopian tubes looked like "sausage links" which obviously isn't good.  She said that that is most likely why I have pain some months.  She then let me know that I may have to eventually get a full hysteroctomy because of it.  That blew me away!!!  I figured that if I ever needed on someday that it would only be a partial one, but she says that because of how I looked inside that she would do a full one.  I have a lot of scar tissue from the tubaligation that I had done nearly nine years ago so that's an issue as well.  I hope I don't get to that point because she said that she would do it as a full stomach incision.  I may have to go to someone else if and when I have one because I'd like to avoid being opened up stem to stern.  That's something that I'm not going to worry about at this time though because it's something in the future and I'm living for the now.  

Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I won't have periods anymore.  WoooooooooHoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My oh my how the year has flown!  I can't believe that this time last year I weighed 344 lbs. and felt absolutely miserable.  The weight has obviously slowed way down and I've been stuck at the same spot for a month now, but I know that it will once again start coming off.  As of today I am officially down 130 lbs. and weigh a wonderful 214 lbs.  I have no pain anymore and I love life!  Let me take some time to list some of the things that I have accomplished over this past year......

Went down a slide at our community pool
Rode on roller coasters
Cross my legs and sit like a lady
Got a job!!!!
Sat on an airplane and had some room to spare with the seatbelt
Walked miles at a time without getting tired out
Started out in a size 5X that was getting tight & now can wear XL & 1X
Back pain is completely gone; knee pain is also gone
Sex is back in my life and positions are finally easy again

The list goes on and on, but those are the high points that stick out the most to me.  

I want to thank Jill, my angel, for being a rock for me in the beginning.  She has been such an inspiration and a wonderful friend.  And to Kelly (I'm her angel), who has been incredible, I love ya girl!!!  She had her first consultation on the day of my surgery and finally had her surgery in December.  I'm so proud of how far she's come.  Without these two women from here I don't know where I'd be.   

If you're still pre-op, then I wish you much success with your surgery.  It's a wild and fun ride that doesn't have too many bumps.  Sure, I've dumped a few times, but I chalk that up to being learning experiences.  Some foods have been easy over the year and then the next day they don't agree with me.  Our pouches are the boss for the rest of our lives and when you upset the boss it lets you know how mad you've made it.  Dumping doesn't last, but for the amount of time that it does you feel like it's forever.  

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice over this past year and rooted me on.  ObesityHelp rocks and I'm so grateful that I found this site!

JJ & I enjoyed 4 incredible days alone together in San Diego.  We haven't been on a vacation like that since Kourtney was just 4 months old so this was MUCH needed and deserved.  We left on Thursday and when our plane landed I turned on my phone and got the message from our realtor that our house had sold!!!!!!!!!!  It was on the market for 8 months, so in todays time that really isn't too bad.

On Friday we spent the entire day alone taking in the sites of San Diego.  We went on a fun harbor trip on this "vehicle" that is both a bus and a boat.  I have a picture of it posted.  When then spent the day in Seaport Village and once we were done there we took the water taxi back over to our hotel and walked a little around Coronado Island which is where we stayed at the Hotel Coronado by Marriott. 

Saturday came with anxiousness of seeing my best friend who I hadn't seen in 6 long months.  Sarah & Tom got a day/night away from the kids and the 4 of us had a great time.  What a day it was too!  We decided to go to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch and got lost trying to find one that was further away that what we had said.  Then, on the way there Sarah's car crapped out on us.  The A/C stopped working (thank God for a gorgeous day so that we could have the windows down), her gages stopped working, all the power was gone, the lights didn't work, but low and behold the car still ran!  LOL  We ended up back at the Joe's Crab Shack that was just across the harbor from our hotel (and no Sarah, you didn't listen to us in the first place that it was there....lol *kiss*) and enjoyed a great meal.  After that we went back over to Coronado Island, got Sarah & Tom checked into their hotel and then walked down to the famous Hotel Del Coronado.  On the way there I decided to act like miss tough women and tripped right over a curb and landed on my face.  I was laughing so hard about it that I couldn't say that I really wasn't joking around and that I was in a little pain.  It wasn't until they saw that my toe was bleeding that it sunk it that I was hurt....lol.  I bruised up both of my knees but luckily that was really the worst of it.  So, we got down to the hotel that our husbands have never heard of (we think they lived under a rock) and it just wasn't what we expected.  I know that it's old so it's going to show it's age, but it was just disappointing.  Then we went back to their hotel, ordered some pizza and headed back to our hotel where it was going to be delivered.  We enjoyed dinner out on the balcony.  After that we put on our swimsuits and headed down to the spa.  The pool itself was a little chilly, but it was very relaxing.  We dried off by sitting in front of a fire pit and then headed back up to our room for a glass of champagne and some strawberries. 

