Jayc66
I wonder how many times you have read this before... I don't like to talk about my weight... The way I see it is it's no one's business but mine. If people can't accept as I am than it's their problem. Yeah right. The truth is I have built this body to protect myself from being hurt. Hurt by an abusive father, hurt by people calling themselves "friend" and hurt by people who have said they loved me only to discover that they loved themselves more. Each encounter in life builds your character and helps you to become the person you are.
So who am I?
Where do I begin. Looking back over the years I see a child who always felt different from everyone else. My family didn't have much. My mother always worked hard to see that there was a way to do things for her children. My sister got her braces without which she would not be the confident woman she is today. My brothers had the instruments that they always wanted so they could explore music. And me, well, I got to go to summer camp and be an Explorer.To this day I don't know how my mother managed to pull it all together... but she did.
I remember seeing other kids have things and not quite understanding why I couldn't have the same. Now of course I realize that we were on the cusp of poverty. We lived in one of the more afluent areas of Montreal's West Island... near JM Schneider's family.. I recall this clearly because they always gave out full size chocolate bars on Hallowe'en. That was worth the extra walk to the Lakeshore! But seriously in my young adulthood I blamed my "weight problem" on us being "poor" and having a diet that was mostly made up of poorer cuts of meat, and processed foods like pasta and white bread. While I realize that my battle with carbs may have started then I must take responsibility for allowing myself to become the size I am today.
My lack of motivation towards exercise developed early in life. I was always laughed at in gym. Even though I was pretty good at gymnastics I couldn't run well and the other kids took pleasure in pointing out how well I filled out my bloomers! The ultimate school girl embarassment happened when I was around 8 yrs old. Every Wednesday there would be an announcement over the PA system reminding people to attend ballet after school. So I started to go. I went to a few classes and was doing well until the instructor asked me for my registration fee. I didn't know what she was talking about. She gave me a paper for my parents and told me I had to leave and not to come back until my parents signed the paper. Unfortunately my parents could not afford the registration fee and my dream of pink shoes evapourated in to "thin" air.
So ended my interest in being involved in physical activity. Later when I attended high school I was so relieved to learn that I was not required to take any more gym classes. Little did I realize that was yet another turning point. One that would lead me to a life filled with less physical activity and an even heavier body to carry around.
Poor diet + in activity + emotional eating = who I have become. Though I never would have admitted that my weight defines me, it certainly has become a barrier for me. I can no longer do the kinds of things I once enjoyed without worrying about parking, distance, stairs, shortest route, restrooms and seating. Once a spontaneous, outgoing woman, I have become what I always said I would not. That overweight person who is limited in what she can do by virtue of her size and disability. I am the not so proud owner of 3 cpap machines. You see I could no longer stop off at my mom's or a friends for an impromptu overnight stay because I could not sleep without it. Now I have one for travel, one for home and one at my mother's. This way all bases are covered and at least I can breathe.
Ah yes, so many diets, so many short lived successes. Its taken a lot of soul searching and self contemplation for me to understand the making of me and all the triggers that lead to my self destruction through emotional eating. I've had enough. I want my life back. I want to be that spontaneous woman again. So I've made the decision to have Lap Band surgery done. I do not have a surgery date yet but Dr. Jette tells me the average waiting time is 6 months. By this time next year I should be well on my way to a healthier me. I can't wait to get to know that version of me. I realize that it will take a lot of work but I owe it to myself to become the best person I can be inside and out.
