jbears
I woke up one day, and I was fat! I could not believe it. For years my mind had tricked me, every time I looked in the mirror, I saw a thin person, my old self. I never saw what everyone else saw. In my mind, my clothes were shrinking; I was not outgrowing them!
My battle is no different then thousands of others. We lie to ourselves that no one else can see the truth and that we have successfully hidden or covered up the fat this time, so we must not be that bad. I think I was pretty good at convincing myself that the problem was short term, like maybe I was just retaining water today. I thought I had the world fooled, boy was I the fool.
It all started many years ago, in a land far far away (Alaska to be exact). I was not a fat kid. At 17, I gained 15 pounds in one summer. I assumed I was experiencing a growth spurt, but I was not getting taller. Soon after, I enlisted in the Navy. Before I could go to boot camp, I was told I would have to lose a few pounds, more like 25. It was the first time I ever had to go on a diet, and I hated it!
I spent the next 12 years on every diet available. I tried every pill that said “diet” on it, which is strange because I won’t even take Tylenol if I have a headache. I became very good at yoyo dieting, until finally, I could not lose weight no matter how hard I tried. My body had learned to adapt, and weight loss now seemed impossible. My only option was surgery!
I began researching gastric bypass in secret at first. I did not want to get my hopes up or feel like a failure if this avenue did not pan out. I contacted three doctors office, the first two rejected me, claiming my insurance would not pay for the procedure, but the third was confident they could take care of me. I ended up attending one of their seminars, and was convinced that Del Sol Medical Center was right for me.
Over the course of three months, I worked with the staff at Del Sol to pled my case. I went through a sleep study, and found out I had sleep apnea. At the same time I went through a whole battery of other test. Less then three months into my journey, I was approved by my insurance company. I has so happy that I would not have to appeal or fight any more to have my surgery and start my new life.
My surgery was schedule for January 3, 2006. I was so excited to start the New Year with such a bang. Just days before, I made a resolution to lose all my excess body weight, the same resolution I had made for years before, somehow this time, I knew I would keep my promise. 2006 was going to be the year of change!
The morning of my surgery we arrived at the hospital around 6 am. The days leading up to this event I has tense and stressed, but this morning I was calm and at peace. I was prepared for the worst, and if death wanted me, I was prepared. My will and living will and other legal issues were taken care of; my life was in my surgeons hands.
The surgical team wheeled me into the operating room. I blinked my eyes, and all of a sudden I was in another room (the recovery room). I was told the operation was over, I could not believe it. All I had done was blink my eyes. I felt slow, but I felt no pain at that time. I blinked again, and all of a sudden I was in my hospital room, feeling very rested, and very comfortable.
Getting out of bed for the first time was hard. It was really painful, and really awkward. I had to get out of bed and sit up. At the time, I did not have to walk around the hallway yet, just getting up was a large step on its own. At 1 am, I was ready to attempt walking, and did manage to successfully walk around the hospital with the aid of a nurse.
So with the journey beginning, I began my new life. I had been reborn. I went from making excuses for being fat, to now having the solution. For years I had fought off my genetic makeup, and I was tired of fighting.
The first two weeks after surgery were really interesting. It’s very hard to eat, and I found myself throwing up often. It’s not the kind of throw up one might be used too. Post-op throw up is more painful, and less projectile. It’s also very slimy for some reason. Not to gross anyone out, but it is a major difference.
So every day I would find myself over the sink, trying to vomit because the pain in my chest is too great after eating something. For three months this was my life. I was dropping lots of weight almost 60 lbs in three months, I started losing some hair, and I just hoped that all the vomiting would end. Then one day, it did.
Almost three months after surery to the day, I stopped vomiting, and never vomited again. Later I would find out my remnant of a stomach is very swollen during the first three months, and that is what also causes the vomiting. So three months out, I am finally able to eat a small meal without pain or discomfort. What a good day!
It has now been 8 months after surgery. To date I have only lost 73 lbs. I have gone months without losing any weight. At this point, I’m not fat, but I’m not thin either. I would have never thought that after surgery I would have stayed at the weight I am now, 239lbs. I can eat a small but normal size meal. I eat every two hours, or I end up starving, I work out, and still, I can not lose weight. I’m happy with my body shape and size, but in a way I do feel robbed of my goal. And then I think, are you crazy! You have lost 73 lbs in 8 months, which is a great achievement in itself. I look totally different then I did 8 months ago, I am healthier then I have ever been, and yet I’m disappointed.
Having this surgery can really play with your head. On the one hand I’m thinner then I have been in ten years, on the other hand, I still feel like an overweight person, and I still think like an overweight person. Its hard to accept compliments, its hard to be the center of attention, it’s hard to not clean your plate at meals. My whole life is turned upside down, and I feel naked and vulnerable.
This surgery was the best thing I ever did for myself. But it’s not without side-effects. It true that I lost weight and feel and look better, but no one ever warned me about the emotional rollercoaster I was getting on. In my mind losing weight was going to solve all of my problems, but it was really just the catalyst to force me to deal with my demons.
It has now been 12 months, 1 year. My weight loss to date is 73 lbs. I feel like a weight-loss failure. I should have been able to loose the rest of the weight by now, right! Why is my body stalling like this. I read an article about set-points. Is my body trying to tell me that this is the weight I should be at for all times. Can I live at this body weight and be happy with myself? So many questions.