Sunday was just as wonderful of a day.  We back across the harbor to have Joe's Crab Shack for lunch again....JJ, Tom & I were addicted to that place!  We ventured over to Seaport Village after that, walked around the shops some then took a different water taxi back over and then shopped in Coronado.  Sarah & Tom left in the late afternoon.  Amazingly enough I didn't shed a tear like I usually do, but I did mist up some when I had turned away from them.  JJ and I finished up our last night by taking another dip in the pool and sat by the fire pit where we relived our wonderful weekend. 

We came home on Monday and began house hunting that afternoon.  We were set on one certain house, but the HOA fees were outragous and the homes no longer come with a pool or appliances.  We're giving the lady who bought our house everything expect our stand alone freezer so we really want a place that comes with new appliances.  We'll be going out again this coming Sunday to look with our realtor.  We need to decide within the next week because we have to be out of our house by the end of next month. 

Tuesday was just as awesome because JJ had an interview at the corporate offices of Discount Tire Co. so hopefully he'll soon find out if he'll be working in the IT department there.  It's a long drive for him, but he's so excited about working in the offices and getting away from the tire selling. 

It's been an awe inspiring last few days.  I hated seeing our weekend end, but we had so many wonderful things to come home to.  It was great to see the kids again and even better to know that they behave while we were gone.  We're hoping to go on another weekend getaway next year.

Ever since I took my 11 months pictures I've been feeling down about myself.  Granted, I have nothing to feel down about because I feel sooooo much better than I did back then and the pictures show that I look better.  However, I look at the pictures and I still see the really big girl.  I know that I have a long way to go still and I just don't get why I am beating myself up so much.  I know that I shouldn't be close to gaol at this point because of how far I had to go at the beginning.  I'm beating myself up even though I've lost over 125 lbs. in just over 11 months.  Why in the hell am I doing that?!?!?!  

I even started crying the other night while JJ and I were fooling around.  I just feel very unattractive right now and it's letting me down.  JJ made a very sweet comment in his birthday card to me by saying that I'm beautiful in his eyes.  Instead of reading it the way it was and being lovingly accepting of his words I chose to take it that I'm only beautiful in his eyes and that no one else could look at me that way.  I didn't convey that to him, but it's how I felt inside.  I used to say that I would be proud of my bat wings because it would show how much I'd lost (sounds weird, I know, but it made sense in my mind), but now I'm seeing it from a different vantage point.  I hate them!!!  I wore a tank top yesterday and felt good in it.  I tried wearing one today and felt the exact opposite.  I rose my arms to do my hair and saw all this ick in the mirror.  How can I feel sexy for my husband if I don't like what I'm seeing in the mirror right before my own eyes?  Yes, I know that I'll be looking into plastic surgery hopefully by this time next year and that once I have my work done I'll hopefully start feeling better, but until then I have to wonder if I'll continue to feel unattractive.  Years went by where I knew that I wasn't attractive and I'm not saying that I'm glued to every mirror that I pass by, but I was seeing myself in a new way prior to taking my 11 month pictures.  I felt that I was looking better.  Hell, guys actually look at me now with come hither looks which is so incredibly flattering. 

Will I ever feel "good enough" on the inside about my outside before I look into plastics or will I continue to feel unattractive?  Only time will tell.  It's going to be interesting to see how JJ and I interact with one another in San Diego next week since we'll be alone for 4 days.  Unfortunately I'll be having my period during that time so any "fun" will be out of the question, but I'm just anxious to see how he and I are together.  He's never been good at showing outside affection and he knows that has always bothered me.  He doesn't understand that in my mind it makes me feel that he's proud to be with me when he simply holds my hand.  I'm hoping that we reconnect on a husband & wife level while we're there.  It's going to hopefully bring us even closer.  We're great together emotionally and verbally......we need to work on the physically more and I'm hoping that our alone time together will be a good head start.

I went to a jewelry store the other day to get a ring guard.  Before my surgery I was wearing a size 11 ring.  A few short months out I went down to a size 10.  Last week I found out that I wear an 8 1/2 now!!!!!!  I have not worn that size since high school.  The only bad thing about my hands and fingers looking smaller now is that they're starting to look older.  It's all part of the age process, but it just seem so sudden....lol. 

Well, I am now less than 20 lbs. away from reaching onederland and I'm sooooo excited to reach that point!  I now weight 219 lbs. and that puts me at 125 lbs. lost since my surgery.  I'm hoping to lose another 5 lbs. by my one year surgiversary next month.  It's hard for me to believe that it's already been almost a year.  To think of where I was this time last year and where I'm at now is so enlightening.  Last year at this time my knees were killing me, I was hunched over when I walked and walking itself was a huge chore.  My self-esteem was at rock bottom and I couldn't look people in the eye.  Today, the only reason that my one knee hurts now is because I fell off of my bike (yes, ME on a bike!!!), my back doesn't hurt and walking is a breeze for me.  My self-esteem has shot through the roof and I happily look people in the eye and smile at strangers I see walking down the street.  I know that some of that may sound hokey, but compared to how I used to be it's amazing that I am the way that I am now. 

Where in the world does the time go!!!!!  10 months ago I could barely move around because of all the extra weight I was carrying me.  I felt miserable and although I knew that I was just at the beginning of my journey that I still had a long way to go before I'd start feeling better.  Fast forward 10 months and I feel incredible!  Each day gets better and better.  I have lost over 120 lbs. now since my surgery and I'm weighing in at 221 lbs.  It's hard for me to believe that I now only have 55-60 more lbs. to lose before I start looking into having plastics done for my belly and my girls.  My rashes are getting worse with the more weigh that I lose.  My doctor has been documenting my rashes and giving me cream to use on them.  I can't imagine what I will look like once that surgery is done one day.  My goal is to have it done before my two year surgiversary.  That's still a longgggggg way off, but it's something to keep in mind for the long run.  

JJ surprised me with tickets to San Diego for just the two of us!  His old boss gave us the tickets for any Marriott hotel in the San Diego area and airline tickets.  He won them at an auction and graciously gave them to us.  We'll be going from April 10th through the 14th.  We decided not to get a car so we'll be footing ourselves all over San Diego.  That's something that I would have NEVER considered doing pre-surgery.  It's going to be wonderful having a weekend away with home........kids free!!!!  We've never had more than two days away alone together so we are both really looking forward to this time.  I told him that I want him taking a picture of me on the plane with the seat belt buckled up nicely on me.  The last time I was on a plane I needed an extension, but I was too embarrassed to ask for me.  I'm still nervous about buckling it up, but I just have to remember that I'm 100 lbs. lighter than the last time I was on a plane so that it should be easier this go around.  

Nothing big planned for this next month but I'm sure that something good will happen.  How can it not when life has been so incredible for me these last 10 months.  

Do I talk about my weight loss too much?  Maybe sometimes, but I don't feel that I talk about it that much.  The only people who seem to be happy to hear about the progress that I'm making are my co-workers.  I don't talk about it unless one of them brings it up.  JJ is proud of the accomplishments that I am making, but it's just the same as it used to be.  Granted, I know that I shouldn't expect him to rave about my weight loss continously, but it would be nice to have a little more enthusiasm than what I get.  I can't even talk about it with my best friend anymore.  She is struggling with her own weight and I don't like talking about my happiness with how far I've come with her because I know it hurts her to hear about it.  Yes, I'm not anywhere close to where I used to be, but that doesn't mean that I can't sympathize with what she is feeling.  I know every feeling that she is having because I have been there myself.  I told her the other day that I am now "only" obese and that I was so excited to have 26 more pounds to go before I reach onederland, but I could hear the pain in her voice.  It was also obvious to me that she didn't want to hear about my happiness because she said that it was a sore subject for meaning.....meaning that she is struggling.  It's as if she can't talk to me about it anymore because in my mind she feels that I wouldn't understand.  I do understand and I want to be there for her, but I don't want to push the envelope.

UGHHHHHHH  my OH family seems to be the only one that I can turn to now, along with my co-workers, when it comes to sharing my triumphs.  The wow moments aren't as frequent as they used to be, but they are still there and I would love to share them and not be afraid of the reaction that I'll get.